come_sailaway | You saw my pain, washed out in the rain (OPEN)

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You saw my pain, washed out in the rain (OPEN)

Who: Arilanna Tayrey and YOU!
Where: The infirmary
When: Early October
What: Visit her! Or visit the infirmary for another reason and notice her.
Warnings: Head injury and its consequences, discussion of violence, possession, and the ethics of torture.
Notes: Also works as a catch-all for later threads when she's better!

1. But you saw no fault, no cracks in my heart

[This is what it takes to get Lieutenant Tayrey to actually rest. A nasty head injury with concussion. She's been in and out of consciousness for days, and while she's out of danger now, she's staying put. This is new territory; while the infirmary is well-supplied and Doctor Watson is very competent, the resources here don't compare to the advanced technology of the Tradelines. Her genetic enhancements protect her, mean that she heals quickly, but she can't tell just how long it might take - and given what she witnessed on her visits to Earth's past, she's very worried about infection.

That and function, although she's held off on running cognitive tests on herself just yet, in case the medicines she's taking have some side-effects. (She needn't worry, Cardalek genetics are more impressive than even Miri Carrington realised, and she'll be fine.)

Now, however, she's well enough to sit up in bed, her head bandaged. Despite everything, she's still wearing her Tradeline jacket. It keeps her warm, and it's a comfort, and now that she's feeling a little better, she's once again concerned with the impression she's giving. It's her intention to stay as cheerful as she can, not complain about the pain or the unfairness of the situation. Physical injury was always a hazard of her job, and she'd been taking a risk by trying to use Harvey for her own purposes.

When a visitor arrives, she might be sipping a mug of Cardalek coffee, or trying to braid her hair to keep it neat and away from the bandages, or watching a comforting old episode of For the Company on her slate computer. Using the computer for work isn't advisable yet, but holovids are no trouble.]

2. So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light

[Wildcard! For anything else. PM or

MillisaK if you'd like to discuss ideas.]

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[Tayrey clings to her for that moment, knowing she needs that physical support, grateful for it.] Concussion. I'm told it'll ease off. Don't know when. I'd better sit. [So she does, on the edge of the bed, slowly.]

I don't begrudge anyone happiness if their homeworld was worse than this. How could I? But for me - if I were happy here, it would mean my absolute defeat. That my mind had been broken beyond repair by the torture and the horrors and the twisted psychological manipulations. So that the person I was and the values I held no longer existed. [She takes a deep breath.] Klaus never understood that. That when he said he wanted me to be happy here and stop trying to escape I heard I want you utterly broken because I'd like you better that way - and what it meant to hear that from a friend, especially.

[She shrugs.] Now I'm... a burnt out power cell, in a lot of ways. Damaged. But I'm still me. Liberty is still my highest value.

I understand something else about you now. I knew your personal circumstances were awful, but not that your entire universe was... that it had a tyrant worse than our captor. The worst we had out my way was pirates - and don't misunderstand, the things pirates would do if they got their hands on a Tradeline officer would chill most people's blood. But it would end. They'd get bored and kill you, or you'd be smart and find a way to destroy the whole ship, and however it ended, they couldn't bring you back to hurt you more. So being here? It has always been worse than my worst nightmare.

[She pauses, thinks for a moment, rubs at her eyes.] Something else I've got to tell you. I was trained for leadership, not that I got to do much of it before... all this. If I ordered someone else to torture people because I didn't have the stomach to do it myself, that wouldn't make me any better than the torturer. It wouldn't mean my hands were clean. I'd be as liable as they were, just - more of a coward, with it. But regardless of how it came about, if you've got a way to leave, you should take it! I presume you can't take the lot of us, but if you can, take Peter and go. There isn't a person here who would begrudge you that.

[she sits next to Ari this time, close so that she may lean against her if she prefers.]

I'm not saying his hands are clean, just that even he's having a harder time carrying through with it. I'm not saying that he's not a coward. Because he is a coward, he's terrified. Despite the title he took on... He never wanted to be a leader, in charge of anything. He just wanted to escape the abuse of others being in charge of him. That's what led to the circumstances of Sparkles existing at all, removing that part of his memory, his soul.

But that's why he's so incapable of making even these basic decisions for himself. He only ever fulfilled the whims of his masters. Even now, I'm afraid his wishes for a future are because of Skulduggery and my own influences, talking to him about how maybe there's something better out there that's worth risking for. Reasons worth living.

And I... no, that's not quite what I meant. What he gave me wasn't directly the ability to leave. But a way to survive without deteriorating if I do. ... And he wouldn't have given me such a thing, if he didn't think that maybe it would be possible for us to do so. Right?

[Although she stays close, Tayrey doesn't lean against Ava. She can't take that comfort from her, as if she were Chernova or Montero back home, because Ava is not her shipmate. Ava hears Tayrey's raw honesty and all she does is speak with sympathy about her torturer.

At least she's not blind to all of his faults.] I've known for a long time that he was a coward. Not any kind of leader. Calling himself a captain was ludicrous, I figured that out once I realised he was scared to have a conversation with a freshly-qualified spacer lieutenant in case she managed to trap him in contract. [Then there was the debacle with Skulduggery. More cowardice. And yet he still had people - his prisoners - calling him their captain. Which Ari Tayrey will never understand.]

Being controlled and abused himself doesn't justify controlling and abusing thousands of other people. He created Sparkles, that poor child, and immediately trapped and tormented it. Reasons for living? He deserves death. Nothing more.

[This last she says with the calm surety of one who has seen criminals executed for far, far less.]

Of course it's possible to leave. Jenny is proof of that, and the island that people visited before I was brought here, and that... fat king with the skeleton horses. Now you have a way to leave safely too. I'm glad of that. [Tayrey is staring straight ahead, her expression thoughtful.] So you know - I think he deserves to die, but killing him isn't my objective. Freedom is. Getting back home, away from him and out of his control. Anything else is secondary.

[it's not intended as an expression of sympathy to convince Ari of anything, just details meant to fill in the why of it all. to Ava it's a crucial component of understanding a situation, to know how to fix things, is to know what caused the problems in the first place. which has made her sympathetic, yes, but she doesn't expect that from Tayrey in return.]

I've known he was a coward too. He hides away in his room, and I've been inside it. All of the power he has and he just sits in there on an old lumpy couch with messy stacks of books and movies. There's no grand schemes. Just somebody that's given up and doesn't know how to move on or forward. He'd probably agree he deserves death instead of a happy ending.

When Sparkles was up there on the roof, threatening us all. While you were talking to it. I was up there, trying to wake the Captain to deal with his mess. And he was faking it, faking being asleep. Ready to die and for it all to just end, because he couldn't bring himself to even confront that part of himself he cast away. I had to wake Fio instead. [a distressed, frustrated sigh]

I'm not saying it justifies. Or trying to invalidate you, say you should feel less than you do about what's happened to you. To the people we've lost. I'm just saying we're suffering the consequences of somebody that's a tragic result of power abuse, and I don't want to solve that with going right back to the same. Because I grew up similar to how he did. Because one of my best friends was created to serve humans without will. And I value freedom too. That's why I was always an advocate for freeing Sparkles, despite the risks. Because I thought dismantling this system was necessary.

... But that blubbering fat king isn't proof of anything. He's just as trapped as any of us.

[She turns her head to look at Ava, slowly.] That day. People were celebrating being back on this ship instead of in Sparkles' realm. I was devastated. I'd wanted to die. I'd wanted to be anywhere but back here. That's why I could talk to Sparkles. Because Sparkles felt that way too. That same pain, that same desperate wish to be free of a tyrant's control no matter what it cost. Sparkles lashed out at innocent people, because Sparkles is a child who didn't know any better. I knew better. I stepped up when I had to. I convinced Sparkles to have hope for freedom. Convinced myself to keep going. It might have been the biggest mistake I ever made, but I won't know that, not until my life here ends, one way or another. [Freedom or eternal torture. No wonder she'd wanted to give up and die.]

Stopping him - it's not abuse. It's justice. If asking him politely to set us free was enough, people would have done that long ago and we wouldn't be here. It wasn't. So we have to look at other measures. Whatever works. Whatever stops all the torture and gives us our freedom.

[She shakes her head.] I didn't meet that king. But the existence of his realm, as I understand it, tells us two things. Firstly it's additional proof that we can travel between universes, and secondly it shows that if our captor offers us freedom, says we've done enough to merit it, it'll be a damned lie and we'll just end up trapped and tortured somewhere else. That his word can never be trusted.

Wanting desperately to die, I've been there too. I did kill myself, buried myself alive back before we knew we'd be revived, thinking it was my only escape. I woke up devastated at realizing I was trapped. When I lost the first person here I loved, I spent weeks embedding myself into these walls, hoping for the ship to swallow me whole because I felt like I couldn't go on and that being nothing would be better than being so absolutely miserable.

It's how we feel when we can't see a way forward. When we're at our lowest moments, we make choices that hurt ourselves and everyone around us. You weren't wrong to have hope and offer that to Sparkles, Lieutenant. If everything ended there, all of our collective hope and efforts would be lost, meaningless. But we. Are. Not. Meaningless. We deserve this chance to make things right, for our lives not to end there at the worst of it. To define our existence as our own and not just some unfortunate blip. The Erda brought us here, because we're touched by fate. And I do truly believe we're going to accomplish what nobody else before us managed.

Keep going isn't a mistake. You're so strong, and you will not break.

Stopping the Captain is crucial. [for his own good, for all of theirs. he's awful at this, set himself up for failure that doesn't only impact him, but everyone that falls into this realm. she would have stayed here as long as necessary, by his side. but she feels it her responsibility as his friend to get him away from this self-imposed prison. she feels it her responsibility to make sure as many can be saved as possible before this place consumes them all.] But I'm not willing to put him into the hands of somebody that will control him. That's a line I cannot personally cross. [for moral and personal loyalty reasons. she can't stomach the thought of it.]

I don't think those realms are entirely separate universes. They serve as secondary energy supply to this one. If this place collapses, I think all those do too because they must be under the same barrier as this one or else they'd have been discovered by the reality auditors. I don't know what we do about however many of those are out there. All the people within them. If they did something to earn those realms, are they even worth saving? Or victims that did what was necessary to survive? Are they too far gone? I really do not know. That's why I keep going. I'm trying to understand.

[She's silent for a minute, considering. Her fingers curl inwards, to her palms, and then relax again.]

You and I have the same objective. Very different tactics, but the same objective. I don't think the difference is bad, on an operational level. [On a personal level? Absolutely. But she can be practical about it.] It doesn't matter whose plan succeeds as long as one of them does.

As for all those people in other realms, whatever they are? We save them if we can. If it's practicable. Only sometimes you can't save everyone, and you have to save the people you can, else you risk losing everyone. [Another Tradeline lesson.]

[Tayrey pauses again.] I am very sorry that you felt that same despair. I know that it doesn't help a bit to say so, but I want you to know that I hear you. That I understand it hasn't been easy for you. You made it look easy, sometimes. Now I know different. [In those early days she'd have thrown herself into the water in an instant if not for the knowledge that she'd just be brought back. She's not certain that she still wouldn't.]

And you're right, we're not meaningless. We're not beings created for torture and suffering, we're people with lives and hopes and ambitions. I don't believe in fate. I do know probability, and probability says that of all the Arilanna Tayreys in all possible universes, I got dealt a really shitty hand right here. I'm nobody special. I ran a department through second shift on a little frontier-run starship. That means nothing on a grand scale. I can't undo the kidnapping, or anything that came after, but I can fight to be free of all this. To pick up the pieces of my old life, the life I built for myself, and try to make the best of it through my own efforts. To not let all this horror defeat me.

[She's not so much trying to convince Ava as herself. But at least she's trying.]

But. Who else am I supposed to turn to, when everyone else has shut me out? [what does it say to her that the Captain seems more interested in what she has to say than most anyone here? that a man that barely cares about much at all gives her more consideration. that her calls for working together have fallen on deaf ears again and again, that nobody wants to hear all the information she tirelessly collected over a year and a half?]

It's... [her voice wavers slightly.] it's never been easy. You just don't see it, because I hide in my room most of the time. Or stay invisible when I'm not feeling up to talking. I know most here avoid me because of my associations. And I'm not the easiest to get along with. But I do have people that take care of me. That does make it easier. That's why my life is better here, because of the people that have helped me realize I can be better than what I came from. And I do spend every day terrified I'm going to lose them too. [including the Captain. not only because her life is now tied to his survival.]

I'm not special either. In the grand scheme of things I'm entirely insignificant, and that's okay. [it fucked her head up too much when people were trying to convince her she was important, powerful. she knows better, she can't have that delusion clouding her mind, can't have those expectations set her up for failure over and over. her self worth is fragile enough, it can't survive so many falls.] But we still exist, and this moment is ours to do with what we can. It's not over yet, there's no defeat until then.

[Is it wrong that she hadn't noticed how much Ava hid away, that she'd taken it for ordinary introversion and a desire for privacy? Maybe. But Tayrey has spent the majority of her own time in her cabin for months now. She rarely socialises. She never goes on the excursions. If not for her regular patrols she'd hardly come out at all.]

Who else could you turn to? Those people who care for you. Your husband. Anyone but the man who holds us captive and tortures us. [She's aware that she keeps repeating it, because she can't not, because befriending the false captain really is unfathomable to her.]

[(It might not have been, if once he'd spoken fairly to a frightened young Tradeliner when she went to his door ready to negotiate as she would with a real captain, instead of showing her only cruelty and disrespect - but neither of them can change what they are.)]

You and I... I see so much terrible mirroring. You came here from a life of control and unhappiness, and the people here uplifted you. I came here from a place of freedom and purpose, and the people here tried to tear me down. [No, not all of them. But there's very little overlap between her old friends here and her political allies, and that puts her in a lonely position.] No wonder we see it differently. I thought my closest friend was Crichton, and now I don't even know how long I'd been talking to Harvey instead.

[For a given value of friendship. Tayrey always knew she'd leave them all behind to return to her people. She doesn't feel close to anyone now, not after she's looked upon so many deaths with indifference.] You're right that it's not over, and that I'll make every moment count by working hard, just as soon as I'm well enough for it. [She sighs.] You're not difficult to like, Agent Starr. In other circumstances we'd get along just fine, I'm sure of it. [She just can't be good friends with someone who is that close to the person who completely ruined her life.]

I do rely on my husband. His judgment. He knows how I feel, why it's important to me to pursue this path. And he knows that at any time he believes I've become too compromised, he can ask me to stop. And I will. He's not so endeared to the Captain either. Peter is much like you. Values autonomy and freedom above all, has a lot of pride. He died trying to escape this place before. And I respected his efforts, where others mocked his failure.

And sometimes I worry that maybe my influence has led him astray, that I've asked him to compromise too much on the values he stands for, that I love him for. I asked him to trust me, my methods. And I know how wrong it all seems. To sympathize in a hostage situation.

But I'm a spy, Lieutenant. My primary method has always been uncovering more information, the truth. Right and wrong is so twisted up in my head, the things I've been forced to do, justified. That's why I care so much about the why of it all, so I'm fully informed in the choices I make. Yet I still make so many mistakes, and I'm sorry if I ever tore you down. Or made you feel invalidated. And I'm sorry somebody you trusted... did this to you.

You rest. Gather your strength back up. And I'll bring you a latte tomorrow.

His attempt to escape was the most courageous thing anyone on this ship has done. It's truly despicable that he was mocked for it. [She'd said as much to him, when she'd witnessed it.] I admire him very much for those efforts.

[Tayrey doesn't say the rest of what she's thinking. That Peter can't properly judge where Ava is compromised because he's compromised himself, on account of his feelings for her. She can be happy for them as people and still realise that Peter's values have been skewed by it. It's vindication of Tradeline custom, isn't it? Attachments like that will cloud an officer's judgement.

No. No personal criticism. She'll come at it another way instead.]

Gathering information is a sound objective in our situation. I once thought Citizen Skulduggery was making a sacrifice, you know. That he did what he did for information - or perhaps even only to try to save himself, and that might not be noble but it's wholly understandable in a situation like this. But he denied that, quite vehemently, and so I don't understand him at all.

[For good or for ill, Arilanna Tayrey does not have the Earther term Stockholm Syndrome in her vocabulary. Else she'd be using it quite liberally - and probably feel less angry with them all.]

It's... easier than it was, for me. In that way. More people seem to believe it's possible to get out somehow, so they aren't so invested in trying to convince me I never will. And I realised it doesn't matter so much. I don't need everyone behind me. I can work on my own if I have to. I'll get home, or I'll die trying. [She gives Ava a weak smile.] Thank you for coming to see me. Even if you didn't really intend to. I'd really like that latte tomorrow. [A pause, as she slowly pushes herself to her feet to return to her bed.] Safe skies, Agent Starr.

I admire him more than anyone I know. His stubborn dedication to his principles. But I love him too, more than anything, and that... makes me selfish. I want him to survive, for us to make it together... it's not just myself I have to consider anymore. And with my condition... it made plans to escape complicated, he promised not to leave without me.

[that means more to her than escape itself. she refuses to view it as a weakness, when he's the reason she has been able to remain so strong. he keeps her from getting lost, losing sight of what she's fighting for. he's why all the pain is worth it.]

I know it's difficult feeling as if nobody else believes you capable, that you're delusional or wasting your efforts. [because she's certainly been on the receiving end of it, a lot.] But. After Sparkles was freed, the containers smashed. People saw that this place can be changed, taken apart... that our actions can make a difference.

That's all I tried to get anyone to see. [there's an influence they collectively have, that she's never quite managed to convince much of anyone of. that this place operates somehow on beliefs and will, that the Erda fulfills. that changing their ways of thinking in order to tap into that power... but she can't quite prove it, can she, when she can't make any visible difference herself.]

I came to get something to help me sleep. Through the nightmares. [something strong. she needs the sleep. she's back on her feet, digging through the cabinets.]

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You saw my pain, washed out in the rain (OPEN)

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