Natsuno "scrappy emo kid" Yuuki/Koide (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
neverleave) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
come_sailaway2022-10-03 09:51 pm
neverleave) wrote in come_sailaway2022-10-03 09:51 pm
neverleave) wrote in come_sailaway2022-10-03 09:51 pm
no subject
The cues are subtle, but there. Shoulders slump ever so slightly, the mouth twists for a split second like he tasted something vile, eyes wince before all expression disappears behind the usual screen.
I never asked you to.
Don't talk like I don't know how it feels.
I smelled Jade and Rita's blood and held your corpse and I never, ever wanted to upset you like this.]
...Was it worth it?
[I'm so sorry.]
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( that part's immediate. that part's spoken with so much conviction it doesn't leave any space in the room for him to breathe, let alone try to rebuke. this is a no-nonsense fact, and she'll hit him again if he argues about it. and as far as clarke's concerned, that addresses the main issue here on hand.
but not this most recent incident. )
Was all of this worth it? When it could have been avoided? When you could have asked for help? When I would have happily made Jinx forget all about you? When —
Jesus Christ, Natsuno. If you'd told me this is what you really wanted and wouldn't let me talk you out of it, I would have at least helped. ( could have cleaned up the mess so jade never needed to find it, could have lied so rita never needed to worry. they've followed each other through bad decisions before and however painful and misguided this one might have been, at least — ) You didn't have to do this alone. I am right here, I was right across the hall!
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[Clever, determined, absolutely ruthless but still human. He regenerates; she needs to have her wounds cauterized.]
You think I'd ever want you to help go through with it? You already made one promise that I wish you'll never have to keep, Clarke. I -
[He sighs.]
It's one thing when all of us are in danger. But if it's just me affected - I always handled things alone.
[He tried to disassociate from Kaori and Akira, even though they were eager to stick by him and fight. One of his other selves even shoved them on a bus out of town. And even though you can't compare two scrappy village kids to a genocidal warlord, a cannibal mercenary, a genius mage and necromancers who know a thousand ways to hurt, this attitude is still ingrained in him.]
no subject
that's the wrong answer.
he's only spared being outright obliterated with another ringing slap because of the reminder of that horrible promise she'd made him just outside the arcade; the one that eats at her heart like a parasite, but one she'd still intended to keep if he wanted it in the end — no matter how completely it would destroy her. that still hurts to think about, feels like a blade stuck through her sternum — and thus that's exactly where clarke plants her hand on natsuno in order to shove him again. )
But it doesn't just affect you. ( odd moment for it, but phil connor's words are ringing very clearly in her ears. and, not for the first time, clarke's own convictions are being pulled into play and summarily found lacking. ) Am I not making that clear?!
Make an argument that the desert was about all of us, but driving off a cliff would only have hurt me, and you still weren't going to let that happen. Do you think this only goes one way?
cw: suicidal ideation
[It comes out without thinking. Natsuno pauses for a split second, almost surprised he said it out loud, but once the dam cracked there's no stopping the rest of the flood. It's time for brutally infuriating honesty, Clarke's reaction be damned.]
You didn't need to drive off a cliff when Skulduggery already volunteered. [There's room for only ONE martyr complex between the two of them, so move the FUCK over, Clarke.] If you'd gone through with it, we'd all known and hurt. With Jinx - no one was supposed to know.
[It's a shit explanation, he knows as much, but the words just keep coming, because this is still how he feels deep down - ]
I'm sorry you had to see it. It was stupid of me to count on the captain to always be on time. But maybe I wasn't making it clear -
my life matters less.
no subject
for a second, she just stares at him, mouth slightly open and tongue a dead weight against the back of her teeth. for a second, she feels and looks like she's about to deflate. for a second, an untapped reserve of tears threatens to mist her eyes again.
then the second's done, and a garbled scream of frustration manages to leak through the spaces between her teeth. clarke could yank her own hair out, stomp her feet, punch a wall again, or pick up a pillow and bite it but, nah. she lashes out to slap him again, harder than the first two and the tingle of impact lances all the way from her fingertips to her shoulder. though this time when she reaches for natsuno's chest again, it's not to shove — rather to fist his shirt between her fingers and bodily drag his face within four inches of hers. )
No. it. doesn't!
( he probably gets sprinkled with a drop or two of angry spit, the argument is heated and the moment emotional. and it's not like she ever really stopped shouting this entire time, but up close and personal, clarke's voice drops back into the strained cracking of someone trying really hard not to wail. angry wail? sad wail? tired wail? yes. )
It matters to me.
You're not disposable, you're not cannon fodder, and you are not an acceptable loss. You may technically be a Shiki, but you're not just some undead monster that nobody cares about and nobody would miss. You're my friend. My — really fucking stupid friend. You matter to me, and there's literally nothing you could ever do that would change that.
no subject
Natsuno's hand flies to his chest like he's going to grab her wrist and yank away from his shirt, but doesn't. The hand drops and he ends up staring down at her furious expression. His own can be very charitably described as a glower, if he didn't look so miserable while at it.]
Why should anyone else decide if it's acceptable -
[The words dissolve into a frustrated growl mid-sentence, because the hypocrisy is starting to get hard to ignore. That's why, that's exactly why he didn't want to get attached again but did anyway, and this time they have the fucking gall to not disappoint him and actually fight like he is more important than anything - ]
I want to agree with you. And I hate it.
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( own it, you owe them that — you have to be alive to continue loathing the hypocrisy. so hate it, live with that, and deal with it. )
If you can't decide you matter, I'll do it for you. You do.
( and then her fingers start to slowly unfurl from their death grip on his shirt. and the proximity of grabbing at his front dissolves into another shove, but it's half hearted at best. then silence. then — )
...I love you, Natsuno. But I'm so fucking angry with you, right now I don't want to look at your face.
( find her tomorrow. or let her find you. right now, she's finally taking a step back towards the door. )
no subject
He wants to say I can't blame you or even I love you too, but he doesn't. He's so tired. Maybe it's better to get some space for now.
Natsuno will think about what she said, though. He was never good at following anyone else's decisions, but... maybe he can listen to her on this one.]
no subject
and sometimes, silence is the best option anyone can take. it's better he says nothing, and better that she turns to leave before either hitting him again or dissolving into a puddle of tears and snot. it's better he doesn't return the i love you in this moment, because there's only so much of that she could take to heart after this stunt and the anxious fear of being left behind that had set in when he didn't immediately resurrect.
so, yes. space. and after a couple steps backwards, and the resounding, weighted silence between them continuing, clarke turns on her heel and storms out of 109. can these doors slam? they're on hinges, right? she's slamming the shit out of this door in her wake. )