come_sailaway | JUNE EVENT: CAMP

JUNE EVENT: CAMP

early on June 10th, Friday's morning announcements end with a request for everyone going on the latest excursion to meet her in the atrium. she seems in noticeably better spirits than she had been last time, and she leads them cheerfully to the tender. once they are all aboard, and the door is securely shut, the interior fills with gas, and, perhaps, their last thought before they slip into unconsciousness is "oh shit, not again."

passengers wake up on a rickety old school bus, driving down a dirt road surrounded by woods. what is it that they notice first? that, no matter what they were wearing before, they are now wearing a camp t-shirt and legitimately horrifyingly short shorts? the overstuffed backpack between their knees? the words "take one down and pass it around" dying on their lips? the fact that Friday is absolutely driving the bus?

or, maybe the fact that it's already slowing down, pulling up in front of a massive wooden sign, saying:

CAMP AION

when they get out of the bus, Friday is the one to divide them up into their cabin groups, and she is the one to give the counselors their very official-looking clipboards and whistles. she explains that they are in charge, and that she will be back to pick them up in a week, and... very little else. she responds to nothing outside of whatever is on her unseen little script, and she gets back on the bus shortly after, leaving them there.

welcome to camp. let's make some summer memories!

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[ ........

if he thinks about it, mizuki never exactly said anything about giving up on that pursuit to go immortal, but he'd kind of assumed... and the slight mixed panic and want kicks up again, if this is still a possibility. no no, no-- (and in the back of his mind, yes, yes though--) ] I thought...

Do you still want to, just to be with me? [ the illusion of the flower flickers in his hand. he can't want like this, he can't have hope like this, he can't. ] I don't... I don't want to tell you that you shouldn't. But what I've been saying just now--it's painful, to be with people only for a short while. This would be what would happen, if you really go through with it. People should live as they naturally do. I wouldn't encourage this for anyone, even if--

[ even if he wants it so badly, not to be alone. ]

Well, I would be lying if I said that it wasn't a little scary in concept… but so long as I'm with you, I think it'll be okay.

[ He knows it's not the same, but he is a traveler back home. He doesn't usually settle down somewhere. Even at Rhodes Island, they only consider him temporary. Just a mercenary. And maybe it's that very thing that keeps him from really thinking about what it would be like to lose his close connections… because he has so few. The closest he may have is Gummy and the Doctor. He can't wrap his head around losing them currently because he knows he'd start crying if he tried. He'd equate it very akin to losing everyone from his hometown again. And if this is how Venti feels all the time…

He doesn't want him to deal with that. Not alone, at least. Not anymore. ]

If you're there with me, it won't be so bad, I think. Obviously, I doubt I'll handle it super well or anything like that, but we can support each other through the tough times, right?

[ He sits upright now, and gives Venti a very sweet smile. ]

I don't need encouragement, it's alright. I've already decided this is what I want.

[ mizuki could seem so convinced with this, but...

venti, less so. or rather he might be damnedly divided with this. part of him stays desperately yearning, this is what he wants, he wants someone by his side for always. and mizuki already sounds this much like his friend... he shouldn't want to remake or coax mizuki to be like his friend but he's still struggling fully to try to reconcile everything, to respect mizuki fully as himself. he wants wants wants someone to stay with him always--

but he also wishes for mizuki to be 'free' still, however that could mean, whether this is possible or not. he can't ask or want for a mortal to extend their life for him, he shouldn't. ] Mizuki.

I told you about people who have tried to ascend to godhood. Whether they did so for themselves, their ambitions, or even love of country... [ like vennessa, who loved mondstadt enough to devote herself to the nation as one of the four winds. ] None quite did so for a loved one. If you do go through with this I would support you, I would be with you, you know now I wouldn't leave you. [ even if it's been second nature for so long. ]

But it will be hard. [ and it's why he doses himself with drink. constantly, always, through centuries and millennia. ] All the difficulties and hardship, the people you've loved and lost even in your life so far... you would experience that love and loss over and over again. [ it wears you down, it really does. ] You're very young. It's easy and romantic to say that you may want to be with a loved one forever, but 'forever' is something I don't wish for people to take lightly.

[ it was something he'd taken for granted as an elemental being, until he loved and lost for the very first time. and then again and again, through eras.

he presses the two cecilia towards mizuki's hands. ]

... Please think about it.

Edited 2022-06-21 05:10 (UTC)

[ Mizuki knows it's hard to convince anyone that these are kinds of things that he can handle, especially when he is so young, and very emotional. It sucks to love and lose, but that's why he wants to make as many positive memories with the people he cares about most, so that he can hold those in his heart forever. Keep their memory with him. That way, it doesn't really feel like they're gone. Even with his family, though spontaneously thinking about it makes him sad, talking about it here has helped a lot. Plus, he has those photos now? Whenever he wants, he can see his mom. He can talk to her. It's not the same, sure, but it makes him feel better.

He wonders if she'd be proud of him? He wonders what he would tell him to do here? "Whatever you decide, I'll support you, one hundred percent!" or something like that, probably. Something to back whatever decision he makes. Whatever thing he chose. Something he is so very adverse to doing anymore on his own. ]

I know it won't be easy. I… really have thought about it, even if my offer at the time might have been spontaneous. But… [ There's some part of him that wants to say "What do you want me to do?" To make Venti pick for him. To leave his fate up to someone else, because he didn't want to think about it, but… no. No, he wants to stay with Venti. He wants to be his support when he needs it, and to love him indefinitely. ]

Edited 2022-06-21 05:31 (UTC)

[ He tucks one of the cecilias into Venti's hair, just behind his ear, and settles the other one in the same spot in his own hair. ]

But I've decided that I want to be with you forever, Venti.

Edited (I made it gayer I guess) 2022-06-21 05:57 (UTC)

[ an old god can have hope, or the dream of it.

someone by his side, for whatever there might be to come. someone who could offer this much love, undeserved but that he does crave even though he has the terrible guilt that he hasn't returned it so wholeheartedly, that he has already and might betray it again. something like the prudent, dead sober part of him is telling him no, mizuki should live out his natural lifespan, live and love and one day die, it's the order of things. the ambition of godhood and prolonged life, for selfish reasons, so often are so many tales of downfall.

the selfish part of him really wants...

he finds himself at a loss for words, even as a bard. a lump to his throat, choked up; he leans forwards against mizuki as well, shoulders shaking a little as he tucks his face to mizuki's shoulder. then brings his arms to wrap around mizuki, a loose embrace but with the twitch of his fingertips as if wanting to cling. wanting so much to be selfish, but it contradicts with freedom. wondering if he should still hold so tightly to freedom or if it really has been shackling him for so long. but he almost doesn't know what else to base his life on. he just doesn't want to be alone, he wants to try to love even if he wonders if he knows how anymore. ]

[ Careful arms find themselves around Venti, and a gentle kiss to his temple. There's… maybe just a little bit of hesitation. After all, while he's not opposed himself to just being something that's useful, he's not sure how to might affect Venti if he pursues this. He can't make Venti love him. And if Venti continues to see him as a replacement, then he won't be happy, and… Mizuki has no idea how to fix that. But he wants to try. He wants to be there for Venti, and make sure he's never alone again.

It's the least he can do.

A few tentacles make their way around Venti as well, something to secure him, like if he doesn't hold him up like this, he might break into pieces. Or maybe he's just too worried to hold Venti tightly? For fear of being too clingy. For fear of being hurt again. Yet, all the same, he can never truly let go. Even if Venti slips from his grasp so easily, he keeps finding himself here. Is that a problem…? Mizuki isn't sure anymore.

…

Very quietly, he hums 'Oasis'. ]

[ forever is a mighty long time, and even then it's uncertain even for gods. he could have died at any point during those two thousand years. greater gods than him have fallen for less. undeservedly he kept living on and on even after his friends and loved ones and descendents of friends and loved ones lived and drank and sang and adventured with him and then passed on. a cycle like the passing of seasons, watching flowers and plants and animals grow, prosper, die--and people. he resigned himself to simply watching and singing to people and journeying and leaving.

he doesn't actually think himself worthy to be someone's 'forever'. he'd been a faker for so long already after all, he'd already hurt mizuki this much in the span of only a few months. how much more there would be in a year or decade or more, or 'forever'? if he really thinks about it he has such doubts that he's worth or even possible of committing with someone for maybe even a few years let alone forever. he almost says it, 'i'm not worth it, not worth staying with forever, not worth your forgiveness, your love,' because it's getting more and more guiltily obvious. mizuki says it so much with so much poetry and he finds himself almost lost with how to respond. mizuki loves so fiercely and overwhelming and venti... he's trying. there's real affection, real fondness, attraction but is it love? something he would sing about so often and believe in so enthusiastically for just about any and everybody in the world except for him. he loved only one person so devastatingly and mizuki has his voice.

trying to move on, trying to move on from an anchor of 2600 years. ]

Thank you. [ mumbled against mizuki's shoulder. just pathetically going to be miserable with self-doubt for a while longer then, enjoying the embrace and song.

he reallyyyyy needs a drink. alcohol will fix him from this useless mood. drink drink drink drink. maybe he doesn't feel like doing anything but be stupid for just a while longer. mizuki can change his mind later, nothing is so certain. he has someone else who understands him and is so much more compatible. it's easy to say things like 'forever', but for now at least it's nice to imagine the fantasy of it. ]

Edited 2022-06-22 22:13 (UTC)

[ Mizuki doesn't move to try and push him away or anything, and instead just allows their embrace to last as long as he needs it. Maybe Mizuki does, too, even if he has conflicting thoughts arguing in his head. At the end of the day, no matter how much he's been trying to keep himself from thinking this way, he still very much thinks of Venti as his. Of course he won't let him be alone. Of course he won't leave him. Of course he's going to cling and hold and be overly possessive over Venti the worse things get between them. Because, at the end of the day, no matter what, Venti is his. Forever, now. No one can come between that because who else is going to be with Venti as long as Mizuki will?

…

Maybe thinking like that makes him feel better somehow. It's not entirely clear if he's even aware it's wrong, like somehow this is compensation for him being so overbearing. For right this moment, it doesn't matter. He's gentle with this injured bird, humming to it quietly to help it recover, even if it bites and pecks at his heart sometimes. It's his fault for leaving it on his sleeve.

Eventually, he speaks, though holds Venti just a little tighter as he does. ]

You don't have to read what I wrote you right now. It's preferred that you open it when you need a reminder of my love for you, or if you're feeling a little alone, okay?

[ oh god it's another poem is it.

he never wants to open it in his life. well this was the same feeling he had towards that first letter because he might be the most evasive bastard of all time but he'd at least pulled himself together to open that one to give him conviction to turn down mizuki. now at least Turning Down Mizuki isn't in the cards but--

he wonders if he can accidentally on purpose lose it or... something. he has no clue. he's a fucking mess. he needs a drink, or 50. this is exactly why he's the worst at confronting things and his numerous countless flaws and why he should never ever be in a relationship but it seems a certain someone can't recognize all manner of red flags. he doesn't say anything, it takes almost all he has not to just fly and ghost. eventually he does pull back, trying to affect a smile, ignore the sinking feeling in his gut. ]

Mizuki...

I won't be alone if I have you, right? [ for as long as this may be.

the sinking feeling of the truth, that he's a poet by trade and yet thinking about writing one about mizuki is... inspiration flickers, and then nearly sinks under the heaviness of doubt. it's not going to work, a writer's block of guilt and denial. ]

[ Red flags? No, no, those don't happen. Mizuki is well known for good choices only. Ebalon and Venti are both perfect and could do no wrong. Clearly. He doesn't pick up on Venti's hesitation in the slightest, giving him a very sweet smile in return. He's sad that hug felt… short, but maybe this is Mizuki just being overly clingy again. It's fine, he's spent plenty of time with Venti on this excursion. That should be fine, right? ]

Of course. Always~! But I just mean physically lonely, you know, while we're on this... whatever you want to consider this. If I don't go on an excursion and you do or vice versa, for example. Or if I'm sick and I have to quarantine! Or... I dunno, just in case something happens and I can't be with you for a little bit. [ If he dies, for example… obviously he's not going to say this out loud, though.

He reaches forward, brushing some of the hair from Venti's face. ] I just love you a lot, and I don't want you to forget that. I'll be real sad if you do, you know?

[ he sure is king of good decision making...... only de-throned by venti himself or ebalon honestly... an unholy trifecta.

well, either way. he's not reading that letter or poem or whatever it may be (unless he hits a real point of weakness which is damnably likely but, at the moment oh man he doesn't want to). he's played music and told tales through various countries in his travels, there have been times people have been so charmed by him, possibly even other bards or artists who offered art.

mizuki's might be what he feels unworthy of most of all. still, there's real tenderness when he leans to mizuki's touch, eyes half-closed trusting. ] Mm, then...

You should know also that you are beloved by the wind, even if you too may be alone. Wherever you might be and as long as the wind blows, if you could feel it at your hair or cheek--it would be me trying to reach you. [ at the very least, he won't leave. the desire is there to, the impulse, but by now he won't or would return sooner rather than later. the resolve and fondness to want to be with him even through difficulty and doubt. the flicker of the breeze that smells of a foreign flower, to caress to mizuki's face. ] If you're sick, if you're away from me as well.

I'll want to be around you too.

[ Mizuki would… admittedly be a little sad if he never read it. It's not really that good, if he's being honest, so it wouldn't be too damning or anything, but it's more the fact that Venti wouldn't cherish something Mizuki gave him. But, perhaps Mizuki is the strange one for taking such good care of the gifts he's received from Ebalon and Venti? Maybe he was the one who needed to dial it back a little? Not that he's thinking about that now, of course. Much, much too distracted by how lovely those words out of Venti's mouth are, how somewhat loving it is to have Venti lean into his touch, how… sad those pretty eyes of his look.

He doesn't want them to look sad.

So, of course he's not going to lament to Venti how he'll just feel more alone when the wind slips through his fingers. How it's there one second and gone the next. He can keep those thoughts to himself. Who knows? Maybe one day the wind may stay. He's always been fond of storms. You know, ones that aren't caused by vengeful pirate goddesses, anyway. ]

Hm, then I very well might seek out the company of the breeze when I need it.

[ no, he's just an evasive and flighty bastard. someone's in the wrong in this relationship and it sure as hell isn't mizuki... well, most of the time surely it wouldn't be. ]

If you need me, then...

Can I tell you something else? [ something he'd been meaning to tell mizuki for a while, especially after that killing game but then... well. then he'd been with clarke, then he had to come clean, then quite a lot happened and somehow the opportunity never came up, but it's been a long time coming. especially if he thinks back to mizuki falling to gunfire, that memory. ]

My god's name. If you call for me or pray, as long as the wind hears I would try to find you.

… [ Well, now he can definitely, absolutely never tell Venti about what he heard at the lake. Which is sort of a bummer, honestly. Mizuki hates keeping things secret. His own things, anyway. Secrets between friends always feel so special and like he’s trusted. His own secrets? Dirty, flithy, bad.

Why are you telling me now? It’s too late, isn’t it? Isn’t it something important for me to know?

It doesn’t matter. It’s not like something that Mizuki needs to know. Venti is his boyfriend. His beloved. He’s not Mizuki’s god. He’s more than that, actually.

Yet he nods all the same, as if he doesn’t know. ]

[ he'd told jinx, because he'd heard her name as powder and how drastically she'd reacted to it--at that moment of weakness, he wanted to exchange his even to a mortal girl in some attempt of equality.

he'd told clarke, because she seemed intent on challenging the captain and if the captain might threaten her (remembering that rita had lost her hand) he wanted to help her.

he hadn't told mizuki. part of it is timing. part of it is knowing mizuki's race's history with that seaborn god in his world... even when mizuki deduced he was a god he never quite seemed curious about it, unlike clarke or jinx. and venti was perfectly happy to simply continue as he was, a mundane if windborne bard. he'd never really showed off his status as god. he'd shown up only a few times as barbatos in mondstadt's history. it wasn't something he flaunted. there was a lot about his godhood he didn't exactly keep hidden but just wouldn't quite come up, there are aspects of his history he would keep unsaid even from lumine-- ]

It's Barbatos. [ as he quietly links his hand with mizuki's, a soft squeeze. his voice and eyes lowered. the name of a demon in another world. ] Miss Friday doesn't know my name, I assume the Captain doesn't either. If you need me and the wind may catch my name, I'll fly to you.

[ he's not exactly like xiao, he wouldn't come at a call. he hears prayers. he doesn't answer all of them or even a lot of them, he believes in humanity over gods. but in the absence of prayer he might catch every invocation of his name in this realm.

and there's also this--when his identity was this questionable he would quietly prefer his life as venti, a bard, than barbatos the absent god. ]

[ Well, Mizuki had been able to rationalize his thoughts fairly well, all things considered. There's still the thoughts of a lover scorned throwing a temper tantrum around in his brain, making him have those sinking feelings of loneliness and disconnect from people and, well, Venti. But there are much kinder thoughts now, too. Those that have had the time to understand his feelings, and had the time to know how to deal with things. Which is quite the development! Certainly better than "just ignore it". There was a while there that Mizuki had actually considered being in denial about it at all, so the fact he's trying to move past it at all??

Someone give the jellyfish a cookie. Except don't, he shouldn't eat sweets.

Mizuki closes his eyes briefly, as if trying to commit the name to memory… not that he hadn't already done so. He only opens them again once he's ready to speak. ]

I hope to never need you, though, my darling. Always want, of course. Forever. But need would mean I've given you a reason to worry about me…

[ … ]

I assume... you want me to still call you Venti when we're together? [ He's not sure how much weight a name like that holds. But he knows that Ebalon wants Mizuki to use his real name when they're alone. Who knows if Venti is the same? He's not about to go comparing an ex-god's mentality to a demon's, though. Still, if Venti is trying to find his identity, maybe that calls for a new name, too? He's not entirely sure. ]

[ meanwhile venti is king of Avoiding Troublesome Feelings when his modus operandi is to ghost. someone annoyed by him? annoy them more! someone need help or look sad? chat and offer a song! someone get close to him or even confess their love? time to get out of town and move the hell on--

just maybe. his smile to mizuki is wan but there's a distant look to him again as his memory reels back to that island. ] Mizuki, you already gave me a reason to worry about you. [ ... ] Actually, I probably have many. If you're in danger, please call for me.

But, otherwise... mhm, I'm just Venti. [ 'just', when if he really thinks about it and remembers, even that name was lifted from his friend. he used to be wind, he didn't have much creativity to think of his own name, and meanwhile barbatos was the god's name bestowed from celestia. he glances down at their joined hands, quieter now because the thought occurs to him, maybe even his friend's name should be put to rest. but maybe he can't quite let go yet.

... ] Back in Mondstadt, in Teyvat, I could hear the prayers from believers to Barbatos. [ all gods could have that faint connection to their followers. when believers pray, deities listen. ] Like a choral song, like faint music. Constantly, always, the refrain of wishes, confessionals, offerings for blessings.

Then all of those prayers disappeared when I came here to this realm. I don't think I ever really wanted to be a god. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I simply wanted to let people lead their own lives and country. Even so, I don't think I realized it, but... [ that hum and quiet song of prayer throughout thousands of years, the voices of his people invoking him--he'd grown used to it. it was that connection to his country, the voices of his nation, that even after centuries of never appearing to them they hadn't forgotten him, they would continue to live and strive and have faith in him. even for an absent and independent god, that worship sustained him as he traveled, like he was never alone. ]

[ Listening to this just worries Mizuki, if only because he knows he's quite the people pleaser. He wants people to be happy. Wants them to be comfortable. Wants them to feel loved and like they've got someone reliably there. He's promised this to Clarke, to Ebalon, to Natsuno, and even to Venti. That promise of having someone there who won't judge them or make them feel lonely. Maybe because Mizuki understands the feeling all too well himself. Being in a room full of people, with a head full of thoughts, always makes him feel disconnected. "Not whole" he had once told Venti. Even now, when he knows what the problem is, he still feels that way. He doesn't want anyone else to feel like that. He wants to do anything he can to achieve that.

And yet, hearing this from Venti scares him a bit, because the prospect of worshipping someone means he's shoving Venti right back up on that pedestal. Light he can't touch. Something to be sullied by a monster like Mizuki. He can't go back to thinking like that again, not when he worked so hard to stop that. He doesn't notice as a few more tentacles grab Venti's arm and waist. Something desperate, like he he says any of these things, Venti will tell him "sorry, no dice, we have to break up now". Logistically, he knows that won't happen, but anxiety is a fucking bitch and shoves logic in a locker and takes all its lunch money, so… ]

I… How can I… help with that? [ He's only one person, but- ] If you want song, I could just keep singing to you…? [ He was built for such, after all. Even if he wasn't raised in Aegir, even if he only knows a little of the Aegirian language, he is still an Aegir. They're meant to always sing their words. ] It wouldn't be that constant, or faint, but if it helps…?

Edited 2022-06-28 03:04 (UTC)

[ ah, tentacles.

by now he's gotten a little more used to it, though he does have to fight down the urge to shiver a little or flinch. the slime is still a bit unpleasant, but this is mizuki and he accepts mizuki more. he leans in still closer to mizuki's side, a quiet half-sigh, half-laugh. ] Ehe...

I didn't mean to say that to ask for help. But, I really appreciate the thought. [ a light squeeze to mizuki's hand, his smile a little more genuine. ] I love all of your songs. They really do help more than you could imagine, more than I could possibly say.

I just...

I think I just wanted to... try to let you know what it's like, a little. [ if it were even possible for a mortal to imagine what godhood was like. but he was unique in trying to nearly abandon it. ] The responsibility. The prayers and faith and worship and voices. That people placed their hopes in me even when I was never there. You said once that you had wandered the world and tried to... 'better' people. For me, for every single person in my country or the world... I wished the best for them, I wished for happiness and fulfillment in their lives. I might cast minor miracles and blessings even when I never appeared in person. When I was a new god in moments of naivete I wanted to take away all pain and struggle even though I knew it was impossible. Later, I would believe in people more than whether or not they believed in me.

If you could try to understand, even a little... that would help.

Edited 2022-06-28 04:06 (UTC)

[ Mizuki glances over Venti as he leans closer, down to his tentacles, and apologetically starts to peel them off. The cons of having no nerves in his stingers is his unconscious need for them to hold onto things sometimes. It's something he really has to work on. He's nervously tucking them all back into their hidey shadow behind Mizuki. ]

I do understand. Maybe not... fully, but... that does make sense, at least. [ Which he can't always say is the case, especially when Mizuki has such a hard time understanding people in general. But a former god? Whoof. Thankfully, this much he can understand. The need to be needed, even if you're not very good at what you do. That feeling of connection. ] I... I know that... I shouldn't be like this. Like I am now. But I feel like, maybe, if I were made to go back to being fully an Aegir and nothing more now, after years of being like this... the... silence [ He gestures up to his head. ] would drive me mad. [ Well, obviously his 100% own, pure thoughts would be there, but considering he's only ever had those at a very young age, he has no idea how he'd adjust to just those. He doesn't even know what his own, original thoughts are. Everything sounds like "his" thoughts.

And change is so fucking scary. ]

I don't know if I fully grasp it, but I understand it.

[ The silence part, anyway. Less so the worship, but in his own Need To Be Needed way? They're unsettling more similar than Mizuki thought, and that doesn't exactly bode well. He wishes he could fix that. Wishes he could just be a hundred voices like the ones in his head to make Venti feel comfortable and safe. Does he really need to be back in Mondstadt to feel that way again? In the very wise words of Fall Out Boy, I know this whole damn city thinks it needs you, but not as much as I do. ]

You always put yourself down when you talk about how you go about people's faith, though. Saying things to put yourself down, but... I... I've told you of the gods of my world. None of the ones that have made names of themselves, that live in their own sort of reverence of their people are... "good". Not by my standards. [ The angels of Laterano might disagree with Mizuki, but fuck that shit? The Law is a shady ass god and he doesn't trust like that. ]

... The older folk in my village, who were from Aegir, would have this expression they'd say. [ Briefly, he switches his tone over to his echo-y, melodic one so that he can speak in full Aegirian. He struggles a bit to get it out fully, but it's just a few words, he can will himself through this translation magic or whatever. ] "Bra vind... i ryggen er best."

…

Roughly, it means, "May the wind always be at your back." It's supposed to wish people luck, or to have safe travels. It's something I was told often in my own travels because of this. And, recently, I learned it comes from a old Aegirian shanty.

"May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again,
May the gods hold you in the palm of their hands."

[ He places his head against Venti's, a little sigh. ] There's no real religion among most Aegir cities, but they all do believe in a deity out there is looking over them. Not with them, not intervening, not doing anything more than just a bit of good luck. They believe that's all they need.

And I believe in you, too. Your ideals and your wants all make sense to me.

[ that's right, mizuki also has the voice of that other god in his head... there could be gods who spoke directly to their prophets but he doesn't suppose this is an example of that at all. that consciousness of the sea god felt far more inscrutable than hymns and commandments. which is a mercy, if it were more insistent perhaps mizuki really could be more seaborn than he is now.

but mizuki's lived with that other god's consciousness for this long, it seems some kind of purification might backfire after all. whether or not it'd still be worth trying... maybe it didn't matter especially if mizuki himself feared the idea of it, like this. and in the meantime the song of prayer, like background noise for barbatos--

we pray for good weather for harvest--send a tailwind for our voyage--i've sinned in the eyes of the lord, please forgive me for what i've done--

it'd disappeared and he hadn't realized he'd missed it until the faintest hint of it hit him again like the first taste of water in a desert. even mizuki saying so right now, 'i believe in you', like lighting a small match in deep darkness. belief and faith could even guide gods as gods guide their people. a brief kick of wind, the flush that goes to his face--he looks down to his lap. ] ... Thank you. [ even that much... it's not exactly faith, but it's close.

the aegirean shanty is poetry almost reminiscent of hymn that almost tugs at his chest, he misses the nuns and sisters in his church. their daily prayer, their choirs, the musicality of it and familiarity of it. almost the sound of home, with the voices of all who have ever placed hope in him. he plays his own words back a little because, ] I don't mean to put myself down. Did I really sound like it? [ with a hand to his cheek in thought, and to try to cool his blush. it's almost embarrassing how this kind of affects him. ]

That I was rarely ever there is fact, I didn't mean to talk myself down. It was what I wanted and hoped for my country, that they could make their own way without me. Other gods could rule more directly. Morax would descend once a year 'officially', but even his people wrote stories that he walked among them incognito. My friend Raiden would issue decrees as an omnipresent goddess, almost completely the opposite from me. Gods could be so different, their relationship with their country. I believed I did what was best for mine. I don't think I would change anything, if I could do it all again. So, that shanty... I understand it well, that I would always be at their backs.

[ but there's still some amount of uncertainty, that uncertainty in himself. the balancing act between wanting to help directly, and invisible support from a deity who effectively disappeared until calamity might happen. ]

I know that the god you're familiar with is... [ it had shaped mizuki this much, he must have any amount of conflicting feelings towards it. the hatred towards an enemy race, and what he'd said just now that maybe he couldn't give it up. ] But so you know, we vary so much in what we do, what we stand for. I might have done little but to give comfort and stories of a higher power even if I didn't appear. I never asked for people to have faith in me, but they did. I would bless or save as quietly and subtly, every so often. I would believe in others to save themselves better than I could.

But I treasured every single one of them, my followers. [ in a quiet murmur, almost under his breath. remembering barbara, jean, even agnostic rosaria--'let the wind guide you', the mantras in mondstadt. kaeya and diluc and razor are terribly important to him as his countrymen, obviously it didn't matter if they were particularly religious or not. but he had been a god, faith sustained him, fundamentally. ]

I hope they're doing well even if I'm not there, even if I've lost my godhood.

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