That just gets a shrill giggle out of his mother, like Valdis has stumbled into a very funny joke. Siffleur looks down at her, and he carefully moves a hand to her shoulder. "She doesn't have to. I accept whatever comes from this."
"Oh the dramatics. Stop stop stop, I'm not eating you, I'm never eating you. I wouldn't put myself here if I was dangerous." She gives his chest a few pats and then squats down, staring at the dirt. "I'm... trying to explain. I really am. I really really am. I need to. Because I never did before, because I didn't need to before, but I need to now."
Her arms wrap around her knees and she turns those vivid yellow eyes on Valdis, and with care, she says slowly and methodically. "I'm what your Captain wants to be. She's- she's what your Captain wants to be. She became God, kinda. Sorta. And I'm- I'm the anchor. Was the anchor. Before the chain got cut. Now I'm just- I'm just here, in the sea, watching the waters and the little fishes and the corals and listening to the whales sing. He's an ocean, do you see? I'm an anchor in an ocean, I can't replace him, because he's so much bigger than he looks like on the outside. Because we both looked into the eye of God and we were changed, and we were shaped and we became more than only meat, we became a thing between meat and God."
Siffleur very carefully lowers himself into a squat too. "Mom... deep breathes. Slow breathes."
"Shh. Later. I'll calm down later. I have to- we have to do this." She puts both hands on the ground and digs her fingers into it, slowly digging a hole. "It's- it started before I was born, you know. They dug in the dirt for years and years and years, for so many years. Old men looking to find something to make them wealthy and immortal and divine. They found so many things down there, in the depths of the old cities, the places time forgot. When they found the eye, it was closed. That's the only reason they survived. They found it and carried it to the surface, took it to a place that was clean and tidy and they opened it, they opened the eye of God, and it saw them, and it changed them. B-but it wasn't- we're meat, we're meat, so it- we just, we kept- we didn't know how to stop, we didn't have the way to stop it, so in it's gaze, in it's sight, we- we broke, we broke and broke and broke, and we never stopped breaking, never never, not until it was just meat and meat. Meat-" The shrill giggle comes back and she claws at the sand, sloshing it everywhere.
Siffleur holds his hand out against her mouth and she bites him hard, bites him deep. He doesn't flinch. He just holds his hand steady as she tears at him again and again, splattering blood in the sand, until finally her eyes clear, and she pulls her teeth out of him. Her voice is soft and broken. "No Fleur-"
"My arms grow back now, mother." He assures her, holding his mangled hand to the side. "Tell your story."
She huffs. There's blood on her teeth and she licks it off, then she licks her mouth, and then she sags backwards, flopping on her back and staring at the sky. "They found a piece of God and they wanted to know how to use it. And I helped them, until the day they put me in front of it, and made me stare into the eye too. That's the story, long and gory. I saw God, and it split me into two. A-and... and I spent years, years trying to sew myself back together. But you can't unsplit the atom. All you can do is finish the job. So... so I did. I went back. I went back. They were lesser now. They never solved it. They died off, moved on. The eye was- the eye was easier to reach. So I- so I reached it. I looked into it again, knowing what I know now, understanding what it wanted and I- I changed. One more time."
She lifts her arms up to the sky, palms flat and pointed. "I became like it. Like God. Everywhere and anywhere and all the time. Which is- it's very confusing. Being all times. You get lost. You lose yourself. It's- you're a little boat on the ocean, and then you become the ocean and it's- it's always moving, moving moving moving, everywhere and anywhere and allwhere and alltime and anytime and everytime, you see? So-so, you need an anchor. You need something to tether yourself too. It- it could have been a thing. L-like the eye was for God. But I wasn't- I can't. I can't. I can't be that. I can't- I won't! I won't be caught and kept I fucking won't I fucking won't-"
Siffleur tries to offer his hand again but she refuses it, digging her heels into the sand and then kicking at it, throwing dirt everywhere, screaming furiously and indignantly, until there's two huge tracks dug by her feet and her voice cuts out, all of her going limp like a puppet with cut strings.
"Sorry." She says weakly. "It's- the memory makes it hard. I'm s-so fucking angry here. Oh Fleur-"
"It's okay mom." He sits with her, lifting her head from the dirt and setting it against his thigh, brushing the soil from her hair. Siffleur's heart hurts. He didn't want her to ever explain anything, and he feels guilty to know any of this now. It wasn't his to understand. He wasn't owed anything. She let him live - that was enough. That was more than enough. "I want you here. I want you to be safe."
She sighs again, huffs, rolls her head to the side as he keeps brushing her off. "It's fine. You're still back there, with me and me. No matter what happens, I'm safe. I'm safe... I'm too big to hurt now."
no subject
"Oh the dramatics. Stop stop stop, I'm not eating you, I'm never eating you. I wouldn't put myself here if I was dangerous." She gives his chest a few pats and then squats down, staring at the dirt. "I'm... trying to explain. I really am. I really really am. I need to. Because I never did before, because I didn't need to before, but I need to now."
Her arms wrap around her knees and she turns those vivid yellow eyes on Valdis, and with care, she says slowly and methodically. "I'm what your Captain wants to be. She's- she's what your Captain wants to be. She became God, kinda. Sorta. And I'm- I'm the anchor. Was the anchor. Before the chain got cut. Now I'm just- I'm just here, in the sea, watching the waters and the little fishes and the corals and listening to the whales sing. He's an ocean, do you see? I'm an anchor in an ocean, I can't replace him, because he's so much bigger than he looks like on the outside. Because we both looked into the eye of God and we were changed, and we were shaped and we became more than only meat, we became a thing between meat and God."
Siffleur very carefully lowers himself into a squat too. "Mom... deep breathes. Slow breathes."
"Shh. Later. I'll calm down later. I have to- we have to do this." She puts both hands on the ground and digs her fingers into it, slowly digging a hole. "It's- it started before I was born, you know. They dug in the dirt for years and years and years, for so many years. Old men looking to find something to make them wealthy and immortal and divine. They found so many things down there, in the depths of the old cities, the places time forgot. When they found the eye, it was closed. That's the only reason they survived. They found it and carried it to the surface, took it to a place that was clean and tidy and they opened it, they opened the eye of God, and it saw them, and it changed them. B-but it wasn't- we're meat, we're meat, so it- we just, we kept- we didn't know how to stop, we didn't have the way to stop it, so in it's gaze, in it's sight, we- we broke, we broke and broke and broke, and we never stopped breaking, never never, not until it was just meat and meat. Meat-" The shrill giggle comes back and she claws at the sand, sloshing it everywhere.
Siffleur holds his hand out against her mouth and she bites him hard, bites him deep. He doesn't flinch. He just holds his hand steady as she tears at him again and again, splattering blood in the sand, until finally her eyes clear, and she pulls her teeth out of him. Her voice is soft and broken. "No Fleur-"
"My arms grow back now, mother." He assures her, holding his mangled hand to the side. "Tell your story."
She huffs. There's blood on her teeth and she licks it off, then she licks her mouth, and then she sags backwards, flopping on her back and staring at the sky. "They found a piece of God and they wanted to know how to use it. And I helped them, until the day they put me in front of it, and made me stare into the eye too. That's the story, long and gory. I saw God, and it split me into two. A-and... and I spent years, years trying to sew myself back together. But you can't unsplit the atom. All you can do is finish the job. So... so I did. I went back. I went back. They were lesser now. They never solved it. They died off, moved on. The eye was- the eye was easier to reach. So I- so I reached it. I looked into it again, knowing what I know now, understanding what it wanted and I- I changed. One more time."
She lifts her arms up to the sky, palms flat and pointed. "I became like it. Like God. Everywhere and anywhere and all the time. Which is- it's very confusing. Being all times. You get lost. You lose yourself. It's- you're a little boat on the ocean, and then you become the ocean and it's- it's always moving, moving moving moving, everywhere and anywhere and allwhere and alltime and anytime and everytime, you see? So-so, you need an anchor. You need something to tether yourself too. It- it could have been a thing. L-like the eye was for God. But I wasn't- I can't. I can't. I can't be that. I can't- I won't! I won't be caught and kept I fucking won't I fucking won't-"
Siffleur tries to offer his hand again but she refuses it, digging her heels into the sand and then kicking at it, throwing dirt everywhere, screaming furiously and indignantly, until there's two huge tracks dug by her feet and her voice cuts out, all of her going limp like a puppet with cut strings.
"Sorry." She says weakly. "It's- the memory makes it hard. I'm s-so fucking angry here. Oh Fleur-"
"It's okay mom." He sits with her, lifting her head from the dirt and setting it against his thigh, brushing the soil from her hair. Siffleur's heart hurts. He didn't want her to ever explain anything, and he feels guilty to know any of this now. It wasn't his to understand. He wasn't owed anything. She let him live - that was enough. That was more than enough. "I want you here. I want you to be safe."
She sighs again, huffs, rolls her head to the side as he keeps brushing her off. "It's fine. You're still back there, with me and me. No matter what happens, I'm safe. I'm safe... I'm too big to hurt now."