come_sailaway | I can keep my mind intact [OPEN]

Entry tags:

I can keep my mind intact [OPEN]

Who: Honoria Crabb & you!
What: Crabb trying to pick up some new hobbies, sort of
When: December up until the event
Where: Many places on the ship
Warnings: Possession/death and stuff still has a good chance of coming up, others added as we go
Notes: Feel free to flip me to brackets I am comfortable with either style. For the Chess prompt do not expect me the player to actually know anything about chess, lmao. ALSO Crabb is now wearing an amaranth pin on her collar at all times if you want to ask about it and make this easily embarrassed old timer explain she and her girlfriend are wearing matching pins.

1. By getting on with a new mission [library]

So, Crabb's latest sundries package seems to be giving her a hint. It was a kind of weird package in the first place, a large stack of what amounts to years worth of case files from home and a leather bound notebook in Gallery teal, that magically spawned the title 'my first novel' when she tried to just use it like any other notebook of hers gets used (read: random scribbled down thoughts throughout the day).

Not a hard hint to understand, but a confusing one. 'Writer' is not something that Crabb has ever considered herself. Her education went as far as any working class kid in the late 19th century and she considers herself clever enough, sure, but it's a different skillset.

This means that, in practice, Crabb... isn't actually writing at all. Instead, she's spending her time in the library picking up other books (most often either the volumes of Captain Berrada's retellings of Ferrier cases from home, or Watson's recently introduced catalogue of his stories past and future) or skimming through old case files, mumbling and huffing and otherwise reacting to what she's reading to herself.

2. I can push myself, having heavy ammunition [sports deck/fight club]

Crabb doesn't tend to come by fight club itself, really. Most of her own training is one-on-one with Erin, which she prefers to keep that way, or helping out César. But this month, she drops in a couple times. For the most part, she still hangs back, sitting against a railing and watching more than she steps up to take a go at a punching bag or to any sparring spaces. She keeps an eye on people she knows, takes note of some that she doesn't, and generally just absorbs the atmosphere of being surrounded by people for a while. Anyone who approaches will get at least a polite nod, perhaps a greeting.

Sometimes, though, she's up to something a little different. A while back, she received her mentor Ferrier's cane. Even if she needed a cane to walk it would be too tall for her to use comfortably, Ferrier being as tall as she is, and it's unique explosive function is not one she wants to use in fight club, but she does know the value of a cane as a weapon. What she does not know is how to use it like one herself, which is what she spends some time trying to figure out based on memory alone. Careful she doesn't accidentally poke your eye out.

3. When something gets me down, for a second I'm distracted [lounge]

Yet another gift was the old chess set that, last Crabb saw it, was burning up in the chemical fire that took out the rest of Bastrop manner. It's a normal chess set otherwise, if clearly one that would've been very expensive in its time and with red pieces instead of white, but Crabb is weirdly embarrassed about it turning up for... reasons. Blame Erin.

Despite that, though, she does actually post up on a table in the lounge with it. She's not some master player but she knows the game well enough, so if you come by you might get, "Fancy a game?" or otherwise invited to join her. Or maybe you approach her while she's otherwise distracted reading something when not playing.

4. I look back amongst the lights, I consequently lit my path with [promenade]

The statue has been there for a while, now. Honestly, she should have noticed it sooner, and she did, in the broadest sense; she realise it was there, but didn't pay it much mind on account of spending a lot of November in a state of mild disassociation when not being grounded by someone else.

She's certainly noticed it now, though! Keeps getting distracted by it, even, ending up staring at it for a long moment every other trip down the promenade. Ol' Quincy Monmouth, the weird little man who is, really, the only reason she lived the life she did the last few years at home. She has absolutely no idea how she feels about the guy's giant golden face staring out across the promenade but it's not what she'd call good, that's for sure. And it shows in her disgruntled face.

5. Wildcard

Find me at

bluecitrine or at artisticblueteam#5757/in the discord. Calgona's gym working out, eating in the buffet or the Drunken Sailor, or sat around nursing a drink in Tauva are always good places to find her.

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Crabb appears standing behind the chair on the opposite side of the table from Smith. She does not swing by the Sand Dollars counter to get her own coffee first, like she might if this was a purely social visit. She just rests her hand on the back of the empty chair and, with a weary sigh and something of a restrained mix of concern and frustration in her voice, opens with:

"Erin told me I should ask Ava what in God's name happened to her, but if I go tryna talk to her right now, it's not gonna be a talk, it's gonna be an interrogation, and that ain't gonna help nobody. Please tell me you know what the Hell is going on."

That she hasn't ordered a drink yet is not a good sign. Combine that with how on edge she seems and Number 6 is already bracing for something. He thought it might be this.

"Yes. Ava was quite upset. I managed to coax some details out of her. Won't you sit?" He motions at the table, inviting her to join him properly. So far, his demeanor is cool and undisturbed, but there's a stiffness in his posture if one looks closely.

Crabb pulls the chair out and, though it'd probably be politer to sit normally, turns it around and sits on it backwards, arms on the back of the chair, because frankly it's more comfortable and lets her slouch without slouching either on the table or away from the conversation.

"Thank God," she breathes out, though she notes the stiffness to him. "Erin was too upset to tell me, even getting Ava's name out of here was a struggle. Don't wanna upset her so I didn't push it, and I don't actually wanna upset Ava either so..."

Here she is.

"I debated going to ask Erin about it myself, but I worried it might be too soon on the heels of this." He sees he was right to reconsider.

"Let me start by assuring you that I do believe that Erin's intentions were good. She and I have a rapport and so I extend her the benefit of that. But her approach left much to be desired."

He pauses to take a sip of tea, watching Crabb's face to see if that is going to cause friction before he continues.

"Ava doesn't trust easily, I'm sure you are aware. She has good reasons. Whether Erin meant it that way or not, Ava felt she was being invasive."

Crabb's brow furrows a little, but no, that doesn't make her roll her eyes or scowl at him or anything that would suggest it's going to be an issue; she can believe that Erin's approach to social situations won't come across the way she means it to everyone.

"I'm aware, yeah. I know a little about her whole," she gestures vaguely with one hand, "situation. Can't blame her at all, for not trusting so easy after that. 'Course the thing is Erin's the way she is as much because of her own circumstances, but you mix some folks up and you get them stomping over each other's bruises, I guess..."

She scrubs that hand over her face. "Whatever Erin said, asked, I ain't got a doubt it was in good faith. But she's... a lot, and I love her for it, but I ain't blind to how that might come across— wrong."

"Precisely," Number 6 says, allowing himself a weary sigh. "It's almost tragic how similar some parts of their situations were. Perhaps that's the cause of the issue. Stomping over each other's bruises, I like that." He nods, thinking it fits very well here.

"I agree Erin can come on strong. It was too strong, in this case. Too insistent. Ava is sensitive to attention being on her at even the best of times. She felt that Erin was trying too hard to use her known relationships as a, well, gateway to creating a kinship between them. Trying to become too familiar too fast. It takes Ava an awfully long time to warm up to a person. And it did not help that Erin told Ava that she is afraid of her, and would not elaborate on why." He clucks his tongue at that, because, secretly, he worries that might be partially his own doing. He told Erin how formidable Ava is.

"I have been working, gently, with Ava to improve her confidence. She has difficulty believing that anyone will like her, or understand her. To hear that Erin fears her... that was a painful blow."

"Johnny framed it as bruises, back when we first really started in on talking about this kinda stuff. Stuck with me, think it works well a lotta the time."

She chews her bottom lip as she processes that whole explanation. For a moment she thinks back through her and Erin's time together to try and remember if she'd brought up Ava herself, could have given her a weird impression with the Battle Royale story, but... no. It's never come up.

"...Christ, that don't half sound like two shades of similar damn issues coming to a head." She rests her chin back on her arms and sighs. "'Course the thing with Erin is that's kinda how she situates herself in the community, y'know; this sorta... social web, where she feels connected, I guess. She wants folks to like her and genuinely wants to understand 'em in turn, but that understanding don't always land on the mark—which, well, clearly, 'cause she sure missed this one."

Ironically she recently heard a complaint from someone else that Erin didn't ask enough questions about her, and now here they are on the other end of the spectrum.

"I ain't sure what the fear thing's about, though; I ain't heard Erin be much scared of anyone, to be honest. Usually I'm the one scared she's gonna get herself hurt by someone I actually think is a threat, and Ava ain't one of those people. Despite, uh. What happened between us, way back."

"I get that same impression from Erin, that she very much wants to be accepted and liked. She wants to form a community, to feel belonging. I do not think that is a bad thing. But, not everyone should or would choose to be part of that community, especially if they are made to feel they haven't been properly asked."

It's a difficult thing, because Ava, he thinks, could really do with a little more belonging. She hasn't been invited into many circles, not for the right reasons. So, perhaps it felt too sudden, too easy, too much like a trap. "When one has been made to struggle for every scrap of acceptance and understanding for as long as Ava has, it can feel too untrustworthy if someone expresses that sort of interest too soon. She doesn't wish to feel pressured.

"If I can confide something in you? The first time I told Ava I thought of her as a friend, she reacted with much skepticism and distrust. I amended the statement down to allies and we agreed to that at the time. Now, here we are. But that just goes to show how much time it takes to build her confidence in a person." That was over the course of months, and not without a few hiccups along the way.

"I represented Ava's powers to Erin without holding back. I hope that wasn't the reason. If I'm correct in my guess about how your encounter with Ava went, then I think you know what I mean. But Ava is dangerous in the same way you or I are--that is to say, she will fiercely defend herself and those she holds dear. But she is not going to commit baseless violence. I would like to ask Erin, at some point, what she meant by it."

"Your guess is probably right, all things given," she says with another sigh. "When stuff's settled Erin might answer you, or if nothin' else she might answer me if I ask. First time I've seen her so upset she couldn't even tell me what was wrong, so I think there's something I'm still... missing, under all this. Even after the Captain dragged her skeletons outta the closet on stage in front of everyone she didn't... shut down like this."

She can't hide how worried that makes her. She wishes there was something more she could do, but if Erin needs the time alone rather than company, then that's what she'll give her.

"But— yeah, don't worry, I ain't gonna tell anyone anything said in confidence. God's teeth, to be that skeptical of being called a friend... no wonder Erin's approach feels invasive. And, see, I think she could take knowing that if it were put right, but..." She gestures vaguely, "I sure don't expect people who are already upset to go around phrasing things all delicate like, either."

She drums her fingers against the back of the chair. "Truth be told, before here? Never had more than a handful of people I woulda called a friend, usually less. Could blame any number of things. I ain't as ladylike as I should be, always been blunt tongued, always been kinda scrappy, was a real workaholic for years... it ain't anything like them, but I get some of it. But it also means I'm not the best at navigating the ins and outs myself."

"I don't know if the question would be better coming from you or me. I may leave that to your discretion."

He really is alarmed to hear that Erin is reacting worse to this than to even what the Captain did and said to her on the stage that day. There must be something else at play here he doesn't know. Something that was said that cut unexpectedly deep. They won't know until Erin can bring herself to speak her side.

"If it's any consolation at all, I don't think Ava meant to hurt Erin as deeply as she obviously has. She was lashing out in pain; you know how messy that can become."

His posture finally does soften some, as he sits back in his seat. "I had even fewer myself. It was my own choice to keep a distance, my line of work being what it was. But, I do know how to read people. It was my job, once, to manipulate and influence the actions of others. I'm not perfect at it. One would need to be a mind reader for that." Which, he is not. But here? Potentially, someone might be. "It is a skill that hasn't left me. It's one I am aiming to use now only in good faith. Still, I have at times overstepped myself despite my best intentions. So, I cannot fault Erin if she stumbles in the same way. I hope she will learn something from it, and that it will not crush her desire to keep trying."

"See, that kinda stuff's always been other folks' job, not mine. I do facts, clues, field work, poking my nose in places that I ain't s'posed to—it's Johnny, Ferrier, Ducky, they do most 'a the people stuff. I ain't a good read on people, and it's kinda caused... issues before, so I usually leave this sorta messy stuff that relies on that to the folks that are."

Says the woman who's spent this entire conversation giving reads on the situation that, while they're perhaps not as articulate or in-depth or even accurate as those others might be, aren't so wildly off the mark as to make no sense. She's better at this than she thinks, but Cragen slipping by her for months left a real mark on her self-assessment here.

"But, yeah, hopefully it ain't gonna knock her down too hard for too long... and I hope Ava's feels less upset sooner rather than later, too. When Erin's ready to talk I'll see if I can ask the question, if I don't see a window I'll give you a heads up," she says, fingers still drumming the chair every now and then. "Bleedin' awful for everyone involved when folks mess up and lash out at each other, like this. Probably a miracle it don't happen even more often, in a space this small, mind."

He can practically see the chip on her shoulder, and knowing what he does about how her previous relationship ended, he isn't surprised. But the look he levels on her now is one that is gently skeptical. "From one professional to another, I think you're handling it better than you think."

He finishes the last of his tea and puts the cup back on the saucer with a sense of finality. "Ava is nothing if not resilient. And both of them have the truest sense of compassion for the lost and forgotten among us that I have ever seen. It's a real shame they haven't been able to reach a common ground with each other but I have hope that they could yet. As you say, for better or for worse we are all stuck in each other's company. Bridges are in short supply for burning."

"...well, thanks, I guess. Sure am trying, if nothin' else." It's genuine, even if she's still skeptical of herself. She sits up straighter, not slouching fully against the chair back anymore, and rubs at her neck a bit. "You're right about those bridges; Hell, even killing each other don't hold all that much weight around here half the time, given the circumstances. Might even hold less weight than arguments like this, sometimes; death don't stick but emotional jabs leave a mark."

Of course there's a sliding scale in all of this, and it helps that many of the deaths at each other's hands have been caused by extenuating circumstances, but... your priorities seriously shift here, it feels like. Death is not the worst thing that can happen to you, as unpleasant as it is.

"Is one of the things I love about Erin, she cares just— so Goddamn much about those who are or just feel left behind. Hell, the way she looks out for some of the kids around here, for one..." She shakes her head a little, shrugs a shoulder. "Hopefully given enough time they'll at least, y'know, get around to even ground again. They might just not mesh well, in the end, no matter what either of 'em do, want or don't want, but..."

"I think it is entirely possible the emotional wounds last longer than any physical one will in a place like this." Which has him particularly worried for Ava and Erin in equal measure. Both seem fragile in their own ways. But, as much as he has come to respect Erin, he cannot allow her to damage the confidence he's trying to help Ava build in herself. Not even accidentally. He hopes and prays it will never come down to a choice of sides.

"Yes, she has a habit of pushing some of those kids in my direction, at times. It's a nice gesture." One that he still doesn't quite know what to do with, but it is nice to have her vote of confidence.

"I hope they can, but I'm not keen to try and push it too soon. I asked Ava to try and hear Erin out. She did try. That was all I could ask of her and all I will ask. I think it's best if we give them both some time to lick their wounds and see what may come of it. You should advise Erin not to make any more moves toward Ava until Ava is ready to be approached. It would only come off badly now."

"She thinks I should take more of a shot with 'em too, but I am... I ain't historically great with teens. Little kids... sorta, or at least I didn't do terrible with the kids at the orphanage, but..." She waves a hand vaguely, like she's waving the thought away. She's done alright with Rich, and he's the most important teen around here for her to get on with since he's Johnny and co's kid.

"But I'll tell her, yeah. Hopefully I can get it through her skull, don't think it'd be the first time she's struggled with the idea of not tryna— fix the mess right off, instead of backing off a while. But I can check her well enough, I think."

It's not actually an unfamiliar role, being the one reining in someone else. Bastrop and Ducky had their moments where they needed someone grounded enough to tell them they were being ridiculous, or that they weren't taking something into account.

"Aim for civil from a distance, that's really all we can do 'til something changes." She scrubs her hand over her face. "And I'll— cool off a bit before I try talk to Ava again. I ain't got no problem with her, y'know, she ain't in the wrong here, but this is gonna be a whole... thing, hovering, and I don't wanna make a tit of myself saying something that comes across like I'm tryna make her forgive Erin or some crap."

"I don't think you could do much worse than I did with them in my first months here." She heard him scream at them at the beach party, didn't she?

"Thank you. I realize this puts us both in an awkward position, but I do appreciate you coming to talk with me about it. If you would like me to, I could give Ava some forewarning that you would like to speak with her. I'll emphasize that it isn't in expectation of any apology or forgiveness. I can't say for certain if that will help, but it might avoid her feeling ambushed if she has some time to ready herself in advance."

Crabb snorts just a little bit of a laugh. Oh yeah, she heard. "Hm, yeah, point taken."

She slumps loosely against the back of the chair again. "That... might help some, yeah. I dunno, it ain't even exactly that I want to have to talk to her about this but if we don't then it's just... there. And I won't be able to just talk to her normally sometime without worrying about it."

At least Number 6 is over it enough to be self-deprecating now.

"It would be worse for all involved to let the tension linger. She is sensitive to that. But please, when you do speak with her, be very careful not to seem dismissive. I am not saying you necessarily would, but that I want that to be forefront in your mind when you listen to her. It takes great courage for her to speak up for herself, and she is especially tender to the idea that she won't be listened to."

"I'll be careful of it, yeah, don't worry. Ain't gonna pretend I'm some master of social graces but I can do that. Last thing I wanna do is make anyone feel dismissed, had enough of that myself over the years."

So very many people only seeing what they wanted to see, only hearing what they wanted to hear, so on, so forth. She can't promise not to mess up at all, but she can keep something like that in mind.

"I'm sorry you shared the experience." Sorry, but, unfortunately, not surprised.

"You already proved you could listen to me here and now. I think that bodes well. Would you like to get a drink and stay a spell, or take your leave?"

"Honestly a drink an' a sit down for a bit not worrying more about this sounds great right about now."

She'll even turn her chair the right way when she stands up to order a coffee, so she'll be sitting normally when she sits back down with it.

"Then please, by all means."

He will happily spend the rest of his tea discussing lighter topics with her, glad for the change and just as glad that there are no hard feelings between them.

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I can keep my mind intact [OPEN]

for 6, after the Erin & Ava incident

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End~