come_sailaway | My fuck rations are depleted [October catch-all]

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My fuck rations are depleted [October catch-all]

Who: Natsuno and you
What: Monthly catch-all
When: October
Where: All around
Warnings: Discussion of murder, violence and suicide, will add as needed

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[He texts back a short confirmation, tosses his phone aside and goes back to staring into nothing until Rita steps into 109. When Natsuno notices her red, still-puffy eyes, Clarke's words come back like a lash: Rita cried her eyes out. You absolute asshole, we did it for you.

For a moment he just looks at her from his seat on the bed, back leaned against the wall and knees pulled to his chest. He didn't cry since he was three and he isn't going to cry now, but his throat feels tight.

What does he have to say for himself? Nothing good. But he'll say it anyway, because Rita deserves the truth, and she deserves to know what kind of person she was shedding tears for.]

Jinx decided I ruined things for her by "winning" the battle royale. She's been harassing me ever since and I was sick of it. I thought that if I let her "get even" once, she'll leave me alone.

[He looks so exhausted as she stands in front of the door with crossed arms. Seeing him back should be a good thing, and--yeah, a part of her is internally sagging in relief, but...it doesn't remove the pain, either.

Soon, though, his explanation has her staring at him like he's grown an extra head. It's so nonsensical, it takes her a moment to absorb the details--Jinx bugging him was that personal? Natsuno let her "get even"--

He let her kill him. She's so tired, but that realization sparks the flames of her anger all over again.]

You did what?! Are you stupid?!

[She's stalking across the room before she even realizes it, and finally, here's the expected Rita Reaction: a clenched fist aimed furiously at his chest.]

What happened to being less resigned?! I thought you were--

[She's abruptly cuts it short, clamping her mouth shut and crossing her arms again. Sure, he probably knows now thanks to the texts she sent, but she doesn't want to say it again.

Oh, and this close to Natsuno? He might see that wooden cat carving peeking out of her pocket. Yes, she's had it with her.]

Edited (adds more *v*) 2022-10-16 13:59 (UTC)

[He doesn't avoid the fist, only lets out a small oof when it connects. Yes, he knows what she was going to say.]

...I meant what I said in the meeting. I don't want to go back to being dead. But I thought, a couple hours in exchange to being left alone -

[Natsuno sees the carving in her pocket and the rest of the sentence burns to ashes in his mouth. What is he even saying?

He closes his eyes, sigh, opens them again to look at her.]

I'm sorry, Rita. I was stupid, and cruel. I never wanted to hurt you.

[She wishes it made her feel better, but it doesn't. It just feels futile, yet she doesn't know what else to do with her hands besides clench them stiffly at her sides, which she does--she doesn't want to keep hitting him, but she itches to do something, just doesn't know what, so...this is all she's doing.]

--This is why people are--they're too much to deal with, but--I can't just forget them, either!

[Stupid Natsuno making her hurt and stupid her for remembering how stupidly nice his stupid company was and--yeah, there's the tears again.

Dammit.]

I--I can't even hate you for this!

[And that sucks?! She thinks?! How does she deal with emotions like this?!]

[Natsuno gets it, he really does. Caring about others sucks and yet it creeps up on you. Everything would be so much simpler if he didn't care.

But he does. He's attached now, for better or worse, and he can never go back.]

...I'm sorry.

[A moment of hesitation. Then he reaches out carefully to rest a hand on the top of her head, if she lets him.]

But I'm glad you don't hate me.

[It was so much simpler when she didn't care, when all she had were blastia. It was just...empty, too, no matter how much she tried to pretend otherwise.

Is filling that emptiness worth all this?

She doesn't know.]

Of course I don't. But you're still an idiot.

[...She places her hand over his. It feels weird, but...not awful.

He's really here.]

[...you know what? He'll take it.

Natsuno was never good with physical contact. He reached on a whim, wanting to comfort her like Tohru would comfort him, a lifetime ago. He's a little surprised when she reaches back, but it's... nice. Weird, but not awful.

Her hand is warm. He curls his fingers around hers, slow and careful.]

[Although she gently tugs his hand from her head to make it less awkward, she continues holding it—-tightly, as if hanging on could keep him from vanishing forever…which could still happen someday.]

Just—-don’t pull anything like that again. What if you hadn’t come back at all?

[The unknown factor of when and whether or not he’d return had been a crushing weight, one that might be gone now but not easily forgotten.]

[If he hadn't come back, they he would've gone to where he was supposed to go all along. He's been living on borrowed time anyway, a snapshot of a boy who once lit another bomb and said I've died long ago.

Natsuno doesn't voice that thought. First, because it'll be cruel to Rita, and second - he doesn't want to return that borrowed time, not anymore. Without realizing it, Natsuno Yuuki has much to lose now, like the warm hand squeezing his.

So instead he just holds onto Rita, fingers interlocking.]

I won't. Promise.

...Good.

[She focuses on the grip of his hand, just...relishing the fact he's here and not gone forever. For now, anyway... She wishes she could make him promise to never disappear. If only it were actually up to them.

...She isn't crying anymore, but tt still hurts, knowing that could happen at any time, especially after the past couple of days. If they don't do something, figure something out, they will disappear, sooner or later...

She still doesn't get how Natsuno thought he could just trust the captain to revive him with no problems and walk right into death--

Wait, that's right. With everything else (namely, Natsuno being here and alive), she'd forgotten what else he'd said. She looks at him, fury quickly clouding her features.]

Hang on... You said all this was Jinx's fault, didn't you?

That girl...is so dead!

[It was a sweet, tender moment between two messed up teens just trying to make sense of the world.

And now back to your regularly scheduled revenge.]

Rita, don't.

[His hands move to her shoulders like he's trying to physically stop her from storming out of the cabin with a fireball ready. If he can get one thing out of this whole damn mess, it's that Jinx was as sick of it as him and agreed to leave him alone regardless of what he told everyone.

Natsuno is not going to let Rita put herself in the line of fire.]

Don't start another fight. She's not worth it.

[It works, too, because Rita sure was about to go storming off--as it is, she's trembling with renewed anger but staying put...for now.

She's in no way happy about it, though.]

Isn't she the one who started it all?! It'd be her own damn fault! For going after you so much that all this happened-!

Yes, she started it, because she's unhinged.

Which is why I don't want anyone else on her radar. As long as she honors our agreement... please don't start something on my behalf.

[Of course, if Jinx ever fucks with Rita, or anyone else he cares about, the agreement is null and void.]

[She is...kind of listening to him, at least, in that she isn't running off to find and blast Jinx.

Still, something about the way he words that makes her a different kind of upset-]

On your--hey, what's that supposed to mean?! Of course I--if she messes with my friend, she messes with me! And if she ever tries to start something with you again...

If she starts something again, then we'll deal with it.

["We", not "I." Earlier conversation made their scathing mark, at least.]

But for now, she agreed to leave me alone. If my stupid decision is the last of it, I'd rather let it go.

[She does note that use of we over I, which--good. She still doesn't like it, and she still thinks Natsuno's an idiot for gambling with throwing his life away permanently (even temporarily was still stupid), but--he already promised to never do it again, and as long as she won't be left out of the loop in the future...she'll leave it be.

Jinx will just be getting some ver dirty looks next time Rita sees her.]

...Fine, but...

Fine.

[A sigh, and then she tries to push it out of her mind. It's hard, though, after thinking he was gone, then knowing he was dead, after finding his body with Jade--]

--And what about you? Are you sure you're okay? You were--three days, I mean...

[Can he really be okay after being dead that long?]

I'm fine.

[Death really isn't any different from a long sleep. Natsuno already knows how it feels. He did wake up hungry, but that was the easiest thing to deal with.]

...Well, physically.

[He wouldn't usually admit that out loud, but he's exhausted. Natsuno does make a point of not sounding upset, because he brought it on himself so while he can state the fact, he shouldn't whine about it.]

But. All of you had it way worse.

Edited (Shhh i can fix typos 4 hours later) 2022-10-19 18:47 (UTC)

[She doesn't shake her head, just bites her lip and glances away instead, since she can't exactly refute what he says.]

It's...I won't say it was fine, but--you're here, and that's what matters now.

[And he's physically fine, though mentally and/or emotionally not-so-fine...yeah, that checks out. She's relieved he isn't hurt, but still--physical wounds are so much more clear-cut.

...He does look beyond tired, though. Maybe that's one thing a bit of time will help--if they have much time, considering the state of the ship right now...]

Why don't...you get some rest?

[Natsuno looks down at their joint hands. He doesn't want her to leave just yet, but... he can use some rest. He feels like a piece of wet cloth wrung out over and over.]

...yeah. I probably should.

[He lets go of Rita's hand.]

Talk to you tomorrow?

[When he lets go, she curls her fingers into her palm, trying to retain the memory. He...should really rest, no matter how much she wants to hold on and make sure he doesn't disappear again.]

...Y-yeah. Just...try to rest, but...don't leave it too long, okay?

[She'll start worrying again if she doesn't hear from him--which is probably silly, surely he wouldn't vanish the moment she leaves his cabin or anything, but--

Rita is actually something of a worrywart when it comes to close friends.]

I won't.

[That's a promise! For the next several weeks, he's going to make sure his friends know he's around and alive.]

...thanks, Rita. You rest too.

Good. And...y-yeah...

[She starts for the door, pauses, takes another step--and then whips around.]

Actually--I'll just crash here for a while! Jade's not here, anyway.

[Which is clearly...the only reason, right?]

[He's already half melting, half collapsing on the bed when Rita turns back.]

Huh - [Oh. Was the cabin this warm a second ago?] ...yeah, sure.

[CLEARLY the only reason! Make yourself comfortable, Rita, help yourself to Jade's space. Natsuno's just gonna... quietly droop the rest of the way.

It won't be long before he conks out.]

[Clearly...the captain, or whoever, decided to crank the temperature in here!!

--But Natsuno doesn't protest, so both of them red-faced or not, Rita does go ahead and make her way to the couch, and then...

Maybe she watches Natsuno for a while. Makes sure he's still here, still breathing, even if it'd be kind of weird for her to be staring at him all this time...until, satisfied, she dozes off on the couch.

Yeah, find somewhere else to sleep, Jade!]

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