come_sailaway | Country roads, take me home

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Country roads, take me home

Who: Steven Grant and open - start your own subthreads and stuff
What: Studio Ghibli movie night
Where: Cabin 135
When: early December
Warnings: none so far

After subjecting Marc and Maeve to Ghibli nights, Steven has widened his circle of suffering to include a few other people. What was going to be 'come over and watch My Neighbour Totoro?' became a proper whole evening at Steven and Marc's cabin. They spent the afternoon tidying up the room, returning a bunch of library books and keeping the rest of his stash in a corner on the other side of the bed. Clean laundry put away, a small load of dirty clothes taken down to the wash. The ankle cuff and bungee cord is stashed away in the cupboard alongside their small emergency hoard of water, snacks and food in case they have to lock themselves in their cabin one day for weeks on end. Bathroom tidied up as well, with extra toilet paper stacked on top of the cistern in anticipation of several guests.

The cabin is still small in spite of their cleanup efforts, and Steven insists on having some snacks available, so for savoury options there's baby carrots and celery sticks with hummus dip, potato skins, kumara fries and cassava chips, and mango sticky rice and pan fried cinnamon bananas for something sweet. It's not exactly going to be the healthiest night in terms of food, but half a dozen people sitting knee to knee in a claustrophobic little cabin crying at children's anime is surely going to make up for that and be healthy for all of them.

The programme for the night is Steven's Studio Ghibli box set, although he only has one DVD player and one television so they need to pick their movies wisely since they'll only be able to watch two or three. They're always welcome to come back next time to watch more. Steven's recommending more Kiki's Delivery Service and Princess Mononoke, and less Grave of the Fireflies and When Marnie Was There. They don't really want to be crying into their bowl of vegan snacks every 15 minutes...

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"What about... like an Indian place? That's almost all vegan already anyway, minus that cheese thing. Okay so mostly vegetarian, but just a bit of a change up and you're good to go, and then Marc can get chicken tiki masala and everyone wins." And Pratt would like an excuse to eat cubes of cheese covered in sauce.

"Would he do that tho? Eat food you like just cuz you wanna? Because that's pretty sweet."

"Yeah. Yeah that could work. I love a good chana masala." And it'll be a different thing for a lot of people to try, wouldn't it? Surely they're sick of the same buffet and restaurant food too...

"He does, yeah. He'd eat falafels even though he could eat anything else on the menu. And he used to make me lunches. Mushroom and rice wraps. He's actually-- quite nice," Steven reminisces with a small smile. Maybe Marc is an asshole to other people but to Steven he's been really sweet.

He's not culinarily experienced enough to recall which dish that is, except that he's pretty sure masala is the sauce. But Pratt will basically eat anything that isn't meat so he's all for it.

"Okay, that's adorable." He's still not sure if they're twins or clones or whatever, but he likes Steven so he will keep giving Marc (and even people possessing Marc) pep talks about this whole kind of relationship thing. "You're living the dream you know? Crotchety guy who only really likes you. If I had the internet I'd have so many memes about the grumpy one and the sunshine one. Man, I miss the internet."

'Crochety guy' makes Steven laugh. Marc's not that bad... most of the time.

"He's married you know," Steven points out. "To a rather wonderful lady. And he has to like me because we're stuck together." Steven knows that he's more annoying than he is likeable, or at least, that's what people keep telling him, and that's what he's internalised.

"The internet would just give the Captain bad ideas. People lived fine without it for thousands of years... come on, we'll find something better."

"Yeah but... she's not here." Which sucks for Marc but maybe is good for her? Or well, the version of her that would be here anyway.

"And he doesn't have to be nice to you, he could be a dick if he wanted. But he's not, cuz he actually does like you, you know?" Pratt rolls his eyes, is this another Ossie and Giles thing where one of them is totally oblivious to the other pining away. Why is that so common?

"Or. Or we could have way more cats and cat videos. And people didn't live fine without it. They'd get in dumb arguments and then not be able to instantly go to Wikipedia and look up the answer so no one was ever right or wrong! That sucks."

"Yeah, but. He's still married to her. For now." At least, Steven doesn't remember Marc signing those divorce papers. Otherwise he would have really tried to convince Marc to stay with her, to work through these problems in their marriage. They're good for each other. Not to mention, Steven thinks she's a wonderful woman. He wanted to-- be friends, at least. That's going to be hard once they're divorced.

"I like him too. Even when he's-- not himself." Steven frowns. That's also kind of the problem, isn't it? He rather liked possessed Marc.

"We had encyclopaedias..." Steven points out. "Volumes and volumes of them. All the answers are in there too. And it's not like the internet's helped everyone get the right answers... it's the wild west of anything anybody says being potentially taken for gospel. You wouldn't believe the kind of rubbish that people believe because they read it on the internet."

"Sure but..." He doesn't wanna harp on the 'she's not here' thing because that's actually kind of depressing. And a little hard for him to fully understand because he doesn't have any family, and not really any friends back home either, so there's no one he's longing to see again. Maybe that feels different - or at least a little crappy, to both be wishing for someone to be here but also glad they're not because then they're not stuck on a boat being a battery for a magic Captain.

"Yeah he seemed.. okay. I'm gonna be real, I didn't really notice anything weird? I was kinda.. I sorta thought he was just trying to be nice or something. Turning over a new leaf." He runs his hand down his face, "So now I feel like shit for not noticing that he wasn't really.. him. Not that I could have done anything but..."

Wow okay, an even more depressing topic! They're so good at this.

"Sure but you gotta read them. Also I live in the middle of nowhere and there's people who don't have the internet and I had to explain to a seventy year old man that turtles can't walk out of their shells. Pretty sure he thought I was lying. Of course he also wanted to build an iceblock wall between us and Canada to keep the Canadians out and didn't seem to realize that aside from that being fucking stupid - it would melt."

Steven's frown settles down into a sulk as he picks at the hem of his shirt. "Me too," he admits quietly. "I thought he-- finally let go. And was happy. And trusted, and respected me enough to open up to me. But I was just-- stupid, and blind, and naive, for ever hoping that he would ever trust me to talk to me about anything meaningful. He just made fools out of us."

He glances over at Pratt, then looks back at the floor, breathing a shaky sigh out. He might be two sentences away from bursting into tears if they dwell on this topic.

"What is it with Americans and walls," Steven grumbles. Marc's very good at building them too. And Steven can guess that Pratt is the same.

"Nah you're not dumb. He was trying to not be found out by anyone, and did a damn good job of it by acting kinda like Marc but just different enough that we all sorta fell for it. Which.." He lowers his voice even more in case Marc is listening, "Sucks for Marc. I don't want him thinking we liked the other guy better or something. That'd be fucked up."

Plus he hadn't seen Marc at the party, he just assumes the guy in his body had been getting his murder on because that's what all the other possessed people had been doing.

"We're all about walls. And fences. Anything to keep people out and keep our shit in." Physically. Mentally. It's like Americans got free barricades instead of healthcare and went nuts with it.

Steven swallows the lump in his throat and whines. Unfortunately, Marc already thinks that Steven likes the other guy better than he likes Marc. They went on that date and Steven was really happy and everything.

And, you know. Maybe Steven did kind of like the man he thought Marc had become more than the current difficult-to-deal-with Marc. This situation they're in is certainly currently more difficult to deal with than the laid back guy who snuggled with him in bed and showered him with affection.

"I went on a date with him. He was really nice to me..." Steven is about 3 seconds away from wailing.

"Oh." Ah, well that's ... hm. Pratt runs his hand over his mouth and jaw before responding because he vaguely remembers having that talk with not-Marc about how to treat Steven better. Wow that hits so different knowing that his advice worked, and that his advice was to someone possessing Marc and not the man himself. He doesn't even really remember what he said to try and recreate it.

Fortunately he can see the oncoming breakdown, "Hey man, it's cool. You'll get there with the actual Marc and it'll be fucking awesome. He's probably having a rough time coming back from some dude piloting his body around. That's gotta feel freaky, never had.. exactly that - but after I wake up from doing something crazy that I don't remember I'm always super out of it. And he had a full ass month of it. And being in the ship or whatever."

"He's used to it!" Steven accuses, although he should probably be using his inside voice a bit more. He glances around at the people shooting dirty looks their way and mumbles apologies before hunching over and shrinking into himself a bit more.

Yes, he's used to having 'some dude piloting his body around'. They both are. Yes it feels freaky, and they'll be out of it for a while, and it's not always easy to just come back. But it's more than that. Marc's been wilfully avoiding things, not wanting to talk or get too close, and when Steven tries to comfort him or get him to talk he pulls back even more.

"Maybe I should move out for a while," Steven whispers, mostly to himself. "He doesn't want me around like he used to."

"Uhhh..." Okay he wasn't ... quite prepared for that outburst. "What do you mean he's used to it?"

If Ava mentioned their whole deal he doesn't remember, and now thinks that they're from a world that just has occasional possessions. No wonder Steven doesn't wanna go back.

"Aight for starters, your key is only gonna open this room. Jack stayed with me for a while when Hiyori blew their room up, and even though I let him, I couldn't really give him a key since it's my phone. So he was sorta trapped in the hallway til I let him in. There's not really anywhere for you to stay. Please don't sleep in the library or something heartbreaking." Pratt's not sure he could handle how sad and pathetic that would be. "You sure he doesn't want you around? Like... did he say that?"

"I just mean. It's happened before." That feels safe enough to say without giving too much away. He really should watch his mouth and be less prone to outbursts.

"I can hang out in the hallway. Or the library. It'd be a dream if they don't kick me out." He would live in the library if he could eat and drink and shower and sleep there. But he knows he's clumsy and he doesn't want to make a mess of the place, so he wouldn't bring anything spillable or drippable in even if he was allowed.

He frowns as he considers Pratt's question, then shakes his head. "...no, but! He hasn't said anything. He doesn't talk to me." Which leaves Steven to sit and sulk and come up with crazy theories that run away into really bizarre, nightmarish scenarios.

"Okay well that fucking sucks. I didn't know your world had like.. ghosts and possessions and shit. That's kinda fucking terrifying. At least the ones here are probably stuck back in the ship again which.. if what people say about that is right, sounds like it's miserable."

Oh this is just getting sadder the longer they talk, "You're not gonna sleep in the hallway like you're homeless on the steps of city hall. Come on man, wouldn't it be easier to just talk to him? Instead of dragging all your shit to the library."

"It-- Well. Yeah. Maybe." He doesn't know if anyone's getting possessed on the regular. But it's easier to let Pratt believe that than to try and explain that Marc is mentally ill and Steven is... a really bad symptom.

"I'll-- try. But. I'm always the one trying to talk to him. If I'm lucky he'll meet me halfway, but. He never tells me anything. If he doesn't find it tiresome by now, I-- I mean surely it's not too much to ask, if he. Tries to talk to me once in a while. It's not a burden to talk to him or anything. But maybe it's a burden for him to talk to me. I d'know." It also puts the onus on Steven to shore up the enthusiasm and drive the conversation. He'll never stop trying. But it just makes him feel like Marc is humouring him out of obligation.

"Anyway, we're-- always together. Maybe some time apart would be good for us too. Isn't that what the telly always says? On those dramas."

Pratt's gonna just assume his world is full of vengeful ghosts waiting to take people over like the movie version of Constantine.

"Yeah and that sucks, relationships are supposed to be 50/50 according to my ex who read me the fucking riot act when we broke up." Which now that he thinks about it is probably why he's so damn invested in Steven's relationship drama. Because Marc reminds him of himself and he's fucked up everything in his life hardcore. It sucks to see that from the outside especially to someone as nice as Steven. "But, if he isn't gonna put anything into it then I guess... at some point... you do gotta move on. Which fucking blows."

He snorts, "Yeah the absence makes the heart grow fonder thing doesn't really work in real life. I guess maybe if you both cool off a bit and then try again you'd be starting at the ground floor, could work shit back up. But that kinda runs the risk of it going even more sideways."

The thought of even the possibility of moving on from Marc fills Steven with great anxiety. Not too long ago he wanted nothing more, but. He's come to realise the myriad of different ways that Marc has helped him all throughout his life. As awkward as things have been lately, he's not certain he can live without him.

"I don't want to start over," Steven whines. It was hard enough just getting here. But maybe-- maybe it's for the best. Maybe he's the only one who genuinely wants to be here.

"I don't-- think I can have what I really want. But-- But. But it doesn't mean I don't like what I have. What we have. Or. Had." Is it past tense now? It's probably past tense now. Cue the waterworks starting up again in 3...2...1.

OH shit.

Oh no oh shit oh shit. Pratt is doing that thing where even though he's an actual cop he starts looking for someone more mature and adult than he is who can handle this situation. He's not qualified for this.

"Wait. Okay. Hold on," He is trying to manually force his brain into functionality right here right now. "So you don't have to start over, just an idea so you can get together again but here and have it be all new and meaningful?"

Does that sound right? Maybe. Fuck.

"To start with, you gotta tell Marc what you're tellin' me. That you like what you guys have." Present tense Steven! Present tense. "And that you wanna keep on keeping on, maybe even go further? But he's gotta do some of the work ya know? It can't all be on you. And then drag him to go get sorbet at the ice cream place."

To be fair, nobody is qualified for this, save for any shrinks on board. Even then, there's so much to unpack between Marc's condition, how Marc isn't living with it well, how Steven interprets his condition, how they both feel about it, about each other - it's a big mess that's going to take months to work through, at the very least.

Steven sniffles and wipes his tears away with the back of his hand, not wanting anyone watching them to panic that Pratt is making Steven cry somehow, but also struggling to keep it all in and regulate his emotions better. Present tense is good. Keeping what they have and building on it is even better. And of course, nothing can top a good sorbet, really.

"I'll-- try. Talking to him." No guarantees, since Steven is the type who would want to wait for a good time and place, and usually the opportunity will be long gone by the time the conditions are absolutely perfect. But he's not Marc at least, so. If he's taking anything to the grave, it won't be his words about how he feels about anything.

"Do you think it's weird?" A halting, start-stop string of sniffles follow. "Or wrong." It's an abrupt change of topic maybe, but. Steven can only imagine how crazy and dysfunctional and perverse it must look from the outside.

ohthankgodhesnotcrying. "Oh good." There's almost a sigh of relief because Pratt has many concerns about you Steven. "All you gotta do is try, don't think about if it's gonna work or not, because you'll get all up in your head and psyche yourself out. Human brains are so fucking good at self sabotage."

But that question brings him up short, "Uh. I don't think I get to judge man. If you're happy that's what matters. I think I'm one of the only cops around and it's not like I'm gonna arrest you or something."

"It'll work." It has to. It's not like it's an optional thing, between them. They've come this far - there's no way that things won't get awkward if they're ever going to go back to sharing a body one day.

"I was." Happy. Maybe past tense isn't that great. "I am. I will be." Even if things fall to pieces with Marc, even if Marc finds Steven to be a right nuisance and doesn't want him around anymore, he just has to keep going.

"...thanks." There'll still be a few sniffles but he's not on the verge of crying anymore, at least.

"There you go! That's the spirit." And he's not just saying that because he's excited that there aren't tears pouring out of Steven's eyes, he really thinks the man can save this ... relationship, or whatever it is. Also he's a sap who likes happy endings.

"You'll get there again man, this is just a bump in the road. You're on a road trip and you're in the shitty Nevada section where there's nothing to see and it's just boring desert. Whiiiiich I goess means nothing to you, but just trust me, it'll perk up. Marc can't stay all miserable and bitter forever. If it gets too bad I'll sic Klaus on him."

Yeah, he has more imaginary experience with rolling English hills than Nevada desert, but he thinks he gets it. Besides, even said experience with those rolling English hills probably aren't even real anyway.

"Okay... thanks." He has no idea what or who Klaus is, but. He's glad to have Pratt's support. Even if Pratt's support had encouraged not-Marc to take him out and make this a bigger mess than it could have been in the first place.

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Country roads, take me home

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