come_sailaway

(maybe it's just a concidence the two of them would bump into each other like this. after all, it's not as if this boat is like the clothing store that goes on forever. maybe that should be a suggestion she should make to the captain one day. or maybe the next time she wishes to hide, she'll just conceal in the clothing store.

that's an idea she'll put in the memory box, for sure. looking over to pollux, she grants her a nonchalant shrug then sticks her nose back in her book.)

Do whatever you want.

Then I'll remain here.

( as much as her brother may loathe it, as long as he doesn't acknowledge their conversation then they can speak. she'll find a place to sit that's close enough, not too close to jinx, but not too far away so that they can hear one another's comments. pollux crosses her legs, settles her hands on her lap as she looks at the book she seems to be entranced with. before, she was aware she wasn't much of one for books, but it only takes so long to know the intricate patterns on the front. )

You've been using it?

Yep. (she's being so short with her and it's definitely not fair. it's her brother she is mostly anger over and not her. with an inner sigh, jinx tries to be a little nicer.) — I wrote a song and drew a lil'. Nothing beyond that...

(the next page should really start of like an autobiography and not some... random whatevers.)

Will you tell me about the song?

( she could ask to see the pictures, but that would mean coming close. people need their space, don't they? especially humans, but she doubts jinx is the type to truly want that. unfortunately, it seems to be the safest bet for her to keep her irritation down. pollux can't pat and coddle, nor can she laugh and smile, instead she only seems curious as she looks at the book from where she is.

what stories could the song have? )

It's about everything, sorta. About me, my life before this, the people here. So it's just a mix of it put into one. I can... sing it if you want?

(she would say the lyrics are a little rough. however castor literally called her a "bitch" so it can't be any rougher than that. and who would had thought someone else would call her that beyond darcy? )

( at the library she did ask to know the contents, and saying anything opposite of that would cause an issue. even if her heart cries out in pain from the display shown to her a couple of days ago, she won't show contempt, but she'll still listen like she always has. a hand settles on her lap, nails lightly pick at her clothes, or what a person could even call clothes as she stares out into the sea, but offers jinx a sidelong glance. )

That would be nice, ( now her fingers lace together, ) I didn't know you could sing.

( maybe it's something she picked up from venti, he is a man filled with love for the classics or just music in general. a hymn or a tune, just anything that offers a melody seems to put him in high spirits, so maybe the same goes for her. )

I'm ready when you are.

Heh, it's not somethin' I go braggin' about.

(with a sigh to let out all of her nerves, jinx sets the book beside her and shuts her eyes. it's better to sing out these words if she doesn't look at pollux or just imagine herself being alone.)

♪ I was the one who wanted nothin'
I was the one who lived in pain
I was the one who strived for nothin'
I was the one who stood in rain. ♪

(jinx rehearsed this song a few times -- muttering quietly while scribbling it down alone. but now singing this with her full voice in volume, it hits within her core a lot differently. she finds herself tightening the grip of her shorts as she sits. memories flutter of her childhood float by of herself struggling behind her sister and her adopted brothers.

whenever they climbed on buildings or try to sneak along the cities, young jinx always needed assistance or tripping over herself. her brothers' annoying expressions of what a "hang-on" she is and her bigger sister, being supportive, but also looking tired of helping her.)

('she made a mistake.', 'name the one time she hasn't.', 'she's young!', 'don't bullshit me. you're twice the person and half her age.', 'you know what, mylo? you're right. there's a bunch of things that powder just can't do.' )

♪ I feel like I'm no good, I should run away
I feel like failure's one step ahead of me. ♪

(and maybe if it wasn't for piltover, the city above hers, things wouldn't be the way it was back then. if that city would just listen to their cries when they were suffering and treated them like people and not insects, she wouldn't needed to prove so hard how she could be useful if they went to war. it's all their fault everything went so horribly wrong with her former life. they were the reason why her real parents died, why her adopted family died, why her sister abandoned her and chose piltover, why ekko turned against her, and why... why silco, her third father, died.)

♪ Fuck all the people with their money and their nice lives
Fuck all the people in their mansions with their bright skies
Fuck all the people sitting pretty with their sane minds
Fuck, think I'm becoming a monster of my story. ♪

(and then she thinks about her life on this ship. it started off so lovely back then. there was a point in time she thought of this as a restart of herself. that maybe her life would be so much easier with no one being aware of her background. just a complete fresh start.

and it started off that way until a point. although things seem to be okay between her and venti, she still thinks back when they kissed and wished it was something she could take back. that kiss had such a big domino effect for so many unfortunate events that followed after. jinx finds herself pondering late at night sometimes of "what could had been" or "what ifs". she tries not to dwell on it but... it's hard not to. she should be thrilled they worked it out and she is. but... if she just kept her lips and feelings to herself, none of that wouldn't had happened in the first place.

a classic "jinxing shit up" motion.)

♪ I am the one that's holding grudges
I am the one that lives in pain
I am the one who's out of touch
and I am the one inflicting pain. ♪

♪ I feel like I'm no good, I should run away
I feel like failure's one step ahead of me. ♪

♪ Fuck all the people with their money and their nice lives
Fuck all the people in their mansions with their bright skies
Fuck all the people sitting pretty with their sane minds
Fuck, think I'm becoming a monster of my story. ♪

(with a worn-out sigh, jinx loosens her grip on her clothing and ducks her head down.)

♪ And I've been the bad guy for so long, I'm growing tired ♪

(because throughout her life on this boat, she tries her damnest to be nice to others -- to behave correctly. but somehow it never falls in her favor. although, she should know by now it never will. she is an omen; a walking bad luck charm.)

♪Is it too damn late to twist the plot to turn it around? ♪

(answer? yes. it's waaaay too late. she can't erase all the blood on her hands and all the harm she caused. some intentional -- well-deserved and some entirely on accident. this is her role since birth. maybe the reason she enjoys mayhem and instantly falls in love with wrecking havoc is because that is her purpose of her existence. some people were just meant to harm others and the world. because without those people, there won't be a balance. and when will she stop fighting against her true calling?)

Edited 2022-09-25 17:14 (UTC)

I don't understand.

( she listened to it all, she memorized the song the second the other finished. she can recall every verse word for word, an excellent memory at the moment. she can hear pain, the worry, the defeat, but all it does is frustrate pollux's heart. it's because she's too understanding, she's too empathetic, and had she lived without caring for humans perhaps this wouldn't hurt her as much. why did she have to love the way that she does? how can she listen to this song and still feel herself not able to connect to to a feeling that would be preferrable. pollux can run this song through her mind over and over, but a frown settles on her face regardless. )

You sing beautifully, and tell me words of sorrow... but why? For what reason do you sing of a desire of change, but fall into the same rhythm of pain?

( yes, it may be obvious why she says these things from what she saw, especially from how jinx sounds so tired of it. then why does it eat away at her and cause her to act? they've spoken a little before, and she knew that jinx is a troubled girl; one that's fragile and finds the world difficult because she herself is hurt, enough to hurt others, and the domino effect of pain is administered through her through them and to her.

isn't hypocritical to sing a song like this after everything? she can't excuse her actions so that's probably why pollux finds difficulty. )

Do you even want to change, Jinx?

(for a split moment, a brief second, her face hardens over her words. it's not in anger but dullness and numb. but in a blink of an eye, she smiles to pollux -- her typical cheeky and impish one she wears for just about everyone as she uses props her elbow to her knee. with her cheek resting on her hand, she hums a little tune.)

Hmmm... Hmmm... ♪ — Change. That's somethin' I've been doin' for as long as I can remember. Shoooulld I be this way or should I be that way? Even when I change, the roots are the same underneath the soil. ... Poetic, right?

'Sides, you can't go against the nature of things. Whether I dream of being somethin' else, a Jinx is a Jinx. But y'know, my old man would say "Jinx is perfect." Soooo maybe I'm not the real problem. It's everyone else who won't accept me for me. They are the reason why I feel the way I feel, sometimes. So maybe they oughta change.

Edited 2022-09-25 20:19 (UTC)

Then who are you, Jinx?

( that's a question that should be answered too, who do she want to be, because at this point pollux can't tell from how she carries herself from left to right. the world and it's people are always changing, even she changes at a drop of a hat if it's good enough for her. pollux glances down at her legs, unsure for a moment until her thoughts thread together in the direction she wishes to take this. )

Are you the girl who laid in my lap in the library, or are you the girl that can't control her emotions and act out towards others when you spoke to my brother? ...Or the girl who'll run away afraid of the consequences? ...Maybe it's the young girl who waved sheepishly after praying? "Jinx is perfect," but which Jinx is the one I should acknowledge?

( she wouldn't know if jinx has been changing for a long time, or if she's even tried. it's true that she wants people to like her, and that she wants to stop hurting the people around her, but what change is she taking that she has to act out with her fangs bared. she remains silent for a moment, now with her eyes glancing up at the sky, it's a beautiful sight from this position— she used to stare down at white and blue, a bit of green when she slept among the stars. )

Why fight fire with fire if you believe they need to change?

Who am I? But if I give away who I am, then where's the fun of gettin' to know me?

(the impish grin is still in place then leaning in to pollux to evade her personal space like she did with castor. her pinks lock with her blues -- searching softly yet intensely, too.)

But if you gotta know... Jinx is all of that. A loose cannon is what they call me.

( she reaches to toys gently along her locks with her fingertips before flicking it over pollux's shoulder.)

By the way, I didn't act out. I was completely calm and in control when talkin' to your brother. Thiiiiink you're mixin' up the story on what happened. Wanna recap?

( her eyes are a cloudy-grey storm, one that can't decide whether to erupt with lightening, or just pass the shore of jinx's attempts. yet, her gaze remains trained on her, no fear evident as she's an age old god, she's not bothered by the idea of someone being this close, nor is she worried for what may happen. she likes to think jinx is a smart girl, full of mistakes, but she should know fights. )

Do you like being a loose cannon? ( she exhales slowly, remaining calm as always, her heart rarely fills with anger, but there's this spark in her soul. she won't blow for it to grow stronger, so for the moment, she waits for the heat to die. ) You don't need others to define you. You say they call you a monster, do you go by that too because they say so? Why do you believe in their cruel remarks than the ones that try to help you.

( a pause. she becomes more expressionless at her words, calm and in control. no, that doesn't seem right. )

You lost control, Jinx. Was antagonizing my brother while I was gone "calm and in control"? Was searching for a way to push him for a reaction also that? Don't ever make that mistake again. ( these words come out without judgement, rather, they're facts that jinx can answer herself. pollux finds that sparing any feelings will only be a waste, especially when the other wishes to look down on them. to come into her face in a manner without any respect, to treat her as if she's some toy to be played with. what is pollux meant to give to that? nothing. )

If you were calm, you wouldn't have made those choices that led to what happened. I know his heart, I know the spines that protrude through that organ, but his heart is still there, just like you have difficulties with others, he as well. You of all people should have understood, been able to give him patience... and what did you give to the person I trusted you with?

Wreckin' havoc, destruction, and blowin' things up is my thing, Sweet Cheeks. The Loose Cannon is one of the best nicknames anyone can give me. And newsflash? Half of the ship can't stand me. So not seein' where this "help" you're gettin' at. (...) 'Sides you and a few others that I can count on one hand.

(she pulls back to give the two of them space again but this time, she lies on the wooden deck. jinx folds her arms behind her head to use as a pillow while swaying her feet from side to side.)

By the way, that almost sounds tempting and a challenge I oughta take ya up on. But if you thought that was me losin' control, what would you call me attachin' a grenade to someone's back? Oooooor pullin' a gun to someone's face? — But of course, I'll give him patience while I get none in return. Sounds fair. If he keeps his pretty mouth shut, I might just do that.

(jinx looks over with a wiggle of an eyebrow.)

How's that for a deal?

Is that how you respond with just more destruction, and here I thought you wanted to stop hurting people. All you've told me is that you want to lose the people who wish to help you, that you want to be given up on.

( pollux stands, her eyes glancing down at jinx though it's not meant to threaten her; pollux has no reason to fight a child. she's always been fond of children, and this temper tantrum is no different. she doesn't like the threats towards her brother, though, and she does her best to keep herself from speaking out of turn. a hand comes to her chest, resting over her heart where she offers a silent prayer that her brother keeps her calm. )

Jinx, your actions are futile, and will lead you to the failure.

( perhaps she's accepted that there's no other path, but it's the one she actively chooses. even now with these scenarios, pollux can only shrug her shoulders as though it doesn't hurt her. all it does is hurt jinx, she's the one who will break down, and soon that bomb will explode in her face. she might not live from it. )

He gave you patience, and you could have dismissed his words like he did yours. You pushed, and pushed, and pushed when he never moved in your direction to hurt you on purpose. His words were tame, there was never a threat in your direction now was there?

You've got it aaaalll wrong, Sister.

(while pollux stands, jinx stays put where she is -- feet still swaying along except now she is glancing up at the (fake) sky.)

I don't wanna hurt the people I care about. The people who are important to me. (there's a nonchalant shrug of her shoulder.) — Random people on the street can evaporate along with my burnin' buildings. They don't know me and I don't know them. So I care very lil' and I know they don't care for me. Especially if they are an Enforcer. They're bonuses.

(but her words cause her frown, though. and here she thought pollux was the nicer between the two. well, she is but only half as far as jinx is concerned. she slowly shakes her head and quietly scoffs -- it's almost funny to her, really.)

So whaddya want from me, huh? That when he calls me "pathetic" and making me feel so small and worthless, I'm suppose to just grit my teeth and smile? Have him walk aaalll over me 'cuz he's God and he can do whatever the hell he wants? And suppose to just... accept it and bow down to someone who probably thinks I'd be better off in a gutter somewhere.

(she turns her head to the side to peer up to her; tone low and shallow.)

Is that what you want from me? What comes next after that, Pollux? Take away my freedom? Strip away my independence that I worked so hard to get from the Topsiders?

No, that's horrible. Allowing people who've done nothing to you to perish in the crossfire is just as bad as hurting the people you care for, they could become people that you wish happiness for. It's thoughts like these that'll consume you, and it's those thoughts you should ignore.

( oh, pollux is nice, but she has what people call boundaries, she knows when to cut a conversation when it goes too far— she can think of others while also thinking about herself. there's no reason to allow the other to just walk all over her because she feels as though her anger will solve all her problems. it's not right, and it's not good for her, but what does jinx know? if it doesn't sound good to her, then she doesn't care... she should really hear more people out, even if it's different from her beliefs already. )

I have no idea what those words mean, but you aren't small and worthless, you're supposed to make something of yourself. Even now as you disrespect my brother, and even my help, I do not allow it to pull me down. All it does is make me hope the best for you, that you'll be able to see where this attitude of yours will bring you to ruin.

( even pollux can see that, jinx will keep thinning out the people around here until she has no one, but pollux is a kind god. she looks over every person that exists on this boat wanting the best for them, and she happens to be one of them. )

I don't want to see you collapse on yourself, Jinx. But I won't have you threaten my brother who never tried to harm you like you wanted to do him. You could have looked to me for guidance at any time, or even ignored him.

( topsiders, enforcers, like she says... she doesn't know what any of that means. even now, she shakes her head a bit disappointed in this logic. )

I don't want your freedom, neither does my brother. We want to see you accomplish your desires, I only want what's best for humans. It's why I've watched over you all with my brother for ages. I want you to live, but not with dread hanging onto your shoulders, I want you to live as an inspiration of someone who doesn't let their pain win.

I tried to ignore him, remember? You said so yourself that ignorin' him meant ingorin' you 'cuz the two of you are one or whatever. — Sooooo... that option wasn't on the table for me. I was forced to listen to his bullshit.

(another scoff as she just rolls over; her back facing her -- lying there now in a fetal position.)

If you're expectin' me to apologize to him, forget it. — Not when I deserve one, too. He came up to us being such a sourpuss. I was nice in the beginning. ... But I feel like I'm wastin' my breath explaining it to you. You're just gonna choose his side anyway...

What I meant is: I wanted you to not dismiss the things that could have potentially let you understand one another.

( it's the fact she didn't want them to miss a chance at forming a relationship; a friendship, just a connection. she had suggested something for them, and in return jinx had wanted to ignore him despite castor didn't say wouldn't teach her. for all his talk, he would never close himself off completely where there's a chance to get to know him because he knows that pollux would be disheartened by it. there was a chance for all of them, and yet...

as long as they could do something together, even if there was bickering, that was all she wanted, and castor would have went along with it. it is disappointing that they couldn't. )

I never asked for an apology, Jinx. ( that wasn't why she brought up this conversation. ) It's your choice to see me as an enemy, but what I'm trying to say is that I want to believe in you.

( kneeling down beside her, she knows this position very well, but all she can offer is her company. her hands settle on her knees, looking at her from behind. )

Ugh. Everyone keeps sayin' that to me. "I want to believe in you" — (she says this in a slight nasally mocking tone.) Give up on me, already. I'm too far gone.

(the famous words of caitlyn kiramman. and yet somehow who is still breathing on this boat. but jinx is keeping her alive because... honestly, she isn't sure quite yet. maybe it has something to do with her sister or maybe it'll upset venti and she doesn't want to upset him? or upset both him and her sister? could it be certain people on this boat is weakening her? she isn't sure but this tug of war that's constant going on in her mind is very exhausting.

every time she believes she finally got rid of "powder" for good, people seem to bring her back from the dead. how annoyingly complicated.)

...

( to look down on someone with pity, her heart weeps for humans because she loves them so, and the same could be said here. how difficult it is for her to believe the words of others, but every response sounds as though she's given up. she doesn't want to think that jinx is some terrible being, nor how venti made her out is someone of pure destruction— she's killed jenny, she's killed a god.

...

to describe someone like that who thinks so warmly of you, pollux could never. )

Is that what you want? We, the Dioscuri, are that of guidance. When you ask us a question, we assist by walking the same path as you to the answer. Is this the path you have decided for us?

( she won't fight against it if that's how it must be, she doesn't force people to be their follower. they do as they please, and the dioscuri assist when they must. )

... What I want is Silco. He is the only one who makes any sense to me. But he'll never be here...

(and it's there her voice becomes uneven and cracked. idly, she grabs onto one of her braids and holds it close since she has nothing else to grasp onto, really.)

I don't know what path I want for either of you.

That's outside the realm of what I'm capable of.

( there's no way for her to summon that person, and if she was capable she wouldn't dare hope for someone to come to a place like this. )

For now, you must cherish what you have, like the individuals on this boat. It takes just a connection for them to mean something... It was what I wanted for you and my brother, I wanted you both to have more and not less.

( but she will not beg for it, as it seems decisions have already been made. )

... Right.

(the word comes out in a mumble as she tries to curl more into herself except it's pretty impossible to do. with slight anxiousness, jinx tugs more onto her braid as she squeezes her eyes shut. the unwanted buzzing of voices trying to chime in -- giving her all sorts of suggestions on what she should do, say, or react. they're overlapping one another again and it's hard to make out what any are saying. )

Can I just... think about it? — I need time. Your brother wasn't the only one who got hurt that day, y'know.

Edited 2022-09-27 05:03 (UTC)

You have all the time in the world.

( there's no rush, never any rush, and even her words don't fall on deaf ears. )

You did well at the start, as it did fall apart... I was happy with your intentions when we were all together.

( sure, all she's heard is pollux comment about what she didn't like when it did happen, but she can point out what did make her happy. that the other didn't do everything wrong, that there was a moment where there was peace and harmony.

though there's one thing she can't allow. )

Let's go, Jinx. I'll walk you to your room, you'll get sick if you stay out in this weather.

(she almost protested out of spite -- to just lie here for several more hours. but then maybe it'd be better for her to go to her cabin so that way she can just scream, cry, and trash the room in peace. then perhaps afterwards contact ekko or rin to be with her for the rest of the night until she falls asleep. if she can fall asleep, that is. her nightmares seem to worsen since the excursion; waking up in sweats. but she is luckily to have rin or ekko to bring her back to the reality.

getting up to her feet, jinx keeps her head low to avoid any glances to pollux -- arms wrapping around her frame as she walks on. the emotion within her is really building steadily and her mind with constant thoughts of "i can't wait to break something, i want to break the tv, i want to break the window. tv first, then the window, then everything else". she wants to pick up the pace so she can get to it faster but she tries not to show her eagerness.

'you should focus on your gadgetry. take some time.'

once again, silco hums in her ears and this time, she won't argue like she had before when he suggested this. tomorrow first thing, she will grab all of her tools, find an exclusive area, and just... work. maybe if she just surround herself with all of her things and away from everyone, she'll feel better.

jinx always preferred inanimate objects than people, anyway. and maybe jinx will even tug her rocket launcher, fishbones, during her work to keep her company. hopefully, he'll have his own stories of his life by now he can blab on about. jinx would rather listen to him than dealing with her all of her thoughts and feelings.)

Edited 2022-09-27 06:22 (UTC)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)