★ (CATCH ALL) baby, go ahead, i'll be your hatred and your pain. this is killing us all。

[opheliac]

Who: jinx & YOU
When: all throughout july
Where: all throughout the boat
What: giving this catch all way a try. things that will happen with her during this month. some will be open & some will be private. all jinx's top-levels, her phone texting, and her one-on-one will permanently go here for the month.
Warnings: jinx suffers from mental illness. such as the following - schizophrenia, hallucinations, PTSD, & separation anxiety. these may or may not happen in this log.

❝i'm a beautiful disaster;a reckoning❞

This is where the card content goes!

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WEEK 1 (07/03 - 07/09)
█ NATSUNO ➜ 07.04 ➜ TEXT/PRIVATE.
█ VENTI ➜ 07.06 ➜ TEXT/ACTION.
█ EKKO ➜ 07.06 ➜ TEXT/ACTION.
█ JINX ➜ 07.09 ➜ TOP-LEVEL

WEEK 2 (07/10 - 07/16)
█ EKKO ➜ 07.11 ➜ ACTION.
█ MAXMILEN + VENTI ➜ 07.13 ➜ TEXT/ACTION (CW: DRUG/DRUG USE)

WEEK 3 (07/17 - 07/23)
█ JINX ➜ 07.20 ➜ TOP-LEVEL

WEEK 4 (07/24 - 07/30)
█ EKKO ➜ 07.29➜ ACTION

(07/31)
█ JINX ➜ 07.31 ➜ TOP-LEVEL

coding credit to thisismanx

Comments

[wimdy]

Hm...

I can't say if I personally endorse it, but you don't necessarily have to listen to me all the time or even most of the time you know? Maybe, I think...

Maybe you could think about what makes you really happy, or what you value. Sometimes you act in the heat of the moment and do things you regret. If you think you could change even a little, be someone you could be proud or happy with... it'd surely be difficult, but isn't it worth a try? [ ... a sigh, and then in a smaller breath as he squeezes her hand, ] Because, that's something I'm working on as well.

[opheliac]

Oh?

(there's a small head tilt in curiosity. something he's working on? hmm. it's strange how despite the two of them had been in the same place for months now how little they've been involved with each other lives since the whole... dance thing. )

And how's that goin' so far?

[wimdy]

Ehe...

Well, you know how old I am. I think in some ways I've realized, I'm very... [ despite wanting to be free, clinging to it, the ideal and concept of it, basing his entire life around it. exactly that might have him stay stagnant, desperately attached to the memory of his friend. it's tough to break out of, for thousands of years. ] It's hard. I think I've been trapped in the past for so long, I told you that I don't think there's anything of me at all if I'm not trying to be... someone else.

So, I just wonder who I'm supposed to be as well.

[opheliac]

(yeah, she remembers that conversation they had together and how he crumbled in her hold. in a way, she regrets say those things to him back then despite she was only speaking truths. that maybe she was too harsh even when it was something he needed to hear from someone who was looking on the outside in.

finally, she lets go of his hands but only to reach over to gingerly place her palms on the each side of his cheeks.)

You're someone who tries so hard to make everything right and make everyone happy. — Even in this...whack situation we're in, you still try to find the bright side of things. Not a lotta of us can do that.

[wimdy]

[ it was the moment of vulnerability he'd had in front of her, and... well, he'd like to appear stable and strong in front of people, always. humans are humans, mortals are mortals, he is not and he was once a god and he had always wanted to help and protect people. still, though, ] Well... even I wonder sometimes if 'trying' is enough, I certainly have a bad track record in succeeding after all. Even or especially with you.

[ but the fact that she'd touch him like this again... he lets out a sigh, eyes downturned, half-closed in trust. simply remembering and missing when they'd had such casual skinship as this, he'd missed it so; his own hand rises to cover one of hers. ]

But I could keep trying, I'd like to be better. Like you, maybe.

[opheliac]

(humming quietly, she nuzzles into his hand as her shoulders slump and muscles loosen. but even with this calming nostalgic feeling, jinx can't help but to chuckle a little at his words. the words she says next is something she didn't want to say -- a truth she's been hiding from everyone around her until now.)

Heh, like me? You don't wanna be like me. (she stroke his cheeks with her thumbs gingerly.) — I've been keepin' secrets and doing a lotta under handing things no one is aware of yet. Definitely not a person you should look up to.

[wimdy]

Ehe... you know, then we might just be more similar than not. Sometimes I feel like I've just been keeping more and more secrets from others until it just hurts the both of us, if only it could be so much easier to be honest...

But if we at least know this about ourselves, maybe that's a start. [ recognizing a problem could be a first step in tackling it, right? and it's odd but he's always felt a little more confident in himself around her, if he could be there to help her. ]

What you've been doing... is it dangerous, would it hurt you and others?

cw: druggie things

[opheliac]

(she furrows her brows; completely puzzled by his words. she said he shouldn't be like her but where did the last bit come from? she hadn't said anything about doing anything, did she? but then it dawns on her early this morning she did bathe and did her typical hygiene routine out of sheer habit. jinx's face fall then with her gaze moving on somewhere onto the table. despite her saying nothing, it's obvious that the answers to these questions point to "yes". she doesn't think shimmer is dangerous and there's no convincing her that it is. but. having someone who isn't a doctor to inject her with it? that...can go extremely bad.

but who else can she turn to for it? everyone expects her to just go through this withdrawal and she'll just be all squared away. but they don't have the slightest idea just how hard her days have been. it feels as if she is losing life in her and hadn't it crossed anyone's mind that maybe....just maybe she needs it in order to live now? she is chemically altered -- she's not just some ordinary human. that maybe without it in her from time to time as a boost, she'll just be...sickly?)

(people are so focus on the negative aspects of shimmer and not the positives. typical. when she looks over to venti again, she can only gives him a smile; small and a little apologetic. jinx leans forward to him -- raising a little out of her seat to plant a very gentle kiss on the forehead. 'don't worry about me. it's okay. i'll be fine.' if only he can read her thoughts. for a second, she pulls back and settles back in her seat with her hands still soothing his cheeks.)

[wimdy]

[ keeping secrets, doing underhanded things, wouldn't it be only natural for him to be concerned? at times it feels like from the very beginning of their friendship he's been fluttering over her in caring for her well-being, but it's not like he could ever really stop. from the very beginning, seeing her snap at being called her old name. worrying over her safety when he'd killed jenny and been attacked in turn. worrying ever more now that she'd told him about shimmer, the drug...

if care could be like a river, it's not that he could ever dam it or want to. no matter how they might hurt each other or how she feels about him, his feelings might remain the same, this fondness that he recognizes and warms to his chest when she kisses his forehead; his face reddens just so, his smile vulnerably pleased, wanting with a yearning to return it but remembering still what she'd told him about not touching her unless she'd allow. he'd always been so easy to be affectionate, he'd always been so free to be fond of people. ]

... So, are we friends again?

[ well, unless something else might happen and strain that bond again. it might as well happen sooner or later, but he doesn't suppose he'd ever mind trying to mend it or wait for her to tolerate him again. ]

[opheliac]

('are we friends again?' it's strange, really. although the doll of him wasn't real and it was her mind being... out of sync of things, it helped her work out through a lot of things. despite it was fake and it didn't talk back, she was able to air out her feelings openly every day to "him" again. from talking about her day to deeper things -- something similar they would do when they spoke via text every day for months until her party.

it got her comfortable again with trusting and although she still feels mizuki isn't the one for him, she... allowed herself to accept it. because all jinx ever wanted was for her light to have happiness. to shine, to be in all smiles, laugh, and fly as high in the open skies until his wings grow tired. and besides even if she push, he will probably push back and run to him faster. so it's best to just let things be and only hope he is true by his words that she is still just as important. that he won't just dump her to the side now that he has a special someone.)

(and plus, jinx kinda also has a someone now, too. she hadn't noticed until now that she seems to be falling for ekko a little more each day. in which...she is still on the fence on what to do with this new discovery. to fall in or make a break for it. although, she can't help but to be just a little curious what it would be like to fall in. and also during this little break period of hers(with the help of the doll), jinx was able to distinguish her feelings between the two of them, too.)

(she is falling for ekko as one would fall for a lover and she loves venti but not at all as a lover. in the beginning, it did spark off a little in that direction but then it geared more and more into a love of mixture in platonic and guidance. he is that light then she gazes up to when things fall scary for her or when she feels all hope is lost. the yearn to help it shine bright whenever it quivers or fall dim. she wants to help him like he helped her so many times and heed his words and wisdom he may shower her with. jinx wants to... believe in him again. just like how they were in the beginning.

so she feels she is ready to walk on that path again; to look up at her ball of light dancing along and to take her where she needs to be.)

Yeah, we're friends again.

(and maybe... juuuust maybe -- if this turns out okay, maybe all hope is not lost for her and vi to repair again.)