it'd been with a clipped decisiveness that she'd withdrawn the hands digging into his back, snaked them up to flatten on his shoulders and firmly push the two of them half an arms length apart. that's the very edge of her frayed restraint though, and with the dip of his head a green light of acquiescence, she drops both hands away from him. just one, the left, swings back up to absolutely crack natsuno across the cheek with an open palm.
that does a little to ratchet back the belt that's been constricting her lungs since she first walked into that closet and got the terrible confirmation. but it's still not enough. so she makes a strangled sort of ugh noise in the back of her throat, halfway between a gag and a sob. then slaps him again, harder — to the point where the idle tingle dancing across her palm turns to an actual ache. vampire or not, she knows he still feels pain, but that isn't entirely what this is for. less i want to hurt you for hurting me and more how hard do i have to hit you to jostle this absolute idiocy out of your body.
third time's the charm, right? only it's her right hand springing up to shove him hard, point blank in the chest. ideally pushing him a step backwards, which she'll advance into. and the silence of cabin 109 breaks when she screams — wails, anguished; shouts, furious — )
[The slaps sound almost thunderous in his ears. Natsuno's head turns from the force of the impact once, then twice, then staggers back when shoved. A red bruise blooms on his cheek only to fade away moments later, and he raises a hand to his face in mild bemusement. No one's ever slapped him before, certainly not out of a mix of fury and grief; he's never been in the receiving end of such fury and grief.
He hates it.
He deserves it. Every scream is worse than another slap. Quietly, he asks:]
( that's an awful follow-up question, and she almost wants to hit him again but settles for balling both hands into fists; cutting crescent shaped rivets in her palms from the edges of her nails. )
No, I'm standing here because I want you to lie to me and keep me in the dark — yes, I want the goddamn answer, Natsuno!
[Just making sure she's done with the physical violence and rhetorical questions for now (and for now might as well be the next 30 seconds). Clarke won't like any of it, won't understand or care to understand, but there's no way around it.]
I was sick of Jinx harassing me. She said that if she got her "revenge," she'll leave me alone. So I figured I should end it and get her off my back.
I wasn't expecting it would take me three days to wake up.
["None of you was supposed to know." It's quite possible Natsuno is only making things worse for himself, but - that's the goddamn answer.]
( the goddamn answer is weighed, and found so incredibly lacking that it's physically painful to consider. briefly, clarke's hands twitch like she wants to lash out again, and her gaze flicks to her left like there might be a pillow close enough at hand on jade's makeshift couch bed that she could pick up and smother him with. for now is more like ten seconds, and his assumption is correct — she hates this, and thinks it's the stupidest thing she's ever heard.
but still cares.
just has a hard time navigating this entire conversation in a caring way while, again, still lightly wanting to put his lights out. )
So, your solution was to let her blow you up. And that was a fine and grand idea because you didn't think any of us would notice? Do you know how stupid that sounds?
["Well of course it sounds stupid when you say it OUT LOUD - "
No, Natsuno it too self-aware to say something like that.]
Yes. But it didn't sound stupid to me, at the time. I didn't want to drag anyone else into it.
[...this statement isn't much better, but it's way too late to be tactful now. Explosion is a quick, familiar death. He's done it before, and blacking out for several hours is still better than months of threats and pranks.
If Natsuno regrets it, if he swears to never pull a stunt like this again, it's only because he doesn't want to upset his friends like this again. Die for Tohru or live for Clarke - both come from the same source.]
( it sounds so monumentally stupid that she's still reeling from the fact that was his justification several seconds later. like, lost several hundred brain cells just being in proximity with this level of foolishness. headache inbound, stomach knotted and nauseated. what's wrong with you reiterated all over again because — )
That's so fucking idiotic, Natsuno. You're not alone here, you're supposed to drag us into any issue you think's worth dying over.
If she's bothering you that much, you're supposed to tell someone so we can work it out together. You're supposed to come to me — ( oh, that's a definite voice crack. throat too raw from screaming, or sentiment to jagged to clear the airway easily... doesn't matter, clarke's doing her best to carry on even if her voice is garbled around the lump in her throat. )
— and I'll fix it for you.
( i'll bear it, so you don't have you. )
I thought you were dead for good, and I was going to kill her because of it. You think I wouldn't have done more than that while you were still alive?
[His own voice breaks; even Natsuno Yuuki can't stay calm forever. Clarke was going to kill Jinx as revenge, Mizuki probably too, and Rita and Jade aren't the types to hold back either. In the end it's Natsuno's fault for choosing the absolutely worse timing, for setting in motion the very thing he tried to avoid, but the reasoning is still there.
I'd have done more, Clarke says, and that's the all damn problem.]
I didn't want to put any of you on her radar, because who knows what'll set her off. It's such a petty pointless feud, and to get more people involved - for what? More entertainment for the captain? It was better to settle it just between the two of us.
( petty to start, maybe. but obviously not pointless in the end. she hears the break in natsuno's voice and decidedly doesn't like it — but it feels fitting, maybe like a foothold on this vertical climb towards making sure he knew he was a fucking idiot that they all would go to the ends of the earth for. )
Giving in and letting yourself be blown up isn't how you settle a feud! Besides, half of us are already on her radar and couldn't care less. And — "for what"? ( are you seriously asking her this, natsuno? had she not already made it clear? )
Jade didn't find the scene and your body, Rita didn't cry her eyes out, and Pal didn't stick his hands in your blood just to be a part of Jinx's master plan for revenge. Mizuki didn't get down on his knees and pick up any pieces of you he could find just to keep the lights on, and I didn't identify bomb fragments and look for you for eighteen hours straight to amuse the Captain.
Forget him, forget her.
"For what"? You absolute asshole, we did it for you.
[At first it's obvious he thinks about a retort even as Clarke claws her way through the smallest verbal handholds, but then she starts listing everything they've been through and Natsuno just... deflates.
The cues are subtle, but there. Shoulders slump ever so slightly, the mouth twists for a split second like he tasted something vile, eyes wince before all expression disappears behind the usual screen.
I never asked you to.
Don't talk like I don't know how it feels.
I smelled Jade and Rita's blood and held your corpse and I never, ever wanted to upset you like this.]
( that part's immediate. that part's spoken with so much conviction it doesn't leave any space in the room for him to breathe, let alone try to rebuke. this is a no-nonsense fact, and she'll hit him again if he argues about it. and as far as clarke's concerned, that addresses the main issue here on hand.
but not this most recent incident. )
Was all of this worth it? When it could have been avoided? When you could have asked for help? When I would have happily made Jinx forget all about you? When —
Jesus Christ, Natsuno. If you'd told me this is what you really wanted and wouldn't let me talk you out of it, I would have at least helped. ( could have cleaned up the mess so jade never needed to find it, could have lied so rita never needed to worry. they've followed each other through bad decisions before and however painful and misguided this one might have been, at least — ) You didn't have to do this alone. I am right here, I was right across the hall!
I told you. I didn't want you to get involved - to get hurt.
[Clever, determined, absolutely ruthless but still human. He regenerates; she needs to have her wounds cauterized.]
You think I'd ever want you to help go through with it? You already made one promise that I wish you'll never have to keep, Clarke. I -
[He sighs.]
It's one thing when all of us are in danger. But if it's just me affected - I always handled things alone.
[He tried to disassociate from Kaori and Akira, even though they were eager to stick by him and fight. One of his other selves even shoved them on a bus out of town. And even though you can't compare two scrappy village kids to a genocidal warlord, a cannibal mercenary, a genius mage and necromancers who know a thousand ways to hurt, this attitude is still ingrained in him.]
he's only spared being outright obliterated with another ringing slap because of the reminder of that horrible promise she'd made him just outside the arcade; the one that eats at her heart like a parasite, but one she'd still intended to keep if he wanted it in the end — no matter how completely it would destroy her. that still hurts to think about, feels like a blade stuck through her sternum — and thus that's exactly where clarke plants her hand on natsuno in order to shove him again. )
But it doesn't just affect you. ( odd moment for it, but phil connor's words are ringing very clearly in her ears. and, not for the first time, clarke's own convictions are being pulled into play and summarily found lacking. ) Am I not making that clear?!
Make an argument that the desert was about all of us, but driving off a cliff would only have hurt me, and you still weren't going to let that happen. Do you think this only goes one way?
[It comes out without thinking. Natsuno pauses for a split second, almost surprised he said it out loud, but once the dam cracked there's no stopping the rest of the flood. It's time for brutally infuriating honesty, Clarke's reaction be damned.]
You didn't need to drive off a cliff when Skulduggery already volunteered. [There's room for only ONE martyr complex between the two of them, so move the FUCK over, Clarke.] If you'd gone through with it, we'd all known and hurt. With Jinx - no one was supposed to know.
[It's a shit explanation, he knows as much, but the words just keep coming, because this is still how he feels deep down - ]
I'm sorry you had to see it. It was stupid of me to count on the captain to always be on time. But maybe I wasn't making it clear -
my life matters less.
Edited (probably should put a cw here the kid is messed up) 2022-10-18 16:41 (UTC)
( to sit here and listen to this absolute crock of disparaging horseshit spewing from his mouth is — she'd honestly rather be punched straight in the guts. rather be back on deck with deputy pratt on his way to his worst form, with a steak knife in her stomach. would rather she and ebalon were never interrupted and he'd just driven those moon spears through her spine. clarke's got a laundry list of horrible interactions throughout her life, and the vast majority pale in comparison to standing in front of her best friend and listening to him say he doesn't matter.
for a second, she just stares at him, mouth slightly open and tongue a dead weight against the back of her teeth. for a second, she feels and looks like she's about to deflate. for a second, an untapped reserve of tears threatens to mist her eyes again.
then the second's done, and a garbled scream of frustration manages to leak through the spaces between her teeth. clarke could yank her own hair out, stomp her feet, punch a wall again, or pick up a pillow and bite it but, nah. she lashes out to slap him again, harder than the first two and the tingle of impact lances all the way from her fingertips to her shoulder. though this time when she reaches for natsuno's chest again, it's not to shove — rather to fist his shirt between her fingers and bodily drag his face within four inches of hers. )
No. it. doesn't!
( he probably gets sprinkled with a drop or two of angry spit, the argument is heated and the moment emotional. and it's not like she ever really stopped shouting this entire time, but up close and personal, clarke's voice drops back into the strained cracking of someone trying really hard not to wail. angry wail? sad wail? tired wail? yes. )
It matters to me.
You're not disposable, you're not cannon fodder, and you are not an acceptable loss. You may technically be a Shiki, but you're not just some undead monster that nobody cares about and nobody would miss. You're my friend. My — really fucking stupid friend. You matter to me, and there's literally nothing you could ever do that would change that.
[Clarke's open palm explodes across his face so hard his ears are ringing, or maybe it's because he's stunned. He really shouldn't be, not when she already slapped him twice and has been this entire conversation, but somehow there's always room for Clarke Griffin to escalate.
Natsuno's hand flies to his chest like he's going to grab her wrist and yank away from his shirt, but doesn't. The hand drops and he ends up staring down at her furious expression. His own can be very charitably described as a glower, if he didn't look so miserable while at it.]
Why should anyone else decide if it's acceptable -
[The words dissolve into a frustrated growl mid-sentence, because the hypocrisy is starting to get hard to ignore. That's why, that's exactly why he didn't want to get attached again but did anyway, and this time they have the fucking gall to not disappoint him and actually fight like he is more important than anything - ]
( own it, you owe them that — you have to be alive to continue loathing the hypocrisy. so hate it, live with that, and deal with it. )
If you can't decide you matter, I'll do it for you. You do.
( and then her fingers start to slowly unfurl from their death grip on his shirt. and the proximity of grabbing at his front dissolves into another shove, but it's half hearted at best. then silence. then — )
...I love you, Natsuno. But I'm so fucking angry with you, right now I don't want to look at your face.
( find her tomorrow. or let her find you. right now, she's finally taking a step back towards the door. )
[Somehow that half-hearted shove hurts just as much as the slaps, the yells, the angry spittle. Maybe because she looks so... deflated.
He wants to say I can't blame you or even I love you too, but he doesn't. He's so tired. Maybe it's better to get some space for now.
Natsuno will think about what she said, though. He was never good at following anyone else's decisions, but... maybe he can listen to her on this one.]
( sometimes, she makes good decisions that should be listened to.
and sometimes, silence is the best option anyone can take. it's better he says nothing, and better that she turns to leave before either hitting him again or dissolving into a puddle of tears and snot. it's better he doesn't return the i love you in this moment, because there's only so much of that she could take to heart after this stunt and the anxious fear of being left behind that had set in when he didn't immediately resurrect.
so, yes. space. and after a couple steps backwards, and the resounding, weighted silence between them continuing, clarke turns on her heel and storms out of 109. can these doors slam? they're on hinges, right? she's slamming the shit out of this door in her wake. )
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come_sailaway2022-10-03 09:51 pm
no subject
in the end, he knows her well.
it'd been with a clipped decisiveness that she'd withdrawn the hands digging into his back, snaked them up to flatten on his shoulders and firmly push the two of them half an arms length apart. that's the very edge of her frayed restraint though, and with the dip of his head a green light of acquiescence, she drops both hands away from him. just one, the left, swings back up to absolutely crack natsuno across the cheek with an open palm.
that does a little to ratchet back the belt that's been constricting her lungs since she first walked into that closet and got the terrible confirmation. but it's still not enough. so she makes a strangled sort of ugh noise in the back of her throat, halfway between a gag and a sob. then slaps him again, harder — to the point where the idle tingle dancing across her palm turns to an actual ache. vampire or not, she knows he still feels pain, but that isn't entirely what this is for. less i want to hurt you for hurting me and more how hard do i have to hit you to jostle this absolute idiocy out of your body.
third time's the charm, right? only it's her right hand springing up to shove him hard, point blank in the chest. ideally pushing him a step backwards, which she'll advance into. and the silence of cabin 109 breaks when she screams — wails, anguished; shouts, furious — )
What is wrong with you? What were you thinking?!
no subject
He hates it.
He deserves it. Every scream is worse than another slap. Quietly, he asks:]
Do you want the answer?
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No, I'm standing here because I want you to lie to me and keep me in the dark — yes, I want the goddamn answer, Natsuno!
no subject
I was sick of Jinx harassing me. She said that if she got her "revenge," she'll leave me alone. So I figured I should end it and get her off my back.
I wasn't expecting it would take me three days to wake up.
["None of you was supposed to know." It's quite possible Natsuno is only making things worse for himself, but - that's the goddamn answer.]
no subject
but still cares.
just has a hard time navigating this entire conversation in a caring way while, again, still lightly wanting to put his lights out. )
So, your solution was to let her blow you up. And that was a fine and grand idea because you didn't think any of us would notice? Do you know how stupid that sounds?
no subject
No, Natsuno it too self-aware to say something like that.]
Yes. But it didn't sound stupid to me, at the time. I didn't want to drag anyone else into it.
[...this statement isn't much better, but it's way too late to be tactful now. Explosion is a quick, familiar death. He's done it before, and blacking out for several hours is still better than months of threats and pranks.
If Natsuno regrets it, if he swears to never pull a stunt like this again, it's only because he doesn't want to upset his friends like this again. Die for Tohru or live for Clarke - both come from the same source.]
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That's so fucking idiotic, Natsuno. You're not alone here, you're supposed to drag us into any issue you think's worth dying over.
If she's bothering you that much, you're supposed to tell someone so we can work it out together. You're supposed to come to me — ( oh, that's a definite voice crack. throat too raw from screaming, or sentiment to jagged to clear the airway easily... doesn't matter, clarke's doing her best to carry on even if her voice is garbled around the lump in her throat. )
— and I'll fix it for you.
( i'll bear it, so you don't have you. )
I thought you were dead for good, and I was going to kill her because of it. You think I wouldn't have done more than that while you were still alive?
no subject
[His own voice breaks; even Natsuno Yuuki can't stay calm forever. Clarke was going to kill Jinx as revenge, Mizuki probably too, and Rita and Jade aren't the types to hold back either. In the end it's Natsuno's fault for choosing the absolutely worse timing, for setting in motion the very thing he tried to avoid, but the reasoning is still there.
I'd have done more, Clarke says, and that's the all damn problem.]
I didn't want to put any of you on her radar, because who knows what'll set her off. It's such a petty pointless feud, and to get more people involved - for what? More entertainment for the captain? It was better to settle it just between the two of us.
no subject
Giving in and letting yourself be blown up isn't how you settle a feud! Besides, half of us are already on her radar and couldn't care less. And — "for what"? ( are you seriously asking her this, natsuno? had she not already made it clear? )
Jade didn't find the scene and your body, Rita didn't cry her eyes out, and Pal didn't stick his hands in your blood just to be a part of Jinx's master plan for revenge. Mizuki didn't get down on his knees and pick up any pieces of you he could find just to keep the lights on, and I didn't identify bomb fragments and look for you for eighteen hours straight to amuse the Captain.
Forget him, forget her.
"For what"? You absolute asshole, we did it for you.
no subject
The cues are subtle, but there. Shoulders slump ever so slightly, the mouth twists for a split second like he tasted something vile, eyes wince before all expression disappears behind the usual screen.
I never asked you to.
Don't talk like I don't know how it feels.
I smelled Jade and Rita's blood and held your corpse and I never, ever wanted to upset you like this.]
...Was it worth it?
[I'm so sorry.]
no subject
( that part's immediate. that part's spoken with so much conviction it doesn't leave any space in the room for him to breathe, let alone try to rebuke. this is a no-nonsense fact, and she'll hit him again if he argues about it. and as far as clarke's concerned, that addresses the main issue here on hand.
but not this most recent incident. )
Was all of this worth it? When it could have been avoided? When you could have asked for help? When I would have happily made Jinx forget all about you? When —
Jesus Christ, Natsuno. If you'd told me this is what you really wanted and wouldn't let me talk you out of it, I would have at least helped. ( could have cleaned up the mess so jade never needed to find it, could have lied so rita never needed to worry. they've followed each other through bad decisions before and however painful and misguided this one might have been, at least — ) You didn't have to do this alone. I am right here, I was right across the hall!
no subject
[Clever, determined, absolutely ruthless but still human. He regenerates; she needs to have her wounds cauterized.]
You think I'd ever want you to help go through with it? You already made one promise that I wish you'll never have to keep, Clarke. I -
[He sighs.]
It's one thing when all of us are in danger. But if it's just me affected - I always handled things alone.
[He tried to disassociate from Kaori and Akira, even though they were eager to stick by him and fight. One of his other selves even shoved them on a bus out of town. And even though you can't compare two scrappy village kids to a genocidal warlord, a cannibal mercenary, a genius mage and necromancers who know a thousand ways to hurt, this attitude is still ingrained in him.]
no subject
that's the wrong answer.
he's only spared being outright obliterated with another ringing slap because of the reminder of that horrible promise she'd made him just outside the arcade; the one that eats at her heart like a parasite, but one she'd still intended to keep if he wanted it in the end — no matter how completely it would destroy her. that still hurts to think about, feels like a blade stuck through her sternum — and thus that's exactly where clarke plants her hand on natsuno in order to shove him again. )
But it doesn't just affect you. ( odd moment for it, but phil connor's words are ringing very clearly in her ears. and, not for the first time, clarke's own convictions are being pulled into play and summarily found lacking. ) Am I not making that clear?!
Make an argument that the desert was about all of us, but driving off a cliff would only have hurt me, and you still weren't going to let that happen. Do you think this only goes one way?
cw: suicidal ideation
[It comes out without thinking. Natsuno pauses for a split second, almost surprised he said it out loud, but once the dam cracked there's no stopping the rest of the flood. It's time for brutally infuriating honesty, Clarke's reaction be damned.]
You didn't need to drive off a cliff when Skulduggery already volunteered. [There's room for only ONE martyr complex between the two of them, so move the FUCK over, Clarke.] If you'd gone through with it, we'd all known and hurt. With Jinx - no one was supposed to know.
[It's a shit explanation, he knows as much, but the words just keep coming, because this is still how he feels deep down - ]
I'm sorry you had to see it. It was stupid of me to count on the captain to always be on time. But maybe I wasn't making it clear -
my life matters less.
no subject
for a second, she just stares at him, mouth slightly open and tongue a dead weight against the back of her teeth. for a second, she feels and looks like she's about to deflate. for a second, an untapped reserve of tears threatens to mist her eyes again.
then the second's done, and a garbled scream of frustration manages to leak through the spaces between her teeth. clarke could yank her own hair out, stomp her feet, punch a wall again, or pick up a pillow and bite it but, nah. she lashes out to slap him again, harder than the first two and the tingle of impact lances all the way from her fingertips to her shoulder. though this time when she reaches for natsuno's chest again, it's not to shove — rather to fist his shirt between her fingers and bodily drag his face within four inches of hers. )
No. it. doesn't!
( he probably gets sprinkled with a drop or two of angry spit, the argument is heated and the moment emotional. and it's not like she ever really stopped shouting this entire time, but up close and personal, clarke's voice drops back into the strained cracking of someone trying really hard not to wail. angry wail? sad wail? tired wail? yes. )
It matters to me.
You're not disposable, you're not cannon fodder, and you are not an acceptable loss. You may technically be a Shiki, but you're not just some undead monster that nobody cares about and nobody would miss. You're my friend. My — really fucking stupid friend. You matter to me, and there's literally nothing you could ever do that would change that.
no subject
Natsuno's hand flies to his chest like he's going to grab her wrist and yank away from his shirt, but doesn't. The hand drops and he ends up staring down at her furious expression. His own can be very charitably described as a glower, if he didn't look so miserable while at it.]
Why should anyone else decide if it's acceptable -
[The words dissolve into a frustrated growl mid-sentence, because the hypocrisy is starting to get hard to ignore. That's why, that's exactly why he didn't want to get attached again but did anyway, and this time they have the fucking gall to not disappoint him and actually fight like he is more important than anything - ]
I want to agree with you. And I hate it.
no subject
( own it, you owe them that — you have to be alive to continue loathing the hypocrisy. so hate it, live with that, and deal with it. )
If you can't decide you matter, I'll do it for you. You do.
( and then her fingers start to slowly unfurl from their death grip on his shirt. and the proximity of grabbing at his front dissolves into another shove, but it's half hearted at best. then silence. then — )
...I love you, Natsuno. But I'm so fucking angry with you, right now I don't want to look at your face.
( find her tomorrow. or let her find you. right now, she's finally taking a step back towards the door. )
no subject
He wants to say I can't blame you or even I love you too, but he doesn't. He's so tired. Maybe it's better to get some space for now.
Natsuno will think about what she said, though. He was never good at following anyone else's decisions, but... maybe he can listen to her on this one.]
no subject
and sometimes, silence is the best option anyone can take. it's better he says nothing, and better that she turns to leave before either hitting him again or dissolving into a puddle of tears and snot. it's better he doesn't return the i love you in this moment, because there's only so much of that she could take to heart after this stunt and the anxious fear of being left behind that had set in when he didn't immediately resurrect.
so, yes. space. and after a couple steps backwards, and the resounding, weighted silence between them continuing, clarke turns on her heel and storms out of 109. can these doors slam? they're on hinges, right? she's slamming the shit out of this door in her wake. )