come_sailaway | You saw my pain, washed out in the rain (OPEN)

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You saw my pain, washed out in the rain (OPEN)

Who: Arilanna Tayrey and YOU!
Where: The infirmary
When: Early October
What: Visit her! Or visit the infirmary for another reason and notice her.
Warnings: Head injury and its consequences, discussion of violence, possession, and the ethics of torture.
Notes: Also works as a catch-all for later threads when she's better!

1. But you saw no fault, no cracks in my heart

[This is what it takes to get Lieutenant Tayrey to actually rest. A nasty head injury with concussion. She's been in and out of consciousness for days, and while she's out of danger now, she's staying put. This is new territory; while the infirmary is well-supplied and Doctor Watson is very competent, the resources here don't compare to the advanced technology of the Tradelines. Her genetic enhancements protect her, mean that she heals quickly, but she can't tell just how long it might take - and given what she witnessed on her visits to Earth's past, she's very worried about infection.

That and function, although she's held off on running cognitive tests on herself just yet, in case the medicines she's taking have some side-effects. (She needn't worry, Cardalek genetics are more impressive than even Miri Carrington realised, and she'll be fine.)

Now, however, she's well enough to sit up in bed, her head bandaged. Despite everything, she's still wearing her Tradeline jacket. It keeps her warm, and it's a comfort, and now that she's feeling a little better, she's once again concerned with the impression she's giving. It's her intention to stay as cheerful as she can, not complain about the pain or the unfairness of the situation. Physical injury was always a hazard of her job, and she'd been taking a risk by trying to use Harvey for her own purposes.

When a visitor arrives, she might be sipping a mug of Cardalek coffee, or trying to braid her hair to keep it neat and away from the bandages, or watching a comforting old episode of For the Company on her slate computer. Using the computer for work isn't advisable yet, but holovids are no trouble.]

2. So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light

[Wildcard! For anything else. PM or

MillisaK if you'd like to discuss ideas.]

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I respect that. I'm... glad that nobody is forced to. [because it has been horrible. the older excursions had been fun experiences. but not anymore, they have to be awful to be effective. but she values personal choice most of all.] I'm not going to lie and encourage anyone to put themselves through it. I'm just... I'm trying to keep things afloat long enough for us to figure out how to end this.

But I don't know how much longer I can keep up.

[Yes, Peter signed up to die, when Ava herself had taken his request she not as permission to give herself a much needed break. She expected to see him go down with a clean and fair fight. She hadn't expected such a brutal, bloody mauling.

She doesn't like admitting it to her allies, how weak she feels. Doesn't want them to think she's second guessing or not committed. She wants so badly to see this through and that requires her to put herself into the line of fire, she can't expect anyone to do what she's not willing. But the emotional investment has made the pain far worse. She actually has something to live for now, to lose, and that makes failure far more terrifying than when she expected to die in the process. There's a necklace she protects that symbolizes everything, she has to uphold her end of it.]

The blood isn't on your hands. [a firm reinforcement.]

But then why did Harvey attack you...? What does he want? With any of this?

Edited 2023-10-31 03:12 (UTC)

I was guarding a weapon. The only thing that could kill Valdis and let Tiamat take control. I hid it somewhere exceptionally secure, but Harvey somehow knew where it was. He fooled me into thinking he was Crichton, and when I figured out the truth and tried to stop him? He attacked. So I did fail Valdis. Her death is my fault. I pledged by contract to protect the weapon, and I broke that contract. [She sighs. Breaking contract is a very serious matter in her culture - even if you nearly died trying to uphold it!] Valdis was trying to find a way to separate Harvey from Crichton; that must be why she became his target.

[Valdis was her fault, but not the others. She bears no responsibility for Tiamat's behavior.

But then Tayrey has to turn back to the other matter, doesn't she? The difficult one.]

If I were forced to go, I'd just stand there and die. [In protest. So that she wouldn't be complicit.] I don't try to persuade people not to go, either. It never helps. I've made no secret of the fact that I'd take real death over continued imprisonment here with all that follows. [If it's death or the looming threat of the Nothing, she'll take death in a heartbeat. And none of them know how long they have left before they're sent there.] But I know that puts me in the minority here. [Inexplicably, to her mind. But like Ava, she holds personal freedom dear.]

You have to put yourself first. You have to. If that means not going, then don't. I know you'll say you care more about other people, but it won't help them if you burn yourself out. They care about you too. You know, I can't do anything about the people who go, but I try to look after the people who stay behind, whatever their reasons. Practically. I can't do the emotional stuff like Citizen Summer. No good at it. But I can do practical. [Extra patrols when most of their number are gone. Warning about horrors. Cleaning up bodies.] So if you ever stay, and your friends are going, you can always come find me. Never mind our differences. We'll find some distraction, some useful work that benefits those who stayed and that doesn't involve pain and death.

If you want. [A little belatedly, but she means it. No pressure. Ari does expect that her words will have little effect and Ava will keep going on the excursions, but she has to offer this, nonetheless.]

Ah, so that's how this mess ties together. [she's grateful for the backstory, the chain of events that set all this off... she hadn't known there was a weapon involved. how or why Valdis was killed, just that Crichton had locked himself behind bars for it. and she had confronted him quite harshly, though she knows he's as much of a victim in this.

as is Tayrey, tricked and attacked by somebody she thought was a trusted friend. yet it doesn't surprise her that the young woman blames herself, even after she told Ava not to do the same.] I'm... not going to tell you to not blame yourself, or that it's not your fault. [she's certain Tayrey will hear it from plenty, and knows it's a futile effort.]

It's difficult to reconcile, isn't it. Knowing you let somebody down when they trusted you with something so important. We can't always anticipate who might betray us. Until it's too late. I failed her too. [she lays back, stares up at the ceiling blankly.]

I don't think you're in the minority, for that. But... we don't even know where anyone goes anymore. What becomes of those that vanish. [pause] Die. [she doesn't quite like using that term for it. because Tayrey is right, it doesn't feel like a 'real' death. even though it's more final than the ones they experience and revive from.

she closes her eyes, they feel damp at the corners but she doesn't bother to reach up to wipe them.]

I... appreciate the offer. But I can't not. I can't hide away in denial of what's occurring. That's what complacent looks like for me. My entire life has been dictated by my pain and suffering, I can't pretend I'm too precious for it now. If I allow myself to stop, to ignore the uglier side of all this in favor of coddling myself. Then I forget what I'm working toward.

When we're out of here. Then I'll allow myself to properly retire. To settle down. A nice cottage with Peter. An apple orchard. Three kids... maybe a dog. Some cute little goats... [her voice breaks, and she quietly starts crying.]

[She nods. They'd both let Valdis down, they both feel it, even if an objective observer might say different. But then she frowns.]

We know where they go. The Nothing. Maybe the new people have reason not to know but anyone who was here at that last Earther Halloween party knows exactly what it does to people. I will take any risk and die any death if it means I'm not subjected to that eternal torture. [Escape plans with little chance of success? Of course. She'd even asked Sparkles to save her specifically from it, leaning on the little shadow's fondness for her - but it wasn't possible. She is in the minority, else everyone would be hastening the end of this bubble universe instead of suffering to sustain it.

Ava's refusal of her offer only makes Tayrey look weary. She rubs at her own eyes. Yes, she knows that's how the other side see them. Precious and coddled. As if they were elective passengers refusing to fulfil their contract and pay their way. Not victims of kidnap and torture who have absolutely no obligation to their captor.

Does she have to argue? She's too tired to argue. In too much pain.

Then she hears Ava's quiet weeping. Tayrey leans forward, starts to swing her legs to get out of bed.]

You'll get there. You will. I know that. You know how multiverse theory works, don't you? Infinite possibilities. There are many worlds in many universes that will be safe for you, just as there will be some with a Tradeline vacancy waiting for me. [Everything the same but for the recent death of that universe's Lieutenant Tayrey. She has it figured out.] You'll have your cottage and your goats and your orchard, and the people who matter most to you by your side, and I'll have my career and my friends and the life I love, and sometimes we'll think of one another, and this? This absolute hell? It'll be nothing but a faded memory. An old trauma. Because we'll have real freedom.

They can't go to the Nothing. Not anymore...

[she buries her face into her hands, trying to hide the evidence of her prolonged misery.]

I'm just afraid we're running out of time, for a solution. This isn't sustainable. But I- [can't stop crying, too exhausted and stressed to have better control over it.]

They can. They do, it's just... freeing them isn't as simple as breaking some glass now. They're stored somewhere else. They're still suffering.

[Tayrey gets out of bed, despite the wave of dizziness that threatens to overwhelm her as she does. L-space has been worse, she tells herself. Steady. She walks slowly to Ava's bed. Her attempt at professionalism even in extreme circumstances is broken by the fact that her Tradeline uniform jacket appears to be teamed with Tommy Bahama pajamas.

She leans down, and if Ava doesn't flinch away, she'll try to touch her shoulder lightly, in comfort. It's not so long ago that Tayrey herself broke down like this, in front of Erin. Of course, she'd rushed to lock herself in a bathroom in shame until she recovered her composure, but Ava hasn't done that, so maybe that means support won't be unwelcome.]

But you are giving it everything you have. I can see that, no matter how much I disagree with your methods. And if I can see it, everyone else will too. Nobody can ask more than that. They can't. Try to be fair to yourself. It can be true that this life is better for you than your old one, and also that this life is... hard. Painful. Overwhelming. You deserve better, and not knowing how to make it better is the greatest frustration of all, sometimes.

I wish... I wish I had the words to fix it for you. I don't. It's always been a nightmare to me. Hope of freedom despite it all is all that keeps me going.

But Sparkles was the Nothing. And now Sparkles doesn't even know what became of them. If they're somewhere else, then where? [because they certainly not being used as fuel anymore. the living are. she does flinch at the unexpected touch, peering out at Tayrey through tear-blurred vision. feeling so pathetic as she tries to wipe at her face with the cuff of her sleeve.

if this is everything she has, it's clearly not enough.] Clarke and Jade... Palamedes, Sarge and Undine and Ebalon. Malcolm. Tendi. Venti, Mizuki and Jinx... Diana. Claudia, Wednesday. Lucius and Izzy, Stede, Ed... Wanda and Lucy and Natasha and Eleanor and... [gasping for breath between the tears. all the names she hasn't allowed herself to forget, but she knows there's more. and then thousands upon thousands of more before them.] They all deserved better. Then the containers got smashed and now they're lost.

[Tayrey pulls back when she sees the touch is unwanted, stands there awkwardly, not knowing what to do with herself. Silently, she pulls a neatly folded cloth handkerchief from her pocket, offers that. She listens to the list of names respectfully. Some she knows, some she doesn't. She'd almost shot Stede when she met him. Back when she thought a pirate was the worst thing a person could be. Now? Tayrey wouldn't wish a fraction of this suffering on even the worst pirate. There are deeper evils.]

Let them never be forgotten. [There's something almost ritualistic in the words.]

They are... most of them are... [Not Clarke and Jade, not Palamedes, they're still trapped somewhere, so far as she knows] ...they're free now, Ava. Whether smashing the containers meant the end of their existence or not, they're not here. They're not suffering endlessly. So I'd do it again, a hundred times. I asked Sparkles to do the same for me, if I go. Smash my container. I'd have given anything for that. It couldn't, it doesn't know where to find those who disappear now.

They all deserved better, and we can't do anything for them. It's too late to save them. But everyone still here deserves better, and it's their freedom we should fight for. Our freedom.

[Not complacency. Not sitting back and thinking that it's not such a bad prison because the torture isn't constant, or your homeworld was awful, or you've made emotional connections with fellow prisoners. Not calling the being responsible for the suffering of thousands upon thousands of people your friend.

Tayrey swallows her anger, because she does understand that Ava isn't complacent. That whatever else she believes, Ava now understands how limited their time might be. The urgency of the situation.

It's only then that it registers.]

What did you mean? Sparkles was the Nothing?

[the touch wasn't unwanted so much as a surprise, she'd have flinched the same if anyone would have made the same move. but she doesn't know how to ask for a comfort she doesn't deserve back, so she accepts the handkerchief instead. blots at her eyes, and forces herself to swallow it all down because there's no use in it. it's too late.]

I have been. Fighting. I want freedom as much as you do, as much as anyone. For everyone. But I have my family to prioritize. To keep safe. And out there... there's people that will tear us apart.

[yes, she did everything possible to cling to her life by trying to give it meaning and purpose, to find a shred of happiness to keep from wilting away. because her life was awful before, and she was determined not to allow all she had left of it to be awful as well. she doesn't think that invalidates her efforts, everything she's put herself through in search of answers.

being happy, refusing to become worse in a place designed to break souls, has been her act of defiance. befriending somebody that never saw the value in others before. how can it be complacent if it's what nobody else has bothered to do in however many years?]

Maybe I shouldn't have... told you that. I haven't anyone else. [a small wince, remembering the way Sparkles reacted to her knowing about a conversation it had with Fio. but that was because Sparkles didn't trust her. it trusts Tayrey, so maybe it's okay... but... then why hadn't it confessed such a thing to her? when they had clearly talked about the subject. was it maybe afraid how she might react, given Tayrey's intense dislike of the Nothing? was it afraid to lose one of its only friends?]

But yes, that's what it told me. And that it didn't know what became of those souls.

Whatever's out there, beyond this? It could be dangerous. It could be wonderful. There's really no way to tell. None of us can see past this bubble. But what I do know? Nobody is safe here. For some of us, being here is being shredded into tiny pieces. I know you can see that. [She thinks she can see the signs of it in Ava, just maybe not so far along as those who had never wanted anything but escape.] And the longer we're here, the worse it is, with no reprieve, so no matter what's out there? It's better than this. Even if it's only death, it's better than this - but it might be the path to the life you want, instead.

[Ari might share her little daydream, her hope of going back to her ship as if none of this had ever happened, but deep down she knows, doesn't she? That they'd only have to look at her to declare her unfit for duty. That the Tradelines doesn't want damaged goods.

And it wouldn't be on account of the head injury, either.

It still doesn't matter, because this place has torn away absolutely everything from her, and if she survives, if she gets home, she'll gather what scraps she can and make the best of things.]

I won't say anything. Sparkles was as much a victim as any of the rest of them. It didn't choose to be trapped there. To be used like that. It's only a child. It suffered.

[As much as Ari considers herself beyond emotion now, some things come through clear enough. Care and a fierce protective instinct when she speaks of Sparkles. A deep and abiding hatred when she speaks of the man who calls himself Captain. And the Nothing? That prompts only sheer, uncontrollable existential terror. No wonder Sparkles didn't want to tell her the truth. But she won't blame a child for a nightmare it didn't choose to inflict on others.]

Of course I see it, Lieutenant. This being the best thing that ever happened to me, doesn't negate me knowing that this place was built on something terrible. How awful it is for others. [a small sigh] For me. That all that awaits anyone here in the end is suffering and torment, and any of us could be gone next. And I did hope we could change it, by freeing Sparkles. Create something better for all of us that came from worlds that abused us, because not all of us have safe places to go back to. And I know that's made it all the harder for you, because you are used to something better. [has actual self worth.]

I've made the best out of it because I figured this was all that I'd ever have, and I don't regret that. But my goal with Skulduggery has always been to find a way to end it, even if it meant me having to be left behind.

But I know that out there, there's entities that want to take control of the Captain and his powers. His apathy toward the consequences of his failed experiment isn't great, no. But as somebody who was exploited for my powers, made to do terrible things... I can imagine so many ways this goes from bad to worse. I imagine his powers, Sparkles' powers, in the hands of somebody who is actually motivated, and it's horrifying.

I would not describe indifference to causing the prolonged and deliberate confinement and torture of thousands of people as apathy. [She says it flatly.] I call it evil. And that is a word I do not use lightly.

I know what I'm supposed to say. That no matter how bad he is, nobody deserves to be controlled by another. But he's controlled us, to the point of freezing us in place if we don't walk in the direction he wants. He has tortured us. He still does. It has crossed my mind that maybe he ought to be under the control of some other entity. If there's really no way to kill him. I can imagine him under the control of someone who would stop him. That's not horrifying.

[She bites her lip. It's not a very Tradeline sentiment, but then no other Tradeliner has been kept prisoner like this. Tayrey argued with her friends, did her best to persuade them not to torture or kill Harvey for what he had done to her - but her compassion has a limit.]

I wish- [she takes a gasping breath, pushing back emotion] I wish I'd known earlier. That you were always looking for a way to end this. Because you're right, I'm used to something better. Not a perfect life, but a life where I choose my own path. I choose the risks I'm signing up for. Then I arrive here and for months all I hear is give up, give up, you will never see your home again and after you die even your ghost will be tortured - but be happy, we're having a party, isn't it a nice prison? Calling me a damn passenger. You wonder that I thought you were all... impossibly cruel, or hopelessly subverted by the enemy? I was so... so very alone.

[No, Tayrey. Don't you start crying too. She doesn't. She sways on her feet a little, tries to blink away the dizziness.] It took so long before I discovered that Skulduggery wanted out too. [None of this is Ava's fault, of course. It's all just very unfortunate.]

[a rough swallow, she can't really deny that it's evil, she just doesn't view it as a motivated deliberate act.] The willful neglect is a problem. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I've struggled to get him to act even on his own behalf. It took me a long time to believe he cared about me at all, beyond amusement. But he is learning to care. And I know that doesn't undo all the damage or what everyone's suffered. I don't expect anyone to forgive him.

He doesn't... he can't even bring himself to directly torture us anymore by his own design. All of it has been outsourced to previous... prisoners operating their own realms, despite it being less efficient. I truly believe he wants out of here as much as we do now... He's given me a way to finally leave too. But the fear of what's out there waiting for him is what's preventing this all from ending. I don't know how to get around that. But I. I really don't think anyone taking him under control will be doing it for noble cause. There's a man in my world that with access to ultimate power, wiped out half the universe's population in a snap of his fingers. And the Captain's power eclipses that. [she refrains from making the emotional plea of sparing the Captain, she knows that's not in Tayrey's interest to help her captor. but as his friend, she can't support any method that will compromise his freedom. still, she hopes the other woman can understand the danger. why she's been so cautious.

Ava pushes herself back up, as she notices Tayrey beginning to sway. and then is on her feet, holding her gently but securely so she may not fall.] It wasn't... Tayrey, I've never meant to be cruel in encouraging anyone to find some happiness, a way to survive. I've watched so many people... die. Because their souls have simply given up. I didn't want that for you too.

[Tayrey clings to her for that moment, knowing she needs that physical support, grateful for it.] Concussion. I'm told it'll ease off. Don't know when. I'd better sit. [So she does, on the edge of the bed, slowly.]

I don't begrudge anyone happiness if their homeworld was worse than this. How could I? But for me - if I were happy here, it would mean my absolute defeat. That my mind had been broken beyond repair by the torture and the horrors and the twisted psychological manipulations. So that the person I was and the values I held no longer existed. [She takes a deep breath.] Klaus never understood that. That when he said he wanted me to be happy here and stop trying to escape I heard I want you utterly broken because I'd like you better that way - and what it meant to hear that from a friend, especially.

[She shrugs.] Now I'm... a burnt out power cell, in a lot of ways. Damaged. But I'm still me. Liberty is still my highest value.

I understand something else about you now. I knew your personal circumstances were awful, but not that your entire universe was... that it had a tyrant worse than our captor. The worst we had out my way was pirates - and don't misunderstand, the things pirates would do if they got their hands on a Tradeline officer would chill most people's blood. But it would end. They'd get bored and kill you, or you'd be smart and find a way to destroy the whole ship, and however it ended, they couldn't bring you back to hurt you more. So being here? It has always been worse than my worst nightmare.

[She pauses, thinks for a moment, rubs at her eyes.] Something else I've got to tell you. I was trained for leadership, not that I got to do much of it before... all this. If I ordered someone else to torture people because I didn't have the stomach to do it myself, that wouldn't make me any better than the torturer. It wouldn't mean my hands were clean. I'd be as liable as they were, just - more of a coward, with it. But regardless of how it came about, if you've got a way to leave, you should take it! I presume you can't take the lot of us, but if you can, take Peter and go. There isn't a person here who would begrudge you that.

[she sits next to Ari this time, close so that she may lean against her if she prefers.]

I'm not saying his hands are clean, just that even he's having a harder time carrying through with it. I'm not saying that he's not a coward. Because he is a coward, he's terrified. Despite the title he took on... He never wanted to be a leader, in charge of anything. He just wanted to escape the abuse of others being in charge of him. That's what led to the circumstances of Sparkles existing at all, removing that part of his memory, his soul.

But that's why he's so incapable of making even these basic decisions for himself. He only ever fulfilled the whims of his masters. Even now, I'm afraid his wishes for a future are because of Skulduggery and my own influences, talking to him about how maybe there's something better out there that's worth risking for. Reasons worth living.

And I... no, that's not quite what I meant. What he gave me wasn't directly the ability to leave. But a way to survive without deteriorating if I do. ... And he wouldn't have given me such a thing, if he didn't think that maybe it would be possible for us to do so. Right?

[Although she stays close, Tayrey doesn't lean against Ava. She can't take that comfort from her, as if she were Chernova or Montero back home, because Ava is not her shipmate. Ava hears Tayrey's raw honesty and all she does is speak with sympathy about her torturer.

At least she's not blind to all of his faults.] I've known for a long time that he was a coward. Not any kind of leader. Calling himself a captain was ludicrous, I figured that out once I realised he was scared to have a conversation with a freshly-qualified spacer lieutenant in case she managed to trap him in contract. [Then there was the debacle with Skulduggery. More cowardice. And yet he still had people - his prisoners - calling him their captain. Which Ari Tayrey will never understand.]

Being controlled and abused himself doesn't justify controlling and abusing thousands of other people. He created Sparkles, that poor child, and immediately trapped and tormented it. Reasons for living? He deserves death. Nothing more.

[This last she says with the calm surety of one who has seen criminals executed for far, far less.]

Of course it's possible to leave. Jenny is proof of that, and the island that people visited before I was brought here, and that... fat king with the skeleton horses. Now you have a way to leave safely too. I'm glad of that. [Tayrey is staring straight ahead, her expression thoughtful.] So you know - I think he deserves to die, but killing him isn't my objective. Freedom is. Getting back home, away from him and out of his control. Anything else is secondary.

[it's not intended as an expression of sympathy to convince Ari of anything, just details meant to fill in the why of it all. to Ava it's a crucial component of understanding a situation, to know how to fix things, is to know what caused the problems in the first place. which has made her sympathetic, yes, but she doesn't expect that from Tayrey in return.]

I've known he was a coward too. He hides away in his room, and I've been inside it. All of the power he has and he just sits in there on an old lumpy couch with messy stacks of books and movies. There's no grand schemes. Just somebody that's given up and doesn't know how to move on or forward. He'd probably agree he deserves death instead of a happy ending.

When Sparkles was up there on the roof, threatening us all. While you were talking to it. I was up there, trying to wake the Captain to deal with his mess. And he was faking it, faking being asleep. Ready to die and for it all to just end, because he couldn't bring himself to even confront that part of himself he cast away. I had to wake Fio instead. [a distressed, frustrated sigh]

I'm not saying it justifies. Or trying to invalidate you, say you should feel less than you do about what's happened to you. To the people we've lost. I'm just saying we're suffering the consequences of somebody that's a tragic result of power abuse, and I don't want to solve that with going right back to the same. Because I grew up similar to how he did. Because one of my best friends was created to serve humans without will. And I value freedom too. That's why I was always an advocate for freeing Sparkles, despite the risks. Because I thought dismantling this system was necessary.

... But that blubbering fat king isn't proof of anything. He's just as trapped as any of us.

[She turns her head to look at Ava, slowly.] That day. People were celebrating being back on this ship instead of in Sparkles' realm. I was devastated. I'd wanted to die. I'd wanted to be anywhere but back here. That's why I could talk to Sparkles. Because Sparkles felt that way too. That same pain, that same desperate wish to be free of a tyrant's control no matter what it cost. Sparkles lashed out at innocent people, because Sparkles is a child who didn't know any better. I knew better. I stepped up when I had to. I convinced Sparkles to have hope for freedom. Convinced myself to keep going. It might have been the biggest mistake I ever made, but I won't know that, not until my life here ends, one way or another. [Freedom or eternal torture. No wonder she'd wanted to give up and die.]

Stopping him - it's not abuse. It's justice. If asking him politely to set us free was enough, people would have done that long ago and we wouldn't be here. It wasn't. So we have to look at other measures. Whatever works. Whatever stops all the torture and gives us our freedom.

[She shakes her head.] I didn't meet that king. But the existence of his realm, as I understand it, tells us two things. Firstly it's additional proof that we can travel between universes, and secondly it shows that if our captor offers us freedom, says we've done enough to merit it, it'll be a damned lie and we'll just end up trapped and tortured somewhere else. That his word can never be trusted.

Wanting desperately to die, I've been there too. I did kill myself, buried myself alive back before we knew we'd be revived, thinking it was my only escape. I woke up devastated at realizing I was trapped. When I lost the first person here I loved, I spent weeks embedding myself into these walls, hoping for the ship to swallow me whole because I felt like I couldn't go on and that being nothing would be better than being so absolutely miserable.

It's how we feel when we can't see a way forward. When we're at our lowest moments, we make choices that hurt ourselves and everyone around us. You weren't wrong to have hope and offer that to Sparkles, Lieutenant. If everything ended there, all of our collective hope and efforts would be lost, meaningless. But we. Are. Not. Meaningless. We deserve this chance to make things right, for our lives not to end there at the worst of it. To define our existence as our own and not just some unfortunate blip. The Erda brought us here, because we're touched by fate. And I do truly believe we're going to accomplish what nobody else before us managed.

Keep going isn't a mistake. You're so strong, and you will not break.

Stopping the Captain is crucial. [for his own good, for all of theirs. he's awful at this, set himself up for failure that doesn't only impact him, but everyone that falls into this realm. she would have stayed here as long as necessary, by his side. but she feels it her responsibility as his friend to get him away from this self-imposed prison. she feels it her responsibility to make sure as many can be saved as possible before this place consumes them all.] But I'm not willing to put him into the hands of somebody that will control him. That's a line I cannot personally cross. [for moral and personal loyalty reasons. she can't stomach the thought of it.]

I don't think those realms are entirely separate universes. They serve as secondary energy supply to this one. If this place collapses, I think all those do too because they must be under the same barrier as this one or else they'd have been discovered by the reality auditors. I don't know what we do about however many of those are out there. All the people within them. If they did something to earn those realms, are they even worth saving? Or victims that did what was necessary to survive? Are they too far gone? I really do not know. That's why I keep going. I'm trying to understand.

[She's silent for a minute, considering. Her fingers curl inwards, to her palms, and then relax again.]

You and I have the same objective. Very different tactics, but the same objective. I don't think the difference is bad, on an operational level. [On a personal level? Absolutely. But she can be practical about it.] It doesn't matter whose plan succeeds as long as one of them does.

As for all those people in other realms, whatever they are? We save them if we can. If it's practicable. Only sometimes you can't save everyone, and you have to save the people you can, else you risk losing everyone. [Another Tradeline lesson.]

[Tayrey pauses again.] I am very sorry that you felt that same despair. I know that it doesn't help a bit to say so, but I want you to know that I hear you. That I understand it hasn't been easy for you. You made it look easy, sometimes. Now I know different. [In those early days she'd have thrown herself into the water in an instant if not for the knowledge that she'd just be brought back. She's not certain that she still wouldn't.]

And you're right, we're not meaningless. We're not beings created for torture and suffering, we're people with lives and hopes and ambitions. I don't believe in fate. I do know probability, and probability says that of all the Arilanna Tayreys in all possible universes, I got dealt a really shitty hand right here. I'm nobody special. I ran a department through second shift on a little frontier-run starship. That means nothing on a grand scale. I can't undo the kidnapping, or anything that came after, but I can fight to be free of all this. To pick up the pieces of my old life, the life I built for myself, and try to make the best of it through my own efforts. To not let all this horror defeat me.

[She's not so much trying to convince Ava as herself. But at least she's trying.]

But. Who else am I supposed to turn to, when everyone else has shut me out? [what does it say to her that the Captain seems more interested in what she has to say than most anyone here? that a man that barely cares about much at all gives her more consideration. that her calls for working together have fallen on deaf ears again and again, that nobody wants to hear all the information she tirelessly collected over a year and a half?]

It's... [her voice wavers slightly.] it's never been easy. You just don't see it, because I hide in my room most of the time. Or stay invisible when I'm not feeling up to talking. I know most here avoid me because of my associations. And I'm not the easiest to get along with. But I do have people that take care of me. That does make it easier. That's why my life is better here, because of the people that have helped me realize I can be better than what I came from. And I do spend every day terrified I'm going to lose them too. [including the Captain. not only because her life is now tied to his survival.]

I'm not special either. In the grand scheme of things I'm entirely insignificant, and that's okay. [it fucked her head up too much when people were trying to convince her she was important, powerful. she knows better, she can't have that delusion clouding her mind, can't have those expectations set her up for failure over and over. her self worth is fragile enough, it can't survive so many falls.] But we still exist, and this moment is ours to do with what we can. It's not over yet, there's no defeat until then.

[Is it wrong that she hadn't noticed how much Ava hid away, that she'd taken it for ordinary introversion and a desire for privacy? Maybe. But Tayrey has spent the majority of her own time in her cabin for months now. She rarely socialises. She never goes on the excursions. If not for her regular patrols she'd hardly come out at all.]

Who else could you turn to? Those people who care for you. Your husband. Anyone but the man who holds us captive and tortures us. [She's aware that she keeps repeating it, because she can't not, because befriending the false captain really is unfathomable to her.]

[(It might not have been, if once he'd spoken fairly to a frightened young Tradeliner when she went to his door ready to negotiate as she would with a real captain, instead of showing her only cruelty and disrespect - but neither of them can change what they are.)]

You and I... I see so much terrible mirroring. You came here from a life of control and unhappiness, and the people here uplifted you. I came here from a place of freedom and purpose, and the people here tried to tear me down. [No, not all of them. But there's very little overlap between her old friends here and her political allies, and that puts her in a lonely position.] No wonder we see it differently. I thought my closest friend was Crichton, and now I don't even know how long I'd been talking to Harvey instead.

[For a given value of friendship. Tayrey always knew she'd leave them all behind to return to her people. She doesn't feel close to anyone now, not after she's looked upon so many deaths with indifference.] You're right that it's not over, and that I'll make every moment count by working hard, just as soon as I'm well enough for it. [She sighs.] You're not difficult to like, Agent Starr. In other circumstances we'd get along just fine, I'm sure of it. [She just can't be good friends with someone who is that close to the person who completely ruined her life.]

I do rely on my husband. His judgment. He knows how I feel, why it's important to me to pursue this path. And he knows that at any time he believes I've become too compromised, he can ask me to stop. And I will. He's not so endeared to the Captain either. Peter is much like you. Values autonomy and freedom above all, has a lot of pride. He died trying to escape this place before. And I respected his efforts, where others mocked his failure.

And sometimes I worry that maybe my influence has led him astray, that I've asked him to compromise too much on the values he stands for, that I love him for. I asked him to trust me, my methods. And I know how wrong it all seems. To sympathize in a hostage situation.

But I'm a spy, Lieutenant. My primary method has always been uncovering more information, the truth. Right and wrong is so twisted up in my head, the things I've been forced to do, justified. That's why I care so much about the why of it all, so I'm fully informed in the choices I make. Yet I still make so many mistakes, and I'm sorry if I ever tore you down. Or made you feel invalidated. And I'm sorry somebody you trusted... did this to you.

You rest. Gather your strength back up. And I'll bring you a latte tomorrow.

His attempt to escape was the most courageous thing anyone on this ship has done. It's truly despicable that he was mocked for it. [She'd said as much to him, when she'd witnessed it.] I admire him very much for those efforts.

[Tayrey doesn't say the rest of what she's thinking. That Peter can't properly judge where Ava is compromised because he's compromised himself, on account of his feelings for her. She can be happy for them as people and still realise that Peter's values have been skewed by it. It's vindication of Tradeline custom, isn't it? Attachments like that will cloud an officer's judgement.

No. No personal criticism. She'll come at it another way instead.]

Gathering information is a sound objective in our situation. I once thought Citizen Skulduggery was making a sacrifice, you know. That he did what he did for information - or perhaps even only to try to save himself, and that might not be noble but it's wholly understandable in a situation like this. But he denied that, quite vehemently, and so I don't understand him at all.

[For good or for ill, Arilanna Tayrey does not have the Earther term Stockholm Syndrome in her vocabulary. Else she'd be using it quite liberally - and probably feel less angry with them all.]

It's... easier than it was, for me. In that way. More people seem to believe it's possible to get out somehow, so they aren't so invested in trying to convince me I never will. And I realised it doesn't matter so much. I don't need everyone behind me. I can work on my own if I have to. I'll get home, or I'll die trying. [She gives Ava a weak smile.] Thank you for coming to see me. Even if you didn't really intend to. I'd really like that latte tomorrow. [A pause, as she slowly pushes herself to her feet to return to her bed.] Safe skies, Agent Starr.

I admire him more than anyone I know. His stubborn dedication to his principles. But I love him too, more than anything, and that... makes me selfish. I want him to survive, for us to make it together... it's not just myself I have to consider anymore. And with my condition... it made plans to escape complicated, he promised not to leave without me.

[that means more to her than escape itself. she refuses to view it as a weakness, when he's the reason she has been able to remain so strong. he keeps her from getting lost, losing sight of what she's fighting for. he's why all the pain is worth it.]

I know it's difficult feeling as if nobody else believes you capable, that you're delusional or wasting your efforts. [because she's certainly been on the receiving end of it, a lot.] But. After Sparkles was freed, the containers smashed. People saw that this place can be changed, taken apart... that our actions can make a difference.

That's all I tried to get anyone to see. [there's an influence they collectively have, that she's never quite managed to convince much of anyone of. that this place operates somehow on beliefs and will, that the Erda fulfills. that changing their ways of thinking in order to tap into that power... but she can't quite prove it, can she, when she can't make any visible difference herself.]

I came to get something to help me sleep. Through the nightmares. [something strong. she needs the sleep. she's back on her feet, digging through the cabinets.]

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You saw my pain, washed out in the rain (OPEN)

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cw: suicidal ideation

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cw suicide mentions

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