come_sailaway | i tried ( memshare event )

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i tried ( memshare event )

Who: clarke griffin & your poor unfortunate soul
What: memories, all alone in the moonlight
When: all of march
Where: wherever you least expect a rift in reality to open up. also space, mount weather, earth...
Warnings: general warnings for blood, violence, murder attempted or completed, genocide, maybe even gross body farming. specific prompts will have their individual warnings listed in the body of this post and any additional ones will be noted in subject headers.

CHILDHOOD ( open )
— enjoy the little things, like watching a kid commit the stupid crime of touching books. no warnings here.

SKYBOX ( karkat, number 6, & open )
— did you know clarke was in prison for a year for treason? conspiracy to commit treason? eh, best summed up as "to keep her quiet". well now you can find out! bonus points, she thinks she's hallucinating. cw: probably some dead dad/execution talk and mention of mild eugenics themes, this is dystopia space after all.

D(ropship) DAY ( rita & open )
— when 100 kids are pretty certain they're about to be prematurely executed, one or two's likely to fight back. abby griffin cameo! cw: see above warnings.

QUARANTINE ( darcy, palamedes, & open )
— witness clarke gone absolutely feral, and her first escape attempt from ~~body harvesters she doesn't know are body harvesters yet~~ mount weather. cw: some self harm, blood, violence, potential body horror depending on how the thread goes.

LEVERS ( open but requires plotting )
— join clarke in committing a genocide! cw: genocide!! (also mentions of torture and body farming) this can also partially serve as a cinematic experience for your character, but please respond with some sort of reaction just so i know who saw it.

AIRLOCK 5 ( semi-closed to natsuno, but hmu ooc if you're interested )
— no one likes being faced with their demons. but sometimes those demons set up creepy music boxes and lure you into watching your friends being murdered. cw: violence, attempted (or successful! threads of fate can be changed) murder

THE CITY OF LIGHT ( open )
— when you show an a.i. a picture of the greater metropolitan new york, but she cleans it up and also makes it a hivemind that you have to infiltrate. cw: violence, some creepy hivemind shit, will warn further for anything else.

AFTERMATH ( open )
— your all purpose aftermath wildcards! wanted a memory i mentioned in the plotting post but it didn't make the cut? still available upon request! request starters or throw up your own

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[Clarke is trying to shock him—and admittedly, it is a shocking litany of deaths. But Palamedes’ expression doesn’t flicker.]

No. I wasn’t. But your friends were there, just like they were there in Mount Weather. You don’t get to take all the blame yourself, Clarke. That’s far, far too simple. And the decisions one makes to survive are never simple.

( who we are and who we need to be to survive are two very different things.

she shakes her head aggressively against the bedcovers in an effort to rid her of the ghost of bellamy blake. and the thought of: when did i bear it so they don't have to actually become it's all my fault? was it when those same friends she'd done horrible things in order to protect start to look at her differently because of them? probably. and honestly, she tells herself, they were probably right.

and the only reason people here don't look at her in that exact same way is because she's never told them — with the exception of natsuno, who'd taken these same stories so easily she suspects he'd help her pull levers one day. but she's had a year of that pleasant ignorance from palamedes already, and now he really just needs to listen to her. )

That's not even everything. That's not even everyone, I — ( atom, caliban, carl emerson, finn. lexa — ) Do you want to know what they called me after that? After the Mountain?

[And after a year of pleasant ignorance, Clarke wants to bare her soul. What does she want from Palamedes in return? Condemnation? Absolution? Neither are quite what he can offer, not after having spent weeks watching horrors manifest on Mount Weather, and joining the delinquents in their fight for their lives, and standing in the control room while the options ticked down until only pull the lever was left.

Pal’s morality is steadfast, but not inflexible. What he saw in Mount Weather gnaws at him, but the decision irradiate its residents was not the worst of the terrible acts he witnessed, and it definitely isn’t one that Clarke is solely responsible for. Maybe the other atrocities were different, but based on the evidence given, he is skeptical.

But maybe that doesn’t matter. Maybe what Clarke needs has nothing to do with him. So Pal just keeps looking at her with his inquisitive grey eyes.]

Do you want to tell me?

No, I don't want to tell you. ( that came out pretty aggressively, which clarke recognizes almost instantly and tries to reign in. they're just talking, but her body is responding like they're building to a fight — what would be doomed to be a horribly one-sided, unsatisfying fight considering all pal's met her with is calm acknowledgement and gentle touches so far — and she doesn't want that, so.

quieter, with a forced air of rational calm that doesn't even begin to mask the earnestness in her tone: )

But we've known each other a while, Pal. We eat together, we scheme together, you fall asleep next to me sometimes. You're important to me. And I don't wanna — ( jeopardize that. but also not keep lying by omission. ) You deserve to know.

[Clarke's flashes of barely-contained anger get no reaction from Pal. He barely blinks, looking at her with the same calm sorrow.

It's probably very annoying.]

You don't owe me anything from your past, Clarke. But, since it is of such significance to you, then tell me.

( it's actually super fucking annoying, and she doesn't know what to do with it or how to take it, which just makes everything worse. it's quite possible that palamedes has one of the only hero complexes on board that rivals her own, and that apparently stretches all the way down to the point he feels he's owed nothing from the people around him. which, yanno, same hat over here, but clarke balks so aggressively once the shoe is on the other foot. he deserves everything.

it takes her a minute. mouth screwing up, eyebrows scrunching. gaze hard, but that special type of vulnerable where one could guess she's about two mean comments away from tearing up. this is hard, but hard things has long since become clarke's baseline and she eventually starts with a whisper. )

They called me Wanheda, the "Commander of Death". ( starts as a little, then becomes a lot. starts as a trickle, then evolves into a waterfall of words over lips. ) You know when we first met, at the information meeting? And I told you I thought the Captain had spoken to me through Gal Friday's mouth? He called me that too. He knew. It's probably why he bet on me for the Battle Royale.

I've killed so many people, Pal. ( and because she self flagelates enough to have kept a running count: ) 940 people. 941 if you include Pratt. 942 if you include what the revenant in my body did to Rita on Halloween night. And I never wanted to tell anyone, because I didn't want them to look at me differently. But now I don't understand why you're still looking at me like that.

( that. calm, accepting. active listening, no immediate judgement. why isn't he flinching away? where's the disgust? please, it'd at least be familiar. )

That’s a lot of people.

[Even Palamedes, who continues to watch her with quiet sadness, won’t pretend that it isn’t. And some part of him deep inside does cringe—he doesn’t like to think that someone he cares for so deeply has been responsible for so much death, or that she carries such a burden with her.]

But you are no Commander of Death, and the Captain, of all people, has no right to throw such a name in your face. I can’t speak for the circumstances of those other 561 people, but you didn’t single-handedly slaughter the people of Mount Weather. Any one of us would have pulled that lever. If you hadn’t been there, someone else still would have.

[A pause]

You couldn’t save them, Clarke. And that fucking sucks. But I’m looking at you like this because that’s not the same as killing them, and calling yourself their murderer will not bring them back.

( months ago, it almost broke her when she'd spelled out every high, low, and bloody part of her life to natsuno on a rooftop in the middle of the night. and here, curled atop the bed coverings with pal, everything just might finally snap. all the ways her friends looked at her back home — jasper condemning, murphy loathing, monty wary, octavia judging, bellamy hurt, abby shocked — why does palamedes just look sad? not even for the dead, but for her? a few tears finally break the barrier and gather along her waterline, spilling over the bridge of her nose and down to nest against the ear pressed to the blanket. )

I stood on a hill and said I wanted every single Mountain Man dead. I practically swore to it, tell me that's not premeditated murder.

( but she's mostly just talking to talk now. like scrambling at the stone walls of a room continually closing in on her from all sides — it's feeling like she may need to give up on this impulsive push to make pal hate her. )

I could have done something different. I didn't want to do any of it. ( i didn't want this, she'd told dante wallace just before shooting him through the heart. who we are and who we need to be to survive are very different things, bellamy had told her just after they'd tortured lincoln. clarke's throat seizes and her voice breaks. ) I don't — like what the world made me into, Pal. But you saw me in October with Jinx, I don't know how to do anything different.

Jinx murdered your best friend. It’s a perfectly reasonable circumstance to go off half-cocked.

And besides, you didn’t hurt her. If that was only because there were other people to stop you—well, that’s the point, isn’t it? None of us is one thing, Clarke. And none of us are alone.

[Clarke is trying to avoid his gaze, and he takes a moment to lock eyes with her.]

I hate what the world made you be. Wanheda [he says the word like it tastes badly in his mouth] If I thought it would do any good, I’d gladly cut a path through everyone who turned you into her. [A pause] and perhaps she will always be a part of you. But that isn’t all you are.

( grumble grumble something grumble, speaking of people that were with her when all that murderous intent showed it's ugly face: ) Mizuki would have eaten her if I asked.

( and god, in that moment how she'd wanted to take him up on the offer made within the first month the two of them had met. this thought also strikes against a painful cord though, because it's been so long since she'd thought about the blue haired boy and his desperate need for orders that sound like justice. longer still since she'd thought about the complex web that connected him, jinx, ebalon, and venti. now doesn't feel like the time, but it's just another ragged emotion wound that's barely stitched over into scar tissue. just like all the others...

palamedes will always have beautiful, indescribably grey eyes. and the way he promises doom on anyone and anything that hurts her will always be incredibly hot, but it bottoms out as just endearing right now — too caught up in her own self flagellation to enjoy the mental image of pal ripping out hearts and blowing up glass. but circumstances and no good choices aside, the only person who'd earned that awful, blood-soaked reputation is herself.

he's being too kind to her.

clarke sniffs loudly. tears still gather and fall, and now comes the snot that she diligently tries to restrain. )

Maybe not all that I am, but she still rules me, Pal. Especially here. I can't just go back to being a stupid little girl who dreams about homesteading on Earth. ( she does not remember the farmer's almanac yet. ) We were dropped on a ship that runs off death, and I've absolutely imagined dozens of ways to kill the people I've met in case it ever became a necessity. I'm still thinking like this is a time of war, while half the people here are acting like it's a peacetime.

I would have stopped you both, if it came to that.

[And Palamedes allows himself the briefest moment to mourn Mizuki, who was odd, and slightly insane, and somehow terribly sweet. Whatever his faults, and he had some particularly strange faults, he had been a friend. He certainly had not deserved the fate of being turned into fuel for the Captain’s magic.

He exhales quietly and, for a moment, closes his eyes.] I don’t like it, either. I wish you could be the girl who dreamed about homesteading [the tiniest flicker of a smile—does she remember?] but none of us can go back to the past. Not to our childhoods, or Mount Weather, or Canaan House. We can only accept what happened, and acknowledge our part in it. Feeling sorry for yourself won’t help. The people you killed don’t deserve that, and neither do the people you saved.

And as for the present—we are at war, no matter what some people say. Whatever battles we may have gone looking for in the past, we were forced into this one. [He cups her face.] We need warriors, Clarke. We need strategists, and healers, and diplomats, too. Thank goodness you happen to be all of that and more.

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i tried ( memshare event )

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cw: mizuki???? idk, cannibalism mention?

mizukiiiii