come_sailaway | Country roads, take me home

Entry tags:

Country roads, take me home

Who: Steven Grant and open - start your own subthreads and stuff
What: Studio Ghibli movie night
Where: Cabin 135
When: early December
Warnings: none so far

After subjecting Marc and Maeve to Ghibli nights, Steven has widened his circle of suffering to include a few other people. What was going to be 'come over and watch My Neighbour Totoro?' became a proper whole evening at Steven and Marc's cabin. They spent the afternoon tidying up the room, returning a bunch of library books and keeping the rest of his stash in a corner on the other side of the bed. Clean laundry put away, a small load of dirty clothes taken down to the wash. The ankle cuff and bungee cord is stashed away in the cupboard alongside their small emergency hoard of water, snacks and food in case they have to lock themselves in their cabin one day for weeks on end. Bathroom tidied up as well, with extra toilet paper stacked on top of the cistern in anticipation of several guests.

The cabin is still small in spite of their cleanup efforts, and Steven insists on having some snacks available, so for savoury options there's baby carrots and celery sticks with hummus dip, potato skins, kumara fries and cassava chips, and mango sticky rice and pan fried cinnamon bananas for something sweet. It's not exactly going to be the healthiest night in terms of food, but half a dozen people sitting knee to knee in a claustrophobic little cabin crying at children's anime is surely going to make up for that and be healthy for all of them.

The programme for the night is Steven's Studio Ghibli box set, although he only has one DVD player and one television so they need to pick their movies wisely since they'll only be able to watch two or three. They're always welcome to come back next time to watch more. Steven's recommending more Kiki's Delivery Service and Princess Mononoke, and less Grave of the Fireflies and When Marnie Was There. They don't really want to be crying into their bowl of vegan snacks every 15 minutes...

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Maeve laughs softly. "I may have a boat full of options, but..." She shrugs. "I seem to like the oblivious or painfully avoidant ones. I was a lot more forceful with Hector, but I guess I didn't want to cause any discomfort." Because Steven is also fairly sensitive in a way and she likes that about him...but worries that she's not the sort of person that he's used to either.

"I don't mind, darling. You can hug me whenever you like." This gains him another laugh. "Well, thank you for the assurances. I'm not terribly bothered if someone does see me in a sexy manner. Perhaps not as an object, though." But it's amusing all the same. It's sweet that he's concerned about it enough to reassure her of it. "As long as you're honest with me, I think we'll be fine."

"I try to be!" Except, you know, when he thinks that telling a white lie or a lie by omission is better than the really ugly truth. Like, for example, confronting Marc about what really happened when he was possessed... or not telling him what he had found out with Deputy Pratt when they confronted the Captain before Marc found out for himself in the black binder...

He hasn't tried to 'protect' Maeve in the same manner, to be fair. He doesn't feel like he fulfills the same function for her as he does for Marc. Like-- he wasn't. Made up for her for that reason, or whatever, however stupid and irrational that thought might be. She probably doesn't have to worry about him pulling the same stunt.

Giving her a hug that lasts for a couple seconds, Steven pulls back and flashes her a small smile.

"Should we pick up some alcohol, d'you think? On our way back? Or would that be a bad idea for tonight?"

Maeve smiles a little as she looks at him. "And I do appreciate that." She looks down briefly. She doesn't really feel that she needs any sort of protection, but she understands that some do.

The hug is nice. She's getting used to the hugs here. "I could get used to more hugs," she says after a moment. "I haven't had so many of them before I got here, honestly." Which is true enough.

"Hm," she says after a moment. "We are supposed to be keeping him honest, aren't we?" There's a long pause. "Perhaps exactly one drink. That should be okay and won't mean he's getting out of control."

He thinks he's got plenty over the years, but. None of that was real. It's actually quite nice now that he's separate from Marc, and they're free to exchange hugs. Marc could use quite a few as well. Steven would gladly offer hugs, as long as there's no violence in return.

"Alright. One drink sounds fair. Maybe you could pick it out once we've got the food, seeing as you know what he likes." If it's up to Steven he'll end up getting a glass of wine or something. Strictly speaking, it's also a drink, but it won't be the one that Marc wants.

They make it to the buffet, finally, and thankfully it's quiet enough that no one would kick up a fuss about Steven and Maeve grabbing plates of comfort food. Steven wrinkles his nose at all these carbs, all this dairy, all the ultra-processed meats. Why does Marc like children's food... At least he's fetched enough meals for Marc by now to not feel queasy about all these questionable food choices.

"Was Mister Maximilien... affected by all the unpleasantries?" Maybe Maeve would be more willing to talk about her own experiences if they talk about her roommate first and then segue to her.

Maeve is not gonna violence him, so he’s safe.

“I’ll choose something. Of course.” Maeve is fairly certain that wine is not the way to go, but she’s also certain he’d accept anything Steven brought back to him.

Maeve glances over at the faces Steven is making and laughs. “Something wrong with the food, darling?”

At the question about Max, her expression softens a little. Mister Maximilien. She’s going to tell him about that one. “Not directly, no. But indirectly, yes. Since I was not myself. We’ve talked about some of what happened. But he didn’t know everything that happened.” Her expression shifts again. “I- she killed Phil. Cut his wing off and…” She frowns. “We haven’t spoken but a few texts and a short in person conversation since.” It’s obvious that it bothers her. “I don’t know everything she did. I don’t remember.”

"I don't understand how all this dairy doesn't make everybody want to just hog the toilet all the time. And you can't even see any trace of chicken in chicken nuggets. Cooked chicken meat is supposed to look-- stringy or wha'ever. God only knows what's actually in them." It's probably not actually possible that Steven is lactose intolerant and Marc isn't. Not when they have shared the same body in the past, although with all the months that have passed, they are starting to look different now. Although he tends to prefer baggier clothes, Steven and his love of lounging around with his favourite book has clearly lost some of Marc's hard-earned muscle.

"I see." This is a difficult one, as everyone might have only had fleeting encounters with her at one or two points throughout that time, and won't be able to give her the full picture of everything.

"You know I-- used to get blackouts. We both did, Marc and I. We'd lose chunks of time and wake up somewhere else, having lost a day or three, and not knowing what happened, how we got there, who we might have done what with. It's really terrifying, especially when we know that we've hurt people. But, say you manage to piece everything together. What would you do with all that knowledge? You can't change what she did. You can't exactly apologise and say, I know she did that, but that wasn't me, but I'm sorry either way, unless you want to make everyone feel worse about it. If knowing is just going to make you feel guilty, and terrible, and there's nothing you can do about her, then maybe you don't have to go down this neverending rabbit hole of trying to figure out everything and anything that's happened during that time. Maybe it's alright, to accept that bad things have happened, and you weren't in control at the time, and it's happened to a lot of people. While you don't know about them yet, you'll just deal with them as bits and pieces from the fallout start coming to the surface, and that's not a reflection of who you are, or your unwillingness to face the truth."

Maeve laughs softly. "Well, some people just like different things. I've tried almost everything at least once." She doesn't have any real hang ups about food, but then...she doesn't really have the same social experiences as others do. "I guess it doesn't matter if he likes them?"

She nods a little as he starts talking about the blackouts. She frowns a little. She's only ever lost memories without knowing about it, but this is the first time that she's just...never regained memories of it afterwards. "I'm sorry you've experienced them." Not that she can change that for them. Though, as he keeps talking, her gaze falls. She knows he's not wrong, but it doesn't help the desire to know everything that happened so she can know the fall out that she's dealing with. "I just...I'd rather know if something happened so I know if there's going to be some level of awkwardness involved. I can deal with it if there is. I can handle the guilt of it if I have to."

It doesn't make it easy. "I don't know."

Not knowing is one of the hardest parts of being... sick? Unwell? Mentally different from everyone else? It all sounds so judgemental and negative when, for the most part, it hasn't really been that bad. They've learned to work as a system. There's a lot left to figure out but it's just a different way of being. Marc just-- needs some patience, some love, that's all.

"I'm sorry I don't have all the answers." Steven shrugs as they get to the bar to pick up Marc's drink on their way back. "I wish someone did. I think it's important to take stock of how you feel, and not focus so much on what she did to other people, how she made them feel. Maybe you're-- fixated on her so that you don't have to deal with yourself. That's not-- exactly healthy, either. This is something traumatic and violating and wrong that happened to you too, not just something someone masquerading as you has inflicted upon others."

Maeve nods. "It's okay, darling. Things happen sometimes." It's exhausting, but it can't stay that way. Probably. "I can't expect anyone else to solve my problems." And then he says more and she flinches slightly.

Oh.

Is that what she was doing? She's never considered that. "I...hm." She frowns. "I guess I hadn't considered it like that." She looks over at him for a moment. "It's just hard to worry about me. There are other people involved." But Maeve knows he's thinking about her and...it's nice. "I'm...I'll try."

He would give her a reassuring touch on the arm if he had a free hand. As it is, he's occupied with the food and can't manage Marc's drink, and has to rely on Maeve to help.

"On any other night, it's just the two of us. You're welcome over, if you want to talk. Our cabin is a safe space for talking." Or at least, Steven has been trying to establish that for as long as he's been around. To limited success, it seems, with how reluctant Marc continues to be about opening up.

"Or, y'know, if the two of you want to do stuff." 'She was on top of me strangling me' type stuff, he means. "I can go to the library. Leave you two to it."

Maeve looks at Steven in surprise this time. Was he suggesting..."Wait. So you..." This is actually not how she expected this conversation to go, so her brain is still catching up. Forgive her unusual confusion. "Oh. So you..." Goodness. This is just as bad as when she was talking to Ruby.

"You're fine with that? If I was with both of you?"

It's Steven's turn to be confused. Mostly because, even now, he doesn't think of himself as a separate entity from Marc. He's still a part of that fractured psyche, just-- through the magic of this place or whatever, he happens to have his own body right now. Most of the time when he talks to Marc, lies with him in bed, nuzzles in the shower, it feels like home, inside Marc's head, not like they're on board another evil magician's toy boat getting played with.

"Um... y... es? You-- we-- I mean." Steven squints a bit. "You have to. Have us both at the same time." Steven is perhaps not realising how weird that sounds.

Maeve is just going to stand here for a moment and let herself process this. She hasn't considered this as a thing. She'd figured they were now their own people and might prefer not to date the same person. She hasn't considered that they were two people that were just going to date the same person. But perhaps that is because she sees them as two fully formed and different people and not two halves of one person.

"I suppose we're all lucky, then, that I've been harboring crushes on both of you. Or this might have gotten a bit tricky." She laughs then, mostly a reflex. "And this whole time I've been concerned about this. How unusual."

Marc is probably worried about the same thing, and both wanting Steven to be his own person and live his own life but at the same time unwilling or unable to let him go too far or suppress his possessive tendencies over his wayward other personality.

Steven is unable to hold back the laugh and the dreamy sigh when she says she has a crush on Marc. "I mean, I imagine a lot of people do. He's annoying but in that-- strong, silent, taciturn alpha male protagonist in a bodice ripper romance novel kind of way."

Is this getting too weird? It probably is for some people. But it's hard to be made to love and protect Marc and then... not love or want to protect him.

"Marc kept me from his wife, so." It's easy to see how Steven thinks of himself as an aberration, an illness, a dirty little secret he keeps trying to hide for Marc by being his 'twin brother' or whatever best lie happens to suit their needs at the time. "I'd say starting on an honest footing is miles better."

Maeve considers this for a long moment before laughing herself. Once again. "I have been reading quite a few of the romance novels out of boredom and I suppose you're not wrong. But there is a gentleness there, too. Sometimes. When he wants there to be or he doesn't have his walls up." She sighs. "But I guess he does remind me a little of Hector in some ways. They are not the same people, naturally. But the rough edges do it for me, I guess."

She looks over at Steven. "But all this time, I thought it amusing that you were the only one to ask me on anything even resembling a date. No one else ever did. But I'm glad you did. Even if you never called them that. Hang outs."

As for the other stuff... "That can't have been easy. To be a secret. But yes. Honest footing is much better. It works easier. And we can...talk about how we want things to work if Marc is also interested."

"Oh yeah. I could imagine. He's bleeding out of six holes missing an eye but he'll stand there like -" Steven takes in a deep breath and straightens up, making his shoulders broad and puffing his chest out, lowering his voice to Batman octave. "I'm fine. I'll walk it off." Steven grunts and deflates, slumping a bit as they pick up Marc's beer and continue trudging back to the room.

"Meanwhile there's me whimpering when I've stubbed my toe and Marc comes running." Steven frowns. No amount of hours at the gym would make him less upset about stubbing a toe. It really hurts, you know...

"I thought you'd want to hang out but a date seems... you know. Really serious, like I'd have to dress up, and come up with conversation topics, and make you laugh, and then maybe you'd expect-- um. For us to. You know. I'd walk you back to your room and you'd say 'Steven that was a really nice night' and I would have to." Steven swallows and averts his gaze, voice growing softer and softer. "You know. Kiss you. And ask you, like. If you wanted to. Shag but I can't say shag so I'd have to come up with like. Something like. Some stupid pickup line that had a 80% chance of not landing and honestly I'm not ready to like. I haven't a clue how to make love. To anyone. But if I didn't offer then you'd think I wasn't interested." Feel free to stop him talking, since he's obviously overthought this to a rather extreme degree. And he could obviously keep going if she doesn't cut him off.

Maeve nearly starts laughing at that moment. "What sort of things you must picture on any given day." The picture alone is definitely something. Of course, she's been the one with the multiple bullet holes and still moving forward. So she supposes anything is possible."

"It's all right, darling. Sometimes you hurt yourself and it happens."

Maeve gives him a look then, because he's really terribly adorable. "Darling, I would never make you do anything you weren't comfortable with or ready to do." She leans over as carefully as possible to kiss his cheek. "Stop overthinking. We can start spending more time together. You don't need to stress yourself out by dressing up fancy or coming up with conversation topics. We can just...spend time together. And if you want to try kissing or something else, we'll go at your speed. And you can tell me if you're not comfortable with anything at any time and I will stop. Honest conversation is important in these situations. And I want you to be honest with me."

There's a beat. "And, if you aren't ever interested in anything sexual, that's also okay. Our relationship can be anything we want it to be, okay?"

He definitely has a rather vivid imagination, maybe because of all the books he's read or all the strange and fantastical things that have happened since his discovery of Marc. He'd probably be a better writer than Lee, to be honest, but maybe for Wackyworld.

"Alright." He nods a few times and smiles a bit to himself. Her assurances do take a load off his mind. He finds navigating these kinds of complex social interactions difficult, but maybe it doesn't have to be, especially with someone like Maeve who can probably see some of the silliness that's been coded into her program.

Anyway, Marc's been. Showing him some stuff. Enlightening him on the... sexual side of things, one little revelation at a time. It's very different from the spicy romance novel. Steven doesn't not like it. He just needs a bit more time and familiarity and confidence.

"Are we bringing Marc along for our date then? Or are we leaving him at home?" He doesn't mind either way but Marc's idea of a date is probably rock-climbing or weight-lifting, whiskey tasting night or surviving two hours at the OK Corral. They'd both give her very different experiences. "You could go out with him on another day, if you'd both rather do something different. Let him treat you nice." He's nice, for all the bodice ripper romance novel alpha male vibes he gives off.

Maeve doesn't have a full grasp of her coding, but she does understand that there's not enough time in the day to stare at it for too long. She's rather exhausted just thinking about it.

"Mmm. Maybe we can plan some group dates, but I think our first date should be just us and I can plan a first date with Marc as well." She realizes that she's never actually been technically romanced. She just had feelings for Hector and refused to let them write her out of their relationship. "You know...I've never been on an actual date before. I don't even know what to expect."

"Well, they're. Terrible and awkward and expensive." Especially for Steven since he lost his job just before he came here. "You have to dress up and go somewhere nice. Pretend you're ten times more interesting than you really are. Hope there's some common ground you can talk about to pass the night. If she spends half the night on her phone instead of with you then, you know. It's a wee bit humiliating." Steven shrugs. "Often you're not looking for the same things in other people either. I mean just imagine there's seven billion people and you're looking for 'The One'."

Not to mention all the social expectations, the gendered expectations, and Steven's imaginary mother would have probably wanted her nice Jewish boy to find someone within the community which is just that little bit more degrading if things go south and rumours get spread.

"I went on a date, with. The bloke who took Marc's body out for a spin." Steven flashes her a tight-lipped smile. "It was really nice," he whispers quietly. There's trouble in paradise.

"Well, at least we've avoided the expensive part." But this certainly sounds generally displeasing. "And I already know you're plenty interesting." There's a brief moment as she tries to understand the general idea of 'The One'. It seems like a daunting experience. The idea that everyone has one person for the rest of forever. Not that she imagines she's liable to look for romance for a while, but who knows?

"Oh." She considers that information for a moment. "Well...I'm glad you had a nice time. What did you do? What made it enjoyable for you?" This is both to understand so she might point out ideas in a very casual manner for Marc and also so she understands what he might like in a date herself. She's never planned one, but she's got an idea sort of lingering in her mind.

She has absolutely no intention of letting Steven be the only one making date plans in this relationship.

Yeah, well. At least they've moved on from Mr. Right to Mr. Right Now. It's a bit easier to just find someone who suits you and what you need for your current circumstances, and be open to going with the flow as things change. Otherwise, you're kind of buggered if there's only one out of seven billion people out there that you have to find. What if The One is Wakandan? You'd have a less than zero chance of ever finding them.

"I'm not. I thought it was Marc. And that he'd changed. And that he was being open and honest and communicative with me. Like we'd hit a breakthrough and Marc finally trusted me enough to let me in. But it wasn't Marc. He lied to my face! And I believed him because I wanted to believe that Marc would finally be at peace one day, and be willing to open up to me, and I refused to see that it wasn't him. And people are like, 'how could you not have known?' Like, what, I'm supposed to believe that Marc would never trust me with his feelings or Marc would never be that happy one day?" Maeve is probably regretting asking, but Steven has too much pent up frustration over this to let it go.

"And now I feel like I've betrayed Marc, like. I should've tried to break him out or something. And instead I just-- we just had a really nice time together and we even nearly did-- butt stuff!" Yes, he's calling it 'butt stuff'. Safe to say there will be no 'butt stuff' until Steven can use adult words for adult activities. "And I can't talk about it with Marc because he hardly even talks to me right now. What if he thinks I like the other bloke more?" The crux of the problem being that Steven did like the man he thought Marc had become.

This is...a lot.

Maeve takes a deep breath in even though she doesn't technically need to breath. Still. It does seem necessary for the moment and to address the current topic. "I'm not certain you could have broken us out, darling. We weren't in our bodies while it was happening. There's no knowing what would have happened and you wouldn't want to have..." Killed him. She's fully aware that Steven is not the murdering type, which is why Maeve and Marc likely will have to be and even Marc might have more concerns on that front. Maeve won't.

As for the aforementioned 'butt stuff', Maeve is just going to stare at a point in front of her and not comment on the fact that he said 'butt stuff' to her. It's fine. It's just...obvious how much more innocent he is than either her or Marc at this point. It's also obvious that she's going to need to have a discussion with both of them about open and honest communication.

"Darling, I know it's going to be...complicated...but I think it is going to be important for you and Marc if you're both open and honest about what you want from one another. You don't have to address the elephant in the room just now, but the other stuff, I think you should. And I'll tell him the same. That communication is important. Because...it is." She looks over at him. "I may be new to relationships, but I have seen more than a few things happen that might not have without some conversation."

There's a brief pause and she slows down just a smidge. "I'm sorry you were disappointed, darling. And that you feel like you're being held at arm's length. If you need to talk about things, you're more than welcome to come to the room or we can walk around the deck together. But I do think you have to address it eventually before it becomes resentment. Or at least before the resentment turns into something harder to work through."

Steven frowns and drags his feet a little. He's not keen on having this conversation. Marc's been avoiding it a bit too. It's supposed to be a festive, happy time of year to spend with loved ones but instead they're awkwardly avoiding said elephant in the room and Marc feels more distant than ever.

"But I'm. Supposed to protect him." Even if that means Steven has been protecting Marc from the truth. That's the function he has served all his life. And Marc's been doing the same for him. Being honesty with each other is not always their strong suit, much as they want it from others, want it from each other sometimes.

"And I don't want him to feel like he hasn't been treating me right. He has. He just--" The man pretending to be Marc was more subtle, more experienced, more mature, more nuanced about it. He protected, but never coddled. He let Steven venture out on his own and make mistakes and was always there to pick him up if he stumbled, but he never tried to prevent harm from befalling Steven at all, or tell him what he could and couldn't do. He trusted that Steven would go out and experience everything this little made up world had to offer, encouraged him even to go out on his own, but he was always self-assured that Steven would come back to him, even if he would be sporting some scrapes and bruises and a kind of strength of character he didn't have before.

Most of all, Steven felt more of an equal with him. There was more confiding in each other than just Steven rambling on to a grunting, stonewalling zombie.

"...I don't know. I felt like less of a burden." Steven swallows and shrugs. He doesn't want Maeve to worry about them so he shakes his head and forces a smile. "I think. Once I figure out what I should tell him, I'll talk to him. Don't worry. We should be-- more worried about us and what we're going to do. I mean you don't even need to eat so I guess that's the usual first dinner date out the window."

Maeve is aware of how displeased he is. Body language is hard to not read on a daily basis and she can read his much easier than most.

"Darling..." She gives him a pointed look. "Protecting him at your own detriment is not helpful. For you or for him." Especially if they were trying to be in a relationship together, too. It only sows resentment. Like she's said.

She listens, waiting for him to finish his thought, not really expecting the end of the sentence as much, but... "I think you're both so used to being two people in the same body you're still figuring out how to be two individual people in different bodies." Maybe putting them together was unkind in a way. Didn't really give them independence. "I think I'm going to be worried about both of you, but we can still be worried about us, too." She wishes she had her hands a little more free. "I can still eat, though, so if you want to do dinner, we still could."

Country roads, take me home

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