come_sailaway | I should have wrote a letter

Entry tags:

I should have wrote a letter

Who: Maeve & OTA
Where: Promenade, Playback, and John's
What: November catchall, fallout from October stuff
When: November 6th onwards

1. Promendade

Once she leaves the room finally, she stops at Sundries to pick up a package. When she opens it, she stares for a long moment at the trifold tablet with the hook up. She sits in the middle of the promenade and pulls out a small knife to cut her right forearm, sighing as her fingers found the port and then connected herself to the tablet before pulling up the diagnostic screen and running a scan.

Everything seems functional so far. No signs of any injury or malfunctions.

“Well, I guess that’s…good,” she says to the air before pulling another screen up with the attribute matrix. She doesn’t immediately move to change things, but her fingers hesitate over the screen as she considers it. She could feel less of this, could just avoid it. But she has shit to do and...really, she shouldn't.

2. Playback

It’s the noise of the place that draws her in. She can hear the machines both in and out of her head and it’s the sound of it that’s steadying her in that moment. She doesn’t have any idea still how to make the games work or play anything. Which is why she just…stands there, eyes closed as she listens to everything. The sound of other people helps as well and she feels a little less overwhelmed after a moment. She wonders if it’s cheating to use her abilities to control the machines as she makes the claw move on its own. Not that she cares for prizes, but she does want to at least try for something. Only as the minutes pass, she shakes her head.

“Do you know how to play any of these games,” she asks whoever is closest to her. “I want to learn something new.”

3. John’s

She hasn’t seen Phil in a while. She’s been avoiding John’s because he’d said that he needed time. But when she peeks in, she doesn’t see him. Just hears the sound of Billy Joel filtering through the air. So she walks in and finds a booth to sit in where she can just listen to the music for a while.

She doesn’t actually know the song but the mood is at least less depressing than her mood at the moment. If anyone happens to find her sitting there, she’ll go from sitting with a chin resting on her hand to sitting up straight. “Oh. Hello, darling. I didn’t notice you there.” A beat. “Do you know this song?”

4. Wildcard

Hit me with whatever you like~ If you wanna run anything by me, my plurk is kingdonkey and otherwise, discord is kingdonkey#6187

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ruby tries her best to flash her a smile in return, even gets out a little, "Thanks," before it all catches up to her. For a moment all she can see is Maeve in pieces on the floor, the blood on Crescent Rose, and there's an ever so brief but bright flash from her eyes that temporarily blinds her and makes her curse under her breath.

No, do not do that. Do not freak out right now.

"I'm fine," she says quickly, breathing deep. Against the odds, she doesn't immediately well up with tears. "I'm— I'm fine. I— I missed you."

That’s…really all it takes. Maeve notices it and she can’t help herself. She’s terrified of what she’ll find out, terrified of what she’s possibly done, but everything in her body is urging her to move.

So she does. She steps in closer, carefully watching for signs that this is a bad idea, that hugging Ruby will be unwelcome. “I’m here,” she whispers. “I’m so sorry I was gone.”

Unfortunately, of absolutely no fault of Maeve's, Ruby flinches and instinctively takes a tiny but very real step back. She wants the hug and yet a part of her is screaming that she doesn't deserve it.

"It's not your fault!" comes out in a single breath, before she makes herself say it again, slower. "It's— it's not your fault. You couldn't help it and I should have noticed sooner than I did and then I had to— then I—"

Gods if she doesn't sound like a scared child, right now.

Maeve stops short, the flinch driving something deep into her heart like a knife and she backs up, offering space because of course. Of course the cruelty of Delos and Westworld could not be the worst that she’s suffered. Of course she’s going to have to deal with the actions that she can’t remember. And all signs point to her having hurt Ruby.

She wants to run from this and go back to her room, but she can’t move. She’s just standing there, a wounded expression on her face.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers. “I never would have-“ Her voice falters. “I’m sorry. I should…I’ll go. I didn’t-“ She’s just backing up again. “I’m sorry.”

Oh, no no no she's screwing this up so badly. Pure panic hits both her face and her heart and despite the comparatively tiny distance between them, she's briefly petals before she appears right in front of Maeve to grab a hand.

"Wait, wait, no, you don't have to— you didn't do anything wrong! You didn't hurt me! I swear! I-I killed you!"

And now she is tearing up. Big, almost ghilbi-esque tears in those silver eyes of hers.

Maeve is aware that running is not very brave of her, but she’s so sure that she can’t be here and if that is cowardice, she’ll live with it.

The hand grabbing hers breaks her out of a panic and she stares for a moment, the realization of it all setting in. “Oh.” Eloquent as ever. “Darling.” Her expression is softer here. “I…” Having killed and been killed more times than she feels like counting, she sympathizes. “It’s…” She lets out a small breath. “I’m not upset with you. I wish…I wish it hadn’t been necessary, but it was.” She squeezes her hand. “I’m sorry.”

The tears swell and drop down her cheeks like waterfalls; at the same time, Ruby's shoulders start to shake and her grip on Maeve's hand gets tighter. "I-I tried to talk her down. I-I tried. But she just kept taunting me, about you, about things you know, and I couldn't— I had to, didn't I? I-I had to."

She sounds like she's trying to convince herself, as much as anything. She knows she did, intellectually. Maeve would still be gone if she hadn't. But...

Maeve moves a little closer again, moving to pull Ruby into the hug because she needs it more than anyone in this moment and Maeve's...well, there is quite a lot of emotion on her part. "Yes, darling. Nothing could have been done about it." She's not upset about being killed. She's died so many times already that...it hardly matters. It's the cruelty here that it had to be Ruby that did it.

"I'm sorry you had to do that," she says, arms holding Ruby as tight as she dares. "You did what you had to. No one would ever fault you for that." If she ever meets the woman that was inside of her, she'll rip her to shreds. Slowly. Meticulously. There were ways to cauterize wounds on the ship to keep them from bleeding out entirely.

This time Ruby steps into it without hesitation, wrapping her arms around Maeve and burying her face against her shoulder. Distantly she's aware that means getting Maeve all wet from her crying, but right now she can't bring herself to give that more than a passing thought.

"I-I've never killed anyone else. I-I've been prepared to, you know, if I had to, but I've never..."

Brothers, she needs to get this under control. Maeve's the one who just spent most of a month possessed. But there's relief and trauma both warring within her right now, it's a lot to try and rein in.

Maeve is just gonna hold her. Whatever feelings she's having can get shoved to the side. She'll lie in an emotional puddle later and maybe text Sharky about it because this place is the worst sometimes.

"Shhhh." She's just carefully running a hand over her back with one hand while continuing to hug her close with the other arm. "No one's ever prepared fully for what it feels like." She didn't care about the people she killed because the option was dying or not dying and she...wasn't going to die. At least not until she succeeded in what she was meant to do. Until then...no. "I've got you, okay?"

"I-I should—" I should be, she almost says; between the life she was living at home and the way things are on the ship, shouldn't she have been prepared for the inevitable? She was always going to have to kill one day, wasn't she?

She doesn't finish it because what echoes in her head are all the voices of people reminding her she shouldn't be dealing with any of this.

So instead she just mumbles a weak little, "O-okay. Okay," and buries her face more against Maeve.

None of them should have to be prepared for killing. Especially situations like this. But there's not been much choice in anything that happens here. Outside of the excursions. But this? This is different.

"I'm sorry, Ruby." She wishes there were anything she could do to ease all of it, but there's nothing that truly eases the feelings of loss or pain. At least not in her experience. So all she knows to offer is her presence.

Right now her presence is just about all Ruby would ever ask for. Last time ~~her mom~~ someone like Maeve went away they never came back and a part of her was so scared of that happening again.

But it didn't. Maeve is back. Not okay, but back.

So Ruby just cries until the tears start to dry up and she starts to calm down, little by little. Finally, after a while, she lifts her head, sniffling but calmer and trying to give Maeve a smile. "I-I'm sorry. I'm all— damp, now."

Crying: not a dignified emotional response!

Maeve's memories of her own daughter feel both so recent and so far, but the last time she saw her, she was going into the Valley Beyond with her other mother. The one she knew. She didn't remember her. So this? She understands how to deal with.

She just stands there, rubbing Ruby's back as she cries. She doesn't comment on the tears or her damp outfit because it hardly matters. If Ruby needed to get her emotions out and cry, she's not going to make her feel weird about it. "It's fine, darling. A little water never hurt anyone."

"I-I'm not sure that's strictly true." She scrubs at her face with the heel of her hand, and then with the front of her cloak, the latter of which definitely does a better job.

She's in her plain red cloak, now. Her own, not the one that looks like Summer Rose's. Crescent Rose is cleaned, now, but it isn't strapped back across her lower back.

In some ways, these things are progress. In others, they've been spurred just as much by her being hard on herself for hurting Maeve's body as they are anything else.

"A-Anyway. You're back now. That's... that's the important thing."

"Well, it's true here." She does note the lack of Crescent Rose and the cloak, but she's certain she can guess the reasons behind them. Especially given the information she's been given.

"I am back," she agrees. "And I'll be here for whatever you need. Or not. I'm sure some things are easier to talk to other people about, but..." She studies her for a moment. "If you did want to, I don't mind listening."

Ruby just about resists the urge to shrink awkwardly upon being studied, because there is at least one giant Goliath in the room that she really should say something about, but... how?

"...thanks. I know you'll listen." Deep breath. "I. Uhm. I think— I think I'm a little hung up on some of the stuff she said when she was taunting me, still?"

There. That's a... start.

Maeve isn’t sure what that could be. If she even wants to know. There’s some anxiety lurking somewhere in the back of her mind. Whoever the woman was, she didn’t like her.

“That’s…understandable. I hope…” What? Hope what? It wasn’t too bad? Obviously it was. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Another big, deep breath and she smiles, softly. Trying to be a little reassuring. She's not sure if it'll work. "...maybe. Probably. We should— we should maybe find somewhere to actually sit down, though. That'll be more comfortable than me getting into it right here in the middle of the arcade."

She glances out at the promenade. “Perhaps the benches? Or…if you think it would be better, we could go to the…uh…ice cream place?”

Ruby tilts her head a little, like it's some big decision, but honestly the answer comes pretty quickly. "Ice cream does sound nice... everything is kinda better with ice cream."

And she can always use eating some or brain-freeze as an excuse to gather her thoughts if she needs to...

Ice cream does seem to be the way to go. At least...that's what Maeve's noticed. In general. It also gives her something to do with her hands. "Yeah. That's what I've been told, too."

So she starts over toward Scoops, the anxiety settling in the pit of her stomach. She's not really sure what she's going to hear, but...everything about the person that was in her chafes and she wants nothing more than to destroy her. And yet, she can't.

Ruby sticks close to Maeve's side as they walk down the promenade from Playback to Scoops, quiet and buzzing with nervous energy but in some ways more relaxed than she could be. Maeve isn't mad at her, not that she really thought she would be, but...

She ends up with a bowl of chocolate and cookies & cream, once they settle into one of the shop's booths.

"She knew... everything about me that you knew. Which to pretend to be you she had to, I guess, but it only really settled in for me when," she sighs, "when she said something about people back home taking my childhood away."

Once the get to Scoops, Maeve settles on the peanut butter and chocolate flavors. She wants to try the lavender ice cream, but today seems like a more chocolate kind of day.

She listens as Ruby talks, studying her face for a moment. "Ah. She said that, did she?" She wouldn't have put it that way necessarily. "I can see how that would be upsetting."

"It kind of was, but I've been thinking a lot about that this last month or so already, you know? It's not exactly how I'd describe it even now, but I know... I know I've missed years I should've got to be a kid. It was... it was everything she said after that really got under my skin."

She doesn't immediately elaborate, brow knitting as she tries to think of how you even broach this. She shovels a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth and flinches at the bite of brain-freeze.

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