(open.) in spite of ourselves

[decrypter]

who: helena and others!
what: variety catchall for the month.
when: end of july/ all of august.
where: across the boat.
warnings: likely discussions of death.

Comments

[decrypter]

"You will have to point him out to me, if you see him. If I know him then, I will tell you. But I believe anyone here would understand - a quick death is a true mercy, when the alternative is extended suffering."

Bleeding out, or the agonized crawling when someone was feeling a bit too sadistic, or the slow build up of pain. There are many unpleasant routes to death.

"...Is it strange, if I say I'm glad for you?"

[moonlesstides]

~Why should it be? I learned what I wanted to, and I am glad of it, even if the journey there was...unpleasant. I will not make haste to die again, but as you have said, the ship must sail on. I am no god, but if I can help to grant your boon, I shall. Perhaps I might be fortunate enough that we run ashore in a place that will not see a monster when they look upon me.~

[decrypter]

"Do you think you are seen as a monster here?"

Here, where the definition of a person yields the word human as unnecessary.

[moonlesstides]

Grace doesn't answer out loud. She lets out a shaky breath, kept quiet as all the sounds of her murdered voice are, before she reaches out and taps Helena's far arm.

Hug? Is that okay?

Are we friends enough for that?

[decrypter]

She turns towards Grace, not fully understanding, but trying to. What is it? What does she need right now?

[moonlesstides]

~I. Would like to hug you. I have discovered hugs recently and they are. Good.~

[decrypter]

There's a heartbeat there, where Grace might think she's being rejected. That a hug is too far, too forward for her, that it can't be so.

But then Helena is turning more fully, and the hesitation in her movement, her arms, can be read more for what it is. She doesn't know how Grace wants to be held - if there are old wounds to avoid, if there's something she has to do. It's awkward, and it's strange, but she'll try - she'll try.

[moonlesstides]

Grace just kinda gently pulls Helena against herself, squeezing her arm in gratitude. Hugs are...they are very good.

~...I would have made you the same offer, if I'd found you. I was trying not to stray too far from a friend new to either of us, the man Yufei. He does not know how to swim but also does not seem to need to breathe.~

[decrypter]

"I would have had to refuse you. I had to make sure my death was something without mercy. You would have offered too much kindness."

Slowly, she moves to hug the other woman back, closing her arms around her. It's still strange, she can't deny that, to freely embrace her. But touch grounds, touch allows one to know where they are. And Grace needs to know she's here, not there.

[moonlesstides]

~...Kindness...but it would have failed to support you. And yet, if I gave you what you needed, would we still be friends now?~

[decrypter]

"Could you have done it? Truly hunted me, as the ship was falling apart?"

Struck that terror and agitation into her heart again, while they both knew they were doomed.

[moonlesstides]

~...No. Not without certain vows first, but also...that arena favored me greatly. There would have been no time for a proper hunt, and nearly nothing at stake. Who would you protect? What objectives could you achieve or be denied? If you are to ask me for what the Manor offered, in sacrifice to our new home, there must be something on the line. Our dread penalties were once enough, but they are gone, and never more.~

[decrypter]

"Then you see why I would have had to refuse you. You could not give me what I needed. I had to die in misery, Grace, and I did."

She exhales slowly, gently putting her head on the fish woman's shoulder.

[moonlesstides]

~It would be a miserable thing for me, to kill you again here in this place where my liberation is promised. But if you ask...if you ask, I will answer. On the condition that it is you who tells others of the request. I can only hope you understand this.~

Grace's gaze drifts down. ~Jack is a good frog. He does not complain of being hugged tight and greets the world with much joy.~

[decrypter]

"Like my rabbits," she murmurs, feeling where the plush is squished between them from the hug. They didn't ask for more from her than to be held, and their softness brings her happiness.

"...I promise you, I will only ask you to kill me if I have no other way to bring the grief I need to. And I will tell those who asked that it was my choice, my responsibility. They can't fault you if it is my decision."

[moonlesstides]

~Not wholly your decision. The length of our new chains stretches to the right of refusal, but perhaps it will be easier for them to bear if it is known that we are of one mind. I will not go back to that wretched Manor, Helena. I would go finally and completely mad to feel its shackles again.~

[decrypter]

"We will not go back."

She says it with the utter certainty she feels, the one that tells her that the other Helena has not been broken yet.

"I know, I fear it too. But then I remind myself, we cannot. It is impossible. And it is a comfort to remember it every time."

[moonlesstides]

Grace's weight shifts slightly; she's turning to look at Helena. ~Impossible...I do not doubt the truth of your words, but how?~

[decrypter]

"You were not told? Our condition here is a rather unique one."

She pauses, and decides to go for the simplest explanation.

"You know we've been summoned here by a great power, yes?"

[moonlesstides]

Silence.

And then, in an extremely sheepish tone: ~I can only blame my exhaustion for the fact that I just nodded as if you can see me.~

[decrypter]

"It's okay. My point is that this power has not transplanted us from where we were, but rather offered a second path to our souls at a point in time. There is a you that is in the Manor, the same as I, the same as we were. And then there is the you that is here, on the Serena Eterna."

She pulls back so she can raise up her hand and illustrate as she speaks. Her first two fingers held tight together, and then separating as a V when she speaks of the second self. Like a tree that splits into two trunks.

"You are both real. You are both Grace. But you can't be in the same place at the same time. The Grace you are, here, cannot return there."

[moonlesstides]

~...I see. Arrangements will need to be made, I suspect. If this ship does have a destination, if freedom from its long chains is truly possible, I will not rest until the minds behind that Manor are wrenched from their skulls and crushed. If we cannot attend to our own vengeance then others will be needed to intercede.~

[decrypter]

"And what if the Manor doesn't exist, when we get to that destination? It may only exist in a realm we can no longer touch, a realm I wouldn't send my worst enemy into." She shakes her head. "The point is, Grace, DeRoss will never touch us again."

[moonlesstides]

~Unacceptable. The you there is my friend, my very first, and the me there...I must be my own friend as well. The Baron dies screaming, crucified in his own putrid halls while the Manor burns. I will abide nothing less.~

[decrypter]

"Don't cut the corn in spring. We don't even know if someone could get there again. That's a puzzle to solve when we reach our destination."

She shifts her hold on Grace, to rest a little better.

"The you and me that are still there, we are still friends. However long they have to keep striving. And he will never have his chains on us again, because we have others who will make sure of it."