(open.) in spite of ourselves

[decrypter]

who: helena and others!
what: variety catchall for the month.
when: end of july/ all of august.
where: across the boat.
warnings: likely discussions of death.

Comments

[moonlesstides]

~...Pact with me. We can trade places. One goes, and the other stays, to help and to anchor. We are caught again in a game of sacrifice but if I am no longer your enemy then let me be your teammate.~

[decrypter]

She shakes her head, poking the cheek of the frog plush.

"I would be unable to hold myself to it. Better me than those who have reason to stay behind. The more the willing can go, the less we need to fear that the unwilling will be made to."

Unspoken, the fact that she's good at this. She knows the routine. They both do, just from opposite ends.

"Only when something roots me in place would I refrain. But it would leave me feeling like others were dying for my sake."

I realize a lot of these are short tags but this is kinda the vibe rn

[moonlesstides]

~I killed you often enough for my own sake. For fear of the penalty, for rage, to win. Is it such a terrible thing to you if I die for your sake every so often?~

[decrypter]

"I don't want you to die for my sake. I can pay my own way on this vessel."

Even as she says it, she knows it won't make the other woman happy. It doesn't make any of her friends happy. It doesn't make her happy. But it's better to be able to stay behind. To have a choice, instead of the Captain's hand being moved to disperse them all in misery.

"Don't die because you think you need to atone that way. Die because you want to keep hold of what this place offers to you, to me, to all of us, because you have friends who aren't as good at dying as me who will need to stay behind. Die because we will eventually find the shore, and we need to keep the ship sustained until then."

[moonlesstides]

~Helena, if I thought dying made a sufficient apology I would have done that far earlier. It feels as if you are not grasping my position on this matter, and while your wisdom is pleasing to hear this is quite frustrating to me.~

Grace shifts in place, leaning her harpoon back against her shoulder; it tinks against the washing machine. ~You are one of the things I wish to keep hold of. To preserve, and to see thrive. How will you find time to grow if you feed yourself into its gaping maw month after month? What will become of your becoming? Our very first argument was about this and you are still all too eager to die when your friends and allies would be better served if you lived. I...can only apologize in advance for the words I am about to say, but I know no others that we will both understand. You are playing a losing game, Helena.~

[decrypter]

The words hurt, as Grace knows they will. They hurt, because she can't fight them off. She was doomed to lose from the moment she stepped into the match, and she knows, but she has to keep running. There is no other option.

"And what would I do, while they died on my behalf? Write about their pain? Sit there counting the hours until their return? I do something beneficial, if I add to the fuel."

Usually, it does not bother her, everything she cannot do. Today it does, right now it does - that crushing feeling of needing to keep moving, lest everything she doesn't want to address comes back.

"I want to be out of here, Grace - you can't fathom how much. Somewhere I can be with those I love, those I care for, where they know joy instead of fear. I need this ship to keep carrying me there. If the engine's gears have to be greased with my blood, then they have to. I want to live so badly that I will die as many times as it takes to get there. It's...selfish of me, I know."

[moonlesstides]

~I am asking only that you reconsider your strategies. This game changes, you have said. We must change with it.~

Beat. Grace's next words are almost rushed. ~I fell in battle with a fierce golden warrior, whose voice is strange and rolling. Not an old man, but a young one, who was kind enough to grant a swift death when I asked. He reminds me some of both the Antiquarian and the Forward, but mightier of the arm than either. I wish to thank him, but do you know this warrior? Will he understand?~

[decrypter]

"You will have to point him out to me, if you see him. If I know him then, I will tell you. But I believe anyone here would understand - a quick death is a true mercy, when the alternative is extended suffering."

Bleeding out, or the agonized crawling when someone was feeling a bit too sadistic, or the slow build up of pain. There are many unpleasant routes to death.

"...Is it strange, if I say I'm glad for you?"

[moonlesstides]

~Why should it be? I learned what I wanted to, and I am glad of it, even if the journey there was...unpleasant. I will not make haste to die again, but as you have said, the ship must sail on. I am no god, but if I can help to grant your boon, I shall. Perhaps I might be fortunate enough that we run ashore in a place that will not see a monster when they look upon me.~

[decrypter]

"Do you think you are seen as a monster here?"

Here, where the definition of a person yields the word human as unnecessary.

[moonlesstides]

Grace doesn't answer out loud. She lets out a shaky breath, kept quiet as all the sounds of her murdered voice are, before she reaches out and taps Helena's far arm.

Hug? Is that okay?

Are we friends enough for that?

[decrypter]

She turns towards Grace, not fully understanding, but trying to. What is it? What does she need right now?

[moonlesstides]

~I. Would like to hug you. I have discovered hugs recently and they are. Good.~

[decrypter]

There's a heartbeat there, where Grace might think she's being rejected. That a hug is too far, too forward for her, that it can't be so.

But then Helena is turning more fully, and the hesitation in her movement, her arms, can be read more for what it is. She doesn't know how Grace wants to be held - if there are old wounds to avoid, if there's something she has to do. It's awkward, and it's strange, but she'll try - she'll try.

[moonlesstides]

Grace just kinda gently pulls Helena against herself, squeezing her arm in gratitude. Hugs are...they are very good.

~...I would have made you the same offer, if I'd found you. I was trying not to stray too far from a friend new to either of us, the man Yufei. He does not know how to swim but also does not seem to need to breathe.~

[decrypter]

"I would have had to refuse you. I had to make sure my death was something without mercy. You would have offered too much kindness."

Slowly, she moves to hug the other woman back, closing her arms around her. It's still strange, she can't deny that, to freely embrace her. But touch grounds, touch allows one to know where they are. And Grace needs to know she's here, not there.

[moonlesstides]

~...Kindness...but it would have failed to support you. And yet, if I gave you what you needed, would we still be friends now?~

[decrypter]

"Could you have done it? Truly hunted me, as the ship was falling apart?"

Struck that terror and agitation into her heart again, while they both knew they were doomed.

[moonlesstides]

~...No. Not without certain vows first, but also...that arena favored me greatly. There would have been no time for a proper hunt, and nearly nothing at stake. Who would you protect? What objectives could you achieve or be denied? If you are to ask me for what the Manor offered, in sacrifice to our new home, there must be something on the line. Our dread penalties were once enough, but they are gone, and never more.~

[decrypter]

"Then you see why I would have had to refuse you. You could not give me what I needed. I had to die in misery, Grace, and I did."

She exhales slowly, gently putting her head on the fish woman's shoulder.

[moonlesstides]

~It would be a miserable thing for me, to kill you again here in this place where my liberation is promised. But if you ask...if you ask, I will answer. On the condition that it is you who tells others of the request. I can only hope you understand this.~

Grace's gaze drifts down. ~Jack is a good frog. He does not complain of being hugged tight and greets the world with much joy.~

[decrypter]

"Like my rabbits," she murmurs, feeling where the plush is squished between them from the hug. They didn't ask for more from her than to be held, and their softness brings her happiness.

"...I promise you, I will only ask you to kill me if I have no other way to bring the grief I need to. And I will tell those who asked that it was my choice, my responsibility. They can't fault you if it is my decision."

[moonlesstides]

~Not wholly your decision. The length of our new chains stretches to the right of refusal, but perhaps it will be easier for them to bear if it is known that we are of one mind. I will not go back to that wretched Manor, Helena. I would go finally and completely mad to feel its shackles again.~

[decrypter]

"We will not go back."

She says it with the utter certainty she feels, the one that tells her that the other Helena has not been broken yet.

"I know, I fear it too. But then I remind myself, we cannot. It is impossible. And it is a comfort to remember it every time."

[moonlesstides]

Grace's weight shifts slightly; she's turning to look at Helena. ~Impossible...I do not doubt the truth of your words, but how?~