come_sailaway | Country roads, take me home

Who: Steven Grant and open - start your own subthreads and stuff
What: Studio Ghibli movie night
Where: Cabin 135
When: early December
Warnings: none so far

After subjecting Marc and Maeve to Ghibli nights, Steven has widened his circle of suffering to include a few other people. What was going to be 'come over and watch My Neighbour Totoro?' became a proper whole evening at Steven and Marc's cabin. They spent the afternoon tidying up the room, returning a bunch of library books and keeping the rest of his stash in a corner on the other side of the bed. Clean laundry put away, a small load of dirty clothes taken down to the wash. The ankle cuff and bungee cord is stashed away in the cupboard alongside their small emergency hoard of water, snacks and food in case they have to lock themselves in their cabin one day for weeks on end. Bathroom tidied up as well, with extra toilet paper stacked on top of the cistern in anticipation of several guests.

The cabin is still small in spite of their cleanup efforts, and Steven insists on having some snacks available, so for savoury options there's baby carrots and celery sticks with hummus dip, potato skins, kumara fries and cassava chips, and mango sticky rice and pan fried cinnamon bananas for something sweet. It's not exactly going to be the healthiest night in terms of food, but half a dozen people sitting knee to knee in a claustrophobic little cabin crying at children's anime is surely going to make up for that and be healthy for all of them.

The programme for the night is Steven's Studio Ghibli box set, although he only has one DVD player and one television so they need to pick their movies wisely since they'll only be able to watch two or three. They're always welcome to come back next time to watch more. Steven's recommending more Kiki's Delivery Service and Princess Mononoke, and less Grave of the Fireflies and When Marnie Was There. They don't really want to be crying into their bowl of vegan snacks every 15 minutes...

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"This seems like it's for kids too..." Ava replies uncertainly. There doesn't appear to be any overly mature themes that would make it adult content, or at least she hopes that's not the direction any of this is going.

"But the art style is nice. Simple, but not goofy."

"Well. I suppose it could be." Steven did enjoy these when he was young. Or at least, he thought he did. It's hard to tell considering Marc doesn't like anime so Steven doesn't know if it was something he made up or if it naturally developed after Marc gave Steven two or three bits of personality and he took on a life of his own from there.

"Some of their other movies you'd appreciate differently when you're older though. Stories about war and death and stuff."

"I was sixteen when they decided I was old enough to go kill," Ava admits quietly, her eyes not moving from the tv. "Though I guess that's not that young. Soldiers always seem to be recruited about that age. I think it has something to do with the development of the brain. Self-preservation isn't quite there yet. And it's easier to condition and control those with less defined self." Her hand is resting in the popcorn bowl, grasping at a few pieces, but she doesn't move her hand to bring any to her mouth.

"I don't think until you're older that all the things you went through as a kid really make sense for the horror that they were."

"It's young," Steven confirms as he tries to settle down next to Ava without jostling her or anyone else. Just because there's all these young people on this boat that have been through a lot doesn't make it normal, or acceptable. They deserve to have a worry-free childhood and rebellious teenage years and all the things that other people get to have.

"M'not-- trying to tell you what or how to feel, but. What happened to you wasn't right." And yes, to some degree it should matter how she feels about it, but ultimately even if she's okay with it, it doesn't mean that everyone else should be too. No one should have to go through that - at any age, really. And it's not like she had a Steven to distract her from her troubles, or protect her when things got to be too much.

"No, it wasn't right. I just mean..." she draws her legs up close to her body, lowering her head to rest upon her knees. "It does all seem so different when you're old enough to understand the wider context. It was awful then, in a more immediate sense. But now it's just... hard to escape in other ways. Every goddamn world I hear about. Like there's no way to... prevent all the despair and destruction. That even cartoons are... plagued by it."

"I don't think most of us can prevent that. And the people who can, they don't-- they don't want to." It's bad for business or it's apparently not how the world is supposed to work or wha'ever. They've heard it all before.

"The state of the world, all this-- mess. It's not our fault. I don't believe in harming anyone or anything else. We do the right thing to the best of our ability, and when we're wrong, we admit it and change how we think, what we do. It's the best anyone can hope for."

"But isn't that way of thinking what allows those who are more inclined to take control and harm for their own interests? Because the rest of us are too concerned with being... good ourselves. We create all these stories where hope and love and goodness prevail, all while knowing the world will never work that way and there's no actual justice."

"But they do." Steven flashes her a small, tight-lipped smile and shrugs. "I can't change the world or. End all the wars or bring justice to anyone. I could resign myself to that fact and be bitter and cynical and selfish and just look out for Marc and I. But I can also choose to live with hope and love and goodness, as best I can, and share what I have with the people around me. I don't think that's a bad way to live. And maybe if enough people choose to be kind, then, y'know. We can all change the world in our own little way. Of course, people could take advantage of that, or use you, or call you stupid. But if that's what it costs for me to be kind, then that's the price I have to pay."

"I'm trying. To be kinder, to do better by others than what was done to me. But it's true. People do seem to... think I'm foolish, for wanting to hold onto hope here. They don't seem to realize how difficult that choice is for me. To trust, to believe that there is anything better out there. To think that I can make any sort of difference at all. I'm doing everything I can to not slip back into the person I once was, because I know how nasty I can be. And so many people just want to drag me right back down. It's exhausting." She closes her eyes.

"You are. Making a difference," Steven reassures her. This was always going to be an uphill battle and he suspects she knew that going in. But a bit of encouragement here and there wouldn't hurt. He knows he feels encouraged to tough it out when Marc says nice things, and Marc hardly says anything so it's quite a feat to get blood out of that stone.

"My life is certainly better for having you in it. So don't give up, alright?" It's so hard for Steven to make friends or get much support around here. He really appreciates her patience with him.

"... You're not just saying that?" she asks uncertainly.

"No. Well I'm saying it because I mean it." Technically he is just saying it, isn't he? Doesn't mean it's not true though.

"You don't have to be, like. Perfect. You just have to try, and try and be better than you were yesterday. And it's okay if you're not. I think it's... supposed to be a bit of a struggle." Steven swallows, trying not to get too weird or religious about it.

Country roads, take me home

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