★ (CATCH ALL) baby, go ahead, i'll be your hatred and your pain. this is killing us all。

[opheliac]

Who: jinx & YOU
When: all throughout july
Where: all throughout the boat
What: giving this catch all way a try. things that will happen with her during this month. some will be open & some will be private. all jinx's top-levels, her phone texting, and her one-on-one will permanently go here for the month.
Warnings: jinx suffers from mental illness. such as the following - schizophrenia, hallucinations, PTSD, & separation anxiety. these may or may not happen in this log.

❝i'm a beautiful disaster;a reckoning❞

This is where the card content goes!

fast travel nav.

WEEK 1 (07/03 - 07/09)
█ NATSUNO ➜ 07.04 ➜ TEXT/PRIVATE.
█ VENTI ➜ 07.06 ➜ TEXT/ACTION.
█ EKKO ➜ 07.06 ➜ TEXT/ACTION.
█ JINX ➜ 07.09 ➜ TOP-LEVEL

WEEK 2 (07/10 - 07/16)
█ EKKO ➜ 07.11 ➜ ACTION.
█ MAXMILEN + VENTI ➜ 07.13 ➜ TEXT/ACTION (CW: DRUG/DRUG USE)

WEEK 3 (07/17 - 07/23)
█ JINX ➜ 07.20 ➜ TOP-LEVEL

WEEK 4 (07/24 - 07/30)
█ EKKO ➜ 07.29➜ ACTION

(07/31)
█ JINX ➜ 07.31 ➜ TOP-LEVEL

coding credit to thisismanx

Comments

[opheliac]

... Do I have a purpose?

(she isn't sure why she would even ask venti a question like that. it's not as if he is from her realm or anything. but if it's true what caitlyn said about silco, what is the point of her now?

the two of them were suppose to go through this together and the only reason she even thought about returning back home was for him. if he's gone, why go back? there's nothing waiting for her there unlike so many crewmates that have friends, families, love ones, to go back to.)

[wimdy]

[ the question...

it's one that many people have asked him in whispered prayers, in confessions, it may as well be the eternal question of life. even he too could ask himself that sometimes while slumped in a bar surrounded by bottles and looking back over thousands of years, where did he go wrong? just by incarnating, that was the very beginning.

his other hand gently goes to the back of her head, stroking her hair. ]

You do.

To me, every single life has purpose. Every flower, every insect, every living creature, every person, and you especially. You know, you almost more than anyone on this ship made my stay here so... [ a hum, a small sound almost like a laugh. ] Even at times, fun. You know, I treasure every moment we have together.

[ maybe even the bad, maybe even after she shot him, she would remain precious to him always. ]

[opheliac]

(it's so comforting to feel his hand along her hair; how tender and caring he is towards her. sure, she has many that do the same -- ekko, lumine, and even fio. ekko gives her love she wasn't aware she had been looking for, lumine grants her the friendship she yearns for, fio returns the family bond that she had been seeking when vi left her (and now even more than ever if silco is truly gone). and venti? he provides her the faith, hope, and guidance out of her darkness whenever she falls in the deepest well. he helps her see that maybe her life isn't just one big curse and was brought into this world to suffer.

ever since the icebreaker party, she thought of him as her light -- a light she wanted to protect, cherish, and then unintentionally followed. and jinx had done... a horrible job of vowing that to herself. somehow down the line, jealously took over her and complicated feelings mixed everything up. she had been trying to get everything back on track between them since then and it had been so difficult.)

You do...? Even when I've hurt you o-or screwed things up?

[wimdy]

[ there's a twinge to his shoulder; where she'd shot him, but even then he has... really, the attack was as negligible as can be. she'd been armed. he could be grateful that if she wanted to fire, she'd fired upon him rather than ekko or caitlyn, who are human. he could take it. ]

Mhm, of course I do. That would never be in question.

We make mistakes and hurt each other and perhaps, damage these bonds between ourselves all throughout life. I've made more than my fair share of mistakes with you. But I still treasure you throughout it, I know that despite everything you've struggled through, you would be kind if you have the opportunity.

That's the faith I have in you.

[ if she has faith in him as a light of guidance, he too has the same belief in her--that despite all her violence and struggle and fury, she has that redemption in her. he only wanted to encourage it. ]

[opheliac]

(she seems to grow a little calmer as he speaks; attentively listening to his words while peeking up to him from her hold of his hand. but then she quickly darts her gaze elsewhere while biting her lip anxiously.)

I-I dunno, Barbatos. — What if I just disappoint you or everyone again? Turn on all of you? You heard the Enforcer, I'm a monster...

Which I always knew I was just... I dunno, thought maybe if I just pretended I wasn't hard enough I would stop being so...different.

[wimdy]

Hm, well... I wouldn't agree with her that you're a monster. I don't even know if what she said about you was true, we only have her word for it. Maybe you did shoot Mr Silco, maybe you didn't, we really can't say for sure.

But even if you did, I wouldn't describe you as that. Maybe the first step is for you not to think of yourself as a monster. And to think of what you would want to do, that you could feel proud of yourself for.

[opheliac]

(if only she could believe what he believed. she wants to feel what caitlyn said was untrue, after all, enforcers aren't really reliable in her eyes. but what no one knows besides her that the event did line up with her last memory from home to a point. the deal to give her up to piltover, silco trying to kill vi, jinx killing him instead and blowing up the council... did those events really happen? again, she falls back on the thought "what reason for her to lie?". the only other person who holds the truth is her sister. but will she lie too? vi already proved she sided with caitlyn numerous times, so whose to say she'll just follow along her story?

jinx finally pulls her head away from their hands but doesn't let of his just yet. he can tell by the look her face that she has no clue on where to begin on how to view herself differently than she does. flashing him a sheepish smile, she tries to put a little humor in this talk even though it's not appropriate.)

Is making bombs and guns a part of that? Eh heh heh...

[wimdy]

Hm...

I can't say if I personally endorse it, but you don't necessarily have to listen to me all the time or even most of the time you know? Maybe, I think...

Maybe you could think about what makes you really happy, or what you value. Sometimes you act in the heat of the moment and do things you regret. If you think you could change even a little, be someone you could be proud or happy with... it'd surely be difficult, but isn't it worth a try? [ ... a sigh, and then in a smaller breath as he squeezes her hand, ] Because, that's something I'm working on as well.

[opheliac]

Oh?

(there's a small head tilt in curiosity. something he's working on? hmm. it's strange how despite the two of them had been in the same place for months now how little they've been involved with each other lives since the whole... dance thing. )

And how's that goin' so far?

[wimdy]

Ehe...

Well, you know how old I am. I think in some ways I've realized, I'm very... [ despite wanting to be free, clinging to it, the ideal and concept of it, basing his entire life around it. exactly that might have him stay stagnant, desperately attached to the memory of his friend. it's tough to break out of, for thousands of years. ] It's hard. I think I've been trapped in the past for so long, I told you that I don't think there's anything of me at all if I'm not trying to be... someone else.

So, I just wonder who I'm supposed to be as well.

[opheliac]

(yeah, she remembers that conversation they had together and how he crumbled in her hold. in a way, she regrets say those things to him back then despite she was only speaking truths. that maybe she was too harsh even when it was something he needed to hear from someone who was looking on the outside in.

finally, she lets go of his hands but only to reach over to gingerly place her palms on the each side of his cheeks.)

You're someone who tries so hard to make everything right and make everyone happy. — Even in this...whack situation we're in, you still try to find the bright side of things. Not a lotta of us can do that.

[wimdy]

[ it was the moment of vulnerability he'd had in front of her, and... well, he'd like to appear stable and strong in front of people, always. humans are humans, mortals are mortals, he is not and he was once a god and he had always wanted to help and protect people. still, though, ] Well... even I wonder sometimes if 'trying' is enough, I certainly have a bad track record in succeeding after all. Even or especially with you.

[ but the fact that she'd touch him like this again... he lets out a sigh, eyes downturned, half-closed in trust. simply remembering and missing when they'd had such casual skinship as this, he'd missed it so; his own hand rises to cover one of hers. ]

But I could keep trying, I'd like to be better. Like you, maybe.

[opheliac]

(humming quietly, she nuzzles into his hand as her shoulders slump and muscles loosen. but even with this calming nostalgic feeling, jinx can't help but to chuckle a little at his words. the words she says next is something she didn't want to say -- a truth she's been hiding from everyone around her until now.)

Heh, like me? You don't wanna be like me. (she stroke his cheeks with her thumbs gingerly.) — I've been keepin' secrets and doing a lotta under handing things no one is aware of yet. Definitely not a person you should look up to.

[wimdy]

Ehe... you know, then we might just be more similar than not. Sometimes I feel like I've just been keeping more and more secrets from others until it just hurts the both of us, if only it could be so much easier to be honest...

But if we at least know this about ourselves, maybe that's a start. [ recognizing a problem could be a first step in tackling it, right? and it's odd but he's always felt a little more confident in himself around her, if he could be there to help her. ]

What you've been doing... is it dangerous, would it hurt you and others?

cw: druggie things

[opheliac]

(she furrows her brows; completely puzzled by his words. she said he shouldn't be like her but where did the last bit come from? she hadn't said anything about doing anything, did she? but then it dawns on her early this morning she did bathe and did her typical hygiene routine out of sheer habit. jinx's face fall then with her gaze moving on somewhere onto the table. despite her saying nothing, it's obvious that the answers to these questions point to "yes". she doesn't think shimmer is dangerous and there's no convincing her that it is. but. having someone who isn't a doctor to inject her with it? that...can go extremely bad.

but who else can she turn to for it? everyone expects her to just go through this withdrawal and she'll just be all squared away. but they don't have the slightest idea just how hard her days have been. it feels as if she is losing life in her and hadn't it crossed anyone's mind that maybe....just maybe she needs it in order to live now? she is chemically altered -- she's not just some ordinary human. that maybe without it in her from time to time as a boost, she'll just be...sickly?)

(people are so focus on the negative aspects of shimmer and not the positives. typical. when she looks over to venti again, she can only gives him a smile; small and a little apologetic. jinx leans forward to him -- raising a little out of her seat to plant a very gentle kiss on the forehead. 'don't worry about me. it's okay. i'll be fine.' if only he can read her thoughts. for a second, she pulls back and settles back in her seat with her hands still soothing his cheeks.)

[wimdy]

[ keeping secrets, doing underhanded things, wouldn't it be only natural for him to be concerned? at times it feels like from the very beginning of their friendship he's been fluttering over her in caring for her well-being, but it's not like he could ever really stop. from the very beginning, seeing her snap at being called her old name. worrying over her safety when he'd killed jenny and been attacked in turn. worrying ever more now that she'd told him about shimmer, the drug...

if care could be like a river, it's not that he could ever dam it or want to. no matter how they might hurt each other or how she feels about him, his feelings might remain the same, this fondness that he recognizes and warms to his chest when she kisses his forehead; his face reddens just so, his smile vulnerably pleased, wanting with a yearning to return it but remembering still what she'd told him about not touching her unless she'd allow. he'd always been so easy to be affectionate, he'd always been so free to be fond of people. ]

... So, are we friends again?

[ well, unless something else might happen and strain that bond again. it might as well happen sooner or later, but he doesn't suppose he'd ever mind trying to mend it or wait for her to tolerate him again. ]

[opheliac]

('are we friends again?' it's strange, really. although the doll of him wasn't real and it was her mind being... out of sync of things, it helped her work out through a lot of things. despite it was fake and it didn't talk back, she was able to air out her feelings openly every day to "him" again. from talking about her day to deeper things -- something similar they would do when they spoke via text every day for months until her party.

it got her comfortable again with trusting and although she still feels mizuki isn't the one for him, she... allowed herself to accept it. because all jinx ever wanted was for her light to have happiness. to shine, to be in all smiles, laugh, and fly as high in the open skies until his wings grow tired. and besides even if she push, he will probably push back and run to him faster. so it's best to just let things be and only hope he is true by his words that she is still just as important. that he won't just dump her to the side now that he has a special someone.)

(and plus, jinx kinda also has a someone now, too. she hadn't noticed until now that she seems to be falling for ekko a little more each day. in which...she is still on the fence on what to do with this new discovery. to fall in or make a break for it. although, she can't help but to be just a little curious what it would be like to fall in. and also during this little break period of hers(with the help of the doll), jinx was able to distinguish her feelings between the two of them, too.)

(she is falling for ekko as one would fall for a lover and she loves venti but not at all as a lover. in the beginning, it did spark off a little in that direction but then it geared more and more into a love of mixture in platonic and guidance. he is that light then she gazes up to when things fall scary for her or when she feels all hope is lost. the yearn to help it shine bright whenever it quivers or fall dim. she wants to help him like he helped her so many times and heed his words and wisdom he may shower her with. jinx wants to... believe in him again. just like how they were in the beginning.

so she feels she is ready to walk on that path again; to look up at her ball of light dancing along and to take her where she needs to be.)

Yeah, we're friends again.

(and maybe... juuuust maybe -- if this turns out okay, maybe all hope is not lost for her and vi to repair again.)