(open.) in spite of ourselves

[decrypter]

who: helena and others!
what: variety catchall for the month.
when: end of july/ all of august.
where: across the boat.
warnings: likely discussions of death.

Comments

[moonlesstides]

~Yes.~

No audible sound, for a moment, until Grace reluctantly thumps the top of the machine she's sprawled on before returning to hugging her frog plush close to her chest. Even her mental voice sounds miserable. ~I am a mortal thing after all. I learned what I needed to. I...hope this may be a relief for you.~

[decrypter]

"There is no relief for me to know you suffered."

There is no judgement, not yet, and Helena uses the sound to find the machine, settling next to it. The metal is cool against her back, and it's easier to talk like this.

"Where is your mind at, currently?"

[moonlesstides]

~It attacked my legs, Helena. I can't wake screaming, and I need, so badly, to scream.~

[decrypter]

"...Have you tried? Screaming with this new voice of yours."

At least one of them should be able to yell when she needs to.

[moonlesstides]

~It is not what I need. But I appreciate that you tried, Helena. Did it tell you what happened?~

[decrypter]

"It did. It told me that it shot you there, and that it let you go."

A pause, her weighing how far to go.

"Your attack succeeded, in the end. I was there when it died."

Held it, so it would only know love while it shut down.

[moonlesstides]

There is a sound, the closest thing to a sigh that Grace can make. ~That was not the mercy I intended. I had thought...it seemed in great distress. I would have killed it quickly, painlessly, if it had accepted my offer. But rather than a refusal, it attacked. And now I do not sleep in more than fits and starts. It does not escape me that this must be what I did to you, at first. What we all did to you.~

[decrypter]

What you all did again and again, flashes hot and sharp across her mind, but thankfully Grace's powers do not let her read thoughts. An instinct, swiftly suppressed - drawn out through how her sleep currently is too light, too fractured. This time, at least, it's her own fault, and it's why her words are gentle.

"...It eases, if you find something that makes your nights safer. It'll be easier to find that on this ship - a way to ground yourself, and remind you that you are here, not there. Be that something to touch, a way of calming your mind, or a person."

Or, she knows very well, you get used to sleeping like that.

[moonlesstides]

~...I am being neglectful. You suffered as well, Helena. I should...try to support you. Though I do not know how.~ Beat. ~Wait.~

Cloth, rustling against metal. Grace's arm displacing the air in front of Helena's face.

A plush frog, dropped into the poet's lap.

~His name is Jack. A magic plush woman gave him to me from the glass prison in the room of lights.~

[decrypter]

She gently strokes the plush's face, tucking it in her arms to hold for a moment.

"She was kind to do so."

But that's not why she's here, even though she'll keep Jack for a moment. Her feelings towards the other woman are still a tumbling, turbulent thing, as yet unformed, but it is instinct that drove her here. The same instincts that had her writing for the Captain. Instincts that have been given a little more to grasp onto with Grace's apology, as vines need stakes to rise up from the earth.

"Grace...you don't have to support me of all people right now. I'm used to coming back after death, and you aren't used to dying at all. I came because I know exactly how mixed up it makes you feel." A pause. "Sit with me?"

[moonlesstides]

The gentlest poke on Helena's nose. ~Friends support one another. This is the law.~

But she comes down, resting her shoulder oh so lightly against Helena's, the barest pressure. ~Helena...you will go again, won't you? Telling yourself it is no great thing to die?~

[decrypter]

"Yes. Unless something forces my hand. Of everyone aboard, this is what I can do for them. More than words, more than poems, more than my friendship or love."

She can be a fuel source, again and again, throwing herself into the engine so that they might survive. Accustomed to her own suffering, but here, she chooses where to put it.

"It's a novel thing, to die for a reason, rather than the obscure rites."

[moonlesstides]

~...Pact with me. We can trade places. One goes, and the other stays, to help and to anchor. We are caught again in a game of sacrifice but if I am no longer your enemy then let me be your teammate.~

[decrypter]

She shakes her head, poking the cheek of the frog plush.

"I would be unable to hold myself to it. Better me than those who have reason to stay behind. The more the willing can go, the less we need to fear that the unwilling will be made to."

Unspoken, the fact that she's good at this. She knows the routine. They both do, just from opposite ends.

"Only when something roots me in place would I refrain. But it would leave me feeling like others were dying for my sake."

I realize a lot of these are short tags but this is kinda the vibe rn

[moonlesstides]

~I killed you often enough for my own sake. For fear of the penalty, for rage, to win. Is it such a terrible thing to you if I die for your sake every so often?~

[decrypter]

"I don't want you to die for my sake. I can pay my own way on this vessel."

Even as she says it, she knows it won't make the other woman happy. It doesn't make any of her friends happy. It doesn't make her happy. But it's better to be able to stay behind. To have a choice, instead of the Captain's hand being moved to disperse them all in misery.

"Don't die because you think you need to atone that way. Die because you want to keep hold of what this place offers to you, to me, to all of us, because you have friends who aren't as good at dying as me who will need to stay behind. Die because we will eventually find the shore, and we need to keep the ship sustained until then."

[moonlesstides]

~Helena, if I thought dying made a sufficient apology I would have done that far earlier. It feels as if you are not grasping my position on this matter, and while your wisdom is pleasing to hear this is quite frustrating to me.~

Grace shifts in place, leaning her harpoon back against her shoulder; it tinks against the washing machine. ~You are one of the things I wish to keep hold of. To preserve, and to see thrive. How will you find time to grow if you feed yourself into its gaping maw month after month? What will become of your becoming? Our very first argument was about this and you are still all too eager to die when your friends and allies would be better served if you lived. I...can only apologize in advance for the words I am about to say, but I know no others that we will both understand. You are playing a losing game, Helena.~

[decrypter]

The words hurt, as Grace knows they will. They hurt, because she can't fight them off. She was doomed to lose from the moment she stepped into the match, and she knows, but she has to keep running. There is no other option.

"And what would I do, while they died on my behalf? Write about their pain? Sit there counting the hours until their return? I do something beneficial, if I add to the fuel."

Usually, it does not bother her, everything she cannot do. Today it does, right now it does - that crushing feeling of needing to keep moving, lest everything she doesn't want to address comes back.

"I want to be out of here, Grace - you can't fathom how much. Somewhere I can be with those I love, those I care for, where they know joy instead of fear. I need this ship to keep carrying me there. If the engine's gears have to be greased with my blood, then they have to. I want to live so badly that I will die as many times as it takes to get there. It's...selfish of me, I know."

[moonlesstides]

~I am asking only that you reconsider your strategies. This game changes, you have said. We must change with it.~

Beat. Grace's next words are almost rushed. ~I fell in battle with a fierce golden warrior, whose voice is strange and rolling. Not an old man, but a young one, who was kind enough to grant a swift death when I asked. He reminds me some of both the Antiquarian and the Forward, but mightier of the arm than either. I wish to thank him, but do you know this warrior? Will he understand?~

[decrypter]

"You will have to point him out to me, if you see him. If I know him then, I will tell you. But I believe anyone here would understand - a quick death is a true mercy, when the alternative is extended suffering."

Bleeding out, or the agonized crawling when someone was feeling a bit too sadistic, or the slow build up of pain. There are many unpleasant routes to death.

"...Is it strange, if I say I'm glad for you?"

[moonlesstides]

~Why should it be? I learned what I wanted to, and I am glad of it, even if the journey there was...unpleasant. I will not make haste to die again, but as you have said, the ship must sail on. I am no god, but if I can help to grant your boon, I shall. Perhaps I might be fortunate enough that we run ashore in a place that will not see a monster when they look upon me.~

[decrypter]

"Do you think you are seen as a monster here?"

Here, where the definition of a person yields the word human as unnecessary.

[moonlesstides]

Grace doesn't answer out loud. She lets out a shaky breath, kept quiet as all the sounds of her murdered voice are, before she reaches out and taps Helena's far arm.

Hug? Is that okay?

Are we friends enough for that?

[decrypter]

She turns towards Grace, not fully understanding, but trying to. What is it? What does she need right now?

[moonlesstides]

~I. Would like to hug you. I have discovered hugs recently and they are. Good.~