come_sailaway | No Light, No Light in Your Bright Green Eyes

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No Light, No Light in Your Bright Green Eyes

Who: Valdis and Open with Some Closed
What: Valdis does stuff around the Serena Eterna, feel free to join her, unless your name is Nobunaga Oda, and then she’s ignoring you completely
When: January
Where: All over
Warnings: CWs for depression, mention of hallucinations, vague reference to suicide.

You’re my head, you’re my heart | Max Maximum | CW: Mention of Suicide

The days since Skulduggery’s death at the hands of the Captain have been hell. Not just from the overwhelming pain both of them and everyone else had been feeling, but of her own feelings of loss. It was tempting to find a way to destroy herself so she wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore, but it would solve nothing, and her soul was the one thing she had left that she didn’t want to lose. When she finally decides to stop hiding, she just returns to her room, telling Palamedes to not bother her and falls asleep for several days, until a knock comes at the door and she stirs.

And in your place there were a thousand other faces | Bash

Death, and those who touched it often, were not supposed to rest. Skulduggery had said that Vile killed Bash because he couldn’t stand the thought of another Death Bringer. In that respect, Skulduggery not knowing her might have been a mercy. She and Max also might have died. But after what she had said to Bash, and after seeing Jeff during the silence, then Bash dying so violently, guilt seems to be all she is feeling. The man had hurt her, but she had thrown his emotions and fears back at him in a way that only she can, and it had left him feeling like a dark hole of sorrow for weeks, something she could feel from across the ship, no matter where she was. It’s truly a curse, being able to feel. So she’s here, outside his door, ready to knock, knowing he has every right to refuse to speak to her.

“I know you’re in there.” She says, “We can have this conversation one-sided through the door, or you can answer me. Whichever you prefer.”

A Revelation in the light of day | Yato

Valdis is avoiding Nobunaga, she knows whenever he is near and just vanishes before he can ever get close enough to see her. Is it a waste of soul energy when she hasn’t collected any since nearly killing him? Yes. But she wants nothing more to do with him. Yato, however, is a different story. She knows her actions caused him pain, but at least the both of them were alive. She’s on the sports deck when she senses he is nearby and slowly seeks him out. Just after asking him for a new wish, to find something that would make him happy, she does something to hurt him. So many people were hurt that day.

“Yato?”

Would you leave me, if I told you what I’ve done?| CW: Hallucinations? | Open

Valdis sits with her head on the table, seemingly asleep at the Sanddollars, but the entire table is covered in pictures she’s taken from the photo wall. Several of them feature a giant black Hound carrying a disemboweled half transformed Siffleur through the ship, bloody paw prints through the hallways, carnage in Tommy Bahama’s. Some are of her flirting with Nobunaga in the aftermath, and of her and Erin doing the Tango. A few are shredded, but one is just torn in half and if the pieces are put back together, you can see her shadow isn’t that of a human, or a Hound, but of a giant seven-headed serpent, or at least it is what she sees. It might be nothing more than a hallucination. Your choice.

You can’t choose what stays and what fades away | Open

There are books scattered all over the library, flung onto tables, onto the floor on chairs, as Valdis tears it apart looking for information on rules and demons and anything else that might be binding enough for someone to kill the person they love. It wasn’t a game. No one played games with the lives of their lovers. Even she, in his last, suffering years couldn’t do it. He would have hated what she did next. Hell, she hated what she had done next. But nothing ever could have made her lift a finger against him.

Another book is tossed aside. Damn the fact that these are all fiction. There’s usually some truth in fiction. A frustrated, inhuman sound rises in her throat as she grabs another book off the shelf. The title doesn’t even sound helpful so she throws that one too. She speaks quickly to herself, words that no one but her can understand. Words that would normally carry power if she could only remember how to use them or was even aware she was saying them.

What I thought and what I said | Open

Lies. So many lies and so much manipulation over the years. Those involved with the meeting about the mutiny. Skulduggery had killed Clarke because she was a threat to the Captain. Even if Lord Vile was simply a persona, a part of Skulduggery, he was still Skulduggery. How it must feel to put something behind you only to have it rear its head again…

Valdis is sitting and staring blankly at nothing in the lounge, unaware of everything going on around her, completely lost in her own mind, eyes essentially glossed over. She’s not even blinking. But she is armed, so engage at your own risk.

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"Hello."

There's a pretty demonic light in the red eyes. Whatever Valdis was looking for, must have been deep, because she didn't notice him coming, and his mood -- DID improve after resolving his failure with Yato, but he was still murderous, petty, half wanting to torture, thinking how to do it without going after others and burning more bridges. And in the end he settled on...

He's not even that mad with her. He told Teyrey not to be. That he wasn't betrayed, he just calculated wrong. Klaus told him to communicate, and he hadn't with Valdis, because he didn't know her motivations, he always figured he'd find out.

But they need to talk about a lot of things. And while he hadn't figured out how to corner her, this could work.

"Acting a little reckless, aren't you?" No... that's clearly Nobunaga here. "Now what could hold your attention so deeply?"

She pauses every so briefly when she hears his voice, falling completely silent. She'd lost six days after the execution, and now its nearly six after that. Everyone had been suffering after the excursion, but he's the last person she wants to check in on her. She doesn't even growl, just causally grabs the thickest book on the shelf in front of her, Pride and Prejudice, and flings it at his face without a single word or further acknowledgement.

"Hey, give me a break, will you?" Nobunaga tries to catch the book. "Unless it's meditation propaganda, you should treat books with respect." He tried to make a joke, but there's no light to the icy eyes or tone. "Why is it whenever you drain my soul you're the one mad at me for it afterwards? If you're just going to get mad, just don't do it."

A sigh....

"Come on, Queen. What can I do to help you?"

He's a fool if he thinks it's her own fault she's angry, as if he's not the one who threatened to cut her out of his life for being weak, who forced her to stop him in the least violent way she knew how, for giving her an ultimatum. No reply, just another book sailing at his face. An Encyclopedia of Fantastic Creatures. No wait, she wants that one. Too late though as it's headed straight for his face.

He just takes it. Beats the silence from Klaus.

"For the record, you do know Yato and I weren't going to kill? Just cut the rules." He strides closer, not wanting to hurt her, and thinking hard how to do that. Both radiate calm, and try to act as a salve for her instead of the original hellfire he'd thought of before talking it out. Okay okay, Yato's right, talking works, even if it's a giant pain.

"So many broken
Lost souls scattered about us
For you, I'll repair."

He stands next to her, leaving more openings for her to attack, but doing none himself.

Luckily he brought her book back. Is he still murderous? Yes. Is he one of those broken inside? Probably, but he can't feel it under a fucking glacier of ice. Maybe she can, but he's trying.

Valdis bites back a bitter laugh when he tries to soothe her rage with poems. She isn't him, it's not that easy. But she does turn to face him, her own eyes glowing a deep, blood red. He's holding the book, so she snatches it from his hands and walks away before she makes any lethal decisions. Luckily for him, she does not appear to have Revelations with her today.

He didn't expect it to be easy, but he follows along anyway.

"First Klaus now you."

He hates it. Being walked away from. It has never happened. Not like this, full of meaning, burned bridges, and distance.

"I can't fix things if you don't even let me try."

"Tell me, Oda. If you had to feel the deaths of all your friends as if they were your own, if you had to feel the sorrow and rage and agony of their loved ones, if you had to feel the pain of two lovers who know one has to kill the other, and you had a friend throw your care for them back in your face all at the same time...what would you do?"

Valdis turns to face him, the fire still in her eyes, the book clutched to her chest. She knows he hates it. She's trying so hard to not throw his emotions back at him, she's also in tune enough with his soul to know where he's been the last several days and how hard he's trying to shield her right now. Her breath catches and she turns away again, looking for the fastest escape route.

"I'd ask them for help."

That simple. He's been more frustrated about this the past week than in all his life. That was the difference in... everything. Everyone else and him. Maybe he really was a selfish demon after all. Everyone else wanted to spare their friends, have their pride, privacy, independence.

Can he even say it's a future thing? When he literally yelled it at Skulduggery?

"And I am the very worst man at such a thing." After all, what happened when it didn't come? At least he had the luxury of taking that chance here, and yet... "But I know to accept help when it's offered, whatever form it takes. I trust no one but motivations." He thought he trusted others, apparently that was wrong. "But people need to resolve other people's issues to grow stronger, closer, be their best versions. I cannot ask for help at my worst. I have to be saved, even if I beg not to be. But if someone has enough conviction to rescue me when I say not to? I will give them the whole damn world and anything they could ever want."

Who is it these Americans see when they look or think of him? How did they come to the idea they couldn't tell him no? Well, okay Valdis for sure, but that he can fix! But still, hasn't he been constantly encouraging her freedom? Why the hell does she think that doesn't mean with him too?!

"I do not want mindless minions. You, of all people, know this best. Explain yourself."

"That's the problem isn't it," she replies, moving toward the exit she has found. "You weren't capable of helping, no one was. You threatened to cut me out of your life if I stopped you, called me weak, and I stopped you anyway. Yet here you are, demanding that I explain myself, when I already told you. So either you were too blind in the moment to hear me, or you don't believe me. I don't know which one is worse."

She reaches the railing and vaults over, dropping down a story and rolling as she hits the ground to avoid injury, all the way back to her feet. She looks back up, book still in her hand. Good luck following Nobunaga.

You don't know that.

He could have done it.

How many times do I have to tell you: I'll never throw away my queen? You're the strongest ally I have. He was angry, sure with himself. He didn't talk enough with Valdis, she didn't know or understand him at all. He never told his true goal, and he assumed she got it wrong from Teyrey. He wondered how much a toll the Captain's presence took on her.

Maybe it had been all confused in his own head. He thought his mistake was in seeing her as neutral or unaffiliated, or just undecided. But maybe he was seeing her too much like Mitsuhide. He so desperately needed his left hand that he forgot he couldn't use words that meant one thing, while doing another, and everyone around him knew what it meant and to act on their own. Or even knew how to tell him off. He did demand a lot... but as he told Jeff, that was truly his lowest bar set!

He didn't cut her out of his life, because she did still try to defy the impossible, didn't she know?

Americans.

Nobunaga goes back to the library, and sifts through the stacks of books she'd been through trying to find the commonalities. At least he's a damn good reader and there's nothing much he's doing these days. Why demons???? It couldn't be about him right? Ugh. His hand goes to his heart. Before Halloween he'd worried how much the Demon had grip on his soul. It had faded for two months now. None. There was no demon left in his soul. It's just him. One and the same. Kipposhi isn't warring with the Demon King of 6th Heaven, and the sacrifice to summon him was...

Nobunaga punches a wall.

Exactly thirty minutes later, An Encyclopedia of Fantastic Creatures comes flying at Nobunaga's head again, followed by an absolutely furious Valdis standing across the room.

"This is the most useless encyclopedia of mythological creatures I have ever seen. It would be easier to name what is in it than what isn't. Ghosts. Werewolves. Not in it. Hellhounds aren't either. Why? Because this library only has fiction and I am a Hellhound and therefore they are not fictional. But you know what is in there? Demons. So congratulations, you aren't a demon, you are just an asshole."

Edited 2023-01-02 00:57 (UTC)

He would laugh if he wasn't supremely fucked. He takes out his phone and texts her.

Is it better for you like this? How far away should I be to help you?

Out loud. "30,000. It took 30,000 in one night to summon me as Demon King of 6th Heaven. I tried to abolish the idea of sacrifices at the base of creating new castles and bridges, and you mean to tell me because there's no fictional books on it, that's all real? Luis Frois told me I was truly fighting a holy war against real demons. I always scoffed. Demons and gods aren't real. Gods are real, I've met them. You mean to tell me, it is more reasonable to sacrifice lives to summon demons, to accept these rules by gods without the temerity to face their subjects, to obey laws no one wants simply because they are already in place, than to what, exactly, my precious Hellhound? Fight? Risk the pain, because it can always get worse? Risk sinking deeper into Hell? And you wonder why I find this lack of conviction too weak to hold up against my own?"

Erm. Text.

Just because I never believed it, doesn't mean I didn't study it. Ask me.

There are songs about me and others on the jukebox. If you want, I will go with you to Johns and help you see them. People know of me from history.

Not everything is fiction, all the fiction is based on some reality. Like Dracula. Hilariously pointlessly wrong. And Lovecraft. I bet the Captain is a mi-go and they have magic tentacle sex.

She throws her phone at him next.

"What do you want from me you pathetic mortal. You want me to apologize for not turning into a monster and killing you, for leaving you alive? If you want to play with the beast, just say the word and I will unleash her upon this ship and everyone on it."

The words should have been accompanied by fire, but the tone is more like ice and every single shadow in the room has also gone pitch black.

Edited (canon verbage) 2023-01-02 04:15 (UTC)

Nobunaga calmly, slowly showing he didn't intend to use weapons at least walked forward to her.

Should he bow? Does she even understand that meaning? He doesn't want to waste it, now more than ever. It can't be cheapened if he does it without her knowing, but it is for himself, so it'll have to wait until he knows she does actually understand. Or...

No. She had to know. She SAW Yato's defiance. There was NO difference in Nobunaga's.

He gets close, takes both her hands if she lets him, (does she know his phobia about that too? He's told Crichton, Klaus, and Ari, but he'd only just not let Valdis touch his hands before... It's the hardest thing for him, because it immobilizes his capacity to reach for weapons or even his fan to defend. It's how to pull him in and kill him, but Valdis was always able to kill him anyway!) and bows deeper, and stiffer, than he ever has to anyone his whole life.

"Thank you." He can't move out of the bow. It hurts. He's sorry Yato. Seems like he's only compounding the suffering lately. He'll get stronger. This is a first step. And he promised. He begged Skulduggery to at least accept help when it's offered. Even if it's not from the Captain.

"I know I hurt you. I know you were hurting more than everyone, feeling all of their pain, including the Captain's. I didn't want anyone else to die, including me. I didn't want Klaus to cry, and I failed. But you did your best and I'm grateful, so thank you. I will never throw away anyone in my army." He lifts just his head to fix his red eyes on hers, wondering if he'd even know if her eyes are red or green now. His earnest feelings, his pain. He had wanted to protect her from them, but if she, Klaus, Jeff, and Crichton, thought he was saying they were weak; rather than the opposite! Then she would have to suffer, just like he warned. He never held back on anyone, he didn't treat anyone, even weaklings, with a capacity to be handled with kid gloves. He didn't know how, and couldn't afford to, even here. "And never ever my Queen. If I thought you were weak, you wouldn't be allowed near me in the first place. You're so strong, I thought surely you knew it, that you didn't need me to tell you. That even telling you would be insulting. That I could show you with actions which speak louder than words. And..."

He only lifts some to effectively bow again! Eyes back to the floor, almost wishing the rest of the ship could see him now, to understand their relationship. "I'm sorry. I didn't trust you. I didn't know your motivations, you told me you never have faith in people, and we never discussed the Captain, or my goals. I don't know that I even told you much about Skulduggery. That he's the only person from nearly the same century as me. That he was the one who convinced me to work on freeing everyone, not just making them happy like I first intended. That I suggested a book in the library to share information -- which clearly didn't work out like either of us thought."

Sigh. "We need to reach an understanding, you and I. It is not enough for me for those I care about to live. Freedom is always important. I have been purposely pressing that button with you, thinking you would understand it, prove to us both your strength especially with it, but maybe it's just because I'm fucked up, and wanted to see what it would take for you to kill me. And that's not fair to you, especially without telling you. Dangling temptation like a steak to a starving wolf. That's my demonic self, but you deserve only the best, including out of a demon king like me." She could call him a mortal, but it didn't change a damn thing. That was always his other point about everything.

DEEP BREATH, NOT LEAVING THE BOW! "Everyone has been telling me to communicate. I'm trying. But I need you all to help me. Doing my best isn't enough, I need your help. And thank you for not abandoning me. I will get stronger to be a more valuable ally for you."

As he speaks the icy teeth digging at her begin to loosen. She's still furious with him, eyes still a bright scarlet. For being a hypocrite. For assuming she can read his mind when all she can do is tell what he is feeling. For sassing her in a clearly inappropriate circumstance. And then he has the gall to bow and apologize and thank her and promise to be stronger for her.

"You should have led with that."

It's not an offer of forgiveness, more like he's at least on the right track to receive it.

Edited 2023-01-02 17:48 (UTC)

He pulls out of the bow, and gives her a most formal salute.

He's not looking for forgiveness, he would have told her, just understanding and compromise towards working together better.

"Truly, my Queen, I could not." Besides it's more fun his way. Ehhhhh.... Maybe shouldn't say that.

"Can I help you? Even as far as sharing information or discussion?"

She doesn't reply immediately, just keeps that scarlet glare fixed on him.

"I lost six days, Nobunaga. If you had wanted to help, you should have listened to me before giving me your ultimatum. You all left me to face it alone. Do that again and you may not like what comes back."

Nobunaga's anger is still ice.

"You drank me down so I couldn't move. Even speaking, I could not be heard. I hawk whistled, and still saw everyone ignore me. I couldn't move properly for three days. Klaus left me. On account of that, I assumed I would be literally toxic for you to be near as I am not in great control right now, I'm sure you know. I cannot even see color. The last time this happened was when I first truly became the Demon King of 6th Heaven with a sacrifice of 30,000 of my own countrymen. And no one seems to understand what I wanted, what was I thinking, or why I said what I said. Yato was even worse than I was. His internal organs were all shot. And before you say that was going to happen to me too if you hadn't forced him to revert me --"

She remembered the ultimatum so--

"It wasn't. We weren't attacking the Captain. We could have cut the rules themselves. But my fear of you," a snarl, "Made me too dangerous for him to use. We wanted to prevent your pain, and anyone else from dying." He's angry, but his volume doesn't raise above the icy toned temperature. A glacier. Or perhaps even an iceberg. With only the tiny tip on the surface. "You felt abandoned? Everyone did. I will make you a blood pact right now. I will never abandon you again, but from now on we have to work together on things. I do not mean you can never defy me. Please continue to do so always. We can draw up one of your lawyer contracts or whatever else you wish laying out everything and add to it daily. I will make no more threats, I will not give you orders, just like I do not Mitsuhide, I give him suggestions. Or I tell him what I will do, and he can plot around it and do so without me knowing. But you must stop trying to reign me in too. I am not a horse. You can throw me in the pool, you can use me however you wish, but you must never ever try to lead me. Do you want to be a ronin, a General, or my one and only Queen, of which there are no others?"

A head tilt. "I did not call Genesis then. But if you wanted to talk about it, to make me stop, say so. Call Genesis, and I will. I will know I'm heading too far, and I don't want to hurt you."

With Mitsuhide, he tells Nobunaga all his schemes in advance so Nobunaga doesn't get killed. Now it would seem... Nobunaga would have to become that to Valdis? Except Nobunaga wasn't planning anything, he was reacting with speed. They had to build a better foundation really. That would be step one.

"Explain to me your powers, the problem, and I will help you. Always. Forever." He hates it. A soul contract, with a hellhound, even if not technically a demon. But it's Valdis. There are millions of exceptions he can make for her. And her alone. He never made an exception for Klaus. That's weird now that he thinks of it.

"You don't understand it at all, do you?"

More silence.

"You say you wanted to spare me pain, but you certainly made it worse. And you did it on purpose, using your hatred and memories of hell to weaponize my power against me. You left me no choice."

Is that what he did?

"I'm sorry." His... hatred? No. That's not him. Hatred is the one weapon he'll never ever use. Never has. Never would. It's ineffective. It costs too much, and the scorched ground gains nothing. Like the salted crops of Dedue's homelands. Not even his army of demons would have been allowed that. What had she felt from him? Or was it directed at him? Wrath? Pride.

"Valdis..." he tentatively holds his hands up to her. "Search me. My soul. If I had any hatred in me, it could literally kill Yato. Not just what the Captain did to him, and my anguish hurting him. I used my memories of hell. You shocked me. In a way I couldn't handle. I did purposely try to hurt you, and force your hand, and for that I am sorry. But it wasn't the goal. My goal was so you knew exactly the next step beyond this. May I touch you?"

"I am intimately familiar with your soul."

Anger is just one step from hatred, or so says Yoda. Not that he would understand that reference. His apology is genuine, moreso than the one several moments before, but still falling short of what she needed from him. Just as what she had done to Bash was nearly unforgiveable, what he had done to her was the exact same thing, but in a moment when she was barely hanging on. Bash was a better person than she was, to even consider forgiving her and perhaps going so far as to help.

She wants to say no, that he has lost the right to even consider touching her again, but she believes he has no ill intentions. He had even asked. She still wants to punch him though.

"You may."

He rests his forehead to hers and gently holds and arm around her shoulders.

Nobuanga would absolutely let her punch him. Repeatedly. But violence tends to go sideways into sexual for him when it's not someone to just dispose of or teach or slot into some easily defined area.

"Let's break the rules that say people have to be sacrificed for greater good. Let's free everyone to find their own happiness, including the Captain and Skulduggery. Let's make this world a place people don't do that anymore. Let's help everyone see life isn't about this suffering, it's about the other things: the joy, the peace, the fun. I'm sorry, I never told you. I'm sorry, I didn't trust you. I thought with time I would. That I'd come to know your motives and that would be enough. Maybe I can't ever. But I can take a chance on you. You deserve peace too. Would more of my soul hurt you? I know I've been in a sorry state, but Teyrey's been looking after me as fastidiously as Hideyoshi."

She does not relax when he touches her, but she doesn't push him away either. His words do cause the rest of the anger to fade away, the fangs releasing her soul from their grip.

"I wish I could pretend with you that sacrifices don't have to be made. I have to know what the rules are before I will cut them down with you. What risks we may face if I fight by you and Yato. Knowledge is the ultimate power, it is how we will win."

She almost can't believe he is offering his soul to her again, but that is what she asked of him, back before she and Ari had their contract.

"I do not think weakening you now will help Yato recover. For his sake, I will decline." Unspoken And yours.

"That's my aim too. I'm not as reckless as I seem, even when Yato and I do things like this, there is always secondary and tertiary gains, I never have just one. Oh, and... I'm sorry. I should have at least told you, I'm not like Teyrey. I haven't been lying to her, but I hadn't been clear with you, that I know the Captain is trapped too. I've tried to tell even her, but she gets worked up on her ideas of what she wants and refuses to believe. I almost broke her on the expedition. It's part of their L-Space training. They have to look for the safest routes, even if it is slower, even though the most valuable thing in the universe is time. So in a strange way, she reverses it. Because she has not learned how to look for the route with maximum success. Or the impossible ones, which are rarely safe. And she hasn't had enough years to understand how to buy herself more time. It's okay, I can handle that, she learns faster than even Ranmaru!" SO PROUD! "But I worried you might have thought I was like her, thinking to kill the Captain. I will never."

As for the rules, and the sacrifices -- his heart seizes... and he slowly pulls her into the one-armed hug.

"When you are better, when I am stronger and less hurt, we can discuss demon sacrifices. But I don't want to today. I call Genesis on that for now. For myself. And I appreciate you looking out for me." A soft smile. FINALLY. Maybe not sunshine breaking through the ice storm clouds, but no more ice falling, and it even lightens the grey even more. "Yato won't get drained by my energy, but he would be in agony from my sorrow. If you want to help him, he needs offerings. I don't know how it is in Christianity. I mean, I know about tithes, and that kind of thing. Old Testament sacrifices. In Japan, the typical offering wasn't money because..." EYEROLL, "We had none before me. So it's sake. Though he likes anything. Medicine is good too, and general donations. He might like a thank you card. I'd give him a prayer tree, but we don't have plants."

He hesitates slightly and finally. "Valdis, I really respect you. I value you more than I show. Please don't think I ever underestimate you. I think I went too hard. I thought I could say the gravity of what I wanted, and serve the intensity to substitute the sheer depths of my thoughts. Clearly, no."

Library / a week in

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