"Hey-- those things were important. I know what-- Gus meant for you. Still feel shitty about that. Sorry." And now Gus II isn't going to see much of a better end. He pushes himself up slowly, reaching out to rest his hand back on Steven's back, rubbing carefully.
"Steven, you're-- real. All of this is real for you. I know how you were made, but you're real." This is stressing him out now, worry and guilt eating at him. He knew Steven wouldn't handle the truth well -- it's why he wanted to keep him away from it. He wanted him to be happy. He wanted him to be... normal and safe and alive. Hearing him like this, seeing him cry... it doesn't feel good.
He sits up a bit straighter and curls his arms around Steven, pulling him in closer again, against his chest. "You think-- I haven't been through all that? Wanting some sort of explanation that wasn't me being every thing she said I was? Something that'd mean she didn't just hate me?"
How many excuses had he come up with?
That she was mentally ill, that she was a drunk, that she was anything but a hateful horrible woman and he was more than a curse on everyone around him. If he could have been a better son, if he hadn't been so-- fucking stupid and gotten Randall killed. He still should have known. He should have known. Being a kid isn't an excuse, even if it's unfair. He fails at protecting everything he loves. His brother, Steven, Layla...
"I'm sorry," he offers after a moment, even if what he wants to do is plug his ears up and tell Steven to shut up, don't-- compare him to her, even if he knows it's not that much different. That he's not that much different. Oh, he could be a monster. He has been. He has been. Maybe worse. She'd beaten him and hated him and made sure he knew just how terrible he was every day of his life, but--
How much blood is on his hands now? He's not-- he can't ever be clean from that. Maybe they all deserved it, but fuck if it doesn't destroy a little bit of you every time you take a life and how can anyone else think otherwise? It's not easy. Maybe it would have been better, if he'd died a long time ago... if Khonshu hadn't kept making him nice and healed and ready for the next job. "I got it-- I'll get it under control, alright?"
How shitty is it that he can't even be sure that's a promise he can keep. He tucks his head in against Steven, squeezes his eyes shut as he just-- tries to breathe. Just keep breathing, even if all of this is stuff he doesn't want to touch on or acknowledge. Maybe he's just ashamed and figures Steven will realize the man who created him isn't worth all of this. He isn't worth trying to love or protect.
"You don't know-- you don't know and I didn't want you to know. I don't want you to know-- I can't just stop. I can't. If I don't drink, if I don't find something to take the edge off sometimes, man. I can't sleep. I can't-- do this. How am I supposed to live with myself, Steven?"
And now-- he's dead, but he's still here. There's no peaceful nothingness. He still exists. He'd always wanted to die because he thought it'd be a break, but no. Turns out just the same old shit. He still has to deal with himself. He gets Steven though and that's. More than he thought he'd ever get. Except now he feels sore and open and vulnerable and like he's-- really shit at doing the one thing he keeps promising to do still. He's not keeping Steven safe. "Don't cry, c'mon. Stop it."
He turns his head to press a kiss to the top of Steven's head. "I just-- I wanted to. You got all the good things and I wanted you to. I didn't want you to remember what Mom did. You're not responsible, Steven. You're-- something she couldn't take away from me. You're mine and I-- loved you. I love you."
Fuck, he's going to regret saying all of this. Just like he regrets all the shit at the psych ward. It goes against every instinct to just shut everything down, keep it all bottled up because he has no idea what'll happen if he lets it all out. This is more than he's said to anyone. to Khonshu, to Layla... "So just stop, man. Alright? Stop feeling bad for this shit. It's not your fault. You let me hide when I needed to. You don't know how much I needed to and you were there and I got to be-- happy seeing you happy, just a little bit."
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"Steven, you're-- real. All of this is real for you. I know how you were made, but you're real." This is stressing him out now, worry and guilt eating at him. He knew Steven wouldn't handle the truth well -- it's why he wanted to keep him away from it. He wanted him to be happy. He wanted him to be... normal and safe and alive. Hearing him like this, seeing him cry... it doesn't feel good.
He sits up a bit straighter and curls his arms around Steven, pulling him in closer again, against his chest. "You think-- I haven't been through all that? Wanting some sort of explanation that wasn't me being every thing she said I was? Something that'd mean she didn't just hate me?"
How many excuses had he come up with?
That she was mentally ill, that she was a drunk, that she was anything but a hateful horrible woman and he was more than a curse on everyone around him. If he could have been a better son, if he hadn't been so-- fucking stupid and gotten Randall killed. He still should have known. He should have known. Being a kid isn't an excuse, even if it's unfair. He fails at protecting everything he loves. His brother, Steven, Layla...
"I'm sorry," he offers after a moment, even if what he wants to do is plug his ears up and tell Steven to shut up, don't-- compare him to her, even if he knows it's not that much different. That he's not that much different. Oh, he could be a monster. He has been. He has been. Maybe worse. She'd beaten him and hated him and made sure he knew just how terrible he was every day of his life, but--
How much blood is on his hands now? He's not-- he can't ever be clean from that. Maybe they all deserved it, but fuck if it doesn't destroy a little bit of you every time you take a life and how can anyone else think otherwise? It's not easy. Maybe it would have been better, if he'd died a long time ago... if Khonshu hadn't kept making him nice and healed and ready for the next job. "I got it-- I'll get it under control, alright?"
How shitty is it that he can't even be sure that's a promise he can keep. He tucks his head in against Steven, squeezes his eyes shut as he just-- tries to breathe. Just keep breathing, even if all of this is stuff he doesn't want to touch on or acknowledge. Maybe he's just ashamed and figures Steven will realize the man who created him isn't worth all of this. He isn't worth trying to love or protect.
"You don't know-- you don't know and I didn't want you to know. I don't want you to know-- I can't just stop. I can't. If I don't drink, if I don't find something to take the edge off sometimes, man. I can't sleep. I can't-- do this. How am I supposed to live with myself, Steven?"
And now-- he's dead, but he's still here. There's no peaceful nothingness. He still exists. He'd always wanted to die because he thought it'd be a break, but no. Turns out just the same old shit. He still has to deal with himself. He gets Steven though and that's. More than he thought he'd ever get. Except now he feels sore and open and vulnerable and like he's-- really shit at doing the one thing he keeps promising to do still. He's not keeping Steven safe. "Don't cry, c'mon. Stop it."
He turns his head to press a kiss to the top of Steven's head. "I just-- I wanted to. You got all the good things and I wanted you to. I didn't want you to remember what Mom did. You're not responsible, Steven. You're-- something she couldn't take away from me. You're mine and I-- loved you. I love you."
Fuck, he's going to regret saying all of this. Just like he regrets all the shit at the psych ward. It goes against every instinct to just shut everything down, keep it all bottled up because he has no idea what'll happen if he lets it all out. This is more than he's said to anyone. to Khonshu, to Layla... "So just stop, man. Alright? Stop feeling bad for this shit. It's not your fault. You let me hide when I needed to. You don't know how much I needed to and you were there and I got to be-- happy seeing you happy, just a little bit."