[Thanks to Pal, Natsuno is not completely clueless as he makes his way back to cabin 109. He's already bracing himself for the fallout - a futile attempt, as he can't being to imagine how thoroughly he's about to be obliterated - but at least he's under no illusion this will end quietly. He can smell Jade inside, so Natsuno pauses with his hand over the handle and takes a deep breath before letting himself in.
The silence is heavy, the tension is palpable and Jade's acidic opening strike is almost physically painful. Natsuno is sorely tempted to look away from those red eyes, but forces himself to meet Jade's gaze. He deserves this, the least he can do is suck it up and face the consequences of his reckless stupidity.
He closes the door and leans against it.]
Yes, [He says quietly.] I met Palamedes.
[So no need to catch him up, just let him have it.]
Oh, good, so you're entirely up to speed. I'm sure he had nothing but delighted words for you, after the lovely day of investigation you gave him yesterday.
[Unfortunately for Natsuno, it would seem that acidic opening strike was just that--an opening. In one sense it's probably been quite awhile since Jade has addressed him in a fashion anywhere near this. At the very beginning they'd swapped a fair number of decent verbal barbs, certainly, unwilling roommates adjusting to each others' prickly habits...
But this may still parse as a new variety altogether, now. A sarcasm that borders on venom, without an ounce of humor, instead fueled by some yet-identified but thoroughly bitter thing, barely restrained. ...Jade knows, he knows it's not necessary or productive--that Pal surely must have given Natsuno quite the verbal lashing already, that there will doubtless be even worse to come from his other friends as well. But somehow these thoughts, too, only further feed into this...helplessly angry thing, in his heart, that he's been trying to smother for hours on end. This thing that had started smoldering all over again anyway, the moment that message from Natsuno had arrived. This thing that truly flares up anew, now that he's here, and leaning against the door so tiredly and speaking so quietly, as if he has even an inkling of what he's done--
(There is relief, too, somewhere in there. It's harder to find right now, though...maybe because it hurts just as much as the anger, at this point...)]
Well then, don't just stand there, hm? Come in, why don't you? Have a seat there, where you always do. Pick up one of your books, put on some of your music. [The sardonic lilt in Jade's tone is frighteningly even, alongside the utterly humorless smile that accompanies it--a sight somehow even worse than the blankness of his expression earlier, perhaps--as Jade gestures idly at Natsuno's bed.] It's not too late, you know. You can still go about your day as if nothing of any issue happened at all. I could even pretend alongside you, out of the endless generosity of my heart! After all...that's what you wanted to happen anyway, now isn't it?
[He's had far too much time to think on it all, you know. Even if they'd never managed to acquire a definitive answer from Jinx...they'd certainly examined the scene of death thoroughly enough. Palamedes' assessments can't be denied. Jinx didn't enter the closet until after the explosion--nobody else entered that closet until after the explosion. ...Except for Natsuno himself.
Which really only leaves one possible answer after that, doesn't it? How he got in there with that bomb, in the first place--]
[Jade could have conjured up his spear, hurled it through his heart wrapped in lightning, and it still would hurt less than this. Natsuno doesn't flinch, but each sardonic sentence makes something knot itself tighter in his chest, thorny and ugly. He never thought a verbal lashing from an adult could hurt so much, never thought he could regret disappointing someone like this. He didn't even feel this way when his -
No, he's not thinking that. The thing inside him twists so much it's harder to breath.]
Yes, [He admits again in the same quiet tone, not moving from the door.] no one was supposed to know.
[He doesn't mean to sass out or act defiant. Natsuno sounds resigned more than anything; knowing that nothing he can say will make it better, so he might as well tell the honest truth.]
I'd rather we didn't pretend now. [Another honest answer, perhaps even wishing the awful, scathing sarcasm will make way for plain anger.] Do you want to hear what I have to say?
so glad to finally be getting mileage outta these icons at last
[Natsuno doesn't move from the door--of course he doesn't--and the hand that had been pointing towards the bed drops, as Jade folds his arms once more. He'd been half-expecting some form of defiance in return, perhaps, but...in the end it's still not so surprising, when nothing of the sort comes. When Natsuno remains quiet and resigned where he's standing. Though it's clear enough by the look on his face that the sarcasm's at least doing a decent job of striking some chord or another...
(...Used to be, some vindictive satisfaction could have been readily derived, from a reaction like this. Not the first time Jade's ever verbally torn someone open--and he'd never had any reservations about doing it those countless times before, not really. Yet here, the sight of his words landing sharply...does nothing at all, really, to alleviate the terrible ache still weighing in his chest. Not the way he'd almost hoped it would. ...Hm.)]
Of course you wouldn't. [More frigid, now, this flat acknowledgment of Natsuno declining to pretend at this point. ...But the honesty can't be entirely ignored. Maybe it's even appreciated. That's a feeling still quite buried, however, under the seething anger that still persists.] ...But yes, I'm surely quite interested to hear what you have to say for yourself. I imagine you've already been rehearsing something, on your way here since your talk with Palamedes.
[Alas, the scathing sarcasm lingers, slightly reduced with the strongest sentiment spoken out of the way but going strong regardless. For better or worse (well, definitely worse, in this case), Jade never really has been one for open and direct anger. No, when it's this bad--has it ever been this bad?--there are always far crueler ways to deliver it than plain shouting. Especially by placing the burden of direct sincerity on the recipient, instead...and why shouldn't he, now? When the uncertainty of yesterday, and the gore in that closet, and the looks on everyone's faces, will ever remain a clear-cut picture in his mind's eye going forward here?]
I can guess by now you walked into that closet fully aware of that bomb--perhaps even detonated it yourself. Had everything quite nicely arranged and concealed enough, it seems. But I cannot imagine what sort of deal you might have possibly cut out with Jinx, to consider something like this worthwhile.
[In fact, Jade's already almost certain there isn't actually going to be any answer good enough to justify this. He has a few suspicions of his own...
May as well hear it from Natsuno's mouth now, however.]
[Something flickers in Natsuno's eyes when Jade accuses him of rehearsing an explanation. Shoulders stiffen, face momentarily scrunch up in pain and even anger before he can get it under control.
Whatever he was going to say - defensively, defiantly - Natsuno forces it back down. Jade was the one who found what was left of him. Every cruel, sardonic barb is justified and deserved.
Another moment to calm himself, shove any emotion under the ice. Jade won't hear anything but quiet truth.]
Jinx was mad I "won" the battle royale and she didn't. She's been harassing me ever since. Sometimes it was pranks and sometimes death threats. I was sick of being treated like some toy she can rattle when she's bored, never knowing what'll make her snap.
[I've got rat poison with your name on it, Squeakers. You have a little girl to admit I don't shoot your eyeballs like. We can be buddies until I try to kill you.]
She said she'd leave me alone if she got her "revenge," and I figured blacking out for a few hours is better than months of her crap.
She gave me the bomb and waited outside. The rest, you figured out.
[It was a low blow, of course--Jade knows this. Does he truly believe, on an objective level, that Natsuno might have rehearsed a perfect explanation for himself on his way back to the cabin? ...No, he doesn't. Knows well enough that for all the other faults Natsuno might have--especially the ones he's shown in advent of this entire situation--that sort of disingenuousness still isn't likely to be one of them.
But it was another barb to place, even as it still yields...little. The unmistakable hurt that flickers in Natsuno's eyes is clear, and instead of any vindication at another blow landed, Jade finds himself almost wishing he hadn't seen it at all instead.
Not a feeling there's any time to examine right now.]
So you took her at her word, that death would be enough. Despite the irrationality she's quite clearly displayed in every other aspect of your interactions. --A fine enough parallel, I suppose, to the absolute faith you apparently had in the captain always resurrecting passengers by the same means and timeframe without fail. Despite the fact that we all know exactly how fickle and cruel of a being he can be.
[At this point the bulk of the sardonic venom has bled out of Jade's tone, if only by necessity--but the words are still cold and flat, blunt as they reiterate Natsuno's apparent strategy with pointed emphasis to the fallacies. He lets that sit in the air for a moment between them, too, in a beat of a pause...before he pushes out a sigh.]
[Jinx is irrational, sadistic and violent... but she never struck Natsuno as a liar. Keeping deals, getting "even" - it seemed important to her. He doesn't voice the thought, letting Jade point out the flaws in his plan without comment. What's the point in arguing now?]
I only told Clarke.
[Perhaps he wouldn't have even told her if she hadn't his and Jinx's scuffle before laser tag. It's not personal, nothing against Jade - so why does it make him feel so bad now? Just hearing that tired sigh...]
...I don't like getting others caught up in my problems.
[Historically, it only gets them hurt. Surviving the Serena Eterna is everyone's problem, but petty personal squabbles? He still prefers exploding over having Jinx after his friends, too.]
[Well, that's certainly quite obvious at this point, or so some scathing part of Jade's thoughts still wants to say. Refusing to even mention such a prolonged difficulty to anyone but Clarke--who Jade could guess was likely a narrow exception herself--and then also truly going out of his way to try making his own suicide as quiet as possible...
Yes, Jade could imagine, that he doesn't like others getting caught up in his problems.
The worst part is that, in a way, he could almost understand the mindset. (Who was it that went off on a potentially fatal island mission without telling any friends until it was already underway?) But that still doesn't make it any less foolish--]
...Even she was surprised, to hear that I never had any idea. I cannot even blame her for that surprise, either. Doubtless the signs must have been there, regardless of your efforts...but I-- [--Had trusted that Natsuno had a decent amount of common sense about him...to put it in one sort of way. Jade can notice a great many things indeed, when he truly puts his mind to it, but in the time they've been cabinmates it would seem he had started affording Natsuno some leeway in that aspect, consciously or not. ...And maybe, in retrospect, that was perhaps quite foolish too.] --It would seem I've been rather mistaken about you in more than a few ways.
[...Yes, it was certainly foolish. Natsuno had said it plainly, once, at that time during the rain when he'd revealed his shiki nature. "There's nothing good about this second life."
Jade has had rather too much time to think about this, as well. In trying to understand the reasoning, and finding...that he almost does, in the worst sort of way. The expression on Jade's features gives way to something more unreadable, as he stares critically at Natsuno at the door for a long moment.]
You're a smart young man. I cannot accept that you had full confidence in the captain promptly resurrecting you, after a maneuver like that. You must have known the risk. [That the captain could simply decide not to, one day, as easily as anything.] But you still considered it well worth taking.
...You were just as content with the idea of never reawakening at all.
[It would seem I've been rather mistaken about you. Something twists in Natsuno yet again. A part of him wants to snap at Jade for making assumptions no one asked him to make, for burdening Natsuno with expectations like he's obliged to be what other people want.
Another part of him hears you disappoint me and is overcome with shame. This time he does avert his gaze, looking at the floor until Jade asks - accuses him of accepting the risk of not coming back.
The look he gives his roommate isn't surprised, or angry, or ashamed. It's resigned.]
...Not just as content.
[He's no longer the boy he was on those first few months, when all he wanted was to go back to that dark oblivion, the final "fuck you" to everyone who thought they can decide his fate. If there's a chance to leave the ship and start again in a new reality, Natsuno does want to take it. He doesn't want to leave his friends behind.]
But you're not wrong.
[Preferring to live doesn't mean he's afraid of the alternative. Natsuno may not have thought about it consciously when he and Jinx reached their agreement, but he would've never have gone through with it in if he wasn't willing to accept permanent death in the first place.
It's not something he admitted to anyone here, except Clarke, but now that Jade put it out there, he won't dance around it.]
I died before I got here. By my own hand. All the shiki had to die, myself included. I never expected to reawaken again.
[He's just a snapshot. His other selves are still dead and chose it without regret.]
So if the captain wouldn't have brought me back... I would just go back to where I was supposed to be all along.
[On an objective level it probably is a distinctly unfair sort of thing--that Jade might have formed any expectations of Natsuno in the first place. The kicker is that he hadn't even realized he was forming them himself...and if he'd been accused of it at any point earlier on, he would have been dubious at the idea of it. Yet, it would seem...that they certainly manifested anyhow, now didn't they? Somewhere in the camaraderie they'd ended up building between each other despite themselves, after such extended time both sharing quarters and sharing the varied hazards of the captain's whims. At some point down the line, Jade had ended up forming an approximate feel for the image of Natsuno's nature, his strengths and shortcomings, and...
Ah, but the worst part is that this image still hasn't completely changed, has it? Certain fundamental aspects remain true. But Natsuno's perception of his current existence...it certainly seems to have been far worse than expected, after all.
--But not as worse as it could be, is it? That correction doesn't go unheard--not as firmly as it's laid, even alongside the words Natsuno says after that. "Not just as content." ...Jade does wonder if that's something he would have said from the very beginning indeed--that first stretch of time upon this boat, freshly dragged back from a death he'd already set upon himself by his own hand, as he states now. Perhaps not. Perhaps, even despite the terrible trappings of their overall situation here, he's ended up finding people he no longer wants to completely abandon....because that's where the cracks always start, now isn't it?
(Jade knows he shouldn't find anything to empathize with, in this. That Natsuno's situation is no doubt vastly disparate from his own...that even trying to levy a comparison would be an immeasurable disservice to the boy's own experiences. Yet still...yet still....)]
Where you were 'supposed' to be? ...Or where you think you ought to be? Only one of these is an objective fact.
[And even if it no longer might be something Natsuno would pick first...there's the indication he still would have accepted that outcome. Instead of fighting against it, or at least doing his level best to avoid it...
Jade's posture doesn't actually shift much outwardly, and yet--something in his bearing finally seems to be loosening just a bit anyway. The true waning of his earlier anger, perhaps, a flame that's just no longer quite sustainable in the face of Natsuno's visible abject resignation. In its absence, the beginnings of a fundamental exhaustion filter in, equal parts promoted by the utter lack of sleep Jade has had these last few days...and the weight of what Natsuno's laying out in the open, here and now. ...Perhaps he really ought to have noticed this about him sooner. Perhaps they might have never found that closet full of viscera, if only he'd been paying more attention...but what good are such thoughts now?
No, now they're here, and now there's this.
Hm.]
...Do you think this existence would be easier, if there were no one on this ship that cared about you?
The only objective fact is that I made a choice, and it was taken away from me.
[He can't even decide his own fate, and Jade wants to argue about semantics? Fuck this, he's not playing.]
It wasn't even the first time. The shiki turned my best friend, and then sent him to kill me for snooping around. And you know what? I was fine with that, because it was either him or me. [If Tohru hadn't gone through with it, they would've hurt his still-living family and send someone else after Natsuno anyway.] I made peace with dying. Instead I turned into one of them, and after everything I've done to not be one a part of me still ended up in this fucking place -
[Natsuno cuts himself off. He didn't mean to let the dam break, but he's just so angry. Even now, he made another choice only to get fucked over by the captain's caprices and hurt everyone else in the process.]
So yeah, of course it would've been easier if no one here cared about me. But what's the point of even asking that? [He's not deluding himself. He knows you can't help but form bonds with others, especially in these situations.] People care, and I care about them.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
neverleave) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
come_sailaway2022-10-03 09:51 pm
the angry dad energy is too powerful
The silence is heavy, the tension is palpable and Jade's acidic opening strike is almost physically painful. Natsuno is sorely tempted to look away from those red eyes, but forces himself to meet Jade's gaze. He deserves this, the least he can do is suck it up and face the consequences of his reckless stupidity.
He closes the door and leans against it.]
Yes, [He says quietly.] I met Palamedes.
[So no need to catch him up, just let him have it.]
:^)
[Unfortunately for Natsuno, it would seem that acidic opening strike was just that--an opening. In one sense it's probably been quite awhile since Jade has addressed him in a fashion anywhere near this. At the very beginning they'd swapped a fair number of decent verbal barbs, certainly, unwilling roommates adjusting to each others' prickly habits...
But this may still parse as a new variety altogether, now. A sarcasm that borders on venom, without an ounce of humor, instead fueled by some yet-identified but thoroughly bitter thing, barely restrained. ...Jade knows, he knows it's not necessary or productive--that Pal surely must have given Natsuno quite the verbal lashing already, that there will doubtless be even worse to come from his other friends as well. But somehow these thoughts, too, only further feed into this...helplessly angry thing, in his heart, that he's been trying to smother for hours on end. This thing that had started smoldering all over again anyway, the moment that message from Natsuno had arrived. This thing that truly flares up anew, now that he's here, and leaning against the door so tiredly and speaking so quietly, as if he has even an inkling of what he's done--
(There is relief, too, somewhere in there. It's harder to find right now, though...maybe because it hurts just as much as the anger, at this point...)]
Well then, don't just stand there, hm? Come in, why don't you? Have a seat there, where you always do. Pick up one of your books, put on some of your music. [The sardonic lilt in Jade's tone is frighteningly even, alongside the utterly humorless smile that accompanies it--a sight somehow even worse than the blankness of his expression earlier, perhaps--as Jade gestures idly at Natsuno's bed.] It's not too late, you know. You can still go about your day as if nothing of any issue happened at all. I could even pretend alongside you, out of the endless generosity of my heart! After all...that's what you wanted to happen anyway, now isn't it?
[He's had far too much time to think on it all, you know. Even if they'd never managed to acquire a definitive answer from Jinx...they'd certainly examined the scene of death thoroughly enough. Palamedes' assessments can't be denied. Jinx didn't enter the closet until after the explosion--nobody else entered that closet until after the explosion. ...Except for Natsuno himself.
Which really only leaves one possible answer after that, doesn't it? How he got in there with that bomb, in the first place--]
unlocked the omnious opaque lenses... i'm excited
No, he's not thinking that. The thing inside him twists so much it's harder to breath.]
Yes, [He admits again in the same quiet tone, not moving from the door.] no one was supposed to know.
[He doesn't mean to sass out or act defiant. Natsuno sounds resigned more than anything; knowing that nothing he can say will make it better, so he might as well tell the honest truth.]
I'd rather we didn't pretend now. [Another honest answer, perhaps even wishing the awful, scathing sarcasm will make way for plain anger.] Do you want to hear what I have to say?
so glad to finally be getting mileage outta these icons at last
(...Used to be, some vindictive satisfaction could have been readily derived, from a reaction like this. Not the first time Jade's ever verbally torn someone open--and he'd never had any reservations about doing it those countless times before, not really. Yet here, the sight of his words landing sharply...does nothing at all, really, to alleviate the terrible ache still weighing in his chest. Not the way he'd almost hoped it would. ...Hm.)]
Of course you wouldn't. [More frigid, now, this flat acknowledgment of Natsuno declining to pretend at this point. ...But the honesty can't be entirely ignored. Maybe it's even appreciated. That's a feeling still quite buried, however, under the seething anger that still persists.] ...But yes, I'm surely quite interested to hear what you have to say for yourself. I imagine you've already been rehearsing something, on your way here since your talk with Palamedes.
[Alas, the scathing sarcasm lingers, slightly reduced with the strongest sentiment spoken out of the way but going strong regardless. For better or worse (well, definitely worse, in this case), Jade never really has been one for open and direct anger. No, when it's this bad--has it ever been this bad?--there are always far crueler ways to deliver it than plain shouting. Especially by placing the burden of direct sincerity on the recipient, instead...and why shouldn't he, now? When the uncertainty of yesterday, and the gore in that closet, and the looks on everyone's faces, will ever remain a clear-cut picture in his mind's eye going forward here?]
I can guess by now you walked into that closet fully aware of that bomb--perhaps even detonated it yourself. Had everything quite nicely arranged and concealed enough, it seems. But I cannot imagine what sort of deal you might have possibly cut out with Jinx, to consider something like this worthwhile.
[In fact, Jade's already almost certain there isn't actually going to be any answer good enough to justify this. He has a few suspicions of his own...
May as well hear it from Natsuno's mouth now, however.]
no subject
Whatever he was going to say - defensively, defiantly - Natsuno forces it back down. Jade was the one who found what was left of him. Every cruel, sardonic barb is justified and deserved.
Another moment to calm himself, shove any emotion under the ice. Jade won't hear anything but quiet truth.]
Jinx was mad I "won" the battle royale and she didn't. She's been harassing me ever since. Sometimes it was pranks and sometimes death threats. I was sick of being treated like some toy she can rattle when she's bored, never knowing what'll make her snap.
[I've got rat poison with your name on it, Squeakers. You have a little girl to admit I don't shoot your eyeballs like. We can be buddies until I try to kill you.]
She said she'd leave me alone if she got her "revenge," and I figured blacking out for a few hours is better than months of her crap.
She gave me the bomb and waited outside. The rest, you figured out.
no subject
But it was another barb to place, even as it still yields...little. The unmistakable hurt that flickers in Natsuno's eyes is clear, and instead of any vindication at another blow landed, Jade finds himself almost wishing he hadn't seen it at all instead.
Not a feeling there's any time to examine right now.]
So you took her at her word, that death would be enough. Despite the irrationality she's quite clearly displayed in every other aspect of your interactions. --A fine enough parallel, I suppose, to the absolute faith you apparently had in the captain always resurrecting passengers by the same means and timeframe without fail. Despite the fact that we all know exactly how fickle and cruel of a being he can be.
[At this point the bulk of the sardonic venom has bled out of Jade's tone, if only by necessity--but the words are still cold and flat, blunt as they reiterate Natsuno's apparent strategy with pointed emphasis to the fallacies. He lets that sit in the air for a moment between them, too, in a beat of a pause...before he pushes out a sigh.]
...You never told me of this harassment.
no subject
I only told Clarke.
[Perhaps he wouldn't have even told her if she hadn't his and Jinx's scuffle before laser tag. It's not personal, nothing against Jade - so why does it make him feel so bad now? Just hearing that tired sigh...]
...I don't like getting others caught up in my problems.
[Historically, it only gets them hurt. Surviving the Serena Eterna is everyone's problem, but petty personal squabbles? He still prefers exploding over having Jinx after his friends, too.]
no subject
Yes, Jade could imagine, that he doesn't like others getting caught up in his problems.
The worst part is that, in a way, he could almost understand the mindset. (Who was it that went off on a potentially fatal island mission without telling any friends until it was already underway?) But that still doesn't make it any less foolish--]
...Even she was surprised, to hear that I never had any idea. I cannot even blame her for that surprise, either. Doubtless the signs must have been there, regardless of your efforts...but I-- [--Had trusted that Natsuno had a decent amount of common sense about him...to put it in one sort of way. Jade can notice a great many things indeed, when he truly puts his mind to it, but in the time they've been cabinmates it would seem he had started affording Natsuno some leeway in that aspect, consciously or not. ...And maybe, in retrospect, that was perhaps quite foolish too.] --It would seem I've been rather mistaken about you in more than a few ways.
[...Yes, it was certainly foolish. Natsuno had said it plainly, once, at that time during the rain when he'd revealed his shiki nature. "There's nothing good about this second life."
Jade has had rather too much time to think about this, as well. In trying to understand the reasoning, and finding...that he almost does, in the worst sort of way. The expression on Jade's features gives way to something more unreadable, as he stares critically at Natsuno at the door for a long moment.]
You're a smart young man. I cannot accept that you had full confidence in the captain promptly resurrecting you, after a maneuver like that. You must have known the risk. [That the captain could simply decide not to, one day, as easily as anything.] But you still considered it well worth taking.
...You were just as content with the idea of never reawakening at all.
[It's not a question.]
Cw: suicide mention
Another part of him hears you disappoint me and is overcome with shame. This time he does avert his gaze, looking at the floor until Jade asks - accuses him of accepting the risk of not coming back.
The look he gives his roommate isn't surprised, or angry, or ashamed. It's resigned.]
...Not just as content.
[He's no longer the boy he was on those first few months, when all he wanted was to go back to that dark oblivion, the final "fuck you" to everyone who thought they can decide his fate. If there's a chance to leave the ship and start again in a new reality, Natsuno does want to take it. He doesn't want to leave his friends behind.]
But you're not wrong.
[Preferring to live doesn't mean he's afraid of the alternative. Natsuno may not have thought about it consciously when he and Jinx reached their agreement, but he would've never have gone through with it in if he wasn't willing to accept permanent death in the first place.
It's not something he admitted to anyone here, except Clarke, but now that Jade put it out there, he won't dance around it.]
I died before I got here. By my own hand. All the shiki had to die, myself included. I never expected to reawaken again.
[He's just a snapshot. His other selves are still dead and chose it without regret.]
So if the captain wouldn't have brought me back... I would just go back to where I was supposed to be all along.
Re: Cw: suicide mention
Ah, but the worst part is that this image still hasn't completely changed, has it? Certain fundamental aspects remain true. But Natsuno's perception of his current existence...it certainly seems to have been far worse than expected, after all.
--But not as worse as it could be, is it? That correction doesn't go unheard--not as firmly as it's laid, even alongside the words Natsuno says after that. "Not just as content." ...Jade does wonder if that's something he would have said from the very beginning indeed--that first stretch of time upon this boat, freshly dragged back from a death he'd already set upon himself by his own hand, as he states now. Perhaps not. Perhaps, even despite the terrible trappings of their overall situation here, he's ended up finding people he no longer wants to completely abandon....because that's where the cracks always start, now isn't it?
(Jade knows he shouldn't find anything to empathize with, in this. That Natsuno's situation is no doubt vastly disparate from his own...that even trying to levy a comparison would be an immeasurable disservice to the boy's own experiences. Yet still...yet still....)]
Where you were 'supposed' to be? ...Or where you think you ought to be? Only one of these is an objective fact.
[And even if it no longer might be something Natsuno would pick first...there's the indication he still would have accepted that outcome. Instead of fighting against it, or at least doing his level best to avoid it...
Jade's posture doesn't actually shift much outwardly, and yet--something in his bearing finally seems to be loosening just a bit anyway. The true waning of his earlier anger, perhaps, a flame that's just no longer quite sustainable in the face of Natsuno's visible abject resignation. In its absence, the beginnings of a fundamental exhaustion filter in, equal parts promoted by the utter lack of sleep Jade has had these last few days...and the weight of what Natsuno's laying out in the open, here and now. ...Perhaps he really ought to have noticed this about him sooner. Perhaps they might have never found that closet full of viscera, if only he'd been paying more attention...but what good are such thoughts now?
No, now they're here, and now there's this.
Hm.]
...Do you think this existence would be easier, if there were no one on this ship that cared about you?
suicide cw for this entire thread tbh
[He can't even decide his own fate, and Jade wants to argue about semantics? Fuck this, he's not playing.]
It wasn't even the first time. The shiki turned my best friend, and then sent him to kill me for snooping around. And you know what? I was fine with that, because it was either him or me. [If Tohru hadn't gone through with it, they would've hurt his still-living family and send someone else after Natsuno anyway.] I made peace with dying. Instead I turned into one of them, and after everything I've done to not be one a part of me still ended up in this fucking place -
[Natsuno cuts himself off. He didn't mean to let the dam break, but he's just so angry. Even now, he made another choice only to get fucked over by the captain's caprices and hurt everyone else in the process.]
So yeah, of course it would've been easier if no one here cared about me. But what's the point of even asking that? [He's not deluding himself. He knows you can't help but form bonds with others, especially in these situations.] People care, and I care about them.