Well, the world might cut you down again [OPEN]

[pointofhonoria]

Who: Honoria Crabb & you!
What: Crabb comes back from being possessed
When: Second weekish of November on, mostly
Where: Many places on the ship
Warnings: Discussion of possession, death, etc.
Notes: Feel free to flip me to brackets I am comfortable with either style.


1. And your best might not be good enough [closed to Johnny]

You don't realise how much you take the ability to sleep for granted until it's abruptly ripped away from you. Maybe if she could go right from closing her eyes to dreaming, skip over the quiet, the dark, the almost-nothingness of drifting off, Crabb could bring herself to get more than a handful of hours over as many days, but she can't. So, she hasn't.

She's exhausted. She's terrified. She's still not actually left her room since she woke up, equally desperate for human contact and scared to face the aftermath of everything she missed.

All of this finally comes to a head when she almost passes out standing up in the bathroom, while trying to splash herself with water to wake herself up no less. She barely catches herself before she cracks her head off the sink and the sheer panic that hits is enough to simultaneously startle her awake and realise she really needs to sleep.

Sliding down to sit on the floor, back against the shower cubicle, she texts Johnny: Almost killed myself by falling asleep on my feet. Think I need an assist, here.

2. But just know you're not alone [cabins]

Eventually, she knows she has to brave the rest of the ship. Struggling with such a simple thing as stepping outside her door for more than a few minutes at a time is frustrating enough as it is, but the problem with getting more sleep and thus more energy is the stir craziness that follows.

So, eventually, she bites the bullet. Gets dressed in actual clothes again (pants and one of the assortment of flannels she apparently got delivered at some point) and tells herself she's not going back inside for at least an hour. That's doable.

Still, it's... hard. Harder than it should be. (She's getting kinda a brand new perspective on Johnny's issues, let her say that much...) So maybe you catch her before she's actually managed to leave, on any particular day, standing in the doorway of her cabin awkwardly.

3. And if you slip and lose your way again [food places, calgona, library, photos at sea]

One way or another she does, finally, start trying to get back into a routine again. Stopping by Windjammer for most of her meals in the morning, afternoon and evening—though she'll occasionally stop by Sand Dollars for coffee or a snack. During these times she's quiet, but not hostile to company, and honestly would actually welcome it even if you'd struggle to make her say so.

She starts going to the gym again, whaling on a punching bag almost as hard as Daisy did while occupying her body except, unlike Daisy, Crabb has the sense to wear wraps and stop when she feels her hands getting too stiff. You might catch her while she's still punching away, or maybe after she's decided it's time for a break and is sat against the wall with a bottle of water.

Sometimes, she swings by the library to either sit and read in one of the chairs, or check on the Black Binder and other assorted information to see if anything changed on that front in the time she was gone. Catch her staring at the damage report and mumbling, "What in blue blazes did you all get up to in only a month...?" whilst trying to ignore the creepy drawings.

And then, once or twice, you might catch her stood at the edge of Photos At Sea, staring at the displays from a distance, trying very hard to decide if she wants to risk finding what photos were taken of Daisy throughout the month. Usually, the answer to that would be an unshakeable yes, but, well, Crabb is in fact still very shaken.

Through all of this, she still can't bring herself to use the stairs. You know. Considering being thrown down them is how she got possessed in the first place.

4. Well, I'll know that you will be all right [existing CR or people who met Daisy]

Some people, however, are going to actually get a more... direct visit, from the recently returned detective. Those who she knows that Daisy would have had to interact with somewhat to keep up the act of Being Crabb, or who reasonably might have had a conversation with her at some point in the three weeks she wasn't actually around. People she knows and feels that she can go up to and just ask, "So what in God's name did she say to you, then?"

If you don't know Crabb particularly well but had an interaction with not!Crabb... well, you'll have to approach her first, much as she's tempted she can't actually go up to every single person on the ship and ask them without feeling like an idiot.

5. You still gotta try [wildcard]

Find me at bluecitrine or at artisticblueteam#5757/in the discord.

Comments

[crushed_pearls]

"Am I?" The question is so lost, pleading. The sobs hitch their way out of Erin's chest and she squeezes the pillow harder. "I don't know who Erin even is. I-it's been s-so long...maybe she died too, with my Fetch. Buried far from h-here..."

[not_the_last]

I don't know who Erin even is; that catches painfully on something in her chest, and tugs hard.

"Erin." She says it as firmly as she can, waits for her to glance up, even the smallest amount.

"Erin is you. Here. With us. You're the one who answers when I say that name. And we're here with you, because Erin is someone we care about. Whatever or whoever else you once were."

[pointofhonoria]

"Not a week ago I told you the things I see in you, didn't I? Those things are Erin. 'Course it's harder to see that from the inside out, but we can see it every damn day."

God, she hates to see her like this. Crabb rests her forehead against the side of Erin's head, nuzzling just a little. She's honestly rather shy about PDA, but this doesn't exactly count and back in the theatre she just didn't care.

"You're Erin, here and now, struggles and rough edges and all, and we care about you. I love you and I ain't going anywhere."

[crushed_pearls]

("You're the one who answers when I say that name.")

("I love you.")

Those tangled emotions tip from their fragile center; Erin drops the pillow, and takes a hand each from Cassandra and Crabb, holding them tight while the sobs finally make their way out.

It's an ugly cry. Not even the gods of nightmare could take that from Erin. Big, hitching sobs of relief and sorrow and gratitude that rock her body and foul up the music in her voice. There's still so much to figure out, things her mind won't stop ticking away at because it has gotten very talented at keeping Erin alive.

But for now, for this moment, here behind a locked door, she can take the time to be human enough to cry herself out.

[not_the_last]

She grips Erin's hand tightly, rests her other hand on Erin's back, and stays silent support through the storm of weeping. And watches Crabb, in case she needs her to do anything else.

(Somewhere deep in Cassandra's mind, a calm voice notes: I have never said I love you to anyone who wasn't family. It's a quiet voice, though, and disinclined to interfere with anything else going on.)

[pointofhonoria]

Crabb keeps her head nuzzled up against Erin's even through the sobs, lets her hold her hand as tight as she needs to, rubs her back in soothing circles. She doesn't hush her, but she does mutter the occasional 'we got you', warm and firm. Erin needs to let this out and they can sit steady through it.

Eventually she lifts her head a little, pressing a kiss to Erin's hair and looking up at Cassandra with a note of gratefulness. They're both here for Erin right now and that's probably better for her than if it had just been either of them alone.

[crushed_pearls]

The first sign that Erin may have reached the limit of her ability to cry is when she starts trying to dry her blindfold, which is not wet, against her own shoulder. She sniffles, breathing hard, but feeling...lighter.

So much lighter.

"...'m sorry I said that back there. No excuses, I shouldn't've done that. It's. It's a lot. It's so much all the time."

[not_the_last]

"It wasn't you I was angry at," Cassandra says softly. "... But please, for the love of Pelor, don't do it again."

She meets Crabb's gaze with something of that same grateful look: I'm glad we were both here; I'm glad I didn't have to try to help her alone.

[pointofhonoria]

She gives Cassandra a little nod of acknowledgement, then focuses back on Erin for a moment. She hesitates to bring this up in front of Cassandra in case she doesn't know, but she can't just... it bears saying.

"I ain't gonna pretend I'm not a little frustrated, but it's because I love you that I'm frustrated, y'know? This isn't the first time I've heard you talkin' about offering your life up this month, Erin." She gives Erin's hand a tight squeeze. "It's a lot, I know it's a lot, but I don't... I don't wanna see you hurt, I don't wanna think about you hurt. And you just keep reachin' for it. Different situations, I know, but it's still a trend and I don't wanna see it become more of one, y'know...?"

[not_the_last]

I just don't want you to be hurt --

Hearing the echo of her own words in Crabb's, on top of hearing that Erin has been trying to offer her life up more than once; remembering Erin's incoherent response, I'm not trying to get hurt but it always seems worth it to protect - people ...

Crabb will see Cassandra's face go still and expressionless; Erin will feel her body go equally still against her.

[crushed_pearls]

"...I don't know how to stop." The faintest admission, in a voice of fearful realization. "I had to bleed to shake Liz off my soul and I - I don't..."

[pointofhonoria]

God if that doesn't wrench something in Crabb's chest. She laces her fingers with Erin's and squeezes her hand even tighter. "...then we're gonna have to help you figure out how, then, ain't we? Maybe you had to bleed then but you don't have to now."

She does glance around at Cassandra, the way she goes still. Really hoping she hasn't just messed up by airing that, but at least Erin's opening up about it instead of getting upset she shared it at all...

[not_the_last]

At Crabb's glance she shakes her head -- not in negation, but as though coming back to herself. If there's more to ask about, it is of far less importance than bringing home this message.

"You don't," she stresses, echoing Crabb's words. "You don't have to. You've done that part. It isn't going to help anyone to keep going back to it."

[crushed_pearls]

"...So everyone keeps saying. You two, Johnny, Bash...I just."

Erin draws both of their hands to her lips and kisses them softly. "I'll try. I am trying. I don't want to worry or hurt either of you, or anyone else, I just. Need to figure out what dosage here is medicine instead of poison. I think...I think the move with Siffleur was a good one? A nice clean fight, no hard feelings, a definite benefit for the risk...but it's all so...confused. In my head. Every risk sounds good until I get to the other side and everyone's upset with me."

[pointofhonoria]

Crabb's face softens another notch. "I know you're tryin', Erin. We know, right?" She glances briefly back at Cassandra, as she says 'we'. "And much as I don't like the idea of you dyin' or getting hurt at all, the fight with the cat isn't the worst of it, no. But the rest..."

Crabb sighs. Rubs her face on Erin's shoulder.

"I told you then, but I don't like the risk you took with Daisy, not one bit. Sure, it... worked out, but it might not've. You coulda died and I know you knew that but it don't make it less dangerous, yeah? Maybe it woulda taken longer to make the same point without it but you coulda."

[not_the_last]

She nods when Crabb looks up at her, affirming it: yes, we know. Frowns, as she keeps speaking. Hesitates.

"... Daisy?"

And then, quickly, almost tripping over herself: "You don't need to tell me if it's private. Or right now."

[crushed_pearls]

Erin lets out a deep.

Deep.

Deep sigh.

"...A former passenger, now returned. We had. A strident disagreement about her ability to be heartless, loveless, and cruel. I. Resorted to extreme measures to make my point."

"...It did get made. I. Need to emphasize that."

[pointofhonoria]

Sorry, Erin, but Crabb holds no such compunctions about spreading Daisy's business, and though she's holding back for truce's sake, this is just with Cassandra.

"Yeah, it got made, but you couldn't be sure of that, and gave both me and Johnny damn heart attacks." She sighs, nudges her with her head. "Just worry about you. Like I said, if she ever actually hurts you on her own, all bets are off."

[not_the_last]

"A former --"

Cassandra shuts her mouth abruptly.

[crushed_pearls]

"...Later, Cass. It's not just my story to tell. Or even just mine and Daisy's."

And then, her voice still distant. "I'll sleep here so this can't endanger Helena. But...Christ. There's people who are going to need answers. The kids especially, and the adults who care about and for them. I...I'm not sure what to do."

[pointofhonoria]

"Not all of 'em are owed answers even now, Erin. Hell, not all of 'em will probably want answers. Wait to see who asks it and go from there, alright? Don't throw yourself into the depths just like that."

Another little squeeze of the arm around her back. "And you know you're welcome to stay here as long as you think you need to. Even if I damn well hope any safety concerns ain't gonna matter for long..."

She can't totally rule them out, though. That's the worst thing.

[not_the_last]

"That's good advice," Cassandra says, nodding to Crabb just a little unsteadily. "Wait to see who asks. They don't ..."

A former passenger. A former passenger who returned.

That is not the point of this conversation and she will ask about it later.

"Do you want me to stay?" It's directed evenly toward Erin and Crabb. "Just for tonight, to help keep watch?"

[crushed_pearls]

"I'd like you to stay!" Instant. Almost panicked; Erin squeezes Cassandra's hand and holds it tight. "...Please. I. I can fight the battles that threaten my body. It's the rest I can't do on my own."

[pointofhonoria]

This really is as good a test as any for how Crabb's going to handle anything between Erin and Cassandra, and it... feels alright, actually. There's no sting like when Erin told her about Daisy. If anything she's glad someone else cares right now.

"...fine by me, yeah. Makes it easier for one of us to pop out to get stuff from other rooms or food an' such, too." It means they don't have to leave Erin totally alone.

[not_the_last]

"That's what I was thinking." A nod at Crabb, as she squeezes Erin's hand back.

And then, just a little hesitantly, looks directly at Erin.

"It's going to be all right," she says, keeping her voice steady. "You're going to be all right."