come_sailaway | [Closed] If I'm a sinner

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[Closed] If I'm a sinner

Who: Max Maximum, Murderbot (I.E. Security), Valdis, potentially a doctor
What: Backdated aftermath of Max playing with a cougar [NSFW!]
When: Backdated to.... whenever this was in January
Where: Max's shared cabin + library
Warnings: NSFW, discussion of sexual topics, violent kinks, blood, violence, biting, injury--ya boy's a mess

[Closed to Murderbot]

Once he's finally strong and coherent enough to stand and dress himself, he attempts to do so without getting too much blood on his clothes. That's tricky, especially with a significant wound on the back of his neck. It should probably worry him how numb to it he feels, but he can't summon much in the way of regret. That mark is gone. His master's mark. It's... going to hurt later he's sure. He can worry about it then. For now, he needs to sneak back to the cabin and clean himself up in more ways than one. His pants and suit jacket should conceal most of it until he can get showered. That's what he's counting on as he swiftly, if tenderly, walks out of the Tommy Bahama and back to his cabin. There's just one problem with that plan... he hasn't noticed the drone that's tailing him. He thinks he's gotten away with it right up until he opens his cabin door to step inside.

[Closed to Valdis]

He's trying to lay low while his love bites heal. Which means he hasn't been going to his usual places in the morning. Working out on sore muscles with fatigue from blood loss is a bad idea, he knows that much. And he can't exactly go swimming with that big bandage on the back of his neck, either. He tried to sleep in again but he couldn't keep himself in bed past seven. He needs something to do, so he wanders to the library, hoping to find it quiet in the morning so he can just pick a corner and skim through something in peace. Unfortunately, he doesn't realize that when he bends his head forward to read, it causes that bandage on the back of his neck to stick out from the collar of his shirt enough for anyone to see.

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So it was Siffleur. He's probably the only one on the ship who would act with such consensual violence. Valdis is tempted to call that out, but the look in his eyes, so sad and even scared for some reason, means she can't, even if she wanted to. Max has her wrapped around his finger and she will never admit it to anyone. Her gaze drops to the ground, unable to meet those large eyes.

"I know I'm not enough for you. That you have needs and desires and wants that I can't offer you. And that's fine, but don't hide from me. Let me feel these complex feelings...please."

She won't order him to not see Siffleur, or to not be reckless or pursue his needs. She doesn't have that right and she's not going to exert control over him like his master did.

"What?!" he bursts out. Not enough? She thinks she's...?! "No. No! That's not what I think at all."

She won't look at him so he has to get up from the chair and come closer. He's practically aching to fall to his knees in front of her.

"Valdis, please don't say that. I... I love you. That's why I... I didn't want you to see how weak I am. I'm the one who isn't good enough."

Everything suddenly freezes and the world shuts down to just the two of them. A millions different things race through her head, everything from 'Of course you do' to 'You've only known me two minutes', but none of them validate anything except her own refusal to be loved.

"You what?"

"I'm not good enough," he repeats, not realizing what part of this has actually shocked her.

"I'm scared all the time and I make you look after me too much and I... I wanted him to rip that brand off me. I wanted him to because I... for the first time I actually felt like I didn't want to be E-Erik's anymore." Max hugs himself tighter, his face screwing up as he tries to fight a rising sob.

"I know it was stupid. I know. But I... I wanted to belong to myself for once. B-but even then I-I... I just liked being bitten so much. I... I can't escape it. No matter what I do."

He finally crumples to his knees, curling up on himself. "I don't deserve your love. I'm already too... damaged."

Everything seems to have stopped working. Time. Breathing. Logic. A million different things that just cease to be important or necessary. It's painful to see him sobbing on the ground, thinking he is unworthy of her. It had never been that. Not with anyone. Worthiness had nothing to do with her decisions. Now or in the past. In all honesty, anyone who claims to be worthy obviously isn't.

"Love isn't something that is deserved," she says softly, placing her hand on his head, "It's something that's given."

He closes his eyes and leans into her touch, desperate for her comfort despite admitting he doesn't think he deserves it. But, her words somehow pierce that cloud of self-loathing and land against his heart. The sob he's been holding in finally escapes.

"I love you," is softly whispered on trembling lips in its wake. "I'd give you my heart if you wanted it but I..." he has other people he loves--people he wants to share his heart with and others to share his body with, too. Does that mean she really can't be enough for him? Was this doomed from the start? Is he only hurting her worse now by clinging on?

"What do you want me to do?"

Now is the exact moment when she should speak the lies that will result in a wall between them. He'd believe every one of them, because he already thinks they are true. But it would hurt them both too much, and it's not something she can take back later.

"First of all, I want you to stand up," she says softly, "And then I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me what you want."

Because he needs to make those decisions on his own, she's not going to make them for him.

He swallows hard and nods. Stand. Okay. He staggers up, taking a big breath to fortify himself once he's back on his two feet. He should have seen this coming. She's been pressing him all this time to become his own man. He was... trying. He has to keep trying. That's what he keeps hearing, over and over. It's so hard. It's so confusing. But for her, he has to try.

He meets her eyes with the weight of the universe floating behind those dark irises. "I want you. I want what we have. It's okay if we just stay friends with benefits. I know I don't have a right to ask for more. I just... I don't want to lose you. You're one of the people I trust most in the whole world."

It takes everything she has to keep her eyes on his, to look deep into his soul and see how much he is struggling. As much as she wants to retreat into safety, to push him away and protect herself, she can't bear to hurt him. So the truth is her only option.

"I'd give you the world if you asked for it."

A smile emerges through the tears. "I don't want the world, I just want to keep you in mine."

Tentatively, he reaches out for her. "And...I really want a hug right now."

The most terrifying part is that she wants to keep him in hers, and there are no guarantees that either of them will be able to stay. But after all that, he's feeling almost confident enough to articulate what he wants and that really should be enough. Valdis steps into his space, gently wrapping her arms around him, aware that he might have more injuries that he's not telling her about.

She'll be asking questions about this 'Erik' later. She assumes it's the name of his master, in which case she needs to know everything. Just in case he ever shows up. But this moment is for Max, not her.

He all but falls into her embrace, leaning heavily, trusting her strength to keep them standing. His chin rests on her shoulder his soft murmur close to her ear. "Security made me promise to tell it if I... if I ever went to meet Siffleur again. Because I couldn't promise I wouldn't. I'll tell you too, next time. I'm sorry I tried to hide it."

She catches him, holding his weight and her own. His murmur doesn't bring her any joy, in fact a stab of irritation makes her bite her tongue before responding. She's not going to tell him he can't. He has to make his own choices and then live in the consequences of those decisions.

"Just..." Is it even fair to ask him to not do anything he wouldn't be ok with her doing? He's human and she isn't. "Come back to me. That's all I ask."

"I will. I promise." A wave of relief washes through him when she doesn't outright forbid his doing it again. She could have, and it would have compelled him to listen. But that craving would have always lingered... a forbidden itch.

"I will. Because... you make me feel safe."

He's so soft, and warm that she can't stay angry with him for hiding his injuries from her. There are so many things she wants to tell him, but Valdis cannot bear saying anything that might restrict him from finding out more about himself. She doesn't like how self-destructive he's being, but is she really any different by not driving him or Erin away. It would only take a few words, but she is too selfish to say any of them.

"Tell me again how you feel about me," she murmurs, "I want to hear it again."

Because coming from him, it feels so true. It's exciting and terrifying, just as it should be.

She wants to hear it again? She isn't... upset with him for feeling this way toward her?

"I love you, Valdis." His tone is as firm and sure of that as his soul. "I love you."

If she didn't need to hold them both up, she would melt into his arms at the sound of those words. Of the conviction behind them. Of the truth in them. And yet, none of that would matter if she didn't allow herself to return any of it.

"Mitt Hjerte," she whispers in his ear. "I love you too."

I love you too. Joy bursts in his chest like fireworks going off behind his ribcage. She loves him. She loves him! It confirms all those feelings of safety and devotion he's harbored for her. For all she tries to hold herself aloof and away, it means the world to him that she can love him in return.

There's nothing he can think to say that could ever encompass what he's thinking. But, that's okay. She can sense it, can't she? She can read his heart like an open book. His arms wrap tighter around her, possessive now. As if he's finally let himself believe he's allowed to have this. And he just... feels. Lets it wash over him, all the things he couldn't put into words. How being by her side makes him feel like he belongs, that he trusts her to respect him and not just use him. That she really does want only the best for him, unselfishly. He believes that, unwaveringly.

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[Closed] If I'm a sinner

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