come_sailaway | Lights Go Out and I Can’t Be Saved

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Lights Go Out and I Can’t Be Saved

Who: Valdis and Open with Some Closed
What: Valdis does stuff around the Serena Eterna, feel free to join her
When: September
Where: All over
Warnings: In each starter

Confusion never stops | Crichton | CW: None

Valdis hasn’t seen much of Crichton since she tried to remove Harvey last, but with her and Cassandra’s suspicions, she knows she needs to talk to him. He appears to be in his room on this particular evening, so she gently knocks on his door.

“Crichton?” She calls softly, trying to find the balance between worry and rage.

It’s not his fault that Harvey took over and started targeting people, but if he’s losing time again, she felt that he should have told her. Or at least somebody.

“Are you there?”

Closing walls and ticking clocks | Siffleur | CW: none

The one person she’s been avoiding is also the one person who she needs to see and it was only a matter of time before the two predators ended up in the same room by accident or on purpose. There’s a tightness in her chest when she sees Siffleur at one of the tables in Sand Dollar, anxiety perhaps. She’s been refusing soul energy again for fear of killing someone. She’d managed for awhile last time, but she knows she’s weakening herself by not having any backup.

But she still tries to ignore him, making some coffee and heading to a table with lots of room for escape should it be necessary.

Gonna come back and take you home | Open | CW: none

Valdis is struggling, but trying to keep her schedule as normal as possible. Meditation in the morning sunlight, sword practice in the afternoons. Reading a book from Cassandra in the spare quiet moments. Sometimes she practices what she’s reading, but mostly it seems frustrating for her and she’ll shut the book firmly before grabbing something else.

She’s doing her best to not withdraw from her friends, but she is less outgoing than people are used to, spending hours in the library or drawing people she knows on the ship.

Event Starters | Open | CW: The flowers are dangerous

Red Rose:
A rose by any other name is still as sweet and the red roses growing on vines in the library smell sweet. So sweet that anyone who smells them falls in love with the next person they lay eyes on. Valdis is wearing a makeshift mask and trying very hard to avoid getting too close to the flowers as she searches the shelves for a specific book.

Angels Trumpets:
Valdis sits in Sand Dollar reading, and another of her sits across the table, the one clearly trying to ignore the bookless one as she smirks and says in hushed tones:

“It wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t gotten so weak. Trust is so human.”

Purple Hyacinth:
If her past self following her around hadn’t been bad enough, the purple hyacinths growing outside her door decided to make her day even worse. Faces of the people she’s killed, the ones in the village, keep coming to mind. People she knew. People who didn’t deserve it. People who had once been friends.

She’s back at the bar and drinking as much as she possibly can, making sure it’s not the non-alcoholic stuff. She needs the real stuff and anyone who sees her can clearly see that she has probably had too much, even if they know it doesn’t affect her.

I could not stop that you now know | Wildcard | CW: As Necessary

PM to discuss or just go for it!

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It does feel natural. Comfortable. When she settles in his lap he rests his chin on the top of her head.

He couldn't make her romantic promises about forever. Hell, he didn't even know how he got on this ship. There wasn't a lot of certainty in that. Could he just get yanked away and sent back home? "It scares me too." His voice is quiet against the top of her head. "Feels like it would be worth it though."

"Would it?"

She knows how much he's lost and felt the lingering pain in his soul, pain that never goes away no matter how much times passes.

"You have lost so much, how can you be so willing to try again?"

"I know you have lived alone with your pain and loss and all the other shit that feels horrible. So have I." He paused just long enough to find her hand again and lace their fingers together. "It's hard to explain without sounding fucking cheesy. But...fuck it. I'm going to say it anyway. I think the pain of loss is a reminder that what you had was real and it was meaningful, even if it wasn't forever. I spent decades miserable and alone because of my fear. Now I know. I know it will hurt when it is gone but I know any love that causes that pain was worth having."

He grins against the top of her head. "Maybe I'm just a masochist."

"It's normal to want to love and be loved."

She squeezes his hand, wishing she had it in her to flirt and joke and generally tease him about frivolous things instead of feeling miserable and filled with regrets.

"Some people believe that they will see their loved ones again in the afterlife, but that is not possible for those who continue to linger long after they should have moved on. I would not wish immortality on anyone." She smiles a little. "Though I do admit that having mortal enemies is far more useful than having immortal ones."

Perhaps a mild joke to lighten the mood.

"But we're not exactly normal. Is it something you want?"

He likes this. There doesn't need to be flirting or joking right now. Just being close feels good. He feels content and at ease, even if what they are talking about is very serious. He's quick to get into bed with people. Too quick sometimes. Those relationships never last. Maybe this time he needs to do things differently.

"I've lived a long time, longer then I should, and I'll live even longer if I'm not dumb about it. But I can't imagine living as long as you have. That's a lot of history to live with and get lost in. Selfishly though, I'm kinda glad for the immortality thing. You wouldn't be here without it." He kisses the top of her head and the arm around her gives a squeeze. "Speaking of mortal enemies." His voice is light and teasing. "I kid, she's not an enemy, I like her, but Erin came to talk to me."

She knows the answer to his question, but she's not going to voice it out loud. Ash likely doesn't need to hear it to know she wants to love and be loved, but even after learning she can and is, it's still hard to keep adding to the risk she's taking. She breathes slowly, trying to sink into what he's feeling instead of what she is. He seems so much steadier than her right now.

"What did she tell you?"

Changing the subject was a good idea before he puts his foot back in his mouth. He is playing with her hand as they talk, thumb rubbing against her hand.

"Well," He smirks and shakes his head. "Nothing much. No juicy details about what you said about me. Just a warning about not asking for a threesome." Ash ducked his head against hers, his cheeks warm. "What did you tell her that made her think I needed that warning?"

Edited 2023-09-23 01:25 (UTC)

"She gives everyone that warning, even poor Max."

She continues to breathe slowly, watching his fingers rub against her hand.

"I did tell her it was unnecessary. That you were respectful and careful, and that she didn't need to worry about you."

"Everyone, huh?"

That isn't the description he expected to hear. Respectful and careful. His hand slipped from hers and slid up her arm. Then under her chin, gently tipping her chin up so he could look her in the eyes.

"Is that what you want, respectful and careful?"

When he tips her chin up she gently takes the offending hand and lowers it, but doesn't pull away or grow tense. He doesn't know, so she needs to communicate it.

"Yes, it is what I want," she says softly, looking him in the eyes, "and I would appreciate it if you didn't pull that particular maneuver again."

Valdis squeezes his hand, closing it around her own. She's already forgiven him for the offense.

His eyes blink a couple of times and he nods his head.

"I...uh. Yeah. Of course. Never again."

He would have pulled his hand back but she was still holding it. His cheeks were dusted pink with embarrassment.

"I wouldn't have kissed you without asking. I...wanted to ask. I'm sorry."

"It's not you, Ash. It's just memories that I still have reactions to despite them being from an entirely different lifetime."

He's...so gentle that she would really like to punch whoever hurt him. Valdis knows he isn't as confident as he pretends to be. He, Max and Erin deserved so much better.

"I also told Erin you were kind," she continues, kissing his hand. "Do you want to know what else I told her?"

"You don't have to explain, Valdis. Unless you want to. This is the second time though...so it's at least a bit my fault."

Watching her kiss his hand he swallowed hard.

"What did you tell her?"

Valdis does want to explain. He needs to know it isn't him and that what she asks of him isn't to lead him on or keep him away.

"I told her that I didn't feel that I had to hide parts of myself from you. That you were steady but gentle, like water. You move first to understanding and then, if necessary, work to solve the issue. You don't sit in anger or give in to unhelpful emotions. Being an empath, this makes you...nice to be around."

He wasn't sure what she might have said to Erin. When she tells him he is surprised in a good way. It felt good. He's never been described the way she has. There's a shy but humble smile on his lips.

He's use to being seen for how he looks, the money he has, the things he possesses and what he can do for other people.

"You give me the same thing. I don't have to hide with you. Feel like even if I did get lost in my emotions you could pull me back from it. Earlier you said that you know I don't want to dwell in the past and I'm sorry I made you feel that way. Like you couldn't talk to me about something. Just don't want you to get stuck in the past but if that's where your mind is, if that's what you need to talk about, I want that too. Not just the neat, pretty feel good shit."

Ash didn't want her to ever feel like she had to hold back anything about herself. He gave her hand a soft squeeze.

"And I want to know why I shouldn't touch you a certain way. It happened after the melee and now. I'm a very physical person...I love this, just sitting here being this close to you. Holding hands, cuddling, kissing... whatever, I'm affectionate. That doesn't mean you are. Or that I should touch you without asking. So I need to know what you're okay with, what you want from me. I don't want to keep doing stupid shit."

He's almost happy with her words, soft and relieved with how she sees him and she in turn appreciates that he sees the same things in her. Him wanting to know, to understand why she is the way she is...because he wants to be better for her. She never had this with Max, but sweet Max didn't have an ounce of war in his blood. War doesn't make people incompatible, but it makes it harder.

"I..." she begins, interlacing her fingers with his. "I told you that everything I was was destroyed in order to make me into what I am now. I know you cannot imagine it, but I'm sure you know people capable of such things...How would they shatter the soul of an empath, Ashley? How would they start destroying them before even touching them? And once they were out of ammunition, what would they do to send them over the edge?"

She lets him sit with that for a moment.

"I was the human equivalent of 18 when I was taken from my home. I sat in Hell, feeling everything, while they tortured my friends into the next life, as they were revived with broken souls and a dark hunger. Then they came for me and did the same. We were things to them and even after, with the power of Death flowing in my veins, I was still a thing. Just an incredibly powerful thing with the mirage of freedom. I didn't have a soul though, so I wasn't really capable of caring. But I do have one now, and I also have all the memories of that little girl. Time can't erase that. And those damned flowers are bringing it all back again."

The weight of her hand laced with his grounds him in the moment. Keeps the anger he feels over what was done to her from turning into full blown rage. He can't change it. Can't take it away from her. She doesn't need his anger. Or his pity. Just his understanding. He stares at their hands as several, quiet minutes pass.

Touching her wasn't just about the violence she had endured. It made her feel like an object, like property.

"Valdis...if I ever touch you or talk to you in a way that makes you feel like a thing...like an object...tell me as plain as that. You don't have to be cautious with me when it comes to how you feel. And I'll back off...let you lead. Follow your direction."

She lets him sit in silence with her and his feelings. He goes through them in the same way others have, though perhaps with more understanding and less impulsive rage. Valdis squeezes his hand.

"Ashley, if I were worried about you touching me like I'm a thing I wouldn't be here. I've been putting men in their place for hundreds of years, and I have the power to back up my words. I just..." she trails off. "I don't want to be detached again and the more I allow myself to feel and remember, the more fear comes to the surface. There has to be a balance somewhere between who I was and who I am now, I'm just struggling to find it."

Like she had told him before.

"And it's not like things have been simple. We spoke after the melee when I had been betrayed by a friend and just now when I'm trying to drown my sorrows and regrets in the bottom of a bottle."

"I know you can put me in my place. Even if you can, how I make you feel matters to me. That's all. I don't want you to feel like you would have to put me in my place but could talk to me like we are now and trust that I would fix it."

He sighs softly and holds their laced hands to his chest. As much as he would love to be able to rush into romance with her he knows it will take time. She told him before that she's trying to find balance. A new relationship probably isn't the best thing right now. He's been thinking too much about what he wants.

"That's why I say you lead, I follow. You're trying to find balance for yourself. And I'm over here trying to fucking...I don't know...make out like a horny teenager. You don't need that shit from me. Like I said...I want what you are willing to give me. I need to back those words up."

Valdis takes a breath in preparation to answer, but she doesn't say a word, just feeling his heart beat under their intertwined hands. She does trust him, which is strange and a little uncomfortable, but it's like she can't help herself.

"You aren't as horny as Erin," She replies finally. "Or Max. Or at least you have better control over those feelings. I'm used to lust and desire, I am very beautiful after all."

Her tone and aura lightens as she makes the last comment. Her confidence in that at least is very high.

"Max has repaired so much hurt. I don't know if you've met him, but I couldn't help but fall in love with him. He broke down every wall like it didn't exist, but I'm finding that some of them still do. I like flirting with you and being in your presence, but I don't want to lead you on or make you feel like you'll never get anywhere, or that our wants can't become mutual."

He grins at that. "You are very beautiful and I am likely just as horny. Just think I'm older and have learned to keep that under control when I need to."

Ash nods and that smile doesn't fade. Not when she mentions Max. There's only one other person he wants in the same way he wants her. "I...yeah. I've met Max." He shakes his head. "I'm not one of those guys who thinks the friend zone is a thing. Or who thinks just because I want you that you are obligated to want me back. You aren't leading me on."

He felt a lot more then want but telling her all of that felt like pressuring her. Ash doesn't want to feel like he's trying to convince her to feel how he feels. If she does it'll happen, if not...he can't make her fall for him.

"I don't...mind your feelings, or mind you trying to pursue me, I...would actually like that." The old ideal romance, the gentle pursuit of affection. "Just maybe don't bring me any real flowers you happen to find on the Eterna. It has been well stablished that they are cursed."

She rests her head on his shoulder.

"You have permission to woo me, because I do trust you."

As patient as she needs him to be, she also needs to find that balance and that might mean pushing herself instead of dwelling on it.

"Good, 'cause I would really like that." He chuckles and rests his head against hers when she settles against him. "I'm one step ahead of you. But my origami skills need work. Figured after I ran into Security and he wanted to cuddle something was wrong with the plants."

He's grinning, hiding it by tucking his face against the top of her head.

"That is the cutest thing anyone has ever said to me."

"Cute?" she scoffs quietly. "Sure, but I still have claws."

Not that he needs reminding.

"That's balance, baby. Being cute as shit and still having claws."

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Lights Go Out and I Can’t Be Saved

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CW: Torture, Assault, death

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