My fuck rations are depleted [October catch-all]

[neverleave]

Who: Natsuno and you
What: Monthly catch-all
When: October
Where: All around
Warnings: Discussion of murder, violence and suicide, will add as needed

Comments

cw: suicidal ideation

[neverleave]

Yes.

[It comes out without thinking. Natsuno pauses for a split second, almost surprised he said it out loud, but once the dam cracked there's no stopping the rest of the flood. It's time for brutally infuriating honesty, Clarke's reaction be damned.]

You didn't need to drive off a cliff when Skulduggery already volunteered. [There's room for only ONE martyr complex between the two of them, so move the FUCK over, Clarke.] If you'd gone through with it, we'd all known and hurt. With Jinx - no one was supposed to know.

[It's a shit explanation, he knows as much, but the words just keep coming, because this is still how he feels deep down - ]

I'm sorry you had to see it. It was stupid of me to count on the captain to always be on time. But maybe I wasn't making it clear -

my life matters less.

[skaikru]

( to sit here and listen to this absolute crock of disparaging horseshit spewing from his mouth is — she'd honestly rather be punched straight in the guts. rather be back on deck with deputy pratt on his way to his worst form, with a steak knife in her stomach. would rather she and ebalon were never interrupted and he'd just driven those moon spears through her spine. clarke's got a laundry list of horrible interactions throughout her life, and the vast majority pale in comparison to standing in front of her best friend and listening to him say he doesn't matter.

for a second, she just stares at him, mouth slightly open and tongue a dead weight against the back of her teeth. for a second, she feels and looks like she's about to deflate. for a second, an untapped reserve of tears threatens to mist her eyes again.

then the second's done, and a garbled scream of frustration manages to leak through the spaces between her teeth. clarke could yank her own hair out, stomp her feet, punch a wall again, or pick up a pillow and bite it but, nah. she lashes out to slap him again, harder than the first two and the tingle of impact lances all the way from her fingertips to her shoulder. though this time when she reaches for natsuno's chest again, it's not to shove — rather to fist his shirt between her fingers and bodily drag his face within four inches of hers. )

No. it. doesn't!

( he probably gets sprinkled with a drop or two of angry spit, the argument is heated and the moment emotional. and it's not like she ever really stopped shouting this entire time, but up close and personal, clarke's voice drops back into the strained cracking of someone trying really hard not to wail. angry wail? sad wail? tired wail? yes. )

It matters to me.

You're not disposable, you're not cannon fodder, and you are not an acceptable loss. You may technically be a Shiki, but you're not just some undead monster that nobody cares about and nobody would miss. You're my friend. My — really fucking stupid friend. You matter to me, and there's literally nothing you could ever do that would change that.

[neverleave]

[Clarke's open palm explodes across his face so hard his ears are ringing, or maybe it's because he's stunned. He really shouldn't be, not when she already slapped him twice and has been this entire conversation, but somehow there's always room for Clarke Griffin to escalate.

Natsuno's hand flies to his chest like he's going to grab her wrist and yank away from his shirt, but doesn't. The hand drops and he ends up staring down at her furious expression. His own can be very charitably described as a glower, if he didn't look so miserable while at it.]

Why should anyone else decide if it's acceptable -

[The words dissolve into a frustrated growl mid-sentence, because the hypocrisy is starting to get hard to ignore. That's why, that's exactly why he didn't want to get attached again but did anyway, and this time they have the fucking gall to not disappoint him and actually fight like he is more important than anything - ]

I want to agree with you. And I hate it.

[skaikru]

Then hate it.

( own it, you owe them that — you have to be alive to continue loathing the hypocrisy. so hate it, live with that, and deal with it. )

If you can't decide you matter, I'll do it for you. You do.

( and then her fingers start to slowly unfurl from their death grip on his shirt. and the proximity of grabbing at his front dissolves into another shove, but it's half hearted at best. then silence. then — )

...I love you, Natsuno. But I'm so fucking angry with you, right now I don't want to look at your face.

( find her tomorrow. or let her find you. right now, she's finally taking a step back towards the door. )

[neverleave]

[Somehow that half-hearted shove hurts just as much as the slaps, the yells, the angry spittle. Maybe because she looks so... deflated.

He wants to say I can't blame you or even I love you too, but he doesn't. He's so tired. Maybe it's better to get some space for now.

Natsuno will think about what she said, though. He was never good at following anyone else's decisions, but... maybe he can listen to her on this one.]

[skaikru]

( sometimes, she makes good decisions that should be listened to.

and sometimes, silence is the best option anyone can take. it's better he says nothing, and better that she turns to leave before either hitting him again or dissolving into a puddle of tears and snot. it's better he doesn't return the i love you in this moment, because there's only so much of that she could take to heart after this stunt and the anxious fear of being left behind that had set in when he didn't immediately resurrect.

so, yes. space. and after a couple steps backwards, and the resounding, weighted silence between them continuing, clarke turns on her heel and storms out of 109. can these doors slam? they're on hinges, right? she's slamming the shit out of this door in her wake. )