Lieutenant Ari Tayrey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
astrogator) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
come_sailaway2023-05-10 11:44 am
astrogator) wrote in come_sailaway2023-05-10 11:44 am
We'd be alright if the wind were in our sails
Who: Arilanna Tayrey and You!
What: She's still alive and she has a lot of feelings about this (aftermath of event)
When: Post-event, catch-all for May
Where: Outside her cabin, shops, bars, lounge, around the ship in general
Warnings: She's likely to be depressive, possible talk of suicide and oblivion, property damage with a gun, will update with anything else.
1. another night in jail wouldn't do us any harm [existing CR, outside her cabin/texts]
[Sparkles vanished. She can't fault the decision; she'd want to vanish too, if they'd been in each other's places. What this tells her, however, is that there's nothing more she can do right now. Exhausted, Tayrey retreats to her cabin. Some good has been done here, she knows. The dimmed lights are testament to that. The tormented souls are free. But Ari Tayrey herself? She's right back where she started, trapped on this ship, surrounded by people who are now even more pleased to be there than before. Happy prisoners.
She can't bear to be around them. She can't bear to be around anyone, it's as if the lack of privacy she had no choice but to endure has rubbed every nerve raw, and she needs to recover. She scrubs herself clean, getting rid of every trace of sand, every trace of that ordeal. Before she sleeps, she barricades the door, just in case there's anyone cruel enough to try to disturb her.
Talk to her through the door, if you're not worried about making a habit of it. Or text her. Either way, nobody's getting in for several days.]
2. a bottle of rum wouldn't do us any harm [open, shops or bars]
[When she finally ventures outside again, it's for a perfunctory look around, an assessment of what she's missed. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the supply issues catch her attention first. For now, she's not personally worried. Her stockpiles are very healthy – but she's also aware that they're not infinite, and what is currently an erratic restocking system might quickly get worse.
Find her with a backpack, filling it with whatever looks useful. Depending on where you are, that might be packaged food, or it might be alcohol. Brandy and port and beer. This isn't done in busy areas, but she's not really trying to hide it either. In fact, if anyone approaches her, she'll raise a hand in greeting. No smile, though. She's busy.]
3. if the devil's in the road we'll roll it over him [open, various places]
[She's heard it all now. That Yato never returned from that room. That neither did Shiranui. Incongruously, her first reaction was anger. How could he do that? Confess his feelings for her, leave her no choice but to disappoint him, and then disappear? It isn't right. Ari's emotions are so conflicted she struggles to unpick them at all. She's grieving for the loss of a friend, but also for the loss of something that could never have existed, no matter what she felt for him.
She'd been careless. This is why Tradeliners don't get attached.
Her only solution is to keep herself busy. Even more patrols of the ship than before, and long hours bent over her astronomy texts as if she and not Crichton were the one with hidden knowledge that sufficient effort might reveal. Once, she even falls asleep over an open book in the lounge – something she'll be very flustered over if anyone ventures to wake her.
Or find Ari sitting on the ground, gun in her hand, firing short blasts at a nearby wall. The dark scorch marks leave patterns, and she links them together with a thick marker pen. Star charts. Trading lines. A map writ large, drawn out on a ship that no longer seems to be mending itself. An image in reverse, a negative, bright stars rendered as dark stains, signs of damage. And yet it's all very careful, very precise, and there's a strange sort of beauty in it, for those willing to see it.
If she's approached, she'll lower the gun, give the person an expectant look.]
or a wildcard
[Contact me via PM or at![[plurk.com profile]](https://plurk.com/favicon.ico)
MillisaK for a custom starter or to discuss other ideas!]
What: She's still alive and she has a lot of feelings about this (aftermath of event)
When: Post-event, catch-all for May
Where: Outside her cabin, shops, bars, lounge, around the ship in general
Warnings: She's likely to be depressive, possible talk of suicide and oblivion, property damage with a gun, will update with anything else.
1. another night in jail wouldn't do us any harm [existing CR, outside her cabin/texts]
[Sparkles vanished. She can't fault the decision; she'd want to vanish too, if they'd been in each other's places. What this tells her, however, is that there's nothing more she can do right now. Exhausted, Tayrey retreats to her cabin. Some good has been done here, she knows. The dimmed lights are testament to that. The tormented souls are free. But Ari Tayrey herself? She's right back where she started, trapped on this ship, surrounded by people who are now even more pleased to be there than before. Happy prisoners.
She can't bear to be around them. She can't bear to be around anyone, it's as if the lack of privacy she had no choice but to endure has rubbed every nerve raw, and she needs to recover. She scrubs herself clean, getting rid of every trace of sand, every trace of that ordeal. Before she sleeps, she barricades the door, just in case there's anyone cruel enough to try to disturb her.
Talk to her through the door, if you're not worried about making a habit of it. Or text her. Either way, nobody's getting in for several days.]
2. a bottle of rum wouldn't do us any harm [open, shops or bars]
[When she finally ventures outside again, it's for a perfunctory look around, an assessment of what she's missed. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the supply issues catch her attention first. For now, she's not personally worried. Her stockpiles are very healthy – but she's also aware that they're not infinite, and what is currently an erratic restocking system might quickly get worse.
Find her with a backpack, filling it with whatever looks useful. Depending on where you are, that might be packaged food, or it might be alcohol. Brandy and port and beer. This isn't done in busy areas, but she's not really trying to hide it either. In fact, if anyone approaches her, she'll raise a hand in greeting. No smile, though. She's busy.]
3. if the devil's in the road we'll roll it over him [open, various places]
[She's heard it all now. That Yato never returned from that room. That neither did Shiranui. Incongruously, her first reaction was anger. How could he do that? Confess his feelings for her, leave her no choice but to disappoint him, and then disappear? It isn't right. Ari's emotions are so conflicted she struggles to unpick them at all. She's grieving for the loss of a friend, but also for the loss of something that could never have existed, no matter what she felt for him.
She'd been careless. This is why Tradeliners don't get attached.
Her only solution is to keep herself busy. Even more patrols of the ship than before, and long hours bent over her astronomy texts as if she and not Crichton were the one with hidden knowledge that sufficient effort might reveal. Once, she even falls asleep over an open book in the lounge – something she'll be very flustered over if anyone ventures to wake her.
Or find Ari sitting on the ground, gun in her hand, firing short blasts at a nearby wall. The dark scorch marks leave patterns, and she links them together with a thick marker pen. Star charts. Trading lines. A map writ large, drawn out on a ship that no longer seems to be mending itself. An image in reverse, a negative, bright stars rendered as dark stains, signs of damage. And yet it's all very careful, very precise, and there's a strange sort of beauty in it, for those willing to see it.
If she's approached, she'll lower the gun, give the person an expectant look.]
or a wildcard
[Contact me via PM or at
Re: 3.
[She shakes her head, and adds, with a flash of dark humor:] Drawing a map home from here would require knowing exactly where here is, and I'd need a bigger canvas. Two extra dimensions at least.
[She's impressed, all the same, that Ava knew instantly that it was purposeful, not just some frustrated graffiti.]
no subject
Were you able to visit it, within those memory cracks?
no subject
[After a pause.] I visited it. My ship, over and over. Of course I could rarely talk to anyone, didn't want to cause a paradox, but I was there. I was home.
I couldn't do what Jenny did. Maybe at first, but now I'm not- [Strong? Determined? Fixated?] -ruthless enough. Do you think people know, if they're starting to go mad?
no subject
Mn, I visited a childhood memory of mine. Over and over again, despite knowing that our dreams were being fed upon. I avoided interacting on principle. And then I did anyway. My younger self asked if it was a 'pair of ducks.' [small snort, shaking her head.]
But nothing actually went wrong because of it. My true past is unaltered, even with that... contradiction floating around in my memories. [but she supposes that doesn't do much to reassure Ari now, what she could have done, now that the opportunity is gone.]
Sometimes I think I still could. Given the circumstances. I think most everyone has that capacity. That's why I pay attention to people's priorities, what they're motivated by, what they're afraid of. [a shrug.]
But yes, in the beginning stages while you still have remnants of sanity. I think you can catch yourself in the midst of or after. It's when you're unable to differentiate anymore...
no subject
She smiles at the 'pair of ducks'] No, I never thought anything we did would alter our primary timelines. Doubled memories are the worst it gets. Were you happy, when you were visiting? In our situation, we have to take what happiness we can get.
[It would have been easy to interact, to change things, but she didn't want to cause that trauma to other, younger versions of herself, in whatever parallel timelines they were creating. It was all real to her.]
It's smart, paying attention to people that way. But that's how I know I don't have that capacity - because if I did, I'd have done it already, and I'd be home. [A bitter little laugh.] Condemning dozens of other people to a fate I'm terrified of, though? I can't do it. Even if there's a good chance they'll all end up there anyway. There, that's Tradeline morality.
no subject
Thanks. For expressing yourself and keeping it calm while others were trying to provoke. I was up there, with Fio. To wake her up. I'm glad the two of you could defuse the situation. My attempts weren't... so successful.
But I have no idea what's next. Where we go from here.
[an awkward sort of shuffle.] The childhood memory I kept visiting was the day of my father's lab accident, the explosion that killed my parents. And made me this way. [the whole broken hologram quality...] Not quite happy. But it was more... closure I was trying to find. But you're right. I'm trying to grasp at what happiness I can. And I think people keep mistaking it for something else.
no subject
It's good that you woke Fio. I think I had a good chance of closing the negotiations, but it wasn't certain. She did something that I couldn't have. She's a very brave girl.
What we do now? We look for freedom. [She's still not terribly impressed with Ava for having swiftly turned Skulduggery's call for unity in the waiting room into horribly partisan pleading to save our Captain, but she can look past it now. There are greater concerns.] Like I said to Sparkles. We find a way off this damned ship. I go home to my people. You go somewhere safe with Skulduggery and Fio and Peter Smith and whoever else you like. There are countless timelines, countless universes, you'll find one where you can live, and be happy.
[Then, far more softly:] When you went back, did you manage to save your parents, and your younger self? Was that the closure?
no subject
She's a very brave and wonderful girl. I always wish I could do better by her. But I had been too afraid to let her seek out Sparkles on her own.
[she's humiliated enough already by having dared allowed herself to ask for help from the entity she knows provides so much for the ship, has long suspected that the sundries gifts they receive are somehow influenced by the passengers subconscious. so she only has herself to blame for why she's received so few, can never manage to will anything into existence the way others like Klaus so easily do.
so it had been a desperate plea, because the Captain himself had once told her that the way he communicated with the Erda was by speaking to it. but he had told her that only he knew how, and so she tried the only method she could think of at the time. and failed. all she had wanted was for something to take mercy upon them, before it was too late and she lost everything she loved. and the Captain's safety was the only way to keep reality from collapsing in on itself completely. but she knows Ari is the last to care about such a thing. but for Ava, this reality is all she has. the only place she's safe.
so she shakes her head.] I know the rest of you want to leave. But this... I'm happy to stay here. Until the Captain finds a way to fix me.
And I told my younger self how to do it. How to prevent the explosion and save them. Because I think... she needed the win more than I did.
no subject
[She had been prepared for this universe to end, as they all stood waiting. She hadn't welcomed it; she's not nihilistic in that way, but she accepted it as the best option, in the way that she'd accept that a quick death on your own ship is preferable to being taken captive by pirates.
And Arilanna Tayrey would have died standing. She would not plead or beg or pray, and at the time she had nothing but scorn for those who did, although now that's been tempered by pity. How unfair it must seem that this skeptic is showered by gifts from the Erda, while others get little! But if nothing else, she's very strong-willed.]
Citizen Starr, I... I don't know the best way to say this, so please believe that I have the best intentions and I don't mean to insult you. I don't believe we should make decisions for others, if we can help it, but this - set aside our differing opinions of this ship for a moment, and look to the future. If we stay here, we all go to the Nothing. All of us, sooner or later. Including you. And that - it's sensory deprivation. Torture. For an unimaginably long time. You saw how some of the ghosts ended up, nothing left to them but confusion and violence. [Even contemplating it had sent poor Ari spiralling hard towards a breakdown. Pirates would torture you, but at least they'd end it before too long.]
Are you telling me that knowing that, you still want to stay? [It feels absurd, like - are you sure you want to go into the burning building, Citizen Starr? That's kerosene on your clothes. Something no sane person would agree to. But she's asking.]
no subject
[she frowns slightly. but she appreciates that Ari is polite enough in her opposition, in trying to get her to reconsider.] I know that. I've talked to those that experienced it. Asked the Captain why it couldn't be any other way.
But my body will slowly molecularly decay and tear itself apart out there, anywhere else. I've been on the edge of it before, where I could barely hold myself together. I rather experience Nothing than that excruciating pain ever again. The terror of my body separating apart with every movement I make. Having to spend most of my hours each day in a glass chamber, hoping the energy will be enough to let me spend a few hours outside of it.
I rather take my chances here with... at least people that care for me.
no subject
If it were only you and him on this ship, I'd still disagree, but I'd say I had no business interfering. But for you to get what you want, to stay here, keep things the same? It means other people being tortured like that too, not just you when you eventually go. Right now Shiranui is...
[No. No, she is not going to talk about that, because that makes it personal, and that's not the point. She has to stay calm. Stick to principle.]
I won't try to force you off this ship, ever. Word by contract. Your decisions are your own. But I'll do everything I can to get myself and everyone else who wants to escape away from this place, because that fate - it's one of the worst things I can imagine for myself. Worse than the most painful death, because at least that would be quick by comparison. I know you don't agree, you think the alternative's worse for you. And I'm not saying it isn't. We're individuals, we've all got our own limits. [She frowns. She wishes there were another way, something better for Ava.]
I think... there are a lot of universes out there with a lot of different natural laws. Different people. Different gods. Are you sure that this is really the only one, of all those countless variations, where your body can be stable? Because that sounds like a scientific problem to me. It's not one that I have an answer to, but if you gave me the details, I know I'd try to find one. I bet other people would too, people who might know more than me. Commander Crichton. Citizen Salazar.
no subject
When the others broke those glass tubes, the ship's power source seems to have greatly decreased. The literal lights went low. Our food supplies are being limited. Things aren't getting cleaned or repaired immediately anymore. That tells me that those souls were released, aren't being used as fuel anymore. I don't know what that means, for them or for us. But that's some sort of proof to me.
But the Captain is my friend, and I trust him with my existence more than anyone on this ship. Because he has already demonstrated ability to keep me stabilized. If he manages to find something out there that would cure me and enable me to leave. Then Peter and I have plans we've discussed. Nice ones.
no subject
Screw you, Tayrey, I don't care how terrified you are of the Nothing, I don't care if you get sent there, maybe in a few thousand years someone else will come break a tube and that might let you go.
That's how it feels. It's something of an over-reaction, not quite rational of her, but she's been close to breaking point for a long time now. Her careful attempt to look past the difficulties and her own feelings, to understand Ava's perspective and to reach out - it feels like it's been thrown in her face. No reciprocity at all.
She says none of this. She just wears that expression of shock and hurt for a long moment, and then says, with a little dip of her head:] I understand. You might want to ask that friend of yours if he's actually looking for a cure for you. Just to clarify. [And then, stiffly] I should be on patrol now. [As if there's anyone other than Tayrey herself to set her schedule. She looks away, not trusting herself to say anything more.]
no subject
No, wait. What's wrong?
I never even asked that of him. But he told me he hasn't found anything yet. I didn't even know he had been searching.
But I can't- I can't undergo medical experimentation again. I grew up in labs with people promising me the same, and they hurt and abused me. Others on this ship keep suggesting it. I can't. [near tears.]
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You...do you think I'm evil? That I'd hurt or abuse you? Maybe that's what your set think of me. That your beloved Captain not talking to me must be my fault, that I must have some terrible darkness in my past like Erin does. He's the one who tortures people!
I would never, ever do anything to you without your complete consent. That's how I am. That's how my people are. You're just rejecting... rejecting any solution that doesn't involve that man and this ship, without even looking at the possibilities. I'm not going to experiment on you. There are countless universes out there. One must have the right conditions for you to flourish. We can work out what those conditions are, by using theory. By understanding what has been done to you, and what would be needed to counter it. Doesn't matter if the person who finds the answer does it in terms of particle physics or... or a damn magic shield, Citizen Starr. So long as it works. Keeps you safe. There are a lot of people here who would want to help. If you don't trust me, if you don't like me, I'll stand clear of it. [Letting slip that she suspects it's personal, even if she doesn't know why.] But let the others try.
Because we have to get out of here. You presented the evidence. You didn't draw the conclusion. Release some souls and the lights go dim, the supplies run low. It's proof that this place runs on them. That our existence here depends on the suffering of others, and someday the lives of others here will depend on our suffering ghosts. That's how this bubble universe is sustained. That's not acceptable, is it? Any of it. That's what your friend is doing. So what's the answer? We destroy the whole thing, or we find a way out. I told Sparkles which side I'm on, and I hope... I hope I'm not wrong. I hope I don't end up being tortured in the Nothing and regretting so bitterly that I didn't tell that poor child to destroy us all when he had the chance, give us the peace of oblivion. I don't think anyone deserves that torture. Not the people here I like least. Not even the pirates! It's not acceptable. Does our captor being friendly to you change that in your eyes?
[She's still staring at the ground, and there's not much heat in her words, not much anger. Instead, Ari Tayrey sounds exhausted. Almost bewildered. As if she doesn't know where this went wrong. She knows she's talking too much. She's lost control. But Shiranui's suffering in the Nothing right now, and here's Ava talking about that monster who caused all this as her friend.]
no subject
I've had my autonomy violated my entire life, my body treated as not my own. And it's very difficult for me to continue subjecting myself to experimental procedures, especially when my right to say no is being challenged and criticized. Don't you see how that makes me uncomfortable?
Nobody here knows my medical history better than me, knows the countless years of research I've put into this. We lack the resources and proper equipment necessary to even begin, don't have access to the one place that has the type of particles that I require. One wrong test or miscalculation further damages my body beyond what it's able to repair.
It's terrifying for me, okay? I wouldn't even allow Tendi to do a scan of me. And there's nobody nicer. I appreciate that you're concerned, and willing to help. I am. I know my reasoning isn't rational to you, I'm not asking you to share my views. But please stop trying to twist it and make it personal against you. It's not.
no subject
It seemed personal. So I'm grateful to you for clarifying. Now I know it isn't. And I want to be clear myself, here - I might wish you'd change your mind, but you're right that I value choice and autonomy. I'll put my arguments to you, no harm in that, but I'd never try to force you into anything. Never. I'd consider that an absolute wrong, and I'm sorry if I gave you any other impression.
I can't imagine what you've been through. Honestly, it sounds truly terrible, and you have every right to turn down any offer of investigation from me or anyone else.
I want to... let me explain it. I've never had my rights and autonomy violated before the way that they have been here. I've never been as terrified of anything as I am of what lies ahead if I can't get out of here. Not even a fraction, and I've flown my starship in battle. So when you rejected my offer of help by saying that the person responsible for putting me in this situation is your most trusted friend? After I told you how much I feared it? It's worse than you saying either of those two things separately, you see it? I didn't know how else to take it. I'm doing my level best to find a way out of this nightmare that doesn't end with having to write any of us off as some kind of acceptable loss, and that's not easy. That doesn't mean you owe me anything, it just...
[She shakes her head.] Somehow I don't know how anyone stands any of this. For you, I think, the answer is that you've already been through worse. But I'm not myself today. I know it. [Her eyes flicker up to the pattern on the wall, scorch marks from an energy weapon.] If I've been unfair today - will you forgive me for that? I'm... I think I'm grieving. I don't- [she swipes a hand across her eyes] Can we try again another day?
no subject
But I will explore other options, I promise I haven't given up. I just unfortunately know that this isn't a problem so easily solved... It's heartbreaking, when I allow myself to get caught up in that hope. Only to have yet another cure slip away, months and years amounting to nothing until I only have days left. And I don't want to... put anyone through that again, that feeling of responsibility. Bill shouldn't have- [she cuts herself off, looking pained at the mention of Bill, remembering all that he did for her, the way he nearly took the fall for her crimes. how she begged him to go. i'm not leaving you.]
What I've experienced isn't any worse than what others have, but it has allowed me a slightly different perspective... Some of you have a home to get back to, or freedoms you are used to. This is the first time in my life I have anything actually worth living for, and no I'm not willing to throw that all away. But I know I'm likely to die soon enough. So I'm trying a different approach, trying to accept that sometimes there aren't happy endings for people like me. But that doesn't mean I have to be miserable the whole way through. I want to be grateful for what I do have.
But that's never meant as a... dismissal of how you feel about it. And I'm sorry that I presented it that way. I'm- I just mean that I know he has access to resources and knowledge spanning countless universes that the rest of us do not. That's not a moral judgment against you or anyone else, or trying to say he's better than you after what he's done. But I admit I get defensive on the matter of my health, because I am used to being dragged around by it. [her shoulders slump.] I'll try to be more careful with my phrasing.
But I forgive you, if you will me. I don't feel badly toward you. And I would like to try again. [she reaches a hand out.]
no subject
It was a simulation, Tayrey. Nobody really did it to you. It wasn't real. She tells herself all this, firmly. She has control here. What use is a Tradeliner too damaged to even greet people politely, or seal contract? She has to get past this, or she is lost.
The momentary uncertain look vanishes, and she reaches out, takes Ava's hand and shakes it firmly, her left hand reaching out to clasp the other woman's forearm briefly as she does, Tradeliner-fashion.] Yes. Peace, no bad feelings. We'll try again.
[She's grateful for that. It might be more than she deserves.] It's hard for me... to imagine people happy here. Because this is the worst thing I've ever experienced - but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't find happiness if you can. I won't pressure you on anything to do with your health. That was wrong of me. Only I really do... I have hope that there's a solution that works for all of us. Citizen Pleasant said it was possible for me to get back to my sector, you know?
[There's a little hopeful look on her face, this young woman who would ordinarily scorn Skulduggery said as proof of anything - but it's not his opinion that means the most, so much as what it revealed to her. That they needn't be in opposition. That they might someday work for a shared goal.]
Right now I only... well, I was very fond of Shiranui. [And he's gone.] But I shouldn't let my emotion get the better of me. It isn't very professional.
no subject
Being happy isn't easy for me. [while it's true that this is the happiest she's ever been, Ava is still struggling quite a bit with a lifetime of depression. there's still days it's difficult to get out of bed. but she does, because she knows Peter would worry and that would make her feel even worse. it's hard when people hold it against her, see her happiness as some selfish thing at the expense of everyone else. when the universe has done everything possible to make her miserable.]
I've lost people along the way too, and I'm sorry. About Shiranui. [frowns.] I appreciate that you shared how you feel with me. And listened in return. I hope you rest up, and be easy on yourself while you recover.
no subject
I'm sorry for the people you lost, too. None of this is easy. But I can't rest. I have to work. I have to do something useful with my time, otherwise I'll end up even worse. [She has to push herself until she's too exhausted to be afraid or regretful or lost.] I appreciate the thought, all the same.
no subject