exile [closed & open]

[prince_of_beasts]

Who: Dimitri, CR, and you
What: Reunions; aftermath
When: Dec.23rd onward
Where: Around the ship
Warnings: Survivor's guilt, PTSD, delusions, suicidal ideation

1. you've got sucker's luck (Darcy, cabins)

Mornings, every morning, Dimitri paces outside the cabins. It can't really be called 'patrolling'; he's too agitated, too sunk into himself. He starts at the fifth hour, and goes until the seventh, just in case, just in case.

When Darcy wakes in her bed, Dimitri's already pacing tight circles in front of her door.

2. oh you meant so much; have you given up? (Ossie & Giles, the cottage)

He's asleep on the doorstep when the latch of the gate clicks. An ear twitches. Dimitri's up and running before he's fully registered the sound, streaking down the path with a desperate yowl.

A few moments later, a fluffy yellow cannonball slams into Ossie's chest.

3. does it trouble your mind the way you trouble mine? (Okie, Playback)

Okie's already left his cabin by the time Dimitri gets to it. Any thought of his ship phone is buried under three weeks of compounded exhaustion and hysterical grief, but a string of frantic questions leads him to Playback.

"Okie?" he calls, flinching as the flickering lights rake across the back of his skull. There's a shape, a familiar silhouette, Dimitri's heart breaks -- "Okie!" He bursts into a run and does not bother slowing down; he launches himself into Okie with a rattle of thunder, and kisses him on the mouth.

4. did you fall for the same empty answers again? (positive CR)

Dimitri searches for the people he knows. Anyone, everyone, any name he recognizes from that accursed signup sheet, desperate to know they made it back, that they didn't slip into some pocket of void on the journey between wherever-it-was and here. He knocks at cabin doors, paces through familiar haunts, occasionally remembers his ship phone long enough to send Are you back? Are you safe?

If he spots someone around the ship, though, he freezes in place, mouth open, eyes wide, face a marbled blotch of exhausted bruising, tear-stains, and bloodless terror. His throat works, but the most sound he can manage is a choking rasp.

5. oh, you're thinking too fast, you're like marbles on glass (open; pick a location or throw me your own!)

Eventually, the frenetic energy driving Dimitri has to run out. His spring unwound, he stutters to a stop wherever it leaves him:
- at the buffet, midway through reaching for a serving-spoon;
- in a stairwell staring blankly at the landing;
- in the showers on the sports deck, shoulders red from too long under water running too hot;
- in Sand Dollars, hands wrapped around a steaming paper cup;
- at night, at the edge of the upper deck, hands white-knuckled on the railing.
Always standing, wherever he comes to rest. His expression is hollow, his skin waxy, his hair greasy and limp; if he's called out to, he might look up, but his eyes are bleary and don't focus.

does it feel like a trial? (wildcard)

HMU in DMs here or bird1312 on Discord!

Comments

[saltwaterlungs]

"Mitri?"

Darcy squeezes a little tighter on his arm.

"It's okay. I'm here. I'm back. What's with you?"

[prince_of_beasts]

"It took you all -- " Dimitri chokes. "Cass and Tayrey crossed out their names but it took them and it left," a sob heaves out of him, "me -- a-a-and my family, I know what they need, but none of you would tell me and I didn't," another breath, his speech running faster and out of control, "know how to save you, I should never have let you go without me, I should have gone with you, you know I'd rather -- I didn't, I'm sorry, I'm sorry -- "

[saltwaterlungs]

Darcy pulls him into a hug now, if only because if she doesn't she'll start to doubt if she is back at all, and if she isn't really just haunting him.

"It's okay- it's okay, we're back, I promise- it's okay, it's okay, you didn't need to do anything-"

[prince_of_beasts]

Oh.

That's.

Solid.

And cold, pulling away some of the feverish heat that's built in Dimitri's face and chest.

And. And. And.

Shaking violently, his hands come up around Darcy's back. They meet weight, volume, substance. Flesh and bone. Here. Real. Not gone. Not lost to him. Not another gravestone weighing on the noose around his neck.

Dimitri's knees buckle. He squeezes his brother tight enough to shift the water in Darcy's lungs, buries his face in her shoulder, and howls.

[saltwaterlungs]

"Mon coeur," her voice is a little choked from being bear hugged by a dude who can flip cars, but in a way it's good. Makes her feel real again, in a way that the pain did back when she was imprisoned.

"Shh- shhhh shhh, it's okay, it's okay. I'm back, shhhhh, it's okay."

[prince_of_beasts]

Later, Dimitri will realize that they're outside the cabins, and he's breaking down in front of everyone else who's waking and emerging into the hall. He won't care. He loves his brother, he grieved his brother, and the more people know that, the better. Fragmented words escape through the gaps between a breath and the next heaving sob. " -- thought you -- I'm sorry -- couldn't -- please, please, don't -- I didn't -- "

Darcy's seen him break this hard once before, and only once.

[saltwaterlungs]

And just as that last time, Darcy bears his weight. If anyone is walking past, Darcy doesn't care enough to look, carefully reaching up to cup his face in both hands.

"It's okay- it's okay, we're okay. Shhh," she keeps soothing, "Miti, it's okay, I've got you."

[prince_of_beasts]

Dimitri presses his forehead to Darcy's. Her hands are cold on his face; it's the only thing keeping him from collapsing into parts and slime, disarticulate, held together only by the threads of his own self-loathing.

"S-somewhere," he manages finally, gulping air like a landed fish, "quiet? Where -- "

[saltwaterlungs]

A nod, and Darcy separates just long enough to open the door to her cabin.

"IF THERE'S SOMEONE IN HERE, NO THERE ISN'T," she bellows, waits a few seconds, then carefully guides him in.

"I can't shut the door, but we can talk in here."

[prince_of_beasts]

It's going to be a while before Dimitri's ready to talk about anything. His legs buckle without his input, dumping him onto the couch, where he wraps himself around Darcy and dry-heaves with the force of his sobbing.

"Don't," he pleads, small and strangled, "don't go -- don't leave me -- I-i'm sorry, I'll do anything, just, please -- don't leave me alone again."

[saltwaterlungs]

Darcy curls in on him, all her sturdy strength returned to her. An upright column, once again.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not, Miti, I'm not, I promise. I'm not going anywhere."

And she kisses him on the hair, once and twice.

[prince_of_beasts]

Dimitri shudders. Comfort is painful, after so long. It's been three weeks of grief, but a lifetime of guilt, compounded every hour they've been gone. It doesn't leave him empty -- there's more in him than a dozen lives of weeping could pour out -- but the pressure eases enough for him to breathe.

"What happened?" he croaks.

[saltwaterlungs]

"It was a village. The weird evil spy village that Peter had been trapped in, because it was run by the guy who ran it back in his world. He... kept us there. For fucking ages. And the whole time, he tried to break us. Get us to- to see things his way. Drugs, and torture, and whatever else."

...

"They didn't break me. That's the important bit. They didn't break me."

cw emeto

[prince_of_beasts]

Dimitri is very, very still for a few heartbeats, each of which stretches on until the end of the world.

Then he bolts, scrabbling for the bathroom, where he retches acid from his empty stomach into the toilet.

[saltwaterlungs]

"Okay, well, I thought that last bit would be comforting but fuck me I guess," she grumbles quietly, following Dimitri into the bathroom.

"Hey," and she sets herself beside him, "it's okay. We all got out."

[prince_of_beasts]

It's all Dimitri can do to hack into the toilet. The ceramic is cold, at least -- until the smell of bile gets back up his nose, and he flings himself backwards, slamming his shoulders into the cabinet.

"Sorry," he wheezes, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. It does nothing to stop the dry heaves. It's in his sinuses. His head spins, the world warps, and suddenly the cool stone floor is very very bad -- he flings himself back past Darcy and into the room. He leaves himself crumpled on the floor; doesn't trust whatever's going to happen next. "I'm sorry," he repeats, "I-i'm sorry, I should have -- it should have been me -- "

[saltwaterlungs]

Darcy stays to the side like a cat owner watching their cat do zoomies, just trying to stay out of the path of destruction.

"No, it shouldn't have. You would've done way worse on this one, it was a good thing that you didn't come with. I'm fine, Miti, honestly."

[prince_of_beasts]

That's almost worse. If Darcy's fine, then Dimitri must be uniquely weak; then every oath Dimitri swore was meaningless, and he'd only ever have been broken at best and warped into a weapon against his dearest at worse. And how can it be better that Darcy suffered in Dimitri's place? How can he be so selfish?

He draws his knees to his chest, knots his fingers in his hair, curls over himself so tightly his ribs ache. " 'm sorry," he chokes, breathing through wheezing gasps, "I p-promised -- it should've, i-it should've -- "

[saltwaterlungs]

Darcy realises pretty quickly that her cold and measured responses are not. Working. And that whatever cold that has gripped her won't be shaken enough to offer any comfort. The kindest things she can think to say will still be crushing. She needs help.

So out the door her head goes, and she hollers-

"DEDUE-" wherever her brother goes, he isn't far behind.

[glassaxolotl]

Dedue has been up, of course. He knows how important it has been for Dimitri to check on the passengers each day at 6 am. He has given Dimitri some space to do so on his own, but he is awake should he be needed. So when he hears that call, he is soon down the hall.

“Darcy,” he says breathlessly, looking relieved to see her. He glances over at Dimitri and mumbles something in Duscur that the translator clumsily picks up as “By every god” and kneels by his side, rubbing his back.

[prince_of_beasts]

Dimitri leans into Dedue. He doesn't relax, but his wheezing gasps come a little less frantic. His shaking eases, less coiled to bolt.

He's making sounds that might be attempts to explain, but nothing intelligible is coming out.

[saltwaterlungs]

"Hey-" Darcy says, and puts herself on the other side of Dimitri.

"We've got to stop meeting like this. He was freaking out- thought I was dead, and when I calmed him down from that he started freaking out about not being on the excursion."

[glassaxolotl]

“He has been upset about this for some time,” Dedue tells Darcy quietly.

“He... We... were concerned that you would not return. Moreover, Dimitri feels responsible for the suffering of the excursions after destroying so many hourglasses. He has wanted to participate in each excursion as a result. I was the one who discouraged him from attending this one.”

cw mild self-injury

[prince_of_beasts]

Dimitri rakes his nails down the back of his neck. Blood beads around the scratches. A deeper heaving breath draws some air into his lungs.

"I s-swore," he gasps, "that -- t-that He'd never t-touch another soul -- "

He flinches like he's been struck, and hunches back in on himself.

[saltwaterlungs]

"Oh, Miti," she says softly.

"It wasn't just your fault. We all did it. You wouldn't force Erin to go on every excursion, you shouldn't..."

She reaches for his hand, to try and give it some other job than drawing blood.