And I To Myself Am A Stranger [Closed]

[glassaxolotl]

Who: Dedue, Giles, Ossie, Erin
Where: Ossie’s cottage, Windjammer
What: Trial aftermath, Dedue making some apologies
When: Early January
CWs: Discussion of suicidal ideation, death, corpses



Dedue is still reeling from Darcy’s words. In that moment, he had realized how much of a hypocrite he was.

Everything he’d said about avenging the dead wasn’t really about that at all. It wasn’t even fully about Dimitri, was it? That didn’t explain the self-destructive actions, the need to push all the friends he’d made away. There’s a deep sense of unease in Dedue’s gut, and he stews more and more on it as he goes about his day. And the more he thinks, the more he realizes he knows exactly what he’d wanted in that moment.

From the second he’d seen Dimitri’s corpse, he’d wished it could be him instead. There was an emptiness that loomed on the horizon, and the only way to avoid facing it was to pursue a target with single-minded destruction. Because that is still all Dedue thinks his life is worth. If killing Skullduggery meant killing the entire crew, himself included, Dedue would have done it. He wanted to go to oblivion in a fight, knowing he had proven himself a useful weapon in the end.

That isn’t how the execution happened, but Ossie and Giles could sense this in him. They were right to be afraid, he now realizes.

Dedue had promised Dimitri that he would stop considering himself an object and start living as a person. That he would not throw his life away again. He has already failed.

He doesn’t want to be like this anymore.

And so, Dedue decides that he has some apologies to make.


Don’t Go To Bed With Strangers, Don’t Play With The Dead [Closed to Ossie and Giles]

There is a knock at Ossie’s cabin door. When the door is opened, Dedue bows low, hands on his thighs.

“I wish to apologize for my behavior at the trial. May I speak with the both of you?”


Always Keep Your Wits Sharp As An Axe Inside The Shed [Closed to Erin]

Dedue approaches Erin at Windjammer. She looks the way Dedue looked back at the start of the previous month. He doesn’t comment on it.

“May I sit with you?”

Comments

Windjammer

[crushed_pearls]

Erin is currently sorting a frankly worrying amount of mixed fruit candies of all varieties. She cleaves off a chunk of the pile and scoots it in front of another chair, gesturing for Dedue to sit.

"'s good to see you again. Sorry I haven't been around."

[glassaxolotl]

“It is fine. If you recall, I did something similar last month,” he says, sitting down.

“It is... difficult to see it happen to another friend though.”

A pause.

“I know you have already forgiven me. But I wish to apologize for my behavior during the investigation. I did not truly understand how cruel I was being until recently.”

[crushed_pearls]

"...I'm listening, but you're going to have to explain. Cruel to whom? How?"

It's a question with no edge. Either Erin is wearing her poker face or she's genuinely not sure what business is left to resolve here.

[glassaxolotl]

“I threw an axe at you,” Dedue says matter-of-factly. “And interrogated you over the death of a friend of yours without considering your reaction to it.”

He sighs. “In general, I reverted to a mindset that I am trying to cease. One where I am not a man but an extension of His Highness’ will - or rather, what I believed that to be. I was focused on a singular goal of vengeance and did not care whom I hurt to reach it, myself included.”

[crushed_pearls]

Erin nods. Sorts, idly, by touch; something to keep her hands busy while her attention is on Dedue. "I seem to recall you missed on purpose. You weren't so far gone as all that, but I appreciate the apology. He's your friend too. I'm not gonna hold your grief against you."

[glassaxolotl]

He did miss on purpose.
“Thank you,” he says. “Even so, I felt the apology was important.”

[crushed_pearls]

"It is." Erin pauses her work and props her cheek on her fist. "...Being your own man's a good goal, y'know. I know I'll rest a bit easier if you're at least planning your fights before you pick them, but...'s a big project."

[glassaxolotl]

“It is,” he sighs.

“I cannot continue the way I was living. I nearly lost my life over it. I do not regret the decisions I made on that day. But, for better or for worse, I have been given another chance. I do not want it to go to waste.”

[crushed_pearls]

Erin nods. "Got any idea on where you intend to start?"

[glassaxolotl]

“I think, developing my own friendships, independent of his,” he muses. “I had started doing so back at the monastery, and that was helping me to gain more confidence. But then I was separated from them, and I reverted back to focusing mostly on His Highness.”

He sighs. “I do not know if I will ever see them again. I do miss them sometimes.”

[crushed_pearls]

"Weird to say but I miss folks from my homeworld too." Erin's voice is distant, touched with a faint sense of wonder at herself. "Even Vickie for all that she hates my fucking guts. I didn't realize how much I was picking up from them until I got here without 'em."

[glassaxolotl]

“I agree. I did not realize how important they were to me until they were gone,” he says.

“Tell me about Vickie.”

[crushed_pearls]

"Well, speaking of Vickie that candy pile is yours. Be wary of any of 'em covered in dust, they're sour like an old miser. Delicious but it'll hurt."

Erin leans back in her chair. "...Vickie Reeds is a Darkling, someone whose master left a hole in her soul that can't be filled. She helped fight off my last client, and was there when Arthur decided to spare me. Didn't agree and still doesn't. Most folks know her as a lanky thing in love with knives, sharp and angry and deadly, but she's also deeply funny, fiercely loyal, loving in this aggressive way. Girl cooks whether you want her to or not, like some fucking were-grandma, and she's learning to play card games. Heads up the irregular combatants in New Avalon, makes sure they're trained and armed and ready to fight off people like I used to be if they come calling."

[glassaxolotl]

"You miss her but the two of you did not end things on amicable terms?"

He hesitantly takes a bite of the candy and then makes a sour face. "Too sweet," he grimaces.

[crushed_pearls]

"End, start, continue. Vickie Reeds hates me deeply and wishes every ill end fate can conceive on me. Can't blame her any more than I can blame you for not trusting me." Erin's expression goes wistful, and sad. "But she was bonded in friendship to Colors, who trusts me, and to others with more mixed opinions. Part of the community who took me in. She...Vickie values that. Push come to shove she'd fight to save my life and then, when I'm safe, only then, spit on me. I envy such commitment."

[glassaxolotl]

“Hm.” Dedue thinks, then adds, “That reminds me of some people I knew within the Blue Lions. Within battle, we worked well together, but outside of it...” He shakes his head.

“Colors is someone you would consider more of a friend?”

[crushed_pearls]

"...I love her." The admission is in such a small voice. Erin takes the entire sword off her back, sheath and all, and sets it on the table. She pulls about four inches from the sheath, revealing a spatha made entirely from stained glass, depicting great feats of the Aesir on its blade.

"This is Bifrost," Erin continues softly. "Colors used her to help give me back ownership of my body and soul. I dunno if she has feelings for me like I do for her, but...she treated me like a part of the community, when she didn't have to. And I won't ever forget that."

[glassaxolotl]

“She sounds very special to you,” Dedue says in a quiet voice, looking at the sword in awe. “I am sorry you cannot be with her right now.”

[crushed_pearls]

"I wouldn't wish this place on Colors, but...thank you." Erin sighs, runs her hand through her hair. "She had a bad time herself. Fell in with an evil king who exploited her loyalty. But Colors...she got out on her own. And I envy that."

[glassaxolotl]

“How did you get out?” he asks.

[crushed_pearls]

Erin's smile has no joy. "We hit lean times. Got desperate, and took a job we shouldn't have, which we didn't prepare for properly. Got our asses beat concave by a gentleman named Arthur, big guy, very thoughtful, and when he had me at his mercy, he begged me to be different instead of dead. I got lucky. I got help."

[glassaxolotl]

“So you were able to change because you had support?” he asks.

[crushed_pearls]

"Yes. But it started with Arthur seeing me as a fellow victim instead of a soulless monster." Erin looks away. "...I sure didn't see myself that way."

[glassaxolotl]

“You were continuing to do what you did because you believed it was all you were good for,” he says, half-question half-observation.

[crushed_pearls]

"Mmm..." Erin sighs and toys idly with a Jolly Rancher. "You're not wholly wrong, but no. It's all I thought anyone was good for, that I lived in a world of grasping vermin and I was just the biggest and the meanest of them all. Told myself if it wasn't me it'd be someone else, said they'd do the same to me, rejected love and kindness as crutches used to prop up the weak. Miserable way to live. I don't suggest it."