come_sailaway | Whatever it Takes

Entry tags:

Whatever it Takes

Who: Valdis and Open with Some Closed
What: Valdis does stuff around the Serena Eterna, feel free to join her
When: November
Where: All over
Warnings: In each starter

I’m a Product of the System | Open | CW: None

She’s mostly been forgiven for Tiamat’s actions, but it’s still all out there for people to look at on the photo wall. Valdis remembers some of these, but thankfully Ash’s death isn’t on there. There are other photos since the last time she was here, with other passengers, which is of course why she is here, to see what everyone else has been up to. She’s not the only murderer on the ship, they all play their parts when needed.

“When was the last time you killed someone,” she asks absently to the next approaching person.

A Catastrophe | Open | CW: None

Part of her no longer cares about dying, and with the daggers out of the way and the important people having their names to protect them, Tiamat has no more power. Or at least not enough to scare her. She has the twin blades out and practices with them, slashing with a speed that would terrify most. Valdis isn’t afraid to show off her power and skill, they are necessary to survival. With a single, swift slash one of the dummies falls into two pieces and she turns on the other, prepared to ruin that one as well.

And Yet a Masterpiece | Max and Ash | CW: Probably gonna be NSFW

Being in love with three people isn’t fair, but it is wonderful that she has found them all at the same time. Valdis had gone from no one, to so many she doesn’t want to ever leave the Eterna and lose them, but that might not be something that is up to any of them, and all good things eventually end. Still Ash’s emotions upon hearing that she knows when he and Max are together shows her a very missed opportunity. So she will text both.

Max, I still haven’t properly made it up to you after Tiamat and I think we need to talk to Ash about how all this is going to work. Dinner at 8?

Ash, we’ve been dating for a bit now, and I know you are also dating Max, and I am also dating Max. We should discuss this, don’t you think? Dinner at 8?

But I’m Half-diseased | Open | CW: Blood

Valdis sits in Sand Dollar, sketching scene after scene, person after person. Some are passengers and others people from her past. One might be familiar to those who went on the excursion, Fenrir. Occasionally she’ll close her eyes and hold her breath until something passes, other moments she is paler than usual, and some of the drawings have red splatters on them. She has several empty cups of coffee on the table and several red stained napkins. Anyone looking at her would know she is clearly unwell, but she’ll greet anyone who approaches with a smile and a polite greeting.

Wildcard | PM or just go for it

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ash is out and about riding his newly acquired skateboard around the ship in the areas without carpet. It's not surfing but it will do.

This is a spot he hasn't been before. Or he passed it but never thought to stop. Seeing Valdis is all the encouragement he needs.

Ah. This is what she was talking about when she said she didn't want them having sex to end up on Photos at Sea. Good call, that would have been awkward. Still standing on his skateboard he shifts his hips back and forth to move the board back and forth.

"If the creepy undead shit on the last excursion doesn't count," He pauses to tick off the months in his head. "Ten months ago. Big pile of bodies...is there one of me?" He asks as he steps off the board so he can get a better look at the pictures.

He hadn't told her much about the excursion, but she had sensed new death on him upon his return.

"Several, the invisible photographer seems to be everywhere at once sometimes."

She points out a few of him doing various things on the ship.

"Ah, remember this?"

The two giant hounds in the pool.

"It's a little creepy." He mutters as he examines the images. There is a rush of relief when he realizes his death wasn't captured on film. Other people had not been so lucky.

Ash grins when he sees the picture she is talking about. "Of course I remember that." Standing behind her he's looking at what she is looking at. There is more going on here then nostalgia. "That's when I fell hard for you. Couldn't have stopped it if I tried."

He pauses. "But, that's not why you are looking at these pictures."

"There are never pictures in our rooms," she says as if reading his mind.

"Yeah, well, it's when I started to fall for you too, but no, I...I know I shouldn't be, but I'm trying to piece together everything Tiamat did. I wasn't conscious for all of it. Killing used to be second nature to me, but it isn't anymore."

He brushes his hand against hers. "One bad moment behind closed doors doesn't take away from every other good one."

His pinky catches hers and holds it. "You say you shouldn't be. Why? Why shouldn't you? But at the same time...why are you?"

"People keep telling me it isn't my fault. I know five passengers is a small number compared to some of the body counts on the ship, but most of them were people I cared about. I still don't know why she didn't target Max, but I'm glad she didn't."

He always seems to know how to soothe her, his touch, even just the sound of his voice. He and Max are so similar in that way.

Ash doesn't understand why Tiamat went after who she went after or why she spared Max. Thinking about it too much got heavy for him. He tries to think about it from a purely tactical standpoint. Tiamat wanted to hurt Valdis to keep control. "I keep telling you why it isn't your fault...tell me why I'm wrong, why is it your fault?"

"It felt like no one fought back."

Except Ava, but Ava had sworn to not let Peter get hurt again, Tiamat had miscalculated with her. Arthur had started it in his case and deserved what he got to some extent. Even Nobunaga had hesitated for a split second.

"Even people who didn't get killed. Erin stayed away. Klaus just avoided me. Daisy kept her distance. It just made me realize that the only thing my powers are good for is killing, and those powers...I've always known I could use them to massacre the ship without even leaving my room. I wouldn't ever do that, but the fact that I am capable of it and that those powers were harnessed by someone who would."

If the Captain hadn't refused Tiamat, it's possible the goddess would have done exactly that.

"How can I not feel guilty?"

Ash starts and stops a few times. He hates being unsure of what he wants to say. She is so logical. He's a big, bleeding heart. Of course his emotion is what got him killed but after talking to Siffleur about it? He's not ashamed of the choice he made like he had been at first.

"I think we all fought back, just not in the way you expected us to." They didn't give Tiamat what she wanted. She wanted to hurt them, yes. She also wanted to destroy the bonds they had with Valdis. Pervert their love for her, crush the trust. Make them question Valdis in the same way she was now questioning herself. Ashley never would have been able to touch her again if he had done what Tiamat was pushing him toward.

"I can't answer that. I keep trying to. You were just as much a victim in all of this as any of the rest of us. What would you tell me if I were standing in your place right now? What would you tell Max?"

"I mean, for one thing. I would have straight up killed you had our positions been reversed. Without hesitation. You're big enough and strong enough that I couldn't afford to mess around. If Max had been the one possessed...I would have killed him too."

That's not what he had asked though. She sighs and shakes her head.

"But say I didn't do those things...I would tell you I loved you, and that I forgive you and that we'll work through it together."

"I thought about it. I knew I could change forms and tear you apart faster then you could crush my soul. What I also knew was that you were killed and when you woke up Tiamat was in control. I didn't know what might happen if you died again. I need you to believe that I thought through every option. More importantly I want you to believe me when I tell you I have not ever thought it was you that killed me. It was your body, that's it."

Standing behind her he presses his lips to the top of her head. She had been in incredible amounts of pain because of Siffleur's mother when he told her he forgave her. That didn't matter he would keep telling her again and again until she believes him.

"I love you and I forgive you. And we'll work through it together. You gotta talk to me for that last part to work, sweetheart."

"I think you underestimate the power of death, but thank you for not tearing me apart. I could still feel physical pain, I just wasn't physically in control."

Valdis still doesn't know what he wants her to tell him.

"Killing didn't used to bother me. Even in my life before here, I could kill without much guilt or a second thought. But on the Eterna I actually started to feel things, real things, and I opened myself up to believing them, to caring about people. Then Tiamat targeted those people and I couldn't stop her, and no one could hear me screaming at them to stop her."

"Maybe I do underestimate death. Maybe everyone underestimates me. I just know that I couldn't help her continue to violate you and your body and that's what she wanted."

He doesn't want anything specific. She said they could work through it together and that's all he's trying to do. And failing. Max would know what to say. Erin too. He struggles to find the right thing with her.

"She targeted those people because she knows we make you stronger. Strong enough to contain her. Of course she came after us. Valdis, your best defense against her is the love you have for us and that we have for you. She attacked that. She did not you."

"I know that."

She sighs, her fingers that had balled into fists relaxing at her sides.

"I'm not looking for logic, Ash. I have talked myself in circles with logic. You wanted to know how I felt, right? What happened?"

"I was going for...understanding. Not logic. I do want to know. I want you to be able to tell me everything. I'm more concerned though about what is happening with you now though."

He noticed her hands and at first wanted to reach out and take hold of them but he held himself back. Ash didn't want to further upset her or to have her pull away from him.

"Are you pissed at me because I'm not upset with you over what happened?" He's a little irritated but not over Tiamat killing him.

“Oh Ash, no. I’m not angry with you. Not in the slightest.”

She turns to face him taking his hand.

“I borrowed a ring from Erin that blocks my empathy. I can’t feel anyone right now, so you don’t need to worry about that.”

"Okay. Sometimes I think it would be easier for you if I were mad. If I yelled and got angry over Tiamat killing me. I know you think I don't like to dwell in the past and that's true to a point. I don't ever want to move on just to move on and ignore something important that we need to work through. I'm sorry if I have ever made you feel like you need to keep things to yourself."

He brushes his thumb along her jaw.

"To block Siffleur's mother?" Ash looks down at her. "I worry about you, Valdis. About the guilt you're carrying. What you said about being a killer and your powers. I love you so damn much. I hate that I can't help you."

"I don't think it would be easier, it just...feels like it would make more sense than forgiveness. And I am a killer. Have been since my home was burned and Fenrir took me from Eden. Hundreds of thousands of dead humans, angels and demons can speak to that. I even killed my own father and two of my packmates."

She meets his gaze steadily.

"And you do help, just by being here. It's not that I'm purposefully keeping things from you, it's just that...it's difficult to talk about things that show weakness. Especially right now, when I can't tell how you feel about any of it. Sometimes that makes it easier, to be alone with my own feelings, but it also feels terribly empty."

"Is there anything about the way I love you that makes you think I put conditions on my love? You accept me for what I am and what I have done. Why don't you deserve that?"

Ash shakes his head at her.

"I think it takes a lot of strength to be open and vulnerable. That isn't weakness. And I don't think you need empathy to know how I feel. I can't imagine how hard it is to process your own emotion as an empath."

“No. Yes. I don’t know.”

To answer his questions in order.

“It’s really hard to stay myself sometimes. When everyone around me is feeling things, it’s hard to keep track of my own emotions. It’s hard to feel how they feel about me and I can never tell if I deserve the hatred or not. Then there’s you and Max and Erin, and the same question exists, but as an opposite. But at the same time, this ability has kept me alive. It’s allowed me to shift and morph how I act to fit in, to make people react in certain ways, it gives me an advantage in conversations and in life. It’s wonderful to know when people are happy, But it also hurts, because people everywhere are in pain and I can’t help them. And right now, with all of that cut off…I just feel empty.”

Right then he was thinking how beautiful she was when she was raw and open like this. Vulnerable. Seeing this other side of her made him feel even more love for her. He hated feeling like that when she is feeling empty.

"But you aren't cut off from your own emotions, are you? Maybe you need that every now and again. Time to feel how you feel, not anyone else. How would you ever know if how you feel about other people is real or not? Or some kind of feedback loop. You feel that I love you and mirror that emotion. Don't you want to know if those emotions are really you?"

"No...I."

She knows that feedback loops happen, it's the worst with Arthur, and Flan also impacts her ability to differentiate. But her love for Ash is real. If it wasn't, she wouldn't feel so comfortable with him now. She wouldn't be able to be vulnerable if she didn't trust him.

"They are me. I'm just used to not being alone in my own head. The quiet is strange. I always thought my empathy made me...different from who I used to be. Being able to feel others meant that I couldn't fall into old habits and become more like Tiamat."

"So you aren't empty just alone with how you feel. Empathy or not those of us you are close to? You know how we feel. That doesn't change just because you can't feel it. You can't be like her because you have love. You feel it and you give it."

He always feels himself being drawn to her. She is his heart. Ash gets closer, His hands curling around her shoulders. The way he looks at her it's so obvious how he feels. A man deeply in love.

"Let's get out of here. Go somewhere. Can think of a few things we can do so you don't feel so alone in your head."

No. Not completely empty, just lonely. Maybe it's crazy to want it back when she's probably better off without it. How many times has she imagined not having to care so much about what other people feel, but the look in his eyes is so grounding.

"What kinds of things," she asks softly.

"Well," A smile starts to form on his lips. "We could do something perfectly innocent. I could take you up to the sports deck and teach you to ride a skateboard. Grab some edibles from Bobby B's and a mountain of ice cream. Grab my laptop and go watch a Disney movie in the theater and maybe make out. Totally PG-13, I swear. Cuddle in the pillow pit and listen to music. Hot tub with drinks. Bowling. I bet you look cute in bowling shoes. The spa, I can paint your toes and rub your feet."

Ash gives her a quick, soft kiss. "I have some not so innocent ideas too."

Photos at Sea

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