come_sailaway | ★ (CATCH ALL) baby, go ahead, i'll be your hatred and your pain. this is killing us all。

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★ (CATCH ALL) baby, go ahead, i'll be your hatred and your pain. this is killing us all。

Who: jinx & YOU
When: all throughout july
Where: all throughout the boat
What: giving this catch all way a try. things that will happen with her during this month. some will be open & some will be private. all jinx's top-levels, her phone texting, and her one-on-one will permanently go here for the month.
Warnings: jinx suffers from mental illness. such as the following - schizophrenia, hallucinations, PTSD, & separation anxiety. these may or may not happen in this log.

❝i'm a beautiful disaster;a reckoning❞

This is where the card content goes!

fast travel nav.

WEEK 1 (07/03 - 07/09)
█ NATSUNO ➜ 07.04 ➜ TEXT/PRIVATE.
█ VENTI ➜ 07.06 ➜ TEXT/ACTION.
█ EKKO ➜ 07.06 ➜ TEXT/ACTION.
█ JINX ➜ 07.09 ➜ TOP-LEVEL

WEEK 2 (07/10 - 07/16)
█ EKKO ➜ 07.11 ➜ ACTION.
█ MAXMILEN + VENTI ➜ 07.13 ➜ TEXT/ACTION (CW: DRUG/DRUG USE)

WEEK 3 (07/17 - 07/23)
█ JINX ➜ 07.20 ➜ TOP-LEVEL

WEEK 4 (07/24 - 07/30)
█ EKKO ➜ 07.29➜ ACTION

(07/31)
█ JINX ➜ 07.31 ➜ TOP-LEVEL

coding credit to

thisismanx

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ ... ] Jinx. There's only one of me. But I wonder if you might realize that? Regardless, I hope all versions of me in any appearance would want to help you.

oh.

(at this point, she really should get use to disappointment and a part of her would express it or even cry but she's too exhausted. her mind is just so cluttered with jumbled up thoughts and feelings about so many situations, that it's becoming a dull feeling.)

u did.

(real or not, doll venti did help her get over a few things. but on the other side of this, it means he never really came back to her all of those weeks. so he'll still disappear from her whenever he feels like it; without a care.)

am i important to u?

(she stops herself before her thumb hits the send button -- reading over her forced sentence. ... but she send it regardless. if he is going through what she is right now, maybe he'll be honest, too.)

Edited 2022-07-08 02:21 (UTC)

Of course you are. That goes without saying, always. I told you as much when we played truth or dare way back when, right? [ jenny's visit already seems like a year ago, how strange that is... but it's fine. he understands if she'd be furious or frustrated or hate him. his feelings to her would stay rather more constant, the fondness of the wind.

it didn't exactly occur to him that she might be under the truth compulsion, but he'd be swiftly approaching windjammer by now to see her. ]

(truth or dare? boy that really does seem like such a long time ago that she almost forgotten what he had said then. jinx was on her way to respond back but she hears someone entering in. glancing over her shoulder, she sees him and sheepishly give him a small smile and a wave.)

Oh. Uh, hey.

[ it really has been an ordeal trying to avoid being around her. there are times he thinks it's fine, it's simple enough to do, he's lived millennia of his life not being around jinx so what's the deal? they're both going through things and need their space, or however it goes...

and then there are times he sees her and she smiles at him for maybe the first time in weeks or even maybe months and he feels something in his chest relax like a taut knot undone. he returns the smile, approaches so lightly he could almost float. even after what'd happened in laser tag, it's nice to see her even... a little happier. ]

Jinx, hi~

... It feels like it's been a while, hasn't it? [ because jinx had still thought he was a doll, apparently, back then. but he's real. ]

(it's strange because it had been awhile but also not been awhile. she played with him during laser tag although that ended terribly. before that, they spoken together at the lake during camp and that ended....well, not terribly but sadly. jinx is beginning to think if her curse somehow has a mind of its own and just enjoys making things muddy between the two of them.

still though, she holds the smile to him even if it's sinks into a light sad one.)

Yeah. It's been good to see you, again.

[ maybe things can never quite be as simple as being friends like they were, but could it be wrong to be hopeful that they could recover some kind of relationship? friends to best friends to crush to ex-friends to..... who could know? but he wants to stay hopeful with her always as he takes a seat opposite hers. ]

Ehe, you know that's the same for me to you.

Have you been all right? Since, you know... [ everything that happened with caitlyn. ]

(jinx isn't the type to lie so of course she will tell the truth on how she's feeling regardless of this water curse. but she would definitely would not put her entire heart on the table for anyone to sit and evaluate. thinning and wetting her lips, she tries to form her words correctly.)

I...I haven't. I'm still tryin' to make sense of everything. I know the only way for me to know the real truth is ask Vi. But —

(she sucks in her lips to bite back her words; avoiding his gaze.)

... I'm afraid to hear what she has to say.

(and little does jinx know that number one big mysterious question will be left unanswered; unfulfilled. vi is no longer on the boat and she is entirely unaware of that.)

[ there's the impulse to hug her, to hold her as easily as he used to, they'd used to be so touchy. playfully so, or during tough times of confession and uncertainty that it seems like they could most rely on each other, and then--of course, he'd broken that trust.

still, he'd like to hope it could be regained. ] Mm, I know there are times trying to find the truth can be scary. It could be hard. And we talked about your sister before... I think the fact that you've made a truce with her is already a lot of progress.

Maybe you could think about or write down what you'd want to say or ask her. That might help instead of going to see her unprepared. Or... go with a friend or someone who could support you.

[ like him, if she'd allow. ]

Yeah...y-yeah, I guess I can try and do that. Writing it down and think more.

(as she sits there, jinx is practically squirming a bit -- picking at her own nails anxiously while trying to think of one thought at a time. there's still so much swirling around and she really should try that feather method again.)

Can I... hold your hand?

[ whatever he might have expected from her--

that wasn't it. he looks briefly surprised, then a smile comes to his face almost equal parts embarrassment, relieved, fond, and... he's not sure. he doesn't really care to put a name to the feeling as he offers his hand palm-up. ]

Of course you can. Anything I can do... just let me know.

(there is a little of hesitation; a delay but she reaches out for his hand. she doesn't intertwine their fingers but lets her palm against his -- aligning their fingers. the size of their hands are almost similar but feel of another helps her realize that he is real. he is in front of her and not a hallucination. but even so, why does she still feel like she is being lied to? why can't everything stop being so jumbled up together? why won't her mind stop screaming?

carefully, she curls her hand along his and then her other hand joins in -- holding onto him with both. jinx slowly leans forward to press her forehead against their hands. but she's alive, right? that's the most important thing even if... she truly wish she could just fade away into nothing. with a trembling breath leaving her lips, jinx steadily rubs her forehead to their hands to try and seek for comfort and a peace of mind.)

[ if it were only possible to give her peace, to enact a miracle that could take away her doubts or fury or pain--he would do so, without doubt. but such miracles are beyond the realm even of gods, even gods could not perfectly fix the lives and struggles of people, he knew that for thousands of years. and maybe in some ways, all they could do is quietly support...

he presses his head to hers as well. it didn't matter if she shot him, all he hoped for was that she could recognize him again, if he could try to help her again, he would be here just like this as the wind coils around them. he has questions for her, he has the hope that maybe they could talk or try to reach some understanding but for now he would be happy to simply hold her like this for as long as she needs. ]

... Do I have a purpose?

(she isn't sure why she would even ask venti a question like that. it's not as if he is from her realm or anything. but if it's true what caitlyn said about silco, what is the point of her now?

the two of them were suppose to go through this together and the only reason she even thought about returning back home was for him. if he's gone, why go back? there's nothing waiting for her there unlike so many crewmates that have friends, families, love ones, to go back to.)

[ the question...

it's one that many people have asked him in whispered prayers, in confessions, it may as well be the eternal question of life. even he too could ask himself that sometimes while slumped in a bar surrounded by bottles and looking back over thousands of years, where did he go wrong? just by incarnating, that was the very beginning.

his other hand gently goes to the back of her head, stroking her hair. ]

You do.

To me, every single life has purpose. Every flower, every insect, every living creature, every person, and you especially. You know, you almost more than anyone on this ship made my stay here so... [ a hum, a small sound almost like a laugh. ] Even at times, fun. You know, I treasure every moment we have together.

[ maybe even the bad, maybe even after she shot him, she would remain precious to him always. ]

(it's so comforting to feel his hand along her hair; how tender and caring he is towards her. sure, she has many that do the same -- ekko, lumine, and even fio. ekko gives her love she wasn't aware she had been looking for, lumine grants her the friendship she yearns for, fio returns the family bond that she had been seeking when vi left her (and now even more than ever if silco is truly gone). and venti? he provides her the faith, hope, and guidance out of her darkness whenever she falls in the deepest well. he helps her see that maybe her life isn't just one big curse and was brought into this world to suffer.

ever since the icebreaker party, she thought of him as her light -- a light she wanted to protect, cherish, and then unintentionally followed. and jinx had done... a horrible job of vowing that to herself. somehow down the line, jealously took over her and complicated feelings mixed everything up. she had been trying to get everything back on track between them since then and it had been so difficult.)

You do...? Even when I've hurt you o-or screwed things up?

Edited 2022-07-13 01:21 (UTC)

[ there's a twinge to his shoulder; where she'd shot him, but even then he has... really, the attack was as negligible as can be. she'd been armed. he could be grateful that if she wanted to fire, she'd fired upon him rather than ekko or caitlyn, who are human. he could take it. ]

Mhm, of course I do. That would never be in question.

We make mistakes and hurt each other and perhaps, damage these bonds between ourselves all throughout life. I've made more than my fair share of mistakes with you. But I still treasure you throughout it, I know that despite everything you've struggled through, you would be kind if you have the opportunity.

That's the faith I have in you.

[ if she has faith in him as a light of guidance, he too has the same belief in her--that despite all her violence and struggle and fury, she has that redemption in her. he only wanted to encourage it. ]

(she seems to grow a little calmer as he speaks; attentively listening to his words while peeking up to him from her hold of his hand. but then she quickly darts her gaze elsewhere while biting her lip anxiously.)

I-I dunno, Barbatos. — What if I just disappoint you or everyone again? Turn on all of you? You heard the Enforcer, I'm a monster...

Which I always knew I was just... I dunno, thought maybe if I just pretended I wasn't hard enough I would stop being so...different.

Edited 2022-07-13 01:59 (UTC)

Hm, well... I wouldn't agree with her that you're a monster. I don't even know if what she said about you was true, we only have her word for it. Maybe you did shoot Mr Silco, maybe you didn't, we really can't say for sure.

But even if you did, I wouldn't describe you as that. Maybe the first step is for you not to think of yourself as a monster. And to think of what you would want to do, that you could feel proud of yourself for.

(if only she could believe what he believed. she wants to feel what caitlyn said was untrue, after all, enforcers aren't really reliable in her eyes. but what no one knows besides her that the event did line up with her last memory from home to a point. the deal to give her up to piltover, silco trying to kill vi, jinx killing him instead and blowing up the council... did those events really happen? again, she falls back on the thought "what reason for her to lie?". the only other person who holds the truth is her sister. but will she lie too? vi already proved she sided with caitlyn numerous times, so whose to say she'll just follow along her story?

jinx finally pulls her head away from their hands but doesn't let of his just yet. he can tell by the look her face that she has no clue on where to begin on how to view herself differently than she does. flashing him a sheepish smile, she tries to put a little humor in this talk even though it's not appropriate.)

Is making bombs and guns a part of that? Eh heh heh...

Hm...

I can't say if I personally endorse it, but you don't necessarily have to listen to me all the time or even most of the time you know? Maybe, I think...

Maybe you could think about what makes you really happy, or what you value. Sometimes you act in the heat of the moment and do things you regret. If you think you could change even a little, be someone you could be proud or happy with... it'd surely be difficult, but isn't it worth a try? [ ... a sigh, and then in a smaller breath as he squeezes her hand, ] Because, that's something I'm working on as well.

Oh?

(there's a small head tilt in curiosity. something he's working on? hmm. it's strange how despite the two of them had been in the same place for months now how little they've been involved with each other lives since the whole... dance thing. )

And how's that goin' so far?

Edited 2022-07-13 05:36 (UTC)

Ehe...

Well, you know how old I am. I think in some ways I've realized, I'm very... [ despite wanting to be free, clinging to it, the ideal and concept of it, basing his entire life around it. exactly that might have him stay stagnant, desperately attached to the memory of his friend. it's tough to break out of, for thousands of years. ] It's hard. I think I've been trapped in the past for so long, I told you that I don't think there's anything of me at all if I'm not trying to be... someone else.

So, I just wonder who I'm supposed to be as well.

(yeah, she remembers that conversation they had together and how he crumbled in her hold. in a way, she regrets say those things to him back then despite she was only speaking truths. that maybe she was too harsh even when it was something he needed to hear from someone who was looking on the outside in.

finally, she lets go of his hands but only to reach over to gingerly place her palms on the each side of his cheeks.)

You're someone who tries so hard to make everything right and make everyone happy. — Even in this...whack situation we're in, you still try to find the bright side of things. Not a lotta of us can do that.

Edited 2022-07-14 02:53 (UTC)

[ it was the moment of vulnerability he'd had in front of her, and... well, he'd like to appear stable and strong in front of people, always. humans are humans, mortals are mortals, he is not and he was once a god and he had always wanted to help and protect people. still, though, ] Well... even I wonder sometimes if 'trying' is enough, I certainly have a bad track record in succeeding after all. Even or especially with you.

[ but the fact that she'd touch him like this again... he lets out a sigh, eyes downturned, half-closed in trust. simply remembering and missing when they'd had such casual skinship as this, he'd missed it so; his own hand rises to cover one of hers. ]

But I could keep trying, I'd like to be better. Like you, maybe.

★ (CATCH ALL) baby, go ahead, i'll be your hatred and your pain. this is killing us all。

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cw: druggie things

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