come_sailaway | well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease

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well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease

Who: Ava & OTA
What: Not doing so great! And an attempted memorial
When: Post-Excursion
Where: room 114, the literal walls, buffet, gym shower, cafe, the promenade
Warnings: these are not fun prompts. loss, self loathing and failing struggle with depression are very strong themes.

i. room 114.

The mission was a success. With no actual contribution on Ava's part and a growing list of mistakes she's neatly compiled in her thoughts, waiting to unravel for whenever Skulduggery finally tracks her down. And she dreads it, knows well enough how these things go.

It was her choice, Skulduggery was quite right. Her choice to sideline herself and pretend she wasn't even there because she couldn't handle dealing with a small group. Of people that already didn't like her, and any minor progress she made with Darcy she's sure has been entirely undone, confirming that she was right all along to treat her so poorly. It would have been a struggle on a good day, but after isolating herself for the last few weeks... God, she was wrong to think she'd be ready.

She should have bowed out before it even began, but her wellbeing was never a priority, not with so much on the line. And it had been all she had to look forward to, the only small scrap of hope that she might be able to help out. Prove to Skulduggery and the others she wasn't a complete deadweight. Prove Izzy wrong that no crew would ever want her. Reestablish that maybe there was a purpose to her continued existence and allow her to recover.

And then it all went from bad to worse with the series of curses, with Maximilien the only one caring to go after her as she took off running as madness infected her already weak mind. And he shouldn't have. She compromised them both, and then ordered him around because in her panic she had no idea how else to get him to follow, and she hates herself for it. And he must hate her now too, because he stormed off and she hasn't heard from him since.

The mission was a success with the added bonus of reuniting Friday with her girlfriend, even under such circumstances. She half expects the ship to be torn apart in a storm any moment, and can't will herself to care. She thought Jenny was valid the first time she attacked. She feels so even more now that her freedom has been stripped of her once more. But there had been mention knowing where her brothers were, and so she hopes. Hopes for Jenny's sake that it's true.

The mission was a success, and Ava's at critical failure. Huddled under her bed ever since she got dumped back at her room. Still in her stealth suit, gripping the katana that she had salvaged from Malcolm's room in trembling hands as her last line of comfort. Unaware of how much time has passed, unaware of her need to eat, never quite managing more than a fitful hour of sleep.

And that's where she'll remain until somebody convinces her otherwise.

ii. the walls.

And then she'll sneak off to fun new hiding spots, places she thinks nobody will be able to look for her, if anyone bothers at all. The advantage of being able to phase is finding nice cozy spaces between the walls, between the floor and the ceiling below it. Ava feels rather considerate of this as well, taking her misery somewhere far more private and out of the way while everyone else continues happily on. Her depression cruelly and completely crippling her ability to reach out for the help she so desperately needs and knows she doesn't deserve.

She's doing her very best to wait out her soul finally fading away with the rest of her, because that's what happens to the weak. And Ava knows that's what she is, despite all her attempts to tell people otherwise.

But somebody passing might hear the stifled crying from the walls, or catch a knee poking out from the ceiling. What first seemed like a great idea turns out to be a bit more cramped and uncomfortable than she was counting on. Try as she might, she can't quite get herself to join the rest of the ship ghosts. It feels very unfair.

At some point, she hears somebody walking far too loudly on the floor she's hiding within, and she reaches out to grab an ankle, phase claws and all.

iii. buffet.

Eventually she does get hungry enough that she can't ignore it anymore, a dizzy sort of sway as she stares blankly at the buffet. Despite the familiar variety, absolutely nothing looks good. She picks at a few packets of crackers and sits right there on the floor, removing her face mask that she's worn for far too long now leaving the skin under it in rough condition. She takes a couple disinterested bites, and then crumbles the rest in her fist. The crumbs get all over her already dirtied suit. With her mask off, she can tell just how bad she smells. That manages to ruin the rest of her desire to eat.

iv. gym.

She hits up the gym showers. She can't get her fingers through her hair, matted from being stuck under her hood for so long. She can't work up enough energy to feel upset about it, instead sits on the floor and watches the water drain.

v. sand dollars.

Grabbing her notebook from its hiding place in her room, Ava takes it with her to the coffee shop, finally dressed in something other than her stealth suit. A plain t-shirt and a pair of camp shorts that fit far looser than months ago. With a pair of scissors, she begins cutting the pages into smaller and smaller pieces, destroying all the notes she'd taken on the Captain and the mystery of the ship and all the things she's decided aren't important. She stops once she gets to the pages of the names of the vanished passengers, her throat constricting.

She never decided what to do about it, but it was a responsibility she took on. Ava sips uneasily at her mint tea, ignoring the small bits of paper that have fallen into it. They're scattered all over the table around her, some having drifted to the floor.

vi. the promenade.

Only a handful of people helped her with her project of collecting names earlier that month, and Ava does her best to fill in as many as she can with her limited interactions. Sarge and Wanda and Natasha and Peter... all from her own world. Eleanor, who helped her with the laundry, and her brother Luke. Kore, she'd been told about. Claudia, her late night company when so few others were up and about. Reigen who hosted that first information sharing meeting who called her out for snooping, who helped her toss the casino coins overboard. Dean, who all she knows about was that he was hot, and something about Diana's opinion on his hair. Flynn, Fio's roommate who had talked down Jenny, only to be replaced by somebody who looked so similar. That she kicked out of the camp cabin, and never got to apologize to. Conner, her first roommate that she had immediately chased off and never had a chance to apologize to. Lucy, who she killed by phasing into a tree during the Battle Royale. And never had a chance to apologize to. Conan (that she doesn't realize has returned.) Ginko, who had been so calming and kind. Lucas, who she was annoyed about when she found out Malcolm had another roommate.

And Malcolm. The only person she's ever allowed so close, that made her feel like she mattered and could be better. Who dedicated his life to getting justice for the dead. She feels guilty she can't think of more, knows there's so many others she's missing.

Lucius had left her art supplies awhile back. So she writes out each of their names in red paint along the floor of the promenade, leaves flowers she's made out of paper under each. She's sure it'll be cleaned up soon enough, but maybe if she keeps watch... There's more paint, for anyone that wants to contribute. As Ava continues quietly folding flowers at one of the tables.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

She begins to lean away from the touch, because she is expecting more of an argument. She's practiced it half a dozen times in her head, what he'd say, how she'd snap back, and every version of it ends with her even more upset and him finally admitting he doesn't have any use for her.

Except the Skulduggery that lives in her head isn't the one sitting next to her, and she leans back in with a bit of an overcorrection.

"Don't apologize. I was happy you asked me," she says quietly, probably would have been just as upset if he excluded her. "I'm not sure why you'd have noticed, about Malcolm. I avoided telling you. But I've... I've been having a hard time. Without him." And an even harder time now. "I shouldn't have allowed my personal issues to interfere with my focus. But when he left, he... took my self worth with."

Which is the bit she hasn't told anyone else, how much of her confidence had become so overly dependent on Malcolm. To an unhealthy degree. She had arrived on the ship with so very little social skills, absolutely no experience in relationships, right off the edge of dying. And Malcolm had managed to make her feel good about herself in a way she never had. "I know you're busy. So I don't like to ask a lot of you," she tells him. "But... thanks for bringing me the books."

He feels her shift and expects the worst, and is quick to put his arm around her shoulder when she instead leans back in.

"I wish you had felt like you could tell me, but I understand why you didn't." He doesn't show enough care or interest in anyone else's affairs, falling into the same trap he did back home. Focusing singlemindedly on the next step, the next mission, the next big mystery. "...You should know that you're worth more than whatever piece of you he took. I'm sorry that his vanishing has caused you so much pain."

"I didn't tell Maximilien either," she admits, in case he thinks it's a reflection on him and his failings as a friend and not her own insecurities. But she curls up against his side, face finding a place to hide in the fabric of his suit jacket.

"Because I got it in my head. That you'd both think less of me for being so upset. And I didn't want to lose you too. I haven't had friends before. Or a boyfriend. Or anyone relying on me. I didn't realize how hard it all was."

Skulduggery bows his head to rest on top of hers. "It is hard, isn't it?" he responds. "Having people rely on you, and having to rely on them in turn. But just because something is difficult doesn't mean that it isn't worth pursuing. Bonds are necessary. Isolating ourselves here is only going to lead to more pain and misery."

It's a less desperate plea than the one after the Battle Royale, but no less sincere. "You aren't going to lose me over something like this, that's for sure." He would be a hypocrite if that were the case. His own emotional outburst had led to his death, not to mention the deaths of countless others...

"But it's all I ever really knew, the pain and misery. It's what feels safe," Ava protests weakly, knows it's already a lost battle because it's hard to stay away from him for too long. Knows it's not what she really wants, but she's at a loss how she's meant to move forward when everything feels so empty.

"I've spent my whole life wishing for something better, but all my efforts have ever gotten me is more disappointment and failure." It's not just Skulduggery she feels as if she's let down, but everyone that's tried to help her.

Her hand transfers its grip from the book to his arm. "I know I can't get him back. But I've spent days in the walls, trying to join him." But clearly she's still there.

Skulduggery squeezes her close. He knows the feeling, can relate to it more than he'd care to admit. Pain becomes more comfortable the longer you're in it, and both of them have been settled into it for most of their lives.

"I was worried that you might have vanished," he admits. "And I'm thankful that you're still here. Even if you'd rather be gone -- we still need you here." Fio would be heartbroken, and he can only imagine how poorly Maximilien would take it if she were to disappear. Selfishly, he knows he would take it worst of all.

"Each day is harder than the last, I know. But it... can be easier, with others around to share the weight."

She breathes out in a shudder, feels a bit of weight eased just in being able to admit to it. And that Skulduggery doesn't dismiss it all as irrational or irrelevant.

It's such a relief to hear him say it, about her still being there. And it's true, she doesn't want to let Fio down. But there's one thing she wants to ask of him, that's difficult to work up the courage. It feels like too much. Too needy.

"I... can I ask you for something?" she begins, tilting her head up to peer at him through dark lashes.

Sharing the weight of his responsibilities with Darcy gives him the chance to take some of Ava's burdens onto his shoulders. He doesn't know what that might entail here and now, but when she looks up at him... how could he possibly deny her?

"Name it," he says, with absolute conviction.

"It's actually two things," Ava admits almost apologetically.

The first being "Can you check in on me more?" she requests shyly. "I know I make it seem like I rather be left alone. And I'm not great about answering my phone. But it's easy for me to convince myself that nobody wants me around, unless they... want something. And sometimes it feels like all you care about is the Captain."

She bites her bottom lip, doesn't mean for that to sound accusatory. "Which isn't to say you can't come to me for that. I like when you... trust me, tell me secrets, ask for my thoughts. I do want to be somebody that you can depend on," she tells him. Doesn't want him to mistake her breakdown for no longer willing to support him. Even if there is the underlying issue of: your love interest's ship fucking ate my boyfriend.

It's an easy request to fulfill, although he's mildly embarrassed she needed to ask. It was a given back home that he would only ever be focused on the next vendetta, the next big mystery -- but it doesn't need to be the same here. It shouldn't be the same here.

"Not only can I do that for you, but I probably need to. From a 'healthy' perspective." He even curls a finger against her shoulder to imitate the sarcastic scare quotes. "You aren't the first person to mention the problem, at any rate. ...But that was only the first of two requests, wasn't it?"

He's going to side-step the ship eating her boyfriend. It feels a little rude to talk about the Captain right after she asked for more of his attention!

"Healthy," she laughs, because since when have they ever. She understands his obsession, doesn't want to shame him more for it. But she doesn't want to completely lose him to it either.

"The second is... more embarrassing," Ava admits. Something she's only told Max. She breathes out, reaches for the comic book and gently pulls it away from Skulduggery. She glances down as she flips through a few colorful pages, searching, and then puts her finger down on a panel of the Ghost that is not her, floating. As if it's proof of something. "Can you... teach me to fly?" she asks timidly, not looking up at him this time and braced for the 'no.'

Skulduggery watches her flip through the pages, trying to decide why this not!Ava Ghost has so many damn flies around him. Of course, he's distracted away from the thought by her question.

"Hmm." He considers it, the same way he had when Stede had asked. Magic doesn't work the same here as it does back home, but he doesn't know if that means it's more or less likely that Ava could utilize it. Not to mention, flying is a difficult thing to master; only one other Elemental has ever actually accomplished it.

But, crazier things have happened. Far, far crazier than Ava learning to fly.

"I can't guarantee that my methods would work for you," he says after thinking it over. "And it'll take time, and practice, and you'll be annoyed at how small you're going to have to start, just to understand the fundamentals. But so long as you're willing to practice, I don't see why not."

"I don't have much else to focus on," Ava points out, still staring down at the page.

'Ghost, I have to admit I don't know what you can do on this mission,' the man that Ava can only assume is meant to be the leader of this team says. 'Then I shall simply observe.'

Ava frowns, not sure she wants to keep reading.

"That's... why I went to speak to the Captain, that one time. I figured if he could stop our powers, or limit them, maybe he could... let me have that. It was a stupid idea. It's why I never really told you about it."

It wasn't a stupid idea, which makes it all the more dangerous that she might've tried. There's no telling what sort of deal he might try to strike for that kind of ability. Of course, he'd be just as likely to laugh her out to the athletics deck.

"The only problem with your idea is that he'd ask for something you might not be willing to give. I can't guarantee results, but you won't have to give away chunks of your soul to me."

"I never actually asked. I didn't have enough paper cranes for a wish." Which sounds even more stupid to say aloud. But even if she brought a thousand, she doubts even then he'd entertain it. She doesn't think he likes her all that much.

"And I'm not really sure I have much to give," she admits. "But... If you're willing to be patient with me."

She doubts she has any ounce of magical ability at all. But she at least wants to try, work on something for herself.

She made paper cranes for him? Skulduggery wishes he could have seen that for himself.

"For better or worse, you wouldn't be here if you didn't have something to give." He moves his hand from her shoulder, reaching up to push her hair behind her ear. "Trust me. I saw it with my own two sockets."

It's been a while since the dinner, though. He does wonder, sometimes... if he got the chance to look again, would he see anything different? Would some of them be... less, than they were after Battle Royale? And what would that mean for them?

Something to worry about later. For now, flying lessons.

"You'll have to learn to be patient yourself," he teases gently. "It takes time just to understand what you're trying to accomplish. But if anyone could do it, I think it's you." And not just because there's a reality out there where some version of Ghost can fly.

So many and not enough. :(

"Saw what?" she asks while leaning into the small gesture, not sure what Skulduggery is referring to.

She's willing to be patient, had to go through the excruciating process of figuring out how to properly control her own powers. "I think... I at least have the advantage of being able to make myself lighter," Ava says hopefully. She wonders how that bastard wearing her suit in the comic pages manages it. There has to be something she's missing.

:(

"When I touched the void, I saw the emotions that comprise your being. That's the reason why we're here, and what we have to give. What you have to give. And since I know for a fact that you're full of determination, I also know you'll be a good student." Not that he could possibly have defined any one part of the souls he saw... That's beside the point.

"Your abilities will come in particularly handy, I think. Light as a feather, right?" Hehe.

Yeah, she's aware her pain just serves to benefit somebody else. Always has. But she gives him a waver of a smile.

"Thanks, just don't expect me to write essays," Ava comments.

As out of reach as it feels along with everything else, she does look forward to trying. She's impossible in her own existence, so why not.

"So. Now that's out of the way," she says a bit apologetically. "You did promise to... inform me of the aftermath of the expedition." Maybe hearing what's been learned or achieved by it might boost her spirits a bit.

Impossible is a word for cowards, to be honest!

"Ah, yes, of course." The reason he'd actually been looking for her to begin with. "Hmm. It was the silver cuff, to begin." Skulduggery contemplates how to proceed, and then decides that Ava can handle a direct, if rambling, explanation. "The cuff held a memory in it -- a memory of being told about his own history. Humans in his reality couldn't use magic, and so they would force magical creatures to serve them as conduits. His village was raided; the willful ones were killed, the weak ones sold for parts... And then those like him. Hah. In hindsight, it should have been obvious. A shapeshifting shadow who lent me a book about love and Islam, cunning about deals and excellent at twisting words..."

His voice has been low for the most part, but here it drops even more, as if anyone could possibly overhear them up here. "He is, apparently, a jinn."

While she was uncertain of the significance of the item they were asked to retrieve for the Captain, she perhaps thought it would be an object of power or magical in purpose to help him further his goal. Not memories. But it makes sense with what she knows, how he's purposefully given up so many and had so little that remained.

And no wonder he was so selective in who he allowed to handle it. Because it is rather sensitive information, she realizes as Skulduggery shares some of the backstory.

She's quiet for awhile, staring at her bare toes dangling over the edge of the roof, feels less stupid about asking for a wish and more like an asshole about it. She closes her eyes, thinks of how awful every single world sounds the more she learns about them. She doesn't really blame him for choosing to hide away in one of his own making. How defensive he was about the topic of being controlled. She doesn't quite know the full story, how he was treated, but she knows her own childhood well enough to imagine it wasn't well.

"Told you it was like Aladdin," she remarks sadly, knows even the genie in that movie simply wanted his own freedom. And hope of her own dwindles, because that had been part of the Captain's offered deal, granting something for whoever helped him learn the truth of his being. Now he knows and they're all just as trapped as ever. "So we're what, stuck in his lamp?" she sighs, still trying to process all the implications.

"Fuck, Stede..." can't know, obviously. That sounds disastrous. "You're not telling anyone, are you?"

"I've told Darcy as much as I've told you. Max, slightly less. The rest... well. They're going to have to learn eventually. But they don't need to know the details. Being taken from his village, forced servitude from a young age, desiring escape... that all engenders sympathy. Telling them he's a jinn currently living without a master will only encourage them to turn to slavery."

Regardless of how Skulduggery feels about the Captain, he refuses to let that happen. He will not give someone the keys to owning another person.

"Not to mention the power he wields is already disastrous in his own hands. Imagine what another person might do with them?" Which brings him to the other point Ava had raised. "...It's the reason he won't let us go. Learning what he was has... complicated our pursuit of freedom. Now, if we were to leave and live elsewhere, the Captain would be left exposed. News would spread of a masterless jinn developing his powers, and that would chum the waters. Not only that, but our being here 'keeps the lights on.' He can't maintain the reality without power. And, for better or worse, we are that power."

Skulduggery hesitates, just for a moment.

"I can't say I blame him. I'd probably keep us here, too, if the roles were reversed."

"Good," she decides. She already thinks he shares far too much with the other passengers, that so much of it can be weaponized if the wrong people put it together in the right way. But she's glad that he trusts her with this. She wonders what the little bit less that Max got, but it was probably more about his lack of interest in some details than lack of trust on Skulduggery's part. So she doesn't question it too much on his behalf.

"Being stolen away as a kid to have your... abilities used for somebody else's gain. At the expense of your own wellbeing. Is..." Ava hesitates, because her sympathies are more than engendered here. "Something difficult to recover from. And explains a lot. About how he behaves."

She lowers her head at the reasoning, hates that the logic of it is difficult to argue against. "I can't be hypocritical. I tried to drain a woman of her energy in order to stabilize my own. Possibly. Probably would have killed her. It's..." obviously a complicated situation. She doesn't have it in her to take any moral high ground at the moment. She's killed more people than are aboard the ship at the moment, all in the belief it was necessary to keep herself alive. But she was wrong, couldn't see alternate solutions through the lies. There has to be other ways.

This. Is. The. Way. her own insistent voice reminds her.

"But is he masterless?" she still worries about what little she knows of that whole contract situation, the new context this information puts upon it.

Skulduggery goes to respond to Ava's question, thinking yes, of course he is, that's what he said -- and he stops. Finds himself thinking it over.

"He believes he is," he says after a stretch of silence that goes on longer than he'd like to admit. "Or, he said he is. Whether or not it's true... I don't know. As it stands now, the most he has over his head would be the contract from the crew meeting. That can't be more than a minor annoyance, though, surely..."

Damn. He should have gone and talked to Oswald himself.

"I'll have to follow up on that. That is why you mentioned Stede, isn't it?" He isn't even remotely surprised to learn that Ava found out about the contracts. She's too clever to be left in the dark for long.

"Yes." Skulduggery isn't her only source of information, after all. She just doesn't need to normally choke it out of him. But she does fix him with a rather serious sort of stare.

"He was concerned enough to try negotiating, right?" Which she knows of, but not the details of how that played out. "But a weakness that open to exploit, I'd understand downplaying," Ava runs her thumb over the edge of the closed pages of her book.

"But how much control that actually gives him over the Captain and this ship is directly proportional to... the need to destroy it."

well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease

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