come_sailaway | My fuck rations are depleted [October catch-all]

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My fuck rations are depleted [October catch-all]

Who: Natsuno and you
What: Monthly catch-all
When: October
Where: All around
Warnings: Discussion of murder, violence and suicide, will add as needed

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[Look, Palamedes is relieved to see Natsuno alive and well. The mere sight of him lifts some invisible weight from his shoulders. He wants to celebrate.

But he’s so, so angry. Natsuno hadn’t made the gravity of the situation with Jinx clear, and then he went and found the least convenient time he could to get murdered. If more of them had known, then they might have been able to help.]

The land of the living.

[Natsuno looks confused, which is somehow even more infuriating.] Come. Sit. I have a lot to catch you up on.

[All color drains from Natsuno's face, alongside all expression. He stares at Palamedes for a moment before he finally snatches the phone out of his pocket. Sees the date, looks over an onslaught of unread texts, growing paler the further he scrolls.

Three days. Pal knows. And so must everyone else.

Natsuno stands up, palms flat on the table as if trying to stable himself. He joins Pal without another word, leaving his food behind. His appetite is gone.]

[Palamedes folds his hands on the table, watching Natsuno, the silence stretching for a few long, uncomfortable moments even after they are both seated.]

About three days ago, not longer after the meeting in the library broke up, there was an explosion on the sports deck. That was odd, yes, but nothing too concerning. I think Clarke tried to text you about it. She didn’t get an answer.

That was concerning. [He pauses, sips his tea]

We spent most of the night looking for you. When you didn’t turn up, we had to believe that, worst case scenario, some particularly grizzly accident had befallen you, and you would be back in the morning. I think you can imagine the reaction when you weren’t.

[Another sip]

And then the Colonel discovered your guts sprayed all over that sports deck closet. Honestly, the one thing I regret is not investigating the explosion sooner. It was right there in front of us the entire time, but we were too busy being worried out of our minds to properly put the pieces together.

[So Clarke heard the explosion. Of course she did, of course she wanted to check it out, Natsuno you fucking idiot. He should've taken the bomb on a damn lifeboat, but he wanted to make the cleanup easier for Friday. You fucking IDIOT -

Natsuno's expression grows even blanker the more Pal speaks, until he mentions Jade finding the scene. The mask cracks to reveal wide-eyed horror and it's a few moments before he can get his emotions under control again. Jade found his - but did no one clean - worried out of our minds -

There's a horrible pause before Natsuno's sure he can keep his voice calm.]

And. What else did you find?

[Palamedes watches as Natsuno grows worried, confused, stunned. It’s strange to see such emotion on the boy’s face, but the reaction does nothing to stop Pal from relentlessly telling the tale of the last couple days.]

A chip of lavender nail varnish and a scrap of fabric Clarke immediately recognized from the dolls Jinx uses to make bombs. As you can imagine, she was ready to kill the girl, and I was almost inclined to let her. But two details gave me pause.

You see, I could tell that Jinx hadn’t entered the closet until after the explosion. And someone had laid down a tarp beforehand. Which was a nice touch, honestly. Polite, in its own way. The sign of someone who didn’t want to make a fuss. Now, I don’t know Jinx well, but that doesn’t seem like her style.

[He takes another, longer drink of tea]

So what I want to know is this: what kind of pact did you make with her? And why?

[Nail varnish and fabric. He'd be busted anyway once Pal and his psychometry became involved, but still - goddamn it, Jinx! Natsuno puts down a tarp, arranges to be revived in the morgue and then this IDIOT fucks up the crime scene with rookie mistakes? Why would she even go inside, to get a close look at the result? Fucking psycho who can't even get away with murder.

Seems like she got away from being murdered, though. There's a message from Jinx on his phone, telling him they need to talk. Pal has already figured out most of it, but until Natsuno speaks to Jinx, he can't risk breaking their agreement by telling anything else. If she decides he broke the deal and keep going after him...

He has to force himself to keep his eyes on Pal. It's so tempting to look away like the guilty idiot he is.]

I had my reasons. And the details are between me and her.

[Palamedes sets down his mug sharply, a little stunned to have his theory so swiftly confirmed. Another time, he might have been impressed with Natsuno’s honesty, but for now he’s just too angry.]

You had your reason? Well, they better have been pretty good ones, given the distressed you’ve caused the people who care about you most.

You absolute fool, Yuuki. To be honest, I thought you were smarter than this.

[That shouldn't sting so much, but it does. It's not the first absolute foolishness he got himself into, but definitely the first he got this kind of verbal lashing before.]

I never meant to upset any of you.

[He was supposed to return the next day, not that Pal will accept this explanation. Natsuno falls silent for a moment, considering. He and Jinx have an agreement, but...]

You're a necromancer. Do you know what's it like to be haunted?

[He promises this is going somewhere.]

Intention is only a fraction of the meaning behind any action.

[Natsuno’s question, though, surprises Palamedes. He sits back in his chair, his eyebrows knitting together. Unexpectedly, he is reminded of the archive-grade plex box sitting at the back of his closet. Correspondence: D.S. to P.S. & C.H., 9987-9999.]

Not literally, no. I haven’t had the pleasure, not personally.

[And yet Dulcinea haunts him, through no fault of her own. As Camilla Hect once put it: Palamedes Sextus remembered everything. That was his problem.]

[He nods in stoic agreement to the first part. True enough. But he will attempt to explain his reasons anyway - Pal wouldn't come around to approve his actions, but Natsuno hopes he'll at least appreciate having context.]

One of my classmates used to stalk me. She'd hide in the bushes for hours each day, trying to see into my room. I had to leave the window closed even in the hottest summer days. Then she died, and I thought I was done with her. But it only got worse when she rose from the grave.

[He doesn't pause to explain how the girl rose. That's not the important part. Perhaps later, if Pal is curious.]

She kept coming to my window every night, watching me. I was getting sick from not sleeping, thought I was imagining things. Then one night I was staying with my best friend, and she was there. [The memory still sends shivers down his spine, even after everything he's been through. Megumi staring at him from under Tohru's bed, whispering his name lovingly as she unfolds herself into a standing position, dead limbs cracking and twisting in unnatural angles.] She killed him because, "I liked him better than her." She would've killed me too if she thought there's a chance I'd rise and become like her.

[Another awful memory: Tatsumi declaring he's all yours! as Megumi spreads her dead arms to grab him. If Tohru hadn't beaten her to it - ]

How do you think I'd feel if someone else stalked and terrorized me like this? [This is a hypothetical question, of course.] How far do you think I'd go to make it stop?

Edited 2022-10-23 06:13 (UTC)

[Palamedes’ expression doesn’t flicker as Natsuno tells his story—his brows remain furrowed, a faint frown on his lips. Yet beneath it all, the story fascinates and surprises him. It only got worse when she rose from the grave..

Huh.

But more than surprise, even more than curiosity—and Pal’s curiosity is intense—what he feels is a deep well of sorrow. Natsuno always seems to be looking over his shoulder. He sleeps with one eye open, if he sleeps at all. And here, perhaps, is the original source of his perpetual vigilance.]

I’m so very sorry.

[A pause.]

I can imagine you would do anything in your power to stop it.

[Another blank nod. The sympathy is appreciated, in a distant sort of way. Natsuno never quite got used to people expressing sorry for what he's been through. It is what it is and there's nothing to be done.]

Mhm. Maybe it would reckless and stupid. Maybe I'd mess up. [Three days. Jade found the remains.] But if that person would take one moment of satisfaction over months of harassment, I might do it.

["Might."]

And I wouldn't want anyone else caught up in the crossfire.

There are any number of things one might do for the sake of one’s own sanity in such a situation. Reckless things, even.

[Pal pauses and sips his tea again, but now he looks thoughtful, not antagonistic.]

But here’s what I don’t understand. You’ve never struck me as reckless, Yuuki, not even in moments of unbelievable stress. And if such events really were repeating themselves on this ship, I don’t see how temporarily killing yourself would do anything to change the situation.

["Never struck me as reckless" just wait till you hear about the time he ran out of his safe house, at night, knowing full well there are vampires out there who want him dead, and then sassed out when they expectedly found him.]

That girl convinced herself she "liked" me.

[He clocked her right from the start: self-centered and selfish, eager to cast him into a role her personal drama. Megumi was never interested in him but in the idea of him, the new kid from the city who will bring excitement into her dull village life.]

Another person may think I wronged them somehow and try to "get even." Maybe seeing someone dead would be enough to satisfy then.

[To be fair, most people don’t call Palamedes reckless, and he decided in five minutes to blow himself up to avenge the death of a girl he never met in person. It’s the sensible people who do the most absurd things.

While Natsuno hasn’t precisely told him what happened—he hasn’t broken his pact—he has shared enough that Pal is able to piece the story together. Another person is obviously Jinx, who, as Clarke had revealed, had been harassing Natsuno for some time.]

Do you really think it will stop her? For your sake, I hope it does. [He sighs and rubs his temple] And if it doesn’t, in the name of the Emperor above, come to your friends before you resort to pyrotechnics this time.

...I think it will. She's dangerous, but not a liar.

[He doesn't fool himself into thinking Palamedes will trust his assessment or agree with his actions, but Natsuno still feels comfortable enough to voice his thoughts. Pal knows how to listen and acknowledge all sides of an argument.]

I don't want to see other people get hurt because of MY problems.

She may not be a liar, but she doesn’t strike to me as very dependable, either. She could always change her mind.

[But that isn’t the point, really. Natsuno will face other dangers, and not just from Jinx—they all will. And he won’t survive this place if he chooses to go at it alone.

Yet again, Pal finds himself thinking of Harrow, who refused to confide even in her own cavalier. He smiles in a sad sort of way. They had worn her down just a little by the end, hadn’t they?]

Too bad, Yuuki. That’s what friends are for. [He sounds almost cheerful.] Your problems are our problems now, whether you like it or not. Might as well get used to it.

[Things Natsuno Yuuki and Harrowhark Nonagesimus have in common: sad eyes, acerbic personality and a tendency to go from "don't speak to me" to "I will destroy everything I am for you because I love you" in an alarmingly short while.]

...yeah. You don't know when to quit.

You know, you’re not the first person to tell me that.

[Palamedes thinks he has made his point well enough. His anger still simmers, but most of it has turned to something more like fond frustration. Natsuno acted like an idiot, but he has miraculously returned to them, hopefully having learned a lesson.

If Pal hasn’t been able to convince him that what he did was wrong, hopefully some combination of Jade, Clarke, Rita, and Mikzuki can browbeat him into promising not to try something like that again.]

You should get in touch with everyone else. People have been worried.

[There's the guilt again. All the anger at Pal leaves him like air out of a deflated balloon.

The others are going to hit him so hard, and that will be the least painful thing.]

...yeah.

[Natsuno stands up. All he wants is to crawl into one of the lifeboats and hide for a week, but he needs to face the music. Which will be composed of screams.]

For what it's worth, I'm sorry.

[yeah, it's going to be really, really bad. Pal feels a little bit sorry for Natusno, honestly, but not so sorry to offer to help. Natsuno is right: he needs to face the music.]

I know. And I appreciate that. Be sure to tell the others as much--they deserve to hear it even more than I do.

[A pause]

Good luck.

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