come_sailaway | My fuck rations are depleted [October catch-all]

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My fuck rations are depleted [October catch-all]

Who: Natsuno and you
What: Monthly catch-all
When: October
Where: All around
Warnings: Discussion of murder, violence and suicide, will add as needed

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What's there to figure out? It is what it is.

[Actions have consequences and there's nothing Natsuno can do about it. He has no one but himself to blame, because the person who burned holes is a capricious monster and Natsuno should've known better than counting on his habits. The deteriorating ship is further proof of that.]

I wanted to get away from them anyway.

[He already abandoned his dad, came back to life only to walk out the door and into a burning mass grave three weeks later. It's an effort to keep his voice level; he feels physically sick, like someone reached inside him with a crushing grasp. The now too-familiar sensation of fresh, overwhelming grief, like when he stared down at Tohru's open coffin or Clarke's lifeless body in his blood soaked lap.

Her knuckles still brush lightly against him. Suddenly he reaches back to squeeze her hand.]

I wish it was a kidney.

( she hadn't expected him to reach back for her. but that level of surprised ignorance is probably what also contributed to clarke not registering the twitch in natsuno's arms yesterday, and the way he'd almost melted into her when she hugged him. it's been a whole day, though, and a horrible, gut wrenching reveal. so he's welcome to squeeze her hand as hard as he like, even to the point of breaking if need be. but anything short of that — and she's twisting within his grasp until she can work her fingers between his and squeeze back just as tightly. )

You ever pull a stunt like this again, and I'll take your kidney.

( this is basically a joke. in the worst, darkest, most morbid sense of the word. if he dies, i'll kill him. but flat in it's delivery, too tired and sad to leave any real impact.

but more pressing is the matter at hand. for which clarke then tugs at their combined hands, urging natsuno to look over at her when she says: )

I don't think I can do anything about their voices. But Mizuki got pictures from the shop a while ago. Of his early life, with his parents. And if a single photo of you and yours exists out there, I'll find it for you. I'll make Friday give it to you. Just because you can't remember their faces now doesn't mean you won't learn to again. We will figure this out.

And in the meantime... All you have to do is look in the mirror. I'd bet you look a lot like your mom.

[He keeps clinging to her hand, squeezing even tighter when her fingers lock around his. Natsuno lets the other arm roll slowly off his eyes, but the look he gives Clarke is brief and tired. His eyes slide shut again as he turns his face back to the sun.]

A lot of these packages have a cruel twist.

[Maybe he'll get a picture of his parents with the faces burnt or cut off, maybe everyone will be able to see them except him.

He can look in the mirror, but the thought of trying to map out his feature own features makes him even more tired.]

...I was closer to dad. [Which isn't saying much, because he resented them both so much since they moved to Sotoba.] My legal last name is mom's, but I always used "Yuuki", after him.

I was wondering about that.

( back at the sticker party, already elbow deep in schemes to upset the balance of the ship, clarke had glanced at his nametag and noticed something was amiss. had called it out, which do you prefer? yuuki's fine. and had assumed he meant as a surname, only to gradually find out that was how he introduced himself to everyone else around them. she always called him natsuno, though, and presumably there'd just never been a moment in their conversations for him to correct her. they were always so weighted...

always a lot like this one, actually, but this time at least their fingers are intertwined in a tangible, physical anchor. natsuno can squeeze as hard as he likes, clarke's not letting go before he does. )

I was closer with my dad, too.

[Natsuno narely knows anything about Clarke's father - discovered the Ark was dying, executed by his own wife for wanting to go public with the information. Clarke barely lingered on the topic when she told him her story, which was hardly surprising. Still, it's easy to guess she was closer with him.]

Did he pick your name? My dad picked mine.

[Stupid old fashioned name that he despised. His father probably never even considered how people would keep commenting on it, or maybe he did and liked the attention.]

I don't actually know. ( nor where it came from, and definitely not the fact she and a great deal of her friends were named after old world science fiction authors. it's funnier that way. )

I never thought to ask.

( and now, barring very specific circumstances, will never be able to. )

Is there a reason he picked "Natsuno"? Does it mean something specific?

It's some old noble's name. You write it like "summer field."

Dad's a big romanticist, so. [He says "romanticist" like most people say "idiot."] I guess he wanted to give his kid a special name.

Hmmm. There's nothing wrong with that, though. Hate the end result all you want, the intention behind naming you seemed pure.

( and guess what buddy, you are special to go along with that special name. even if clarke's only vested interest in the name "natsuno" is that it belongs to him. )

[Yes, the intention was pure. A young man barely out of his teen years, excited to have his first (and only) child. But knowing how it all ended, with Natsuno's own teenage resentment, it becomes the first of many well-intended but selfish and ultimately disastrous decisions.]

Yeah. [A soft exhale, barely a bitter laugh.] Always pure intentions. Maybe if he ever considered how his intentions aligned with reality, he'd still have a family.

[Natsuno hardly ever thought about his dad for the last eight months. Now he's filled with a mix of anger and grief and he hates it.

His dad was a hypocrite and a selfish idiot.

Natsuno still mourns the loss of memory.

He misses him.]

( ouch.

she doesn't offer a comforting squeeze on the tail end of that sentiment, but their fingers are still entangled and natsuno can no doubt feel how clarke's twitch. it hits too close to home. if jake griffin hadn't tried to go public with information about the life support systems failing, he never would have been floated and she'd never been imprisoned. but he'd still be chasing what he felt was right, and then didn't even get to see the end result that was earth.

they're not implicitly talking about mothers, but it's impossible for clarke's mind not to stray towards abby. and after a brief inhale that only sort of shudders in her throat, she says, )

That's parents, though. Isn't it? They always disappoint, then love us all the harder like that makes up for past mistakes.

...yeah. And by then it's too late.

[His father may now be a faceless, garble-voiced figure, but Natsuno still knows he was a shell of a man during those final weeks. He also knows that this broken man tried his best to protect his undead son - pathetic attempts, too little and too late, yet even they were fiercer than anything he'd done when Natsuno was still human.

He opens his eyes and turns to glance at Clarke, on his own this time.]

I hope he moved on.

I doubt he ever will entirely.

( her turn to not look at him immediately, though clarke doesn't go so far as to cover her eyes with the crook of her elbow. simply squints at the sun for a beat, until the light becomes too much and her vision is perpetually scorched with a stark outline of blinking black; then she'll glance his way, expression somber but convicted. )

But some day I'm sure he'll find peace with the past.

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