My fuck rations are depleted [October catch-all]

[neverleave]

Who: Natsuno and you
What: Monthly catch-all
When: October
Where: All around
Warnings: Discussion of murder, violence and suicide, will add as needed

Comments

[neverleave]

[Natsuno narely knows anything about Clarke's father - discovered the Ark was dying, executed by his own wife for wanting to go public with the information. Clarke barely lingered on the topic when she told him her story, which was hardly surprising. Still, it's easy to guess she was closer with him.]

Did he pick your name? My dad picked mine.

[Stupid old fashioned name that he despised. His father probably never even considered how people would keep commenting on it, or maybe he did and liked the attention.]

[skaikru]

I don't actually know. ( nor where it came from, and definitely not the fact she and a great deal of her friends were named after old world science fiction authors. it's funnier that way. )

I never thought to ask.

( and now, barring very specific circumstances, will never be able to. )

Is there a reason he picked "Natsuno"? Does it mean something specific?

[neverleave]

It's some old noble's name. You write it like "summer field."

Dad's a big romanticist, so. [He says "romanticist" like most people say "idiot."] I guess he wanted to give his kid a special name.

[skaikru]

Hmmm. There's nothing wrong with that, though. Hate the end result all you want, the intention behind naming you seemed pure.

( and guess what buddy, you are special to go along with that special name. even if clarke's only vested interest in the name "natsuno" is that it belongs to him. )

[neverleave]

[Yes, the intention was pure. A young man barely out of his teen years, excited to have his first (and only) child. But knowing how it all ended, with Natsuno's own teenage resentment, it becomes the first of many well-intended but selfish and ultimately disastrous decisions.]

Yeah. [A soft exhale, barely a bitter laugh.] Always pure intentions. Maybe if he ever considered how his intentions aligned with reality, he'd still have a family.

[Natsuno hardly ever thought about his dad for the last eight months. Now he's filled with a mix of anger and grief and he hates it.

His dad was a hypocrite and a selfish idiot.

Natsuno still mourns the loss of memory.

He misses him.]

[skaikru]

( ouch.

she doesn't offer a comforting squeeze on the tail end of that sentiment, but their fingers are still entangled and natsuno can no doubt feel how clarke's twitch. it hits too close to home. if jake griffin hadn't tried to go public with information about the life support systems failing, he never would have been floated and she'd never been imprisoned. but he'd still be chasing what he felt was right, and then didn't even get to see the end result that was earth.

they're not implicitly talking about mothers, but it's impossible for clarke's mind not to stray towards abby. and after a brief inhale that only sort of shudders in her throat, she says, )

That's parents, though. Isn't it? They always disappoint, then love us all the harder like that makes up for past mistakes.

[neverleave]

...yeah. And by then it's too late.

[His father may now be a faceless, garble-voiced figure, but Natsuno still knows he was a shell of a man during those final weeks. He also knows that this broken man tried his best to protect his undead son - pathetic attempts, too little and too late, yet even they were fiercer than anything he'd done when Natsuno was still human.

He opens his eyes and turns to glance at Clarke, on his own this time.]

I hope he moved on.

[skaikru]

I doubt he ever will entirely.

( her turn to not look at him immediately, though clarke doesn't go so far as to cover her eyes with the crook of her elbow. simply squints at the sun for a beat, until the light becomes too much and her vision is perpetually scorched with a stark outline of blinking black; then she'll glance his way, expression somber but convicted. )

But some day I'm sure he'll find peace with the past.