come_sailaway | Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light [OTA]

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Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light [OTA]

Who: Natsuno Yuuki and YOU
When: September, before the beach event
Where: All around
What: Weird stuff from home, trashy movies as coping mechanism, looking for distractions and retail therapy.
Warnings: None yet, but discussion of canon events may contain death, violence and suicide. Will update as needed

Take a look, it's in a book (All around)

[Natsuno tries not to think about Sotoba. He always hated that miserable village, and now he's dead and Sotoba burned to the ground. Lately he has to try harder, ever since running into some familiar zombies, but his repression game is still going strong... until he visits the library one day and finds a copy of Shiki by Seishin Muroi.

Seishin Muroi, Sotoba's junior monk. Natsuno had all but forgotten about him, but apparently he was so involved with the shiki invasion he wrote the freaking book.

As it turns out though, the book doesn't seem to have anything to do with the demise of Sotoba. Apparently it's the story of Cain and Abel, except Abel is a zombie? No plot, just Cain's internal monologue? What the hell is this philosophical bullshit? Whether he's out on the deck, eating in the buffet, sprawled on a couch in Sand Dollars or sitting in the lounge, Natsuno always has the book with him, always wearing an incredulous frown as he reads. He may even flag someone down to ask their opinion - THAT'S how weirded out he is.]

Why would a book try to make me feel bad for someone who kills his brother and doesn't even know why?

[Or maybe you run into him after he tosses the book aside and asks:]

What's the dumbest twist ending you've ever seen?

To the late night, double feature, picture show (Pool deck)

[A seemingly empty package from sundries has brought on a steady stream of new and conflicting memories. Every day another memory worms into his mind, of things he didn't remember or remembered differently. Are these the memories of another Natsuno, or something that was taken from him and returned just now? He doesn't know and it's eating away at him.

Movies provide a brief but welcome distraction. Natsuno has a small collection, received in a much nicer package, and he's taken over the adult pool screen to play them. He's camped in a pool chair, watching movie after movie: Little Shop of Horrors, Young Frankenstein, Ginger Snaps, Chopping Mall, Leprechaun.

Care to join him? Or maybe you just want to tell him to knock it off.]

Don't feel those feelings, hold them in instead (All around)

[Movies end, and reading is too passive to distract him from the new memories and the tangled mess of emotion and existential dread. Natsuno has to find other ways to destress:

A. The arcade, where he moves from game to another, unable to focus on one for too long. He even tries the whack-a-mole, until he accidentally breaks the machine with a supernaturally-charged, frustrated blow. The claw machine gets smashed as well, on purpose this time, as he picks up a portable tetris.

B. The sports deck, where he sets up a ping-pong table against the rail and lines it up with various items from the shops for target practice. Maybe shooting things will make him feel better?

C. Do some retail therapy, which in Natsuno's case means picking up anything he can use as in improvised weapon. He has more than enough knives in his cabin, not to mention a gun and a flamethrower, but at this point it's become a weird coping mechanism. Catch him going back and forth from the cabins, picking up EpiPens from the infirmary, rocks from the spa and dumbbells from the gym, just to name a few.]

The wildcard option

[Got anything else in mind? Hit me! Available in

sillysymphony or sillysymphony#3435 @ discord for plotting]

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Natsuno, why did you decide to read this book? Everyone has a reason, be it a favorite author, or being bored, or even curious how the story will unfold.

( she knows she doesn't have to be, but she still is. as close as she is with her feelings, as much as she cares about others it's something that can't be helped.

though, that doesn't mean she can't assist in what he's looking for. a way to understand, or is cain a lost cause in this story for him from start to finish? )

This isn't a story, but some people have to be involved to understand, to just be there. I watched a priestess dismember her brother and throw the body parts out to sea... her father collected every piece to give him a proper funeral.

( she remembers the creaking of the boat, the splash of the limbs hitting the sea as the waves swallowed every piece. this memory feels recent, as if it only happened moments ago. )

Do you think she wasn't allowed to be sad?

...the author is from the village I used to live in. I thought maybe it's about something that happened there.

[Other than the word "shiki", though, it doesn't seem related. The younger brother rose from the grave, but rather than sucking the blood of the living, he only trailed silently after his murderer.

The story Pollux tells is brutal, but maybe that's just the way of gods.]

Everyone's allowed to feel anything. You can't control what others feel. But no one's obliged to give sympathy for those feelings. [...] Why did she do it?

( pollux grows silent as she thinks about the book in particular. one from his hometown, and it's almost terrifying knowing that personal belongings can one day appear. even to hear that he was raised in a village is new, a piece of natsuno that she hasn't heard before that she feels happy about learning through she wishes it wasn't under these circumstances. )

Is that so.

( then there's the story, one that pollux recounts every moment of her life. honestly, the entire voyage remains well remembered in her heart. )

She did it for love, but she didn't choose to feel that way.

( what could she do, what was there to do when you cause a rift by betraying your country when not wanting to betray her heart. how everything was forced because aphrodite did everything but stay her hand.

there's a small frown as she looks down to the floor. )

You don't have to care, it's true. But maybe because I knew of someone in a similar circumstance, and knowing that they had little choice is why I do... I believe losing anyone to be a horrible experience... especially when they're unable to come back.

I've seen people come back, in the village. It just made things worse for everyone.

[To be shiki was a cursed existence. Natsuno's daywalking and strength were extremely rare - most of them could only walk around at night, reanimated corpses who were suffered an agonizingly painful hunger if they didn't drink people's blood. Coexistence with humans turned impossible and it ended in slaughter.

Even here, on the ship, revival brought a different pain. He could see his friends again... knowing he could keep losing them and see them suffer over and over for the captain's entertainment.

No, the dead should stay dead.]

...I don't understand your story. Even if she didn't choose to fall in love, she still chose to do that to her brother. Why did she go to these length?

I can tell from how you speak that it was horrible, as I can only imagine. As we do live in different worlds...

( he doesn't have to tell her in full, but her father, zeus was with nasty habits of keeping people alive through acts of torture. prometheus who stole fire was chained down, and had his liver devoured by a bird every single day for the organ would grow back. yes, in that situation, death seems as sweet as any, but that sacrifice amounted to helping others.

she closes her hands together, finally to raise her gaze at the other. )

She had to protect the person she loved by any means necessary. That was her fate. Think of it as a story that was already written. Does it not make you sad knowing that her choices will only lead her to the same end?

( if they forget about what she did, and what cain had did to his brother. if they think of a third party rather that's invisible, intangible then who would fit that role? )

It makes me annoyed.

[He wants to say he doesn't believe in fate, that it's just an excuse for people who refuse to accept the consequences of their actions. What's the point of living if everything is already decided?

Still, her words leave a bitter aftertaste that holds him back from saying it out loud. Because there was another him who did make different choices and met the same end.

He told Tohru: Somehow I'd always known I'll never escape this village. Natsuno said to comfort him, to tell him he was fine with dying, but now it almost sounds grotesque.]

So what, no one should take responsibility for their actions because it's their "fate"?

( annoyed is close to anger, split between sadness and frustration, it's almost close enough she thinks knowing that he feels something; but anger shouldn't drive him solely. )

I see. ( her voice is a bit hushed as she looks at the book in his hand before facing him properly. )

How would you want them to take responsibility if the pain and sadness by their own actions isn't enough?

( what would be enough to natsuno to make him feel satisfied that they suffered enough. through the loss, the suffering, and being unable to control their fate... what more should they be burdened with. if her thoughts aren't promising, she doesn't mind hearing out his own. she won't judge him, no, she watches him with a patient expression, waiting to speak after he does.

she'll acknowledge his thoughts and opinions. )

Pay for what they've done. In a way that means something to the people they wronged.

[Some shiki were tormented by their own existence. They hated being abandoned by society, by sunlight and god. Some of them felt remorse for every life they've taken, but their wish to live was stronger and so they existed in agony.

It didn't matter. Whether they were cruel or hurting, they should've died. Even Tohru. Even Natsuno himself. He interfered with their plans, made sure the living slaughtered them all and then took his own life.]

You said the priestess' father collected the pieces to give his son a proper funeral. Did he get any justice? Why should he care how sad she was after going through something like that?

( natsuno's heart must be black pit, one that devours and destroys rather than a home that accepts and loves. whatever has happened to him before here has placed a nasty scar on his heart, sensitive as it is, his words are almost laced with poison as he speaks. though part of her knows he isn't just what he shows himself, he can't be just pain and anger, he must know that in the dark tunnel that all he needs is a light to guide his way.

it reminds her of castor, one that has been subjected to the darkness of the world and drowns in his own personal hell. that's why he acts brave, tougher than the people around him, and even closes himself off from others, but just when push comes to shove he's the type of person to give. they're probably the same in that regard, and why pollux keeps herself here conversing with the other.

if only they knew there was more than just pain and suffering and pain and suffering. why in this world must individuals suffer more when they've already lost, what more is there to take other than their lives? if natsuno was a god, he would be creative, probably give them a lasting punishment. )

I never said anything about his feelings, Natsuno. I know that I feel sad for them, he doesn't have to be. I assume by them being family, to lose them both, and that being his daughter despite what happened must have hurt him, too.

( would a father grow furious only? no, he must have been upset, distressed, frustrated, and other mixture of emotions that even pollux couldn't name. )

Not everything must be filled with just anger, if you were in his shoes, what would you have done?

( justice... such a word has been sullied by humans. what is justice other than pain done to another? she keeps silent though, her eyes trained on the other. )

[Natsuno is quiet for a while, thinking about it. He does consider what she said.

He doesn't know how it feels to lose a child - two children, all at once. His own father lost his mind after seeing his son die and rise. Poor dad, who romanticized village life while thinking himself better than the villagers, who lost everything and had no one to blame but his own actions...]

...I would be filled with anger. But also regret. [He remembers Mr. Mutou over his son's coffin: "It's a terrible shame. I feel so pathetic and frustrated."] I'd hate anyone who did that to me, but - I don't think I could take it out on her. Maybe on the person she loved and did it for. Or whoever wrote her "fate."

( his words at this moment are a salve, it both heals and comforts when she hears him. it's difficult when it's their own family that they lose, the pain that's suffered when involved unlike a third party weighs on their hearts differently. she will always be her father's daughter, and so will the deceased remain his son, but would he want to take the life of his child when he's already lost one? how much pain must they suffer?

his answer eases pollux's heart, proud of his choice. it's not that she was disappointed, but it takes courage to look through another lens. she is amused by the end... to go after her lover, or the god that forced that fate upon her.

how endearing.

it's a step in the right direction, but she wouldn't want to push so much as a smile pulls along her face. )

That is a lovely answer, Natsuno.

( now is that the choice that the father chose? well, she's thoughtful for a moment, humming softly before looking at the book in natsuno's hand. )

How about I recommend you a book as well, it's only fair that you told me about this one. And maybe... we can finish reading the rest of this one together?

( she tilts her head at the book he has. )

[He frowns a little when she compliments his answer. She's a goddess and all, but she still shouldn't patronize him...!]

...fine. Maybe you can figure out what the author's trying to say.

[Natsuno sets the open book down on the table, an invitation to sit and read.]

And I'll read your book next.

[Divine twins, patrons of sailors. He'd like to learn more about them.]

( can she not be happy with a different outcome! isn't this what this is about...!!

pollux follows his lead, sitting down at the table while reaching for the book. she's curious as to what's the name of it before checking the author, she'll have to keep the name in mind when she searches for other books written by them. )

I'll do my best, I'm interested in what comes after the part you read to me.

( as the other brother mourned. does this mean natsuno is no longer frustrated with this book, or the character that's suffering this loss? there's other factors now that natsuno can think about. )

I'd recommend the Iliad which is wonderful epic... but how about Jason and the Argonauts? ( pollux speaks fondly of both, so it's not as if one is better than the other. ) The twists and turns may come to shock you.

I'll try the second one then.

[She's welcome to stay as he reads through Shiki by Seishin Muroi. Perhaps there are more of his books in the library, six novels and two collections of short stories.

The older brother is exiled from the sacred hill to wander the wasteland. His beloved younger brother was his only connection to the world, and without him he's hated and cursed by all. The older brother desperately try to understand why he killed the younger, to no avail. To make things worse, the younger brother rises from the ground every night to follow him, and goes back to his grave every sunrise. He's a "shiki" now, a "corpse-demon." The younger brother says nothing, only trails silently after his murderer to stare at him with empty eyes.

Until one day, the shiki finally speaks:

"Thank you. The truth is that I hated the sacred hill. You've set me free, brother. I'm glad to have been killed by you."

Then the younger brother disappears, even though it's still night time. Natsuno scowls at the paragraph, and reads out loud:]

"He called for his brother out loud for the first time. Then he remembered that name belonged to him - he never had a younger brother. The younger brother was born from his despair, and due to this despair he killed them both."

[...]

Seriously?

( she gives no response on his decision, only watching natsuno for a moment. had he chosen the iliad, then he could have learned the wrath of the greek hero achilles, infused with anger within the trojan war. yet, natsuno had picked jason and the argonauts, the same story that she had been speaking about in terms of medea's feelings, and the loss on the way. she can hear the creaking of the argo, the saltwater air along with the birds that cries in the sky as they went across the ocean.

pollux wonders what he'll think by the end of it. everyone's actions that lead up to the climax was taken into account.

there's no use worrying as she scoots closer next to him in her chair, but makes sure not to bump shoulders again. reading the book with him does cause her to frown every so often, as the story progresses. she takes in the terms that are used and thinks to ask nastuno about them until the end comes, and her concerns fall to the end. it's a plot twist, causing their previous conversation to almost not have any meaning anymore.

almost, but there's still a connection, there's always a connection.

catching his expression for the moment, she can tell the other isn't too fond.

uncomfortable, the expression on her face has fell as she seems to be saddened by the outcome. whereas natsuno is unimpressed, pollux finds herself placing her hands on her thighs, fingers curling into fists. his nails dig into the palm of her hand, eyes downcast as she thinks of her brother—the single connection that she has to humans, as her love for humans comes from him, who used to be a human... if anything happened to him, she knows that her connection would be severed with what she loves.

she's heard about it from her previous master, the things that the lostbelt pollux had said and done, and the thought makes her sick to her stomach.

that's what would happen to her, to them... she doesn't like it.

but then something changes. The last part of the story. she looks up, and her eyes owlish and glassy but the sadness has receded from her heart, waves rolling back into the sea. this time it feels personal as her expression changes, this time her brows furrowed in confusion, as she seems a bit doubtful. )

It's awful! What did he do to the Gods to have that happen to him…

( this doesn’t happen for no reason, oh no, he must have done something to have this happen to himself; as that person is the only one who can tip the scales, causing it to go out of alignment. )

[Their previous conversation isn't meaningless. She's given Natsuno a lot to think about, both good and bad, and Natsuno will spend the near future glumly contemplate fate and the meaning of choices.

He's both confused and annoyed by the twist ending - what do you WANT, Seishin Muroi - but Pollux seems to take it to heart. Natsuno sees the sadness on her face, the way her hands tighten into fists. Why is she upset? Maybe it's another empathy thing, this time about siblings. He's an only child, after all.]

Sounds like he made up a brother because it was easier than dealing with something about himself. [How much of a freak you need to be that an imagined murdered brother is easier to handle than reality?] So if the gods did that to him, isn't it some twisted kindness?

Is that really a kindness?

( her voice louder this time from the hushed tone she had prior, and she speaks with certainty as she migrates away from her more perplexed feelings on the matter. she couldn't call that kind because at the end of the day, he never truly realized the extent of his actions and instead placed the blame on someone else that was never there. if she had to think of it as anything, it would be unfortunate for the person who was suffering by the god's hands. a higher entity would always do what's worse towards a human to make them suffer more than they could impossibly imagine, and that in itself is one of the many ways. )

It's cruel. To believe from the start that he had grown with his brother, and then killed him... only to find out he never shared that loving bond at all, and grieved that he lost him.

( seishin muroi's works must leave a lasting impression, or maybe there's something more he wanted the reader to understand from this. they're unable to ask him directly, and he probably didn't leave a tidbit at the end that starts with word from the author:. instead they're left with their own takes and scenarios, building and reconstructing. )

Do you remember the photos that you took from me when we had first met, those were people you cared about wasn't it? If you woke up tomorrow learning everything you've done was for nothing, how would you feel?

Awful.

[He doesn't need to think about it this time. The battle royale was already for nothing, slaughter for the sake of slaughter. If it turned out that it was all some - elaborate illusion or prank, that the people he's grown to care about and mourned for never really existed...

Natsuno doesn't want to think about it. "Awful" sums it up.]

But in the end, didn't he get what he wanted? The younger brother was some part of himself he wanted to get rid of, right? He was conflicted about it, but eventually he admits he hated the hill. He wanted to leave it.

( awful would be the word for him? pollux would be devastated if everything she had went through was for nothing. so far here, she believes she could wake up and accept it a dream, but for the people that she met and the pain that they suffered; to realize people like natsuno were put through hell to only not exist. she'd feel as though she failed an apparition, failed him even though he wasn't real in the first place.

she doesn't want to forget him, or lose him either. pollux doesn't want to lose a connection with anyone really when here on this cruise she wants to help save them; as a patron, that's her job. )

At the cost of himself, his "brother" and what kept him attached to the world.

( what did he get other than losing everything? she couldn't imagine a world like that where she looked and her brother was just a burden on her, a piece of herself that she wanted to get rid of. perhaps that's why she can't see the good of escaping this hill where he realizes that he himself have suffered for no reason. )

Couldn't he have left it any other way, why did it have to be... in that manner? It's painful.

Apparently it was a cost he was willing to pay.

[Where Pollux is angry and hurt over Cain's fate, Natsuno feels that he understands it a little better now. Didn't Natsuno give up his connection to the world to destroy the shiki? Didn't he leave his father all alone, didn't he get Kaori and Akira out of the village only to turn around and walk to his death?

Didn't he sacrifice Tohru?]

If he hated it so much that he had to pretend the part who belonged there was a different person, I guess he couldn't have had. People will do anything to be free.

Edited 2022-09-12 17:29 (UTC)

( her gaze downcast as she stares at the table now, and whole she does her best to not let her feelings get the best of her like this; sometimes it is worth it to listen to someone else's thoughts too. she knows that the story is meant to tell them that sacrificing his loved ones was for the betterment of his end, and if he stayed that way it was only a delusional way of living. it's still horrible to lose someone like that in spite of yourself, bit to lose someone you love in general... if only the approach had showed itself towards the beginning than the end so it wouldn't feel so hopeless. )

If this is a story about freedom, does it really excuse letting go of his other half?

( as it's not something she can come to terms with easily, considering her own other half who is part of her... they make up one person, and though castor's actions and personality are different from her own; she'd never let him go. he's an avenger, a class that born of hatred speak of love, it'd only be a matter of time until love would seep past his lips overflowing.

the same could be said for that person in this story. )

That was still someone he cared for, and while we do learn it's part of himself... couldn't he have kept and grew with it? Eventually they could have left together...

It doesn't excuse anything.

[Maybe Natsuno is still taking the story too literally, but the protagonist did believe he murdered his own brother for no reason. Someone who's capable of that, even in his secret heart of hearts, isn't a person Natsuno can accept.

No, a person like that is a coward. If you need to make tough choices to get what you want, the least you can do is acknowledge reality.]

But I think if he could have accepted that part of himself, this story would never happen. Leaving together would mean there will always be something binding him to that hill no matter how far he traveled.

That's true, if he did accept himself, he could have been with everyone and his brother.

( then why must he die at the end, along with his brother? why must fate take both of them and not one? it's always been cruel, yes, a horrible outcome when a person disrespects the gods. )

The moment he realized that he had no one but himself was the moment he died... It's upsetting, he was stronger when he had someone.

( she feels as though she should ask what the hill symbolizes from how the other talks about it, it sounds terrifying in a way. a place where he felt trapped, but to wander the wasteland with his brother not alive anymore, almost like the undead... it doesn't sound so horrible as the book made it out to be, only because at least there was someone, a loved one. he had him even then until... )

But he didn't see it that way. He thought that bond was a weakness.

[You still have some people you care about, Tatsumi had said right before Tohru attacked him the first time. That's why you won't run away or let this go. Tatsumi was scum, but he was right about that - those few people were the reason he stayed in Sotoba and tried to fight. And it was love for Tohru that made him gave up the fight, because he was fine with letting the hated village become his grave if it meant Tohru would survive...

He doesn't regret any of it, even if cutting these ties would have given him less pain.]

It's horrible, Natsuno.

( she leans back in her chair, her eyes looking now at the table as a small frown pulls at her features. she won't cry, no, but she's heartbroken if she's to be honest about it. with a shaky exhale, she clears her throat afterwards while placing her hands against her lap, fingers curling into her palm. )

That bond gave him everything. Love, happiness, sadness and pain... To share that with someone is a strength, to have others is never a weakness.

( it's not as though that bond was a burden. ) Humans, beasts, and gods are all the same, they need someone.

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Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light [OTA]

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cw: suicide mention

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cw: suicide mention

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sorry this is so late!

looks at the date, looks away... we are right on time